Tw: marijuana and self harm
I walk outside the hospital a little bit after my
Mother had left, wanting to say goodnight to Avi.
Patty had sent me his address, saying that the door was unlocked and I could come right in.
Catching a cab in New Jersey was basically impossible, so the majority of the way to Patty's, I was walking.
+-+
"Hey man! Long time no see!" Patty says hugging me tightly.
"Hey. How's your life been? We haven't really talked a lot about it." I say, following Patty to the couch.
The living room was like every normal stoner living room. The table covered in lighters, bags of crisps, and bags of Marijuana. Patty noticed my hesitation and turned me to face away.
"I know you've been free of this for a long time. If I bothers you- I can put it up." Patty says, tucking the faded green hair behind his ear.
"Don't. These past few years have been shitty and I kinda want to smoke." I say hesitantly, and he nods.
"But- I've been good to answer your question. I graduated at college a few months after you did and got a job. Not what I would like to do but you know- have to pay the bills." Patty says, laughing a little.
"Yeah. I never expected my way to pay bills was YouTube but here I am." I laugh along with him.
Patty takes a small pipe off the table along with a bag, "Keep talking while I load something for you."
"There isn't a lot to talk about. I guess I could tell you why I'm here." I say, kicking my shoes off and tucking my legs underneath me.
Patty nods, looking up at me through his long eyelashes. I start to explain why Avi is in the hospital and what he has.
"That fucking sucks Dan. I couldn't imagine getting a call like that." Patty says.
"It kinda made my year even worse- I've had a bad few years." I say, pulling my hair up into a messy bun.
"Do you want green hit? Or do you want me to take it?" Patty asks, and I give it to him.
He nods, taking a light hit and exhaling through his nose. I've always found that smoking was extremely sexy. It brought a new element to how you view someone- like an innocent person could be a bad boy.
I take the pipe from Patty covering the carb with my thumb. I can see that Patty is on edge as I take the lighter to the slightly cooked marijuana and run the flame across. Inhaling and removing my thumb from the carb I cough slightly before exhaling.
"How long has it been?" Patty asks.
"Since college man. I did bum cigarettes every few months but that's different." I say, handing the pipe and lighter back.
"I'm all for marijuana- cigs have always seemed so much. Like all the chemicals and stuff are too much." Patty says, taking a harder hit and exhaling a large cloud of smoke.
"Have you picked up anything else while in California?" Patty asked, passing the pipe to me.
I swallow hard. Not sure of how to bring it up and not crush the vibe of positivity we have. I kept silent, not knowing how to say it without crying. Opening my mouth multiple times really caused Patty to worry.
"Hey- don't tell me if it hurts too much okay? It can wait." Patty said wrapping an arm around me.
"Thanks. I'll tell you when I'm ready but it may be a while before I tell you."
"Of course. Take all the time you need. Right now, is for good video games, good weed, and good friends. Like old times." Patty said, "Let me load something for you."
Patty reloads the pipe, filling it more so I would get a slight high going. Patty starts to play Super Mario 3, which I wiggle my shoulders at and light the Marijuana bowl.
I didn't know I was shaking until Patty paused the game and turned to me.
"Hey- you okay?" Patty asks, taking the pipe from my hand.
He sets the pipe down and goes to get water. Even though I knew he was in the room over, I started to scratch at my arm. My chest was tightening and my vision was fading.
"Hey. Breathe for me man. I got you some water, drink slowly." Patty says, sitting next to me and wrapping an arm around my shoulders.
"Thanks." I say, taking the cup and taking small sips and holding the water in my mouth.
When I start to calm down, I lean over and kiss Patty's cheek lightly. As I'm moving back I can see the light pink blush and him cover it up with a laugh.
"Oh. I relapsed into self harming." I say, and Patty stops laughing.
Patty opens his mouth a few times, but never said a word. He takes his phone and a bag of marijuana upstairs. A door slams and I hear muffled crying.
I haven't hurt myself like this since late high school, when Avi found out from Patty. Avi was mad but accepting of what I was feeling, we talked through it and I was clean till about three years ago.
Shaking off the thoughts, I made my way upstairs and to the only closed door. Opening it, the room was slightly smokey and inbetween Patty's fingers was a perfectly rolled joint. Tears were still on his face as he took a hit off and exhaled.
"Hey." I said softly, sitting at the foot of his bed.
Patty held the joint in his mouth and moved over to take my jacket off. I kept my head down, not wanting to see the look on his face when he saw them.
"Dan. These are really bad." Patty says, putting out the joint and setting it on the ashtray.
Both forearms were covered. Some old and faded but some being bright red and scabbed over. Different lengths and depths, but Patty didn't know they went all the way to my shoulder and on my thighs.
"I failed an overdose last month." I say to break the silence.
"Ross and Arin were yelling at me, about how I dropped something and broke it. I cleaned the mess and left the office as fast as possible." I harshly swallow, "I went home and started taking handfuls of pain killers. Which moved to alcohol and then over to cough medicine."
I wipe the tears off my face. No one knew had bad the cuts have gotten. No one noticed the lack of food I ate or the way I would cry in my car. No one asked either.
"I filled the tub and tried drowning myself. I only blacked out and woke up a few hours later to vomit." I say starting to realise I had been scratching at my arms.
"Danny stop." Patty said, taking my hands and that's when I noticed the blood under my finger nails.
Patty leaves the room for a moment and returns with a first-aid kit. We sit in silence as he sanitises and bandages the cuts.
"You're sleeping in my bed tonight. Go get clothes to sleep in." Patty says, squeezing my hand.
I walked downstairs to my bag in silence, I had a few blades with me but I wasn't going to do that to myself. Not right now anyways. I changed quickly, returning to Patty.
"Come here. I don't bite." Patty says and I join him in the bed, pulling my knees to my chest.
"No one at the office knows I'm hurting myself. I don't think they care anymore. I've lost so much weight and I look like fucking crap and no one has asked me about it." I ranted, continuing on until I started to panic.
My breathing was jagged, my entire body was shaking and my hands were immediately pulling at my hair. Patty was at my side immediately, rubbing my back and trying to talk me through it.
It didn't take long for me to break out of his arms and run to the bathroom. Patty was immediately behind me, watching me vomit the small amount of food in my stomach.
"Breathe through it. You're stronger than this. Don't listen to them okay? They aren't telling you the truth." Patty says, rubbing my back.
I finally stop, my body still shaking as I lean into Patty. I felt bad for sobbing and leaving snot all of his shirt, but he didn't seem to care.
"Can I shower or something? I feel gross." I say softly.
"Of course. Go get your bag, I'll teach you how to use the shower and leave you alone." Patty says.