A low sigh and soft caressing brought him out of the lazy fog he was in. He has been lying on a chaise by the pond, watching the creatures of water enjoying the water and taking advantage of the peace permitting the air to venture out and explore. He wished he could be happy as they were at that moment but he felt so empty.
The holiday was over and many of the Horans had already moved back to their respective homes, albeit a bit reluctantly. Ever since Harry crossed that Terminal he had not been himself. He was walking around, a shell of his former self. He had tried, god knows he had tried, so hard to laugh and joke with the rest of the family. But he couldn't because his best friend left with a broken heart and it was all because of him.
He tried to hide behind fake smiles and hollow laughs but soon he was unable to even keep up with the pretense. He would digest sufficient amount of food that his body needed to keep functioning, then he would retreat into his mind where a haze of self loathing awaited him. He had called himself every horrible known name known to him and then he went on the internet and looked for more.
His family obviously noticed and tried to cheer him up. Any other time watching Claire subjected to lectures by G'amma and Deo being terrorized by the youngest generation of Horans would have sent him into fits of laughter instantly skyrocket his mood. But their efforts became torturous, he didn't understand how they could love him so and go to unimaginable efforts to cheer him up, when he had been so horrible to Harry. Hadn't they seen Harry's upset face when he left? Hadn't they seen the guilt written all over his face? They should disown him for hurting one of the kindest hearted people on planet earth. But then again, if they knew that He and Harry had sex they might just do that.
Every time his mind revisited that night, he would feel his cheeks heat up but he couldn't deny the shivers of pleasures that went up his spine whenever he remembered how good it had felt. Then his ears would burn and a sick feeling would paralyze him whenever he questioned why he liked it so much. Was he gay? Or was it just Harry? Whenever he imagined doing what they did with Louis or Liam he felt nothing but disgust. But when it was Harry his heart would thumb loudly, drowning out any rational thoughts.
He missed Harry so much. Never has he gone this long without ever speaking to the lad. It was like someone taking away a limb from his body and expecting him to walk normally. He didn't know how to fix it. He stuck in uncertainty and fear. If he contacted Harry, he would have to tell him that he didn't use him that night. Their wild night was consented and he did it because he had been attracted to him for the longest of time but that would also mean he had to figure if he was gay or not. Then there was the issue of coming out to his family and the whole world. He had a band to think about, what would their fans think? Would they stare at him in disgust or be ecstatic for him?
"Niall, please stop. This is scaring me." Greg's voice came from behind him. Finally he was aware of Greg and that his shadow that he was casting brought about a chill.
It didn't rival the chill with his heart but it was close.
"Greg, go away. I'm relaxing." His voice scared him for a moment. He had never heard his voice sound so hollow and without life. It was like someone had died.
"Niall, please. You have to get up and do something. If you can't, then at least eat something!"Greg said, his voice steadily rising with his panic.
"Have you taken a look in the mirror lately! " Greg screamed, going around so he could be Niall's face. " Your cheek are hallow. You are frighteningly pale. Your eyes have lost their luster. You haven't bathed in 3 days. You haven't eaten a good solid meal in days!"
Greg straightened up and thrusts a frustrated hand in his hair. His wedding ring glittered in the weak Dublin sunlight.
"You are going around like someone died! Mom is freaking out and dad is threatening to here from Mullingar if you keep like this. I mean even Theo has noticed your depression ad he is only 5, Niall!
Niall quirked at the word depression. "Is that what you all think I have. I don't have depression Greg ... I'm just..."
"Is that true Niall? Because you need to tell me the truth so that I know what to do. You can not make my little boy go through what we did when uncle committed suicide, Niall! You can't!"
Niall scrunched up his eyes in pain when he remembered his uncle. Uncle Lester, happy go lucky man who never seemed to have a problem hanging over his head. But the reality was he did have problems, so many of them. And he didn't bother to share with his family and one summer uncle Lester didn't show up at any Horans houses. So in standard Horan fashion, all the Horans that could visit him, went o his place. It was like some morbid troubled soul had possessed Uncle Lester. He no longer talked or ate. He barely went out of room. And finally when Niall's father made the mistake of leaving Lester alone to go grocery shopping, he finally did it.
Greg and Niall found him a couple of hours later, hanging from one of the backyard trees. Niall had nightmares of the dead look in his favorite uncle for years to come. Even in death, the depressed look he had been wearing for months before didn't depart from his eyes. Greg was just as affected as Niall, but with Greg it was much worse for he felt like if he had paid closer attention he could have stopped Lester. If he couldn't do that, he felt he could have at least kept his little brother from seeing his hero at his weakest point in life. Niall vowed that day, to always be the opposite of the Lester they found in his last day on earth. Because Lester was the big black cloud all of Niall's primary years, that gave him nightmares and made him lose his smile whenever the word uncle was brought up.
Niall hadn't realized what he was doing to his family. He never wanted them to think he was going to kill himself. He felt so empty at the moment but the last thing on his mind was taking his own life.
"I would never Greg." Niall said meeting his brother's eyes.
"Then you need to stop behaving like you are writing your own eulogy and tell me what is wrong Niall."
Niall placed a hand over his mouth and tried to choke down the feelings of panic threatening to boil out. He loved his brother but he didn't know how he was going to react to this. He wanted to shoo him away with a fake laugh and an insincere smile but if there was one thing he learnt over the years about having a sibling is that they can read you like a book and have a habit of never listening to what you said.
Greg remained quiet, sensing the turmoil that was happening in his head. Instead of forcing him to talk he grabbed a chaise and pulled it so close to his brothers that when he sat on it their shoulders touched. They sat like that for what seemed like hours.
Finally when the sun was above them, he blurted it out.
"Harry and I slept together." Greg turned his head to face him so fast, that Niall was sure he pulled something.
Niall kept looking forward waiting for whatever harsh words his brother would have for him.
"Slept together ... as in you climbed in one bed and fell asleep in that same bed?" Greg said playing stupid.
"No Greg." Niall said on a sigh.
"As in Harry was naked in bed, and you had your boxers on but you both fell asleep together." Greg said in a hopeful tone, because everyone knew how much Harry just loved being naked and cuddling. And he loved to do both at the same time, but only Niall would humor his perverted addiction.
"No."
"So you were both naked?"
"No Greg, Harry and I had sex! Not even on the bed too. On the sofa, in his suite. I mean how cliché is that?! God damn!" Niall shouted back at his brother in agitation.
" When?"
"The night of the day he arrived here. Freaking Bruno Mars was playing across the park and it just freaking happened!" He threw his hands in air in helpless abandon.
"How, why, where, when ... I mean .... What!?" A dumfounded Greg questioned. Niall would have found the stupid look he had on his face quite hilarious if they were in another situation.
Niall took a deep breath and put his poor brother out of his misery. He told him about everything, from good ol' innocent days to becoming closer to flirting with each other to the kiss on New years to sex in Dublin to rejecting Harry 5 days afterwards of ignoring his texts and calls to the song that Harry sang and broke him.
He felt like the biggest douche when he recounted what he said to Harry. He just wanted Harry to forgive him.
"And what do you feel about him?" Greg asked in a low voice. He had been listening quietly, taking in Niall's facial expression and body language as he told him everything.
"I miss him. I love being with him and knowing that he is not happy with me at the moment just breaks my heart. "
"I think you need to be truthful with yourself. You want to be with Harry in a romantic way. Everyone knows this. That's why our stupid family is literally trying to adopt him. And I'm not even kidding; Anne is on the verge of slapping G'amma with a restraining order. She keeps asking her if they can keep him."
Greg stayed quiet letting Niall process what he said. He still wore that mask of hopelessness and fear. Greg ran his hand into brunette hair and watched the water in the pond. Frogs could be seen close to the back, puffing out their cheeks as they breathed in the cool Dublin air. Dragon flies skimmed the calm waters surface, their unremarkable veiny wings fluttering a thousand time a minute. Everything was so relaxed yet their conversion was nothing but that. It had the potential to finally lift Niall's mood and bring back his good mood or it could do absolutely nothing at all or, even worse, worsen the situation. Greg knew the root of the problem was the way they had been brought up.
"We have always been taught that the natural balance in between a woman and a man Niall. And no one denies that. But that doesn't bring about happiness to everyone.
"I don't get you"
"I know you don't, but what I'm trying to say is that everyone needs and deserves to be happy. Some people are happy being with the opposite sex, some are not. It doesn't make any difference because at the end of the day, the same happiness straight people feel is the same happiness that homosexuals feel when they find that one person who makes them feel so special. And there is abso – fucking – lutely nothing wrong with that. And the same thing with you Niall, it's not a sin to be happy and Harry makes you happy, and as your brother, I'm happy for you."
"I'm not gay"
"I never said you were ... but you are all depressed over a boy you had sex with ... so I might just be thinking it." Greg replied with a mischievous glint in his eyes.
"Look that doesn't matter to me and I know I'm speaking on behalf of everyone in the family. We don't give a flying fuck whether you want to fuck a boy or not. We just want you happy."
Greg's swears solicitudes a grin out of Niall, "Thanks Greg. I'm not just saying this because I want you to leave me alone; that really helped. I feel so many ounces' lighter."
"Don't worry bro, you can buy me a very expensive gift for my b-day."
"Why, you are so considerate Greg."
"I'm such a natural born giver! People would jump to do that for me! But I gave the opportunity to your undeserving ass. And my great services will be a thousand Euros by the way."
"I thought the expensive present was your pay."
"Oh Niall, poor Naive Niall. You should know me better than that." Greg said with a pat on his back. He took his leave to haunt down his neglected wife and son. He also made it clear that Niall should pay double for being inconsiderate and taking him away from his young family.
"Why is my freaking god damn family so full of gold diggers?" Niall said to no one in particular. His face held a huge grin and for what seemed to be a long time, Niall felt like everything was going to be okay.