I had always hated the thought of depression. How could such a qualitative and intricate concept be simplified to a mere bodily function? A lack of serotonin leading to the symptoms of constant indulgence in negative, suicidal and suffocating thoughts. Depression can not be cured by narcotics and prescribed drugs, I used to believe it was just a state of mind that someone could take themselves out of . I love to learn, and I have learnt but unfortunately I know better now.
It's when I'm alone. Loud remarks made by nothing else but my subconscious? Or maybe my conscious? I don't even know. I talk for the sake of being replied to, the voices of people blocking out the voices of my own most darkest thoughts. It's funny you see .. sometimes I wake up and I am a self indulged egomaniac and I think , no scrap that. I believe I am the most beautiful, most intelligent girl to ever breathe. Laughing and talking, flicking my hair. A real socialite I can pretend to be.
But then there are the other days, days I cannot stand to be in the midst of people. Ironic. Since on these days I cannot stand my own being. I am a narcissist. It is quite sad really because growing up in South London was hard enough. Now, growing up with mental instabilities and "issues" yeah much harder. So when my thoughts gnaw at the comforts of my solidarity I do nothing but cry and suffer in the prison of my own skin. Wallowing in self pity.
After this, I slap on some makeup and take a selfie finding comfort and self acceptance in the love struck eyes and thirsty comments. Yes yes, you are pretty again because if the boys say so, you must be .. right ? But what happens when the boys aren't in interested anymore love ? Who will continue to love and comfort you ? Because you most definitely do not love yourself.