★Jasper★
Joey gave me his hat before I left for Georgia.
It was our grandpa's hat and he never took it off unless he was ready for bed, taking a shower, or going for a swim. Sometimes he'd try to get by with wearing during those times, but Mom had something to say about it.
I was surprised the day Joey climbed on my lap and gave me his hat. He told it helped him remember the happy times we had with our grandpa and maybe the hat would help me remember the happy times with Ella, not that I need a hat to remember. I've had nothing but happy times with Ella, except the day she burst into my room and ended it.
It's hard to believe that was almost a month ago.
With the hat in my hands, I do remember the happy times with Ella. But remembering those happy times causes a heart string to snap.
I stand from Jarod's couch and walk into what's my room now. It was his guest room, but he never found use for it, so now it's mine. I don't know how long I'll be here, but as of now, I don't think I'll go back before the internship starts.
Tugging the dresser drawer open, I tuck the hat away and shut it again.
I scrub at my face and fall onto the bed.
Jarod hasn't been around much. He has a new girlfriend he's been spending a lot of time with and mainly stays with her at her apartment, which is two levels up. I told him I don't mind being alone, but I do have trouble with it.
I've been in Atlanta for a week and I actually don't hate it. The city makes me nervous, but I grew up in Orlando. I'd rather live on a farm in the middle of nowhere, where everything is quiet.
The interviews were a couple of days ago and I got a call from the owner himself, James Roedan. I was surprised when he offered me the internship first off. During the interview, I had Ella's bracelet wrapped around my finger, hoping for a bit of good luck. I'm glad the person that did the interviews was easy going or else I probably would've been kicked out for stuttering too much, but once I got into the interview, it was easy.
And now I have it.
When I was told I got it, the first person I wanted to tell was Ella. I had my phone out, my thumb hovering above her name, but I saved myself the trouble and didn't call. I used to call her because I knew I'd get her voicemail and I just wanted to hear her voice. This is something I wanted to share with her and now I can't.
Originally, I wasn't going to even go to the interview. After talking to Jaylen for a couple of hours, I realized how good this is for me. I don't want to put my life on hold because the first girl I ever loved broke my heart. I didn't want to miss out on this opportunity. Maybe this time apart will do us some good.
I wonder if she's moved on or if she even misses me.
Maybe she doesn't think about me at all and I feel stupid thinking about her as much as I do. My lock screen on my phone is still a picture of her with Joey and Harper. I need to let go of her, but something is stopping me.
Turning on my side, I find the book sitting on my bedside table and open it up. It's the book of Ella's I had found under my bed. Each night, I've been reading a chapter before I fell asleep and reading the notes she left inside. I'm not sure what I was thinking when I didn't put this book in the box.
Max jumps on the bed and instantly curls against my side while I read. Harper likes the edge of the bed, but sometimes she curls up with Max.
I'm a nineteen-year-old boy that's turning into a cat lady.
I laugh at the idea.
Once I read one chapter, I close the book and settle back on the bedside table. I turn the light out and shift slightly, causing Max to meow loudly at me.
It takes longer to fall asleep than usual.
But it happens eventually.
★
"I'm not wearing orange."
Jarod chuckles. "What's wrong with orange?"
"It's ugly," I retort. "I'd rather stick with simple colors. Not colors that scream when I walk by people."
He laughs again and picks up a shirt a soft shade of blue. "Here. It brings out the color of your Cunningham eyes."
I roll my eyes. "Don't shit on the Cunningham eye color. You have the same one."
Jarod dragged me out of the apartment this morning for internship shopping. It doesn't start until June, but he's one of those people that gets everything done three or four months before it happens. Sometimes I wish I could do that instead of waiting last minute.
"Now we need to get you pants without holes in them," he says, dragging me over to the pants. "No ripped knees in slacks."
I stare at him dully.
Then he points to my jeans, which have ripped knees, but they're my favorite pair.
Jarod starts piling my arms full of clothes and ushers me towards the dressing rooms. "We're not leaving this store until you have five pairs of pants and seven shirts, so you better hope you like those or we'll be here forever."
I try everything on as quickly as possible. The pants are fine, but only keep three out of the six shirts he handed me. We go through another round before I make it out of the store with the amount Jarod said.
When we get back to the apartment, I take my time to hang everything up. It's not like I don't have all the time in the world now until the internship starts. When I was dating Ella, I'd happily give her all the time in the world and I still would. I don't even know what I did before Ella. And now that I'm in Georgia, I don't work on computers and I'm not working at Jenny's.
Most of my time here is either staring at my phone or contemplating life. Either one is as boring as the next.
"Have you talked to Mom and Dad today?" Jarod asks when I stroll into the living room.
"Not since yesterday," I answer and plop down on the couch. "Mom freaks out every time I've called. She thinks I'm coming home."
Jarod sits on the other side of the couch and stretches out his legs. "And Ella?"
"She's the last person I want to talk about," I mutter.
"Why? Maybe you need to talk about it. How long has it been?"
"Almost a month. I've already talked to Jaylen."
Jarod snorts. "I love Jay, but he's a terrible listener."
I shrug. "He surprisingly listened to me pretty well. I just want to get over it, you know? It's clear she doesn't want to see me again and I need to get over it." Then I shake my head. "At least I can say I tried. I tried so much and it didn't even matter to her." Just saying those words out loud makes my throat feel like it's closing. "Did our time together mean nothing?"
"I'm sure it meant something, Jas. That's probably why she's hurt. Even though I only met her once, I could tell she's good for you."
I quickly raise to my feet, but a dizziness takes over for a second or two. Jarod doesn't say anything as I move back into my room and shut the door.
Pulling my phone out, I scroll through my recent calls and find Ella's right below Jaylen's. Before I can back out, I press on the call and listen to it ring. I don't expect her to answer. I never do, but part of me deflates when I get her voicemail.
"Ella," I say quietly. "I just...this is the last time I'll ever call you, not that you really care. You probably won't even listen to this message. I'm not even sure what to do at this point. All I know is that I need..." I pause to get my breath together. "I need to let you go. I need to move on so I can be happy again." I don't even know what to say to her as if she was going to listen to this. "I miss you. Holy shit, I miss you so much." I have to insert another pause, but I'm wasting time. "You gave up on me and now I guess I need to give up on you. You win."
I hang up quickly and toss my phone onto the bed.
That's the first voicemail I've actually left her, so there's a small possibility she'll listen to it. I hope she does, but most of all I hope she still cares.
"Hey, Jas!" Jarod calls out. "What do you want for dinner?"
"I don't care!"
"Pizza it is then!"
I left everything back in Orlando. My computer, Ella, and my family. Well, except my cats. I couldn't leave without my cats.
With a sigh, I sit on the edge of my bed.
My priorities are really straight.
★
There's a small field behind the apartment building and it's easy to escape to.
With Ella's book, I small flashlight, and a hyper Max, I trail into the middle of it and sit down. Max is weird around the grass at first, as he usually is, but it's funny to watch him roll around like he's never been outside before. I've taken him out here a few times and each time he gets dirtier than the next. I guess it's not difficult since he has white fur.
Max stays close, hopping around in the grass and occasionally attacking the book in my hands for no reason.
I want to finish this book tonight so I can throw it away and never touch it again. Once I get rid of the book, I'll delete everything out of my phone that reminds me of her. Taking small steps.
There isn't much of the book left. It's a small book to begin with, but I can finish the rest in an hour. I tilt my head back, seeing the stars dotting the dark sky. I think about the star tattooed on my middle finger too. The tattoo that's about as useless as the stars above me.
I go back to reading the last seventy pages.
A part of me is dreading the ending, even if it is a happy one. As much as I say I want it to be over, I don't. But they need to be over.
When I have twenty pages left, Max trots over to me like a little lion and curls in my lap. He still has way too much energy, especially at two in the morning. Cats always have too much energy in the middle of the night.
As I read the last page of the book, my heart is thudding against my chest.
When I read the last sentence, I feel empty.
Shutting the book, I set it aside and just sit in the dome of silence.
It must have been one of Ella's favorite books. I don't know if she realizes she's even missing it or how long it's been under my bed. I thought reading it would help give me some type of closure. The book wasn't even bad; I actually enjoyed it. Ella's notes tend to be distracting, but maybe that's what really drove me to read it.
I lay back in the grass and Max decides he's going to pounce on me. Nap time must be over for him.
While ignoring his little antics, I stare up at the stars.
A part of me will always miss Ella. She was my first everything—Almost—my first everything. It's possible that one day in the future, we can be friends again, but I don't see that happening any time soon.
Frustrated, I climb to my feet and scoop Max up, along with the book. I make my way back into the apartment building and ride up to the third floor. Jarod's with his girlfriend, so I have the place to myself. Again. I drop Max onto my bed and gather clothes for a shower before I go to sleep.
Once I'm ready for bed, I climb in and breathe out.
I turn over on my side and reach for my phone so I can plug it into the charge.
The notification on my screen makes my heart fall.
It's a text from Ella.
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Sorry for this boring, filler, short chapter :) I lowkey enjoyed writing it tho lol. Things are about to get pretty hectic...next chapter probably won't be up for a few days! Gotta make sure it's perfect or at least close to it lol.
LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK PLEASEEE!!
Also, which best kept book has been your favorite so far? (That's if you read the others lol)