(Liam's POV - Sun. 20 April 2014)
"Don't you Liam me! Just leave me alone! And have fun finding a new toy!!" I shout, rage now burning within me, not paying attention to Liz's face who appeared through the bushes far behind Joshua. I don't want to hear any more than that. I just can't. I have to go away from here. Now.
Joshua is still holding the cheek that I just slapped, obviously shocked by my sudden outburst, but honestly, I don't even care. I turn around and leap up the flight of stairs to get back inside the house, slamming the door of the kitchen so hard that I am surprised that its window didn't shatter into pieces. The thick window is obviously stronger than my little heart which has shattered to pieces. I climb upstairs and shakily grab my duffel bag in the guest room, pull out my leather pants and stuff from the club that I discard on the bed to shove my personal clothes in, the few ones that I had brought here from my apartment. With the bag in hand, I hurry to Joshua's bedroom - yes Joshua's bedroom, not our bedroom I sarcastically think to myself - fearing that he might show up at any second, but as I pass by the window that opens on the backyard, I am relieved to see him still standing in the garden, frozen in the same position as two minutes ago, his eyes locked on the kitchen door I believe.
Maybe I should go back down and see if he is alright...? No! Certainly not! Detaching myself from this sight and quickly noticing that Liz has disappeared from where she was spying our loud argument, I gather my pajama pants and clothes from yesterday in the hamper, put them in my bag before I go back down, finally ready to leave. Just before I open the entrance door, I turn back and get a last look at the beautiful house where I shared so many beautiful moments with Joshua. For some reason, I remember the first time Joshua brought me to his home in October last year. That was the night before I offered him my virginity and also after the first time he took me to the club to show me what the relationship between a Dominant and a Submissive looked like.
Well, I saw what it looked like, and I even experienced it. These last few months have been the best in my life and I don't regret a single minute I spent with Joshua, nor do I regret losing my virginity to him because I think that I was already falling for him at that time. He was right when he said that I would fit in the lifestyle and I loved it. I sincerely loved it but it is just not enough for me. It worked in the beginning because I wasn't sure about my feelings for Joshua and I didn't mind not knowing what he truly felt for me. Besides, there was still this boyfriend relationship that worked between us and we had some very good moments together.
However, for the past few weeks I have realized that my feelings are getting much stronger than just the Submissive's to his Dom and I have needed to express these overwhelming emotions that seize me to the chore each time I see him or I am around him. This is not something I can keep to myself forever but more importantly, this is something I need to share with someone who feels the same for me, and it doesn't seem to be Joshua's case. Unfortunately, I don't think that I will be able to stop loving him, but I'd rather be on my own with my love for him than with him and seeing that he doesn't return the same emotions. So, am I making a mistake if I leave? Maybe yes, maybe not, but I can't stay with Joshua if he doesn't love me.
Should I go and tell him that I am leaving? I don't think so. My last message was clear enough and he must have understood it, so I sling my duffel bag across my shoulder and head out, giving a last look to the beautiful house. As I reach the street, I eventually wonder about how I am going to get home now. Joshua lives in a small town and since I was always driven there by either him or Tony, I don't even know if there is a train station or some taxis around here. Going up North where I believe the city center is, I begin to brood over my thoughts, grateful that I have calmed down and that my tears have stopped running. At least for now. About five minutes into walking, a car that I recognize as one of Joshua's pulls over a little ahead of me and I freeze because I don't want another argument with him already, and especially not in plain sight.
However, this is not Joshua getting out of the car but a furious Tony. I am so used to see him in perfect black business suits and white shirts that I almost didn't recognize him in his faded blue jeans and tee-shirt. He looks so much younger dressed as he is now and I realize that he is only in his forties. Over the last few months, I have come to like Tony a lot and to look at him, not as a father, but as some form of authority and protection that I always treat with respect although I love to tease him whenever I can, either by hurrying to be first at our meeting points and faking to have been waiting for him forever or by getting out of the car before he has had time to open the door for me, which usually results in grunts. He is not a talkative person, which I guess is part of his job, but our silences are always comfortable and I already know that I will miss him greatly, as I will miss Liz. Fuck! I didn't even tell her good-bye!
For a few seconds, we just stare at each other until he opens the back seat door and gestures for me to get in. What the hell is he doing here anyway? Has Joshua sent him? Or has he looked for me on his own accord like the first time he decided to drive me to the office? I guess that Joshua's and my little scene mustn't have gone unnoticed - and I did see Liz spying on us at some point, shock on her face. Whatever Tony is here for, I don't intend to go in the car anyway.
"I'm not going back there," I simply say as I determinedly walk past him.
"Liam!" he calls firmly. "Don't be silly and get in the car." I stop in my tracks, slightly offended by the insult, and turn to face him.
"I beg your pardon?"
"I said, get in the car. I'll drive you home."
"I can go home on my own," I argue stubbornly.
"The first train station is an hour walking distance from here!"
"I'll get a taxi..."
"You're not going to find one easily in this area. Come on, get in." How can I be sure that he won't take me back to Joshua's place instead? "I'll even let you sit at the front if you want..." he adds with a sigh, shutting the back door and opening the front passenger door. I hesitate for a for a few seconds and, not really keen on walking to the station and not even knowing where it is exactly, I finally give in, mumbling a thanks, and go to sit in the car, putting my bag on the floor between my legs. Tony gets back in and heads toward the Interstate 94. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asks a bit awkwardly and since I am looking through the window on my right, I can't tell what his expression looks like; I just wonder if he is asking out of curiosity, obligation or sincere interest.
"No..." I whisper, feeling that I might crack down again any second. The rest of the ride remains extremely silent and when Tony pulls over in front of my building 45 minutes later, I grab my bag and ready to get out, but he lays one firm hand on my left arm.
"Liam, I know that this is none of my business and I don't mean to interfere, but... try and give him a bit of time..." Tony says, still holding my forearm. Is he kidding me? I have given Joshua so much time already! Tears are filling my eyes again, so I don't turn back to look at him.
"Why would I do that?" I whisper, wondering how much Liz and he heard of my argument with Joshua.
"Joshua really cares about you, more than he wants to admit..." Tony insists, lightly squeezing my arm.
"Then we don't have the same concept of caring it seems..." I huff bitterly, pushing the door open and getting a foot out of the car, briefly pausing to add: "Thanks for everything Tony, and please say thank you to Liz too..." This is all I can manage as the tears start spilling from my eyes again when I finally free myself from Tony's grip and get out of the car without a look back.
"Liam!" I hear him call as I slam the door shut and run to my building.
I hurry inside and leap up the stairs, praying that Shannon is out. I really don't have the strength to face him now and answer questions, much less knit lies. As soon as I am inside my apartment and realize that the place is indeed empty, I let my sadness unroll and burst into tears. I lock myself in my bedroom and plop down on the floor, allowing the pain to crush me as I rehearse what happened in my head. How could such an agreeable and peaceful afternoon turn into such a dramatic situation? What the hell have I done?
For sure, the week-end had started on an angry note with the lecture and punishment, but once that was passed, Joshua forgave me and we enjoyed a very good week-end. Yesterday evening at the club was even the first time I enjoyed myself so much since Jeremy's departure. And today... well today was just great! The flour battle in the kitchen this morning was so funny! I had never seen Joshua so playful. It started stupidly as I was sitting on a stool at the counter across from him while he was standing on the other side, preparing the pancake batter. He didn't want me to help and when I sighed a bit too loudly in frustration, a little bit of the flour flew to his chest. Joshua scowled at me and grabbed a handful of powder that he threw to my face and the situation quickly degenerated in a playful fight and a very dirty kitchen.
I can't repress a bitter smile at the memory of how his face looked all covered in white, though I wasn't any better. After a long cleaning of the kitchen, we ended up in the big shower by the sauna and in the swimming pool, stark naked. Then I don't know what really happened to me. Maybe was it the beautiful weather and the peaceful and quiet afternoon in the garden? Or was it Joshua's happy and relaxed mood? I just suddenly felt the need to voice my feelings to him. I had wanted to do this for quite a long time and had always refrained because I was scared about how he would react. I can't tell what really changed this afternoon and what gave me the courage to speak out.
I guess that this is the combination of all the things I mentioned earlier, as well as seeing how Ally was showing off her happiness to start a family. I think I also suddenly needed to make sure that I had a potential future with Joshua and to erase my eternal doubts. I never really understood what such a beautiful and successful man would want to do with me. He says I'm cute but I don't believe that I am above any high standard, physically speaking; besides, even if I objectively consider myself smart enough and not stupid, I am no genius either and definitely not as successful as he is. Yet, growing more and more conscious about my feelings for him and what it implied, I needed to get to the bottom of things. Deep within me, I guess I knew that Joshua did not return my feelings, but I had let myself hope and seeing how serene the afternoon was, I thought that then was a good time to test him.
But from the moment he tried to shut me, I knew that he didn't love me. There had been some evidence in the past of course, like the fact that he wouldn't collar me, but I had refused to face facts. I had blindfolded myself, probably thinking that being in the dark would help my imagination to make things look as I wanted them to be. Joshua's sudden discomfort was like a raging and cold wind that blew up the blindfold and that's when everything became clear to me.
I had let myself believe that I could have meant something different than his previous Submissives to him. Getting closer to Jeremy, I had managed to make him talk a little more and I had learned some things about Joshua's previous Subs and how he treated them. Don't get me wrong, Joshua was always honest with them apparently and never misled them to believe that there could be anything more than a D/S relationship. From what Jeremy, and even Ed a bit later, told me, Joshua always stated it clear that what he was looking for was basically a submissive relationship without feelings.
The only problem is that he never clearly held this speech with me and that must have misled me. We even had the somewhat boyfriend relationship and I sincerely felt that he cared for me. Maybe he did care, in his own way, but this is simply not enough for me. I can deal with his lifestyle but not if it's only that. The pain I felt when I came to this realization was immense and I felt myself fall into a spiral of anger that released all the valves that had been keeping it down and under pressure. The pain and anger simply exploded and I couldn't refrain myself from letting them all out any more. I think I barely allowed him to express himself much but I couldn't hear anything he had to say. I didn't even want him to touch me. All I needed was to run away as fast as possible.
Which is what I did... Which is why I am now here on my own, all alone and crying my soul out.
At some point of the night, I must have dragged myself to my bed but I didn't find sleep. When the first rays of light seep through my closed curtains, I am still alternating between sobs and more quiet periods. Once in a while I check my phone, not really knowing why because I don't expect Joshua to call me or send me a text. Or maybe this is what I was hoping for. Whatever my expectations were, there are no messages.
I am feeling so tired and empty that when I realize that today is Monday, I just can't imagine myself going to work, so I pick up my Iphone and send a quick email to Edna and Elena to call in sick. I hate myself for being so unprofessional and acting like a coward, but I am definitely not ready to take the risk and meet Joshua in the building; besides, I would rather avoid having to answer questions about my puffy eyes or zombie appearance.
The only thing I have the courage to do actually is take a shower, a very cold shower, hoping that I will look slightly better when Shan gets back home and that it will clear my thoughts so that I can find a good excuse for my friend. As far as Shannon is concerned, the official version about my relationship - or rather ex-relationship - with Joshua is that we are lovers. How can I explain to him that I have only suddenly realized that Joshua doesn't love me, especially when I have been lying ever since the beginning? Our agreement, as Joshua said, is just a frame to our relationship of course and doesn't tie me to bonds as a matter of fact. However, the NDA I signed in his office is something serious and I can't take the risk to divulge some information that would get me or him into trouble. I do trust Shan to keep a secret, but I still have enough respect for Joshua not to deceit him.
Unfortunately, I don't really have time to make up some good story. When I hear the front door open around nine in the morning while I am curled up on the couch, I barely have time to wipe a lonely tear that was running on my cheek before Shannon shows up in the living-room, openly making out with a guy I have never seen before. Shannon has his arms wound around the guy's neck and walking backward while the other one is groping my friend's bottom and pushing him further into the room. The two are kissing, or rather devouring each other's lips, like there is no tomorrow - or maybe like they are about to do what both you and I know what they are about to do... That's until the tall blond-haired guy opens an eye and notices my presence; he freezes, pushing Shannon away in embarrassment. Following the guy's eyes, Shan flips on his heels.
"Li...? What are you doing here?" he asks in bewilderment. "Why are you not at w...?" he begins again and then, I am not too sure about what he saw exactly, but he turns back to his companion and leads him back to the entrance. "Hmm... Charlie... hmm... I'm sorry but I'll call you back later on..." I hear him say.
"Who's that? What's the matter?" the other asks.
"That's my best friend... and roommate... and....." I can't hear what Shannon whispers to him but a few seconds later, the door slams shut and he runs back to me and kneels beside me on the couch, his eyes full of concern. "Li... what happened?" I just shrug, feeling the lump tighten my throat again as he wraps an arm around my shoulder and the other one around my folded knees. "Li, tell me... Has something happened? Did he hurt you? Did he beat you?" he asks very quickly, brushing his hands over my face to wipe away new tears. Shan the Excessive... Why would he think that Joshua beat me?
"No..." I whimper, as the damned tears start to fall freely again. How can I still have tears to shed after all I have cried last night?
"Li... I hate seeing you like this... Tell me what happened or I'll go kick his ass in his office!" Shan groans in annoyance. I can't help chuckling at the image of my pit-bull of a friend barging in the Pierce Building hall, dodge the security guy and flash up to Ally's office before he attacks Joshua. "What's so funny? Seeing how awful you look, I don't think the situation is that funny at all..."
"It's you..." I whisper, still hiding my face in my knees.
"Me...? Glad to hear I'm funny, but I'd really like you to explain, Bunny..." he says worriedly.
"We just argued..." I sigh, leaning back into the couch and wiping the last stinging tears.
"You know that I don't believe you, right?" Shan says, scowling at me.
"You should..." I reply bitterly.
"Liam, I know you enough to say that if you only just had an argument with Joshua, that wouldn't have prevented you from going to work. That must have been the hell of an argument..." he explains. Why does this guy always have sudden glimmers of lucidity at the wrong moments?
"It was but... don't worry Shan..."
"Don't worry... don't worry... easier said than done!" he mutters. "Have you seen your face? You look more like someone who has lost a close relative than someone who just had an argument with his boyfriend..."
"Thanks for reminding me... That's why I didn't go to work..." I say, finally coming up with a decent excuse. "This is our first argument and... I probably overreacted... but I couldn't go to work in this state, you see..." As I go along with lying to Shan, I also realize that I am burying myself into more trouble because I already know that I will have to tell him at some point that I broke up with Joshua. Well I guess that this can wait.
"Yeah, yeah..." he sighs. "When did you get back home?"
"Yesterday evening..."
"And you didn't think of calling me?" he screams.
"Shan... I... I just wanted to be alone for a while..." I explain, digging my grave a bit further.
"Well thanks... I see that you consider me as useful friend..." he says bitterly and I realize how much I am hurting him.
"It's not what I meant, Shan..." I apologize, catching his arm. "Where were you by the way?" I then ask in a softer voice.
"Oh hmm... I spent the night in a club and met that guy... Charlie... and then we had a long breakfast at a diner before I proposed him to... come here..." he explains.
"Sorry I ruined your... bit of nooky..." I reply with a sigh.
"Na... don't worry about that... Blond is not really my type, you know that... or else I would have already gotten into your pants..." he chuckles, giving me a hug.
"No way..." I reply with mock disgust just when his phone goes off. He quickly fishes it from his jeans pocket and frowns at the number.
"Hello?" he says.
"Good morning, am I talking to Mr. Watts?" a voice says clearly. Shan should definitely turn down the volume of his speaker if he doesn't want to get deaf early.
"Himself..."
"This is Sandra from the Temp Work agency. We have a job that might interest you, Mr. Watts. Are you available for the next two months?"
"Hmm... yes... well it depends... what is this job about?" Shan asks warily, getting up and walking to the window. Follows a rather long explanation it seems but I can't hear anymore what the lady offers him and Shan listens to her carefully, punctuating her speech with hums and huhs. "That's... interesting... How much would it pay?" His eyes open widely a second later and I can imagine that the offer has to be really interesting. "Did you say $2 500 per month, housed and fed?" he exclaims before he turns back to face me with worried eyes. "Hmm... I don't know... That's... When do I have to give you a firm answer?" Understanding that I am the reason for his hesitations and not wanting to feel guilty for making him miss what seems to be a great opportunity, I cheer him to accept. He hesitates for a few more seconds before he finally agrees. "Oh... that soon... well okay then... I'll stop by your office this afternoon to sign the contract... Alright... Yes, thank you!"
Shan hangs up and comes back to sit beside me on the couch.
"So? What is this about?" I ask.
"A job in the Shawnee Forest, completely south of Illinois... She needs to give me more details but from what I understood, there's some kind of association that hires people to completely clean a certain part of the forest to replant trees and build some kinds of wooden cabins... All the workers will be housed in a camp nearby and they'll provide the food as well..."
"And that's paid $2500 per month?" I ask.
"Yeah... that's a lot... for manual work... but it's on six days per week," he replies thoughtfully. Well that's much more than he has ever had...
"You have to accept it Shan! Plus, it could be interesting..." I encourage him.
"But I'd be gone for two months..." he whines and I suddenly realize that I don't like the idea at all. Especially not now that I will be home all the time... But that's a great opportunity for him and I can't allow myself to play the selfish brat and not let him do it.
"Just do it, Shan..." I sigh.
"I don't know... I have a feeling that you haven't told me everything about... what happened," he says, his eyes filling up with concern. I don't want my friend to worry so I gather my courage and try to look stronger.
"Shan, just don't worry about me, I swear I'll be okay," I reaffirm, probably trying to convince myself as much as him. "When would you go?"
"It starts on Monday next week. They have five other guys from Chicago going there, so they have arranged a van to drive us there on Sunday afternoon..."
"Well that's great... you'll get more than I make at my job and you'll be housed and fed... that's an offer you cannot miss," I cheer with the happiest smile I can manage.
"Hmm... okay... but guess what? You tell your possessive boyfriend that whatever he has planned, you're staying with me the whole week and until I depart! After all, he will have you to himself for two months, so until I leave, you're mine! Okay?" I suppress a wince at the hurtful thought that anyway, I am not planning on spending any of the coming evenings away from my apartment. At least, telling Shan that I called Joshua and told him I wouldn't see him until Sunday afternoon will not be a difficult lie.
Shan and I spend the rest of the morning lazing on the couch and watching TV. I have switched off my phone and only turn it back on when Shan goes to the agency to sign his contract. I vaguely hope to see a message from Joshua, but there is none of course. He can't have been caring that much. I am pretty sure that Elena must have told Ally that I called in sick and that Ally must have told him. If he really cared, I guess he would have called me or at least sent me a text, but apart from voice mails from Elena and Allan who wish me to recover quickly, my phone remains absolutely silent. This only comforts me in thinking that I made the right decision.
Now comes the time to think about my future within his company. Of course I no longer work with him and the risks to meet him in the corridors are extremely weak, but how will I be able to deal with it if I do come across him? Will I be able to behave normally? Will I be able to hide my pain and walk proudly? Will he even let me continue to work in his company? He might as well fire me...
No... I can't let him do that. I can't let him win this part. I have to leave before he asks me to, although I doubt that he would do it in person. But I wouldn't be surprised if he asked Allan to fire me. Well this is not going to happen because I am going to leave first. Tomorrow first thing, I will be in Allan's office and hand him my resignation. I might have been the weak one in the couple - the submissive one - but I am not going to let him win the last act of our story.
Published on 5 Nov 2016