There was an awkward silence in the car.
I was sat in the backseat of Pierre's parents' car, going to their house. Pierre was sat beside me, our arms nearly touching, but it felt like if he was so far away from me. I did not dare talk and I did not dare look at him. The air was so cold and tense that it made me wonder if it was always like this when Pierre and his parents were in that car together.
My gaze remained fixed outside of the window. I did not even move one inch. I must admit that the presence of my love's parents in the front seat was making me nervous. I prepared myself to confront them but I did not think that it would be so difficult to remain relax and cool in their presence. We did not even start the talk yet.
Church, once again, was extremely boring. Like the last time, Pierre and his dad were standing in front of the entrance. I was so happy to see my love but I tried to hide my excitement as much as I could. All I did was to follow my parents without saying a word. Even when I reached Pierre, I did not talk to him at all. God, I even avoided his eyes. I did not know if he found it weird but it was sure as hell weird for me.
Joshua arrived soon after that and when he saw me, the first thing that he did was to take me into his arms. I was very surprised as well as everyone around us. It was only after a few seconds that he quickly let go of me and gave me a big smack on my back, exclaiming out loud that the hug was just a joke to see my reaction. Well, the big smack that I received did not seem like a joke, it actually hurt and a lot but I did not complain.
It was the first time that Joshua and Pierre officially met. Their conversation was short though as church was about to start soon. My love asked me if I wanted to come sit with him at the front but sadly, I refused, saying that I was going to sit with my parents this time. He did not seem to mind it but still, I did not feel any better. My answer pleased my parents a lot though, I could see it on theirs faces.
The only positive side about all of this was that Joshua was allowed to sit beside me. Though, much to my surprise, he did not try to talk to me at all. Instead, he gave all his attention to his prayer. He was like absorbed by the priest's words. It was then that I realized that he was more religious than me. Maybe I should start to take example on him, I had thought at that moment.
After church, Pierre's parents both asked me if I was going to come with them to have a serious talk at their house and I accepted without an once of hesitation. My parents were shocked to hear about that. I kind of forgot to tell them about that whole going to the priest's house thing. Though, despite the reluctance that I could see in theirs eyes, they simply nodded, a smile on theirs faces, and said that it was okay and that I could go.
I knew that they were worried that I would misbehave once at Pierre's house but they could trust me on that point. Misbehaving was not my plan. I knew what I needed to do and what I should not do, I knew which words I should use and the ones I should avoid. This thing needed to work out.
"Hey, I am still waiting for you to answer my question of last night," Pierre said suddenly, breaking the silence in the car.
"Oh, yeah, your alien question," I remembered and he rolled his eyes.
"Once again, Declan, I am not talking about aliens," he protested, "There can be different type of life somewhere else, in another universe. Those people may not necessarily have green skin and little antennas. They can be just like us but with different habit and behavior, like instead of breathing in oxygen, they breathe in carbon dioxide, or maybe, unlike us who sleep during the night, maybe they sleep during the day."
I ended up laughing just after Pierre's words. I could not control myself. I saw his mom glance at us in the rear-view mirror in the corner of my eyes but I did not mind her. Pierre and I were simply having a little chat. It was not bad.
"I seriously don't know what to tell you," I told Pierre, "I thought about your question a lot last night but honestly, I never really believed that there is another life on another planet. It seems so unreal and so unbelievable but still, I'm going to remain opened minded on the subject. Maybe someday, we will get a call from other beings from another planet."
He chuckled.
"But if they really exist, how do you imagine them to be like?" He asked me and I thought about it for some seconds.
"I imagine them to be themselves," I replied and he frowned. I explained myself better, "I imagine a life in which no one is judged. Those beings are able to be who they truly are without being scared of what other people may think. I imagine acceptance and respect among them. They can accept change and also accept that not everyone is the same. Some may be different but they understand that being different is not necessarily bad. And-"
And I imagine love equality. They can love who they want, even if they are of the same sex.
I did not say my last sentence out loud. It would turn out bad if I said it. I was sure that Pierre's parents would not accept that and they would most likely ask me to get out of the car right away. I needed to act smart with my words.
"And that's all," I finished my sentence in a simple way and Pierre gave me a smile.
"That's really deep," he said and he let out a chuckle, "As for me, I imagine that other planet to be full of love. There is no arguments there, no fights, no wars. According to me, they have cures for what we call here incurable diseases. Everyone is nice there. They are willing to help each other and they are not selfish nor arrogant. They don't hesitate to share what they have and most importantly, there is no hate, no jealousy, no sadness, no tears, no anger. It is just a peaceful land."
I smiled. He was deep too with his words.
"Aw! Together, I'm sure that we can create the perfect nation," I joked and we both laughed. I knew that it was impossible for us to create a new nation together but if one day, we got the chance of creating our own family, I already got a little insight on what type of beliefs our kids would be raised in.
"Oh, it would be so great," my love said, dreamily, "Imagine us living on that other planet."
"You want to change planet?" I asked him while laughing and he nodded excitedly.
"Yeah, seeing new things and new people would be so great. Discovering new places, new tastes, this is my dream," he told me and he seemed to get lost in his thoughts. I chuckled lightly.
"You don't have to change planet for that," I told him, "You just have to discover the world, your world. I can assure you that you have not seen everything out there yet. You have to travel for that."
"Maybe you are right," he said and a disapproving noise was heard.
"Can you two please be quiet? I have enough of hearing you talking about things that will never happen," Pierre's mom scolded us.
"It's good to dream, mom," Pierre told her and she turned around to give him a disapproving look.
"Remember that, dreaming will not get you anywhere in life. It's god who decides what will happen or not, it's him who decides what you will have or not. Instead of believing that aliens exist, believe in god. I don't want you to talk about that again," his mom snapped at him and she glanced at me angrily before looking at the front.
Pierre did not reply anything. He just lowered his gaze, a sad expression on his face, before looking outside the window. I was suddenly annoyed. All I wanted to do was to give his mom a piece of my mind but I remained quiet. My whole body showed that I was angry though. I clenched my fists and an angry frown appeared on my face.
Keep calm, Declan, I told myself.
Shit! Trying to not make Pierre's parents angry was going to be a lot harder than I thought. I prepared myself to hear them insult me. I was prepared to do whatever they expected from me but I never thought that I would have to remain quiet while they snap at Pierre just because he said something that they disliked.
How exactly was his life at home?
We finally reached the priest's family house and we all got out of the car. Not knowing what to do, I simply stood beside Pierre and followed his parents as they walked towards their house. No words were exchanged. Once at the door, Mrs Lois removed the key of the house out of her little bag and opened the door.
"Are you hungry, Declan? Do you want something to drink? Juice? Water? Tea maybe?" Pierre asked me as we all entered the house. I was unsure of what to say.
"Some juice will be good," I replied and he nodded before going away, to the kitchen surely. I panicked a little bit when I realized that he left me alone with his parents but I kept a cool expression on my face.
It was not like they were going to kill me on the spot.
"I'm going to make some tea," Mrs Lois told her husband. She kissed him on the cheek and I nearly grimaced at that sight. Disgusting! Great, now I wanted to puke.
"Come with me," Mr Lois told me when Pierre's mom had walked away and I followed him to the living room. I went to sit on the long couch while he sat on the opposite couch in front of me. Nothing was said for a few minutes and I remained seated uncomfortably, waiting for the priest to say something but after awhile, I decided that I was going to start the conversation.
"Before you say anything, I would like to tell you something," I started, choosing my words probably, "I know that my behavior of last week displeased you a lot."
His gaze hardened and I gulped. Oh, I just touched a sensitive nerve of his.
"Bringing Pierre to the zoo without your permission was a bad thing to do. The idea was bad from the start. I am truly sorry. This won't happen again, I can assure you," I promised him. He just stared at me.
"You really think that I am going to believe you so easily?" he asked me and before I could reply something, he added, "I know your kind. You think that you can fooled me but you are wrong. Now speak the truth before I throw you out of my house."
Ouch.
"I am not trying to fool you," I lied and I let out a sigh, "I thought a lot lately and I realized that it was time for me to...change, to follow god's teachings. I was wrong so many times and now I'm ready to admit my faults and my sins."
The priest chuckled and then he said, "Where did you find that speech?"
"Oh, I wrote it myself," I replied to him and he glared at me.
"You don't seem to understand. I want the truth, not the lies, serpent," he snapped at me and I frowned. Did he just call me serpent? That word was new.
"I am telling the truth," I protested, "I really want to change. I want to be a normal teenage boy."
"And why that sudden want to change?" He questioned, "For years, you never tried to change. I heard what people said about you. In the past weeks, I even got the chance to make my own conclusion about your behavior and from what I have seen, you are a manipulator who can't stop running after my son. I never thought that the devil could be so attracted to one child of god. So now speak the truth."
"What I said is the truth," I told him.
"You are lying," he continued to protest and I was just annoyed.
"Then what truth do you want?" I exclaimed, "Yes, I will admit, I never wanted to change before. I like who I am. I always fight for what I want, I fight for what I believe is right. I never regretted being the way I am, I still don't regret anything...though, lately I started to think that maybe you are all right. It's the devil speaking through my mouth. I let him fooled me and he just messed with my judgement over and over again. Maybe I don't know what's good and what's bad anymore. I have been left in the dark for too long. But now, I want to believe that there is a chance for me to see the light, to repent my sins. So tell me, servant of god, are you going to try to save me or are you going to push me away and let me rot in hell?"
I was breathless. I just let my words out without a single pause. The priest stared at me, speechless. Did he believe me or not? I lied obviously but somehow, I ended up believing in my own words. I seemed to be so sure of myself when I said them. I thought during my speech, even if it was only for one second, that it was really possible for me to change, to become straight but I quickly shook that idea away. I knew who I was and I was not going to lose myself while trying to prove to others that I was someone else.
"Okay," Mr Lois simply said at last and I blinked.
"Okay?" I repeated in disbelief. "That's all?"
"Yes," he replied and I was more confused than ever.
"Is that yes I am going to give you your chance or is it a yes to say go rot in hell, faggot?" I questioned.
"Yes, I am going to give you your chance," he made it more clear to me and I did not know what to reply.
"Okay," I said with a frown. Why did I feel like if he was tricking me?
"Now," he started in a serious tone, "Tell me about what you feel for my son."
That was the one true tricky question. What did I feel for Pierre? The answer was so obvious but lying was the way to go.
"I don't think that you will like the answer to that question," I told him honestly.
"Say it," he ordered me, "And don't forget, I want to hear the truth."
The truth, yeah right.
"I feel nothing for him," I said, lowering my gaze to the ground, "I told Pierre that I love him but to be honest, I was trying to mess with him. I don't know if he believed me or not. That little outing to the zoo was my way of tricking him. The true reason behind that is that I wanted him, I am attracted to him in a physical way."
I glanced up at the priest and saw that his expression did not change at all so I continued.
"He is so attractive. I am sexually attracted to him. At first, I could not control myself around him and I ended up kissing him...twice. That was a dumb thing to do," I said and I let out a sigh, "I am sorry for that. I shouldn't have kissed him and I know that I should not feel this way about him but Pierre was the first person who really wanted to save me from my sins and right now all I want is for him to help me. So please, can I continue to talk to him?"
What I said was wrong. Everything felt so wrong. When was it going to get better? I just lied. Lying was not a problem for me but the words that I needed to say were so horrible for me. I just said that all I felt for the love of my life was a simple sexual attraction. God, I really needed to repent myself from that sin.
"You are sure that it is only a sexual attraction that you feel for Pierre?" The priest asked me and I nodded.
"Y-yes," I had to basically force the word out of my mouth.
"And you will be able to keep your hands off him?" he questioned and I nodded once again.
"I won't lie, we did get closer but nothing will happen. I swear to you," I promised him and he hummed.
"I will make sure of that, don't worry," he said, a hard look in the eyes and I swallowed hard, "Okay, now I will tell you about the new rules that you are expected to follow."
Just after his words, Pierre entered the living room, a tray of beverages in hand. He placed the tray on the small glass table and started serving his dad and I. He handed a cup of tea to his dad before placing one big glass of juice and a small plate of cookies in front of me. He then took the cup of what seemed to be containing coffee and went to sit besides his dad quietly.
His eyes met mine for one second and I gave him a small smile. Though, instead of giving me back a smile, I was given a blank stare and he just looked down before drinking his coffee. I was completely lost at his sudden cold behavior and a thought came to me.
Why did I have the feeling that I screw up really bad?