established relationship
She sat, staring out over the sky, her feet dangling from the TARDIS. She swung them back and forth, trying to think of a logical explanation for what had happened.
Sarah Jane. Was Rose just a replacement for her? It had crossed her mind at least a dozen times since they'd set foot in the TARDIS, and loads more before that. She wasn't insecure or anything, but her relationship with the Doctor was so new and fragile that she was afraid anything and everything would mess it up.
And then the Doctor had gone and invited Mickey on board. Was he trying to push her farther away? What had she done? She blew out her cheeks and ran her hands through her hair. Then there had been France. She had comforted him, but after a couple hours he hadn't even seemed that upset, never mind that she was still fuming over the whole situation.
That night she had put herself firmly in check. It was not his fault that a woman was attracted to him, she knew that better than anyone. And it was selfish of her to think that he was not allowed to speak to anyone else.
Snogging, however, was an entirely different matter.
She leaned her head against the door frame and heard the ship hum reassuringly into her ear. It wasn't really one event or the other that had her feeling this way, it was both of them combined, happening rapid fire one after the other, driving her completely mad. And the Doctor, being both a man and an alien, was oblivious to all of this.
That was, until he slid down to sit next to her, his trainers swinging out beside hers.
"Hello," he whispered.
She smiled back, hoping it wasn't as tight as it felt. "Hi."
"I should apologize to you," he said slowly, as if trying to let it sink in. His eyes looked so open, and sad, and she knew there was only one way she could reply.
"Doctor, I promise, you have nothing to be sorry for." And he didn't. He'd known Sarah Jane eons before she'd even been a twinkle in her mother's eye, and Reinette had thrown herself at him. The Doctor, of course, would be flattered. That wasn't his fault. She couldn't help but feel worthless, though, and she wondered if that was just a woman thing. No, she decided, she had the right to be jealous, and angry, but she did not have the right to hold it against him.
He blew out his cheeks and shook his head. "I do, though. You know me and you know I have things to apologize for." He held out his hand for hers, his eyes full of hope and she slid her hand into his, unable to refuse him.
"Okay, I'll listen," she said, "But that doesn't mean you have anything to-"
"Don't say I have nothing to be sorry for," he grimaced, "You've said that already and I still don't believe it, I still know it's not true. What I did to you, even what I did to Mickey, was inexcusable."
She swallowed and was pretty certain that he heard it.
"You deserve better than me," he whispered. "I abandoned you, left you to die, because I felt like a hero." He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. "I didn't even think that you might need me, because you're so strong." He paused and saw that she was waiting for him to finish. "I didn't love her. I wasn't in love with her."
"I didn't think you did, or were," she said quietly. Why was he telling her this?
"I love you. I'm in love with you," he said earnestly, choking on the words on their way out, his eyes brimming with tears.
She blinked, hard, surprised that he said the words at all. "What?"
"I can't not tell you Rose, not after how I've treated you. My stupid rules held me back from having you, and now that I have you I wouldn't tell you what you meant to me. I want you to know exactly who you are in my eyes. Just how much I can't lose you.
"And I know I didn't show you that last night, but you must know. Do you? Do you know?"
She nodded, his frantic attitude scaring her a little, but she understood it. She had felt that when it came to him more than once. She squeezed his hand.
"I know, Doctor. I love you."
"How can you?" he turned away from her, looking out at space. "How can you possibly love a monster like me? When I keep letting you down?"
"Oh yeah, twice is a real run isn't it?" She said sarcastically. "Doctor, have you forgotten how many times I've let you down?"
"You have never," he said with conviction.
Rose scooted closer to him. "I almost ended the world. The Reapers. I brought Adam on board, I keep wandering off, I never listen to you. Doesn't that bother you?"
"Yes," he admitted, "But you're worth it."
"And you flirt with every woman or similar being whenever I turn around," she said, "But you're worth it."
"I've killed so many people," he said softly, "I've ended civilizations, cursed groups for centuries, and the one time I get you, the one person who means more to me than anything, and I can't keep you safe."
She leaned over and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "We keep each other safe, Doctor. That's kind of our thing."
"But I can never-"
"I'm alive, aren't I?" She asked exasperated. "You got Cassandra out of my head, you stopped the Reapers I brought out. I've committed genocide too, you know. We're the only two people that deserve each other, really, if we're narrowing it down to bad things we've done."
He turned to her and rested his head on her shoulder, cuddling up to her. She wrapped her arms around him and let him bury herself in her warm skin. She felt the first tear hit her collarbone and she pressed kisses to his hair, pushing him back and cupping his cheeks.
"I love you," she said earnestly, willing him to believe it, that she wasn't angry at him, not really, especially not when he was so honestly guilty.
"I love you," he whispered back, pressing his forehead to hers. "Do you think... Do you think Mickey's asleep?"
She ran her hand through his hair. "Probably," she said absently, lost in every place he was touching her. "But I don't really care, do you?"
"No," he agreed, and leaned forward to kiss her. She could feel the apology in his lips and coaxed it out of him, letting it turn into something more desperate, with his hands coasting over her body everywhere he could reach with the restricted movements. Finally, he pulled away, panting heavily, and he scrambled to his feet, holding his hands down for her. "Come with me?" he begged, his eyes more honest than she had ever seen them. She smiled and let him lift her to her feet.
They weathered storms and wept over storms, but one thing is for certain: The Doctor and Rose Tyler always come out stronger.