Did I lose you guys?...😔
.
.
.
Your Favorite and My Favorite
Delilah Thomas
...............
"Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" I hit my fist against my head."Why are you so fucking stupid!"
Who knew how he must have looked at me now, seeing me act all hostile and frantic like— god he must think I'm out of my fucking mind— which I am.
I forgot to take my medicine, I never forget my medicine, but this morning Marcus was at home with me and I just-I had to get out of there before he made his presence known. Life is so foolish to me, it tries it's hardest to break me down into nothing— but I wont let it. I stand tall against it; or so I thought. I always say I can handle life, when in reality, life has already chewed me up and spit me out. I'm simply the fool in denial that smiled when there was nothing but tears that wanted to overflow.
The happiest looking people are the most miserable, and I am the living proof of that quote.
The trail that I was in need of finding was finally coming into my view, well the bushes and shrubs that hid the trail were coming into my view I should say. I quickly sped up my already bolting pace and rushed through mother nature's natural barrier to the place she wanted to remain hidden from the world.
I didn't have time to actually move the brushes aside like I usually did, so I ended up hurting myself in the process of getting through to the path that would lead me to my sanctuary.
Bad thing is, it didn't hurt.
That's how I knew my mind was getting worse with each second that passed by.
I was bipolar, meaning that my mind was not completely my own. I'm a happy person, but I have a mental illness that latched itself onto me, making my true self hide behind emotions that are not my own. Some days I'm happy, some days I feel the need to be depressed, some days I'm mad for no reason, but some days — like this one— I am manic, I-I grow suicidal and just unpredictable. I do things that I know I would never do, but thing is, I have no control over it. I'm a prisoner to myself.
You are a waste here Delilah! Why won't you end it! Look at you, you're miserable!
That voice is me, it always comes when my mood swings are all over the place. It says things that I don't want to hear. To me it feels as if it's letting out the thoughts and feelings that I suppress.
"I know what I am!"
Then why stay?! Why stay?! Take it all away Delilah!
"Please stop talking to me." I whimpered standing in the middle of this enchanted forests holding on to myself.
No one wants you here, no one needs you Delilah. What are you fighting for? Your own mother hates you!
"I'm fighting for the same reason you're fighting so hard to get me to die. I'm fighting because I know that's my purpose— to fight, just like it's your purpose to fucking harrass me." I spat coldly.
I heard the voice within me groan in annoyance, before it began to rise inside of my head, so loud that it began to pound as if it were a heartbeat— making me hold my head between the palms of my hand.
You stupid-
"Stop!"
Ignorant-
"Stop it!"
Foolish-
"Stop talking!"
Why stay huh?! Why do you stay?!
"Because-,"
Why?!
"Because-,"
Why Delilah?!
"I sta-,"
Why stay her-
"Because someone's gonna care!" I finally yelled out into the air of New Orleans. I had finally gained the courage to say the real reason that I stayed— the reason I held hope.
"Somebody's gonna wake up and see me and smile, not because it's a new day to cause more damage, but because the-they actually wanted to see me,"I pointed to myself,"Somebody out there is gonna miss me one day, and if I end it all now, I want be able to see it." I whimpered."I stay because...because somebody's gonna care."
"Who you talkin' to?" A voice broke into the atmosphere around me.
"No, Austin. No." I thought to myself."He can't be here now."
I swiftly turned around to face him, but ducked my head down once I seen the look in his eyes when they connected with mine. The usually calm or irritated look I'm used to was now one of confusion and fear.
I grabbed at his arms and pushed him away just as soon as he made it to me.
"Leave."
"Don't put yo' fuckin' hands on-,"
"Not now Austin! Please leave, please." I cut him off sliding up against the tree, fisting at my hair in hopes that it would stop the voice.
"Delilah what....what is dis'?"
"You need to go."
"Aye man, D-Delilah stop bruh. Stop dat' shit."
"L-Leave Austin! Pl-Please!" I cried hiccuping on my words from the impact of my urgency,"Please!"
"What's goin' on wit'chu, what is dis'?"
"I'm fuckin' crazy!"
"No you no-,"
"Yes I am!"
"Nawl, you juss' misunderstood,"He told me in a tone that I've never heard him use," C'mere."
"Austin I'm begging you to go. Im begging you."
"But I told you I wouldn't leave."
"Austin, you need to leave!"
"I won't."
"Just fucking go! Please!"
It's an act! He doesn't care!
"Shut-Shut-Shut up!"
I guess my screech was one that was ear rattling, because Austin's hands immediately shot to his ears, his face giving off a pained expression as I yelled to my mind to shut up.
"Lilah stop bruh! Stop!" He yelled with his ears tightly covered by his hands.
"Please leave!"
He stood there, with me in front of him, my body trembling from the battle going on within my interior. He looked at me and surprised me even more when he spoke and said,
"Look at me."
But I couldn't look up to him, I couldn't stare into those eyes that were probably judging me, labeling me. I was ashamed— my insecure being couldn't look up to him, so instead I leaned into his body with my throbbing head still held lowly towards the ground. I was left in a state of shock when his arms wrapped tightly around my stiff frame and held me there against him. His touch was warm. It was satisfying even. I felt- I felt lucky that my worthless heart could be this close to his cold one, the one that is somewhat nonexistent.
My crazed eyes that would not stop darting from place to place somehow landed on his belongings that lied on the ground and it was there that I saw a drawing of a young boy in his disregarded sketchbook. My eyes then darted to his chest that my face was pressed against, it was strong, but felt like it was just letting me sink in. He was calming me, not alot but I felt it.
He can't save you! Is that what you think? That he will save you Delilah, that he will be the one that you spoke of to care? No one cares about you! Your own mother hates you. You think once he finds out the things you let Marcus do to you that he'll stick aro-
"Brown eyes," Austin's voice broke through my thoughts.
Brown eyes? What does brown eyes mean?
I couldn't question what he said anymore because he started to speak again.
"Smilin', thea' fa' me
As lovely as can be
Fa' all the world ta' see
Brown eyes
Oh, how they sparkle and shine
I look at her and wish
Dat' her love was all mine
But, dat' can neva' be,
Simply because I'm me.
Funny thing-what she doesn't see,
Is her brokenness hides
But crazy enough I still luh' her brown eyes.
Like cat eyes in da' night
No matta' wea' she goes
They always catch da' light
My brown eyes, my brown eyes—
Dat' mask, it can't hide.
You try ta' mold it so it would seem more real, but my sweet brown eyes,
The face has already dried.
But I know you, the real you.
And if ya' let me, I'll hold you.
If you let me I'll be da' one ta' mold you.
Brown eyes in the mornin' I wish to
Awaken from a sleep
Holdin' you.
Next ta' me,
That is all that I seek
Brown eyes please tell me
Dis' is wea' you want ta' stay
Brown eyes please tell me
You'll wake up hea' wit' me everyday."
Everything else disappeared.
Everything else in that moment disappeared.
My thoughts, my uncertainty, my frustration, the evilness taking over my mind had all disappeared as soon as his voice cut into the atmosphere. The crackling and fireworks that were going off in my mind only moments ago seemed to have turned into a forest. But instead of this forest being surrounded by the sounds of nature— the bird's chirping, the gentle flapping of a butterfly's wings, the humming of a hummingbird as it sucks away at the nectar of an orchid, the ticking and the tocking of a deer's hooves clacking against the self made path of the animals; those were the sounds that this mind forest of mine lacked. Because this forest was filled with nothing but his voice.
Nothing but him speaking my favorite. He spoke the language of poetry as if it was something that he's known for years— as if....
He was meant to say those words to me.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
One Week Later
At the airport
3:04 P.M.
Austin Alsina
……………
"Okay babe I'll be back before you know it."
—
"I love you too silly pants."
—
"Okay, bye-bye."
She took her phone from her ear and powered it completely off, before I became her main priority.
"Hey don't be nervous, you got this." Delilah said supportively grabbing at my hand and giving it a tight reassuring squeeze.
"I'm not nervous, it's more so my anxiety that's fucking with me." I told her closing my eyes to keep my breathing level.
"Because of the plane and the people?"
I nodded.
"Are you about to have an anxiety attack?"
"Tryin' not to." I grumbled. Stiffly relaxing into my seat.
I felt her hand release mine and off instinct my eyes shot open and I grew worried— afraid that maybe I was losing her again. That she was about to walk away and leave me like she did in New Orleans. I have always had a great fear of losing people, a fear that I would be the last one standing. Alone. And once my fears starting coming true, and everyone I cared for started to vanish physically— and mentally— my anxiety only worsened.
But when I looked to Delilah she was still there, her focus was just on her purse that was laid in her lap. She caught me staring at her with a caculated gaze and sent me a smile as she pulled out a small box.
"I knew you might not be okay, so I brought some back up for you buddy." Her pearly whites beamed when she showed me the puzzle box that said '300 pieces inside!'
I smiled as I took the box from her hands examining it even further. It was a picture of two kittens cuddling closely together as they slept on a fluffy pink cotton candy type rug.
"Here,"She pulled down the eating tray attached to the chair infront of me,"We can use yours to solve this puzzle, puzzle man."
But I couldn't move. I was still in a state of shock at the small gesture she made, that was sure to make a big difference.
"You okay?" She questioned me while I hopelessly looked at the puzzle box.
"Austin?"
"Y-Yeah, wazzam?"
"You alright? You zoned out on me again." She pouted childishly.
"Yeah, I'm-I'm good, thanks ma."
"You're welcome, I know puzzles are like your favorite,"She smiled softly at me,"So anyway, you ready for the trip?"
"Ta' be honest, I'm not. But I can't juss' not visit her, dat's pointless— I'm losin' out on my blessins tryna hold animosity towards her."
"Do you guys at least talk?" Delilah asked taking out the pieces of the puzzle and moving some to her tray so that mine was a clear surface that we could work on.
"I mean, of course we talk from time time to time —when I actually pick up da' phone— but we ain't seen each otha' in some years Delilah. I haven't talked ta' her face ta' face in a minute man. Honestly if it wasn't fa' Ken she wouldn't even have my number."
"What happened though Austin? You guys were doing so well."
I huffed at her question, not really wanting to go into detail about what happened between me and the woman I had become estranged to.
"Alotta shit happened."I spoke while looking through the small rectangular window at the ground that was starting to become smaller and then turning my attention back to the tray.
"Well, how-how did things get after I left?"
I didn't look at her when she asked me that, that's exactly what I was trying to avoid— that question. I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth of the matter and look her in her eyes at the same time. That would have been to overwhelming for my heart that I was just starting to get back. I knew telling her would leave a broken look in her eyes— one that I always hated to face. Delilah took off into the darkness one night and with her she took my happiness leaving me with anger and pain to feel when her name was ever in my mind, but aside from that she also managed not only to affect me, but my mama when she left us.
"Mama relapsed." I said blandly, still focused in on my empty tray,"I ended up leaving a little while after she did so, I wasn't 'bout ta' go through dat' shit again."
"Sh-She relapsed,"She blurted out in astonishment,"She started back-but I thought, I thought she would-,"
"Keep her promise?" I finished Delilah's sentence for her,"Yeah me too. But as you and I both know, no one keeps promises...no one." I told her trying my hardest not to sound bitter and angry towards her, but I'm sure she caught my hint of resentment by the sadness and guilt that washed over her features.
"Besides, when you left she ain't have nobody ta' help her da' way you could, so of course it was bound ta' happen." I sighed.
"Oh...."
"I'm sorry to hear that." She said sadly spoke, holding her head down.
I released a held in breath and tried to get comfortable yet again.
I'm sorry Rose, I don't try ta' get angry at you, but when I rememba' da' greatness you brought ta' me, I also rememba' how you left it behind.
I find myself doing that a lot. I'll think about the past too much, about that night, and just get angry with her now. That night I was so vulnerable and weak, so weak that I couldn't get angry with her, I could only beg for her to stay with me. Cry my eyes out into her stomach while hold her tightly around her waist with my knees stabbing the floor. Now that she's back I'm releasing the anger towards her that I couldn't find until the morning after that night. Only thing is.....
I don't want to take anything out on her anymore.
I don't like making her feel bad and guilty, the anger I show towards her sometimes is actually clouding what I feel— I'm happy she's back. I'm happy we're back.
I-I just, sometimes get mad at the fact that I have to say we back when we should have never left.
"Here you go." She said softly placing the pieces into one side of the box they came out of and setting the cardboard square on my pull out tray. She then placed her head on her own tray and used her arms to hide the exposed parts of her face.
I wanted to tell her I was sorry, but what good what that do. The damage was done. She felt bad and I was the reason why.
So I said nothing, simply sat back in my seat and began to piece together the puzzle I was given as a nerve relaxer from my friend.
When I did puzzles I thought, when I thought I went into a deep state— I was here physically but I wasn't really here. I was still moving the pieces to their correct spot effortlessly, but I was actually lost somewhere in my mind thinking about the only thing that's been eating at me for the past couple of days. Delilah. The same thoughts have been flashing in my mind, just as they are now.
You left me back thea', wit' nothin' Delilah. Nothin'. I thought you said we was one in the same. I rememba' what you did ta' my heart when I finally let you inside. You planted roses inside of me, ones dat' I didn't let you know about. I felt them flourish in my heart all the time. Wit' every time I was in your presence, wit' every thought I had of you on those sleepless nights, wit' every hug we shared— I felt them growin'. But then you left me. I let you in, allowed you ta' break down my walls only fa' you ta' leave. Now all dat' remains of you are the dead weeds stringing out of me dat' were once so beautiful my rose. Juss' tell me..... Why did you leave me ta' die inside.
I had been so devoted to the puzzle, well my mind consuming thoughts, that I hadn't noticed I had made it to the last piece— the piece me and my lilah always put in together. No matter how we were feeling we always did that together. It was tradition.
I debated with myself whether or not to bother her as she slept peaceful with her light breaths moving the few strings of hair that swayed over her face. She was always so delicate when she was asleep. She had an uneasy pout on her face and I knew it had come from my aggressiveness that I'd shown her prior.
I dimly smiled at her and after another moment of two of debating I found the courage to lightly tap her shoulder. She didn't nice so I tried again, this time calling her name.
"Lilah,"I tapped again,"Lilah?"
"Hm?"
"Look, it's da' last piece."
She slowly lifted her head with a very weak smile upon her face and turned her body towards me.
"You ready?" I smiled at her, hoping that would make her feel better, but the smile she sent me showed that my smile didn't take away the guilt and sadness in her.
"Yeah, I'm ready."
She grabbed the other end of the piece that I held in my hand and held it in the air as I did the same with my end.
"My piece." I spoke.
"And my piece." She said quietly.
"Equals our piece." We spoke bringing the piece down out of the air and kissing the side of it that was facing us. I kissed the cardboard looking side first then handed it over so she could kiss the side that held the last bit of the smooth pink candy looking rug.
"And our piece....."
We said in a hushed tone, getting ready to push the piece in.
"Is the perfect piece."
The puzzle was finished. We finished it.
I smiled over at her after admiring our work, but my smile dropped when I noticed her gaze was set on her hands in her lap.
Good goin' asshole ways...
I sighed pulling her into my body once I straightened up and put up the puzzle that I had completed in all of thirty minutes. I took my arm and tightened it around her shoulders.
"Sleep until we get thea'?" I suggested.
"Y-Yeah, sure."
Gonna be a long flight...
°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°
Location: California, LA
5:00 P.M.
"Wake up baybeh, we hea'." I shook Delilah until she finally woke.
She said nothing as she rose from her deep slumber and sat up straight away from my chest that her head just occupied only seconds ago. She stood up from her seat in a sad manner, not even bothering to stretch her body.
I sighed for what felt like the hundredth time today. I knew her and how her brain works, but I still fucked up.
With bipolar disorder you go through phases, and if you allow people to, they can determine which phase you fall in to. I always cause her to either feel a great amount of happiness— so she tells me— or a abundant amount of sadness. And right now she's feeling the second option. Sadness that I made her feel.
"Delilah?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry about how I came at you, it was wrong and I should-,"
She held her hand up which shut down my failed attempt at an apology.
"Don't ever apologize for your true feelings Austin. It's alright, I'm okay,"She paused looking at the aisle that was now empty,"I deserve it anyway."
"Delilah-,"
"Come on, let's get going, we don't want to surprise her too late at night."
"But-,"
"Austin, please. I'll be alright, I promise. Let's just go."
It was times like this I wish I could persuade her to take her medicine so she wouldn't have to deal with her moods, but in her eyes she didn't want to be labled crazy or insane for having to take medicine—when in reality it was something she couldn't help. It wasn't her fault, but she would never listen to me. Rose was stubborn when it came to the subject of her mental disorder. She didn't want medicine, or help, or a lecture, she just wanted to run and pretend it wasn't there; but it was. And it was destroying her.
Still destroying her...
I made a mental note to talk things out with her when we got to our destination, because I couldn't take her feeling the way she was now.
"You wanna explore a little afta' we get our stuff put up, or you ain't up fa' it."
"I kinda just want to lay down if that's alright."
"Aight, lemme hold dat'." I grabbed at her bag that she had just pulled down from the holder along with mine.
Since we were only staying a week we only brought a few items. Of course Delilah brought a bag filled with nothing but makeup and the other a few clothes and hygiene products. While I on the other hand brought the necessities— deodorant, toothbrush, clothes and my puzzles.
I was gonna need them on this trip...
After I grabbed all four bags down we made our way out of the airport and to the outside air of Los Angeles. I was about to yell for a cab, but before I could do that Delilah pulled out her phone and told me to hold my britches as she called us up a Uber.
"Twenty minutes." She sighed taking a seat on the bench behind us.
"Why wait twenty minutes when I can just flag down a cab?"
"Because I don't want to hear you yelling."
"Mm, I bet." I said, taking a seat beside her.
"So what all do you want to do down here?" She asked me looking over a map she picked up in the airport.
"I haven't really decided all'at yet. See dis' whole trip, and us even staying, is based off if she still on da' same shit she was on when I left. If she is we leavin' juss' as fast as we came. If she ain't we can work from thea', but I'm not 'bout ta' put myself or you in'nat position."
"I'm sure she's better now Austin, especially if she took it apon herself to move from the very place that held all that heart ache."
"Hopefully you right Delilah, because if she not dis' is it. I'm gone be done for good."
She placed her map down and turned directly towards me with seriousness plastered on her face,"Don't say that Aust-,"
"Im serious,"I clarified with not a hint of uncertainty,"If she still killin' herself and not tryna help herself, I'm not about ta' try and fix this relationship, there would be no point."
"Yes there would."
"No it wouldn't, it would be built off nothin'."
"There would be a reason Austin."
"What then Delilah? What's da magical reason?" I asked holding my hands up and wiggling my finger tips.
"Austin do you know the hurt your mother has gone through?"
"Yeah, and your point?"
"She lost a son-,"
"And I lost a brotha'." I got defensive.
"Let me finish." She glared over at me and I reluctantly nodded letting her know to continue.
"She lost a son Austin, her child. A piece of her world all of a sudden us gone. She held him, nurtured him. Made him feel better when he was under the weather. She loved that little boy before she even knew what he would be. She carried that boy for a full nine months and held her close to her chest when he needed to be fed, or when he cried, or when she just wanted to feel the touch of her son,"She said passionately. Ever word hitting me in the chest.
"Now imagine how it felt to lose him from her point of view Austin, not from yours, but for once from hers."
I neva' did see it through her eyes.
"She lost him, right after losing her husband....your dad. She not only lost her son, but the love of her fucking life,"She paused with her eyes falling to the pavement," I know you expected her to be your back bone when Ash left but she couldn't Austin, she literally wasn't mentally stable and you couldn't be hers either. But at the same time y'all both still needed each other. Both of y'all were struggling, but instead of holding on to one another y'all pulled away."
"I tried!"
"And she didn't?"She asked me calmly."When she would try to make you lunch or cook for you, or even when you told me she would try and sit down and talk to you, she wasn't trying?"
I said nothing, because she was right. There was a time where my mother did try to get back on track, but by then I was too angry to care, so I did hurtful things out of spite— such as throwing a meal that she worked hard on and just throwing it in the trash right infront of her. The look she would give me was one that only a mother could give to her child when she or he was hurt by the very thing they'd created.
"So, the magical reason, what is it?" I asked ready to get this conversation over with.
"So that the two of you can love together and not apart, so y'all can heal together and not do it alone... So when you need that advice or-or that shoulder to lean on, or get those special hugs that only she can give you can call her. What I'm saying is, if she isn't better, don't say oh, she a grown woman and can't get her shit together, don't walk away, stay so you can help her get there. So the magical reason, is she is your Queen that will always need you Ant.... She already lost one son, don't let your pride be the cause of her losing another one."
"And even though you'll never admit it, you need her too... You're her prince." She smiled at me.
I was silent after she said that. I had no words. Sometimes I forget that under all that silly happy goofiness is a very serious deep individual.
About five minutes after our conversation ended, the Uber pulled up. It didn't take us long to get to our destination and once we did that's when I started to have doubts.
"Ant stop, I told you she's gonna be so happy and shocked to see you that she is going to go freaking gingersnaps."
"Gingersnaps?"
"Yes, freaking gingersnaps. Don't forget the freaking."
I took a deep breath as I looked to the house infront of me. It was nice and calm on the eyes. It was the complete opposite of are house back in the hood. A definite upgrade. I looked to the setting skies above me and closed my eyes while the breath came out of me.
Ash please be hea', please help me out bro....I need you.
"I can't do dis'."
"Yes you can, and I'm gonna help you."
"Delilah I can't bruh, I'm dead ass-,"
"Too late!" She yelled running ahead of me so that she could knock on the door really fast then dash to the side ducking behind the bush that was next to the door while whispering ding dong ditch to the max bitches.
I hurriedly walked to the door with the bags my hands, an even more nervous wreck than I already. I could hear Delilah's ignorant ass calling out to me from behind the bush.
"Pssst! Psssssst-t-t! Hey Austin! Over here..."
"What heifa'?" I hissed out the side of my mouth.
"You got this man with the plan, you got this, okay? I'm right here."
"I'm gone fuckin' kill you."
"Okay buddy, I love you as well."
"I swear ta' G-,"
The locks were being tampered with, signaling me that someone was on the other side about to be revealed. My palms were sweating just from the sound of the door unlocking. The air around me was being filled with a one-sided tension and it was becoming hard for my lungs to take in a deep breath. I was preparing myself for the worst— to see her looking dazed with the smell of tainted water on her breath. I was ready to see her fist swinging lazily at my face and her eyes holding nothing but pain and regret when she looked at me. I was nervous anxious and just as the door began to open, in what felt like slow motion, my mouth went dry and my head looked directly to where her head would be. And before I had a chance to turn around and leave a figure that I didn't recognize popped into the opening of the door.
"Yes?" She asked straightening out a small wrinkle in her dress— her attention then flickering to me.
And there she stood, bearing an almost expressionless face as she stared back at me with the eyes that matched my own— the woman that I had to love from a distance for so many years. Here she was.
"Mama..."
•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°
Excuse all mistakes!
Share, vote, and comment please!
MeMe loves y'all
Xoxoxo
Just a real nigga commin' through...👑😢