Trigger warning : mentions self harm, depression, disorders, and suicide attempts. Also violence and murder.
Blair Porter :
The first thing I see when I open my eyes is white blank walls, and the nurse I presume. "Good morning Ms. Porter, how are you feeling?" She asked, with a smile on her face. I yawned a little rubbing my eyes "tired kinda, but alright I guess" I say truthfully, my eyes wondering around the bland room. They send people here for help, but have them in this depressing room? I thought to myself.
"You have a meeting today with the doctor and group, it's time to get up" she tells me, before leaving me by myself in the room. Sliding out of the bed, I changed into some of the clothes that I had brought. Wearing leggings and one of Jacks tee shirts, and the shoes I was given.
I stepped out of my room and nurse Angie was standing outside my room. "Right this way, Blair" she says, before turning around and having me follow her to the counter where we take our medication. "This will again keep you stable and relaxed all day long" she reminds me, we went through the same process last night lady.
"I'm hungry" I mutter, mostly to myself but the nurse turned around and said "I'm taking you to the cafeteria now" before turning back around. I rolled my eyes to myself, last night I thought she was better than the other lady turns out her pep is worse.
"Angie whose this?" a random girl asked coming up to us. She was slightly fidgety, awkward, with a permanent frown on her face. "Lana, this is Blair she's a new patient from early early this morning. She'll be with us for a couple days as as of now" nurse Angie told her, 'Lana' had looked up to me and gave me the best smile she could.
"I'm Lana" she said, as she stuck her hand out to shake mine. It was the first time all day that someone had made it at least tried to give me a real smile and went out their way to talk to me.
I couldn't help but smile back "I'm Blair, nice to meet you" I replied. "Do you want to eat with my friends and I?" She asked, pointing to a couple of kids behind her. I looked over my shoulder to see two boys sitting at the table. Nurse Angie turned and smiled at me "that sounds perfect, it'll give you a chance to socialize" she says, mentally pushing me towards Lana and her friends.
I glanced between all of them and then at the ground shrugging "uh I guess" I say aloud, suddenly slightly awkward about it now. Not that I don't want friend or the company, but socializing lately seemed like so much effort that I don't have.
"Come on, I promise we don't bite" Lana said, leading me into the cafeteria to the first table. "Blair this is Lucas and Austin" she said, once we sat down at the table. I smiled and waved at the two of them, not knowing what to say.
"Hi" Lucas said excitedly, with a wide smile across his face. It was a contagious one so I couldn't help but smile back and giggle a little "hello" I say politely, giving a smile back. "So what are you in here for?" Lana asked, looking at me with wide interested eyes.
"I had a break down late last night, and my boyfriend was worried about me. I've been through a lot in the past two years, and I have ptsd" I tell them quietly. I wasn't uncomfortable telling them, but I felt embarrassed about my issues. Although I knew I wasn't the only one struggling, everyone's in here for a reason.
"I tried to kill myself" Austin said suddenly, making all of us turn and look at him. Those were the first words he spoke since I'd even sat down. "I'm sorry" I mumble, playing with my fingers. He shrugged and went back to eating his fruit cup. I looked back up at Lucas and Lana with my eyebrows raised "what about you guys?" I ask, since Austin and I both put ourselves out.
"I have an eating disorder and a cutting issue" Lana told us, folding her arms to her chest. I nodded not knowing what to say. The table was silent for awhile, we all just sat there playing with our food when nurse Angie came back to check on the four of us.
"How are you guys feeling? Do you want to talk to anyone?" She asked, with a concerned look on her face. Everyone shook their head but didn't say a word, that's when nurse Angie turned to Lana. "You have to finish your food, or you will be here another day" she tells her, giving her a look.
Lana sighs shrugging her shoulders "I'm not hungry right now" she tells Nurse Angie but she doesn't listen. "You know the rules Lana, you can't get up till your done" she says, shaking her head at her. Lana let's out another deep sigh "fine whatever" she mumbles, looking down at her food as she aggressively shoves her fork into it.
Nurse Angie then turns and looks up at me with another wholesome smile. "Blair, it's not time for you to go see the doctor. Looks like you've finished your meal" she tells me. I nod standing up and grabbing my tray "it was nice meet you, see you around" I said, before throwing my stuff away and wandering behind Nurse Angie.
"It's good to make friends to have company, but we don't recommend getting attached people here. None of you will be staying long" she says, as we approach the office. I didn't say anything in reply. I was being polite so I wasn't alone during the time I was stuck here, not making besties with people I'd probably never see again.
"Doctor Cole, Blair Porter is here for her appointment" she said, opening the office door to present me. "Good morning, welcome" he said, gesturing me to come in and have a seat.
For some reason my body was achy and sore so I gladly sat down. "Hello Ms. Porter, how are you feeling since last night?" He asked, as soon as I got comfortable in the chair directly in front of him.
He stared at me intensely, to the point where it was kind of weird. I shrugged in response "I'm feeling better since I woke up, but I sore" I tell him. He nods and scribbles things down as I continue to talk and he asks me questions.
"Why and where are you achy, how does it feel?"
"I had a rough not, I had a whole mental break down panic attack in front of my boyfriend, sister, and my best friends. I broke things, i fell, just a lot of movement. And my whole body is sore, it feels like I've been working out to much" I say, trying to at least speed the process up a little bit.
He nods again and jots down what I wrote quickly. "It's probably the medication. Medication can be hard on someone's body if they aren't used to it" he explains to me. I didn't say anything else. "Let's talk about something's, tell me a little bit about your situation"
I shrugged staring at him blankly "I don't know what you want me to say, what is my situation?" I say. In reality, I didn't want to be sitting in this seat with a doctor; I want to be at home with my boyfriend and sister. I'm not supposed to be here, I'm not meant to be here.
"Ms. Porter, I understand that you are going through a lot but we can get you help if you cooperate with us" he said to me, giving me a displeasing smile. I sunk down into my chair "I'm fine, I had a panic attack and my boyfriend got worried about me" I tell him.
He nods "Yes we know. We were also informed that you are showing signs of ptsd?" He questions me, his tone was asking for reassurance. I just shrugged "I guess, that's what others say" i admit. He nodded again "alright, well what would trigger you to have ptsd?" He asks me.
I sighed deeply "I have a bad past I guess. I got into trouble, deeply. My verdict was not guilty because I was black mailed and had my life and my families life put into danger. It's traumatic. There's the cause of it. I'm a paranoid person about everything" I admit.
"I can tell, but don't worry we are only here for you to seek help and get better" he tells me, with a warm smile. "Thanks" I mumble, not knowing what to say after that. He scribbled on his note pad for a minute before stopping "ptsd also known as post traumatic stress disorder is from experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event. It can lead people to have severe anxiety, and mistrust people physiologically. This can lead to insomnia and nightmares, which hear in your file it documents that you struggle with those things and from what you've told me" he explains, breaking it down for where I understand.
I nod taking the information in. "You are able to leave tomorrow since you are doing a lot better, but I have writing you a referral to a psychiatrist. They will most likely be giving you sleep medication for your insomnia, and anxiety medication" he informs me. I stand up nodding "okay, thank you again" I smile before walking out.
••••
I didn't know how to end this and it took my forever but I just wanted to get this up for everyone. Sorry I've been on a hiatus the past couple weeks/months. There's just a lot going on and it's hard with me to cope etc. I'll be updating when I get the chance and the mind-set.
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