"Why did you never tell me about Veronica?"
"Come on, you really want to talk about that now?"
"Well, I would like to know how you fell in love with that bitch."
"She is not a bitch," Pierre protested and I rolled my eyes.
"If you say so," I told him and he shook his head at me in disbelief. He stared at me for a few seconds before he hesitantly came closer to me to lean his head against my shoulder. My eyes widened in surprise. I could not believe that he just did that.
"Do you come here often?" He asked me and I hummed, nodding.
"The rooftop of the high school is a peaceful place to come to when you need to think and I have a lot to think about," I informed him before adding. "I came here to be alone with myself but I did not expect to see you."
The last time I talked to Pierre or saw him was about two days ago at my house. After he left my place, my parents started shouting and I just went to my room to sleep. I did not want to think, I only wanted to not worry about anything. I did not try to text my love nor did I try to talk to him face to face. He did the same as me. We avoided each other. I did not know why, it was like if we were both ashamed of something that we had done.
I thought that he was going to be in the library like every morning before school started, so I came here for peace but he was there. He was surprised to see me. At first, we didn't say anything, we just stared at each other and having nothing good to say, I went to sit down and he soon joined me.
"How have you been?" Pierre asked me and I could sense the hesitation in his voice.
"I don't know," I replied to him honestly. "And you?"
"Same," he said and I asked him a question that I really wanted to know the answer to.
"How did it go with your parents when you arrived home?"
Silence.
It was what I expected in a way and that made me more worried. I did not want to think of that particular topic because I felt like if it was my fault.
"They shouted at me," Pierre simply replied before adding more firmly. "And I don't want to say more about it."
I simply nodded in response. I wanted to persist but I knew that I couldn't force him to tell me more. I just hoped that whatever happened, he was okay. He didn't seem so much hurt, he just looked troubled, very bothered by something.
"What about your parents?" he questioned me and I could see the worry in his eyes.
"Shouting like always, but I just went into my room. I did not really listen to what they had to say," I admitted.
"I'm happy to hear that," he said and we remained quiet. I needed to make things less tense.
"Tell me about Veronica," I told Pierre then. That girl was one of the things that I thought about a lot. I met her only once and she was already troubling me and annoying me so much.
"Why is it so much important to you?" he asked me and it didn't take long for me to answer.
"Because I love you and I wanted to be the first one that you love," I replied and he looked up at me. "You're my first love, the real one."
He shook his head with a sigh and then said, "Declan, I was about seven when I said that I loved her. We were really close when we were kids and she was one of the first friends that I ever got. We were basically always together and you know how kids are at times when love is concerned."
I frowned at that. I did not like it.
"Do you still love her?" I asked him and he rolled his eyes.
"She is my childhood crush," he replied to me. "It's not much of a big deal. Veronica and I are simple friends and honestly, right now, I don't want anything more. I'm sure that she is not interested anyway."
"I saw the way she looked at you," I informed him. "It's written all over her pretty face. She wants more than friendship."
"It's not true," he denied it.
"Why don't you want to see the reality?" I asked him in disbelief. "You simply ignored what's right in front of your eyes. That girl loves you. Are you really that blind or are you trying to lie to yourself?"
"You are really jealous, aren't you?" he questioned me in surprise.
"Yes," I answered almost immediately. "God, I love you. I literally stalked you for years and I never noticed her stupid bitch love attitude. I guess that I was too focused on you to see what's happening around you."
"Once again, she is not a bitch," Pierre said and he hummed. "You should not be jealous of her though."
"I have every reason in the world to," I told him. I knew that I was exaggerating but I couldn't help myself.
What made things more harder for me to digest was the fact that his parents considered her as the perfect partner for him while for me, I was sure that they could not bear the thought of him and I being just simple friends.
"I will inform you of something," my love started suddenly and he touched my cheek with his hand. "Right now, I'm here with you, not with her so stop being jealous."
"The way you said those words suggests that we are together, like together together," I tried to make him realize and he blinked.
"It's not like that," he protested.
"Well, all the signs of a romantic scene happening are here. We are alone with your hand placed on my cheek, you are so close that I could just kiss you, and you are trying to reassure me that you are not in love with another woman, so you see, it's easy to get confused. What do you feel exactly?" I asked him curiously.
My question froze him in place and he averted his eyes. He slowly backed his hand away but I grabbed it and pressed it against my cheek once again. I closed my eyes for some seconds, loving his touch.
"What do you feel?" I repeated myself.
"I don't know," he admitted. "I'm trying to figure it out but it's hard."
"What am I supposed to understand by that?" I questioned, suddenly hopeful. I leaned forward and he looked at me deeply in the eyes. "Is there a possibility that you-"
"No," he interrupted me before I could even finish my sentence. Though, I was sure that he knew what I wanted to say. "Don't start getting any illusions. It's not what it seems like."
"Then what does it look like?" I asked him, completely lost. "You are giving me what we, human beings, call hope."
"It's not love," he precised and he seemed to think. "I am not sure what that feeling really is but it can't be love."
"Why are you trying to fight it?" I wondered. "Just let it in."
"It won't happen," he said and he was sure of himself. "I'm sorry but you need to stop having hope for something that's never gonna happen."
"Just tell me how you feel," I demanded and he shook his head.
"I want to keep it for myself," he said. "I want to learn the answer to that question by myself. Please don't pressure me and more importantly, don't imagine anything. It will only get you hurt in the end and I don't want to hurt you."
"You will never hurt me," I assured him but he did not look so sure.
"You don't know me, or at least not entirely," he said and he pulled his hand away. "You can't know what will happen if things get too hard. At the dinner, I got a choice to make, defend what is right for you or obey my parents? You know what I chose to do. That made me realize that I won't fight for you like you fight for me every day. And if I don't fight for what I want, that means that you and I are never going to be together."
When he told me sorry at my house, he did not mean sorry for the fact that he couldn't defend me, he meant sorry because he thought that he would never be able to love me. It was already decided for him. He did not want to even try.
"Love, you are too confused and scared right now. Once you know what you want, the determination to get it will come along. I know that you will make the right choices at the right moment. You need to know that I believe in you," I told him and he didn't say anything in reply.
I understood how he was feeling. He was scared and it was of his parents mostly. He was scared of what would happen if he let himself feel something more than friendship for me. What would happen if he gave in? I never really thought about that. I knew that I would be the most happiest man on earth but what about him? I was sure that I could make him happy but his parents would be a different story.
I was going to protect him no matter what but at some point, I would not be able to do everything by myself. He needed to make the first step. He needed to be sure of himself and also sure of what he truly wanted to have to be able to fight for it. Everything must be a mess in his head right now. I should not pressure him, I would give him his time.
"I have been in love with you for about three years," I told him. "I didn't talk to you, I could not even come close to you so I think that now, I can wait until you are ready. I will always wait for you to come back to me one way or another."
What he did next was unexpected, he hugged me. That made me realize that lately he had been taking me by surprise a lot of time, doing actions or saying words that I would have never expected from him. We were getting closer and closer. That made me happy but I did not know if it was going to be enough. Everything seemed to be against me. Goody, I even got myself a rival somehow.
I wrapped my arms around my little love and he hummed softly.
"Your hugs keep me warm," he said, not letting go of me.
"I told you so," I reminded him and then I joked. "I'm guessing that you want to fall asleep."
"It's not gonna work," he assured me and I huffed.
"We can never know," I smiled and he raised his head up to look at me. A smile was on his face for some time but then it slowly faded away.
"What's wrong?" I asked him.
"Your brother," he replied and my body tensed. "Is he always like this?"
Great, he did not forget about that.
"Yeah, sadly," I replied to him. "That's why I prefer to avoid him. He has his own way of destroying me and make me feel weak."
An angry frown came on his face.
"I did not like what he said. That made me so angry," he admitted. "I know that at first I said some bad things to you but I would never want you dead and my mom, I can't believe that she reacted that way."
"She seems cold," I let out without thinking and he did not deny it.
"She is strict," he added instead. "I know that she wants what's good for me but sometimes, it feels like she is raising me to be like..."
"A good little soldier," I completed the sentence for him and he nodded.
"In a way," he said and he leaned his head against my chest. "But I prefer to deal with her than my dad. My mom has some limits but my dad, I don't know how far he can go."
That made me think.
"Don't tell me that he ever hurt you physically?" I asked him and he quickly shook his head.
"Never," he precised and thank god.
I did not know what I would do if his dad or someone else dared to raise one hand on him. If that ever happened, I would go mad crazy in a matter of seconds. Nobody was going to hurt him without paying for it, not as long as I was alive.
"Tell me about your brother," he demanded me.
"No," I immediately refused and he looked at me attentively.
"Did you even try to end your life?" he asked me the question straight away then and when he saw that I was remaining silent, he pulled himself out of my arms and grabbed my shoulders, looking at me with worried eyes. "Please, don't tell me that you did."
"I was tempted but I'm still alive," I said and he looked horrified. "Life is hard, my love. Besides, I didn't succeed."
Why did he have that look in the eyes that said that he wanted to slap me in the face?
"Never do that again," he shouted at me. "You must not do that. For me, forget that stupid idea."
"Hey," I grabbed his face in my hands. His eyes seemed to water. "I won't do anything bad to physically hurt myself. I have a reason to live now."
He shook his head. He did not look like if he accepted my words, it was the opposite, they seemed to not have make him happy.
"Stop making your world revolves around me," he exclaimed angrily. "It's not necessarily me your happiness. I need you and I don't want you to depend on me for everything because I am not sure that I would be able to hold on that weight."
I need you.
That sentence remained in my head and I did not care about the rest. I didn't want him to feel pressured by me but I could not help myself from wanting him and only him.
"I need you too," I informed him and he blinked.
"Did you just hear everything I said?" he questioned me, incredulous. "Or did you just ignore me?"
"I'm going to be fine," I promised him. "As long as you are with me, everything is going to be okay. You should feel flattered."
He rolled his eyes and I looked at him curiously.
"What do you want exactly?" I asked him and he shrugged. Okay, let's make things easier for him. "What do you want from me?"
He stared into my eyes. He seemed to know what to say but it was like the answer was scaring him. If he said it out lout, it would make it too real.
"You," he whispered finally, lowering his gaze. "I just want you for now but I still can't give you what you want."
"You are really complicated at times," I informed him as I brought him closer to me. "But I still love you."
I kissed him on the cheek and he gave me a cute smile. He did not complain about the fact that my lips touched his cheek. He was slowly but surely accepting my touch and that was really good to know.
"You know," my love started. "I would have never thought that one day, I would be here with you."
"Love, you really talk about us like if we are in a boyfriend and boyfriend relationship," I said and he rolled his eyes at me.
Though, I was right.
The talks that we had might make people think, might make me think that Pierre and I were a couple. He didn't notice it but the signs were there. He did not seem to understand that there were feelings hidden behind every words and actions.
Did he even know how it feels like to be in love? True love.