-Maya-
Everyday is torture. Maybe it's because of the hell hole I've dug into while trying to save myself. I've hit rock bottom, my life is a lie, I'm not anything near what I say I am. Especially when I say I'm straight or I'm crushing on Lucas or Josh. 'Stop it.' I mentally curse as I punch my wall making another hole in the line I have in my basement. I just wanna scream. Every ounce of my soul feels like I'm lost or I'm drowning. Drowning in my sorrow that's filled the hole I've made. It doesn't help that everything moves faster than my grandma in a mustang after she had an energy drink. It's like being in a car without brakes. Once you move your foot to the pedal, it becomes lead and you can't stop. The only time I'm strong enough to lift is when I'm around her. She's the one I like, she's just a ray of sunshine that could only ever think of me in a platonic way.
I mean after all she did start dating Lucas because she thought I liked him. I played around with that for awhile before it hurt so much I couldn't anymore. Why keep a good thing apart from eachother for a selfish reason? I moved to the upstairs of my house and grabbed the laptop, "Ok punching bags...." I mumbled ordering a couple bags from amazon so I could stop breaking my walls. It's so funny how I can't stop putting holes in my basement walls but I won't do it anywhere above ground. I clicked order an shut my laptop running a hand through my hair. I hate myself when I'm like this. I hate myself when I have to clench my jaw so tight it hurts to stop from screaming out in all my agony, when I have to sit on my hands so I can't punch something until my knuckles bleed. I get the feeling like an air vibration around my knuckles when it comes on, after that I'm a monster. If I don't stop myself Ill explode like the volcano I am.
My phone rang and I saw Riley appear on the caller I.D. Her smile lighting up the screen, I calmed down when I saw her and picked up the phone, "What's up sunshine?" I could practically hear her crack a smile, "Im outside." She hung up, the bass of the song from downstairs played loud and I ran to the door opening it, "Hey Riles ill brb I have to do something." I ran like a mad man to the basement door, none of my friends knew I had it, it was my secret room where I locked all my feelings. I reached the bottom of the stairs turning off the music and turning to leave before I heard a 'Woah'. I closed my eyes and bit my lip praying to god it was my imagination. But he didnt respond to my prayer, she stepped out infront of me. Her hair in a high pony tail and her top clinging closely to her perfect curves, her jeans fitting her just right. She moved to the biggest hole in the wall, there was dried blood on the corners of the plaster from the only time I ever beat till my knuckles were bloodied. Her delicate fingers traced over the specks as she turned back to me, "Why are there holes in the walls? Why is there dried blood on the edge of this?" Her brown orbs bore into me like a bulldozer, "I don't have any punching bags." I mumbled through gritted teeth, I could feel myself loosing a grip.
I made my hands into fists and kept them at my sides, my knuckles turning white. I shut my jaw tight trying to stay calm for he because I didnt wanna hurt her. She looked down at my knuckles, "You need to leave." I spat through gritted teeth, "Im going to hurt you get out." She looked normal until she realized what was going on, fear washed over her face like an ocean wave. She moved closer to me and I stepped back against the wall leaning on my fists, "Riley this attack will never end, I will hurt you, I don't want to hurt you please leave." My voice shook and her look changed from fear to concern when she heard me. I sank to the floor and she moved next to me, "Please, I'm going to hurt you, I can only hold it in for so long." She sat in front of me as I sat on my hands. She looked as if she was contemplating something, I felt a single tear find its way down my cheek. Riley did something unexpected, she moved me onto her lap my fists were trembling from no hitting something yet. She cuddled into me on her lap moving my hands out of a fist so she could intertwine her fingers with mine.
She put her head in the crook of my neck and placed a soft kiss there. My heart raced at the action and she repeated it, again and again and again. Moving up ever so slightly with each kiss sending shivers down my spine. She removed one of her hands from mine and began to rub circles into my back, she hummed to herself as she continued her actions. She reached my jaw and my breath caught in my throat, she tightened her arm around my lower back as she looked into my eyes. The tingling previously on my fist moved up my arm to my elbow, everything I hated about myself told me to push her away and to hit until my knuckles bled but something inside stopped me as I looked into her gorgeous eyes. Her chocolate eyes begged me to be ok, hidden in her eyes betrayed what she looked. A hint of sadness sat in the corner of her eyes and I couldn't take it any more. I shoved her back running to the opposite wall and hitting it with as much force as I could muster, and then again, and again, and again. My knuckles were sore and tears streamed down my face when she put her head in the crook of my neck and she wrapped her arms around my waist. I punched with a single hand not wanting to hurt the one person who didn't leave in the midst of my fake anger. She moved her lips to my ear, "Hey now, it's ok. I'm here, I love you." She pressed a longer kiss into my neck and it made me punch harder, real anger fueling my aching arms now. "Hey. Hey. Hey, what's wrong?" She kept her arms tight around my waist and I hit, exhaling a hard breath, "You will never love me." I felt her head tilt in confusion, "I just told you I loved you, I tell you that all the time. What's going on here Maya?" I sighed.
Should I tell her? I don't know... My mouth betrayed my thoughts, "You will never love me the way I love you. You will never feel what I feel." I grit my teeth waiting for her to leave as my punches got weaker around the deteriorating plaster. She never left. Not when I forced her arms off and sank to my knees to cry. Not when I wouldn't open up. Not when i jumped into her arms and her shirt made her look like she jumped in my pool. Not when I told her I was in love with her. She stayed with me. She held me tight in her arms until my sobs turned to hiccups and my fists let go into a hand. "Shhh. Maya I love you and I mean what I say. I love you in every way, darling don't do this to yourself." She used her long fingers to lift my head from her chest. My eyes tried to look any where but her face but I felt her chocolate ones burning a trail through mine. I gave in returning her gaze, she smiled at me and pulled me closer. I could feel her hot breath hitting my lips, then her lips on my lips. My cold soul burned like a fire when her hands caressed my cheeks, her lips coming even closer to mine. I pulled away first, resting my forehead on hers
I closed my eyes again and nightmares played on the black screens of my eyelids. "You're weak Hart." Her hands dried the tears that fell at the memory. "Im a mess why are you still here?" I played with my hands in my lap, well technically also her lap because well, that's where I was sitting. She took my hands in hers and rubbed her thumb over my bruising knuckles, " Because I care about you. Because I wish I would've found out sooner. Because I'm your bestfriend. Because I love you." She kissed my knuckles between each reason and I genuinely smiled for what seemed like the first time since I had my first attack. I brought her face to mine and kissed her honey lips. "Thank you." I slept the best I ever could that night.
I woke up in the morning and felt an ache spread through my fingers and arms. I go to stretch but an arm around my waist stops me and pulls me closer. Confusion takes over for a second before my memory returns and I smile. I turn to Riley and cuddle into her chest. She kisses my forehead and my smile radiates in the heat of our bodies. For once I feel like I can take on my anger issues, even the deeper ones where I'm mad for no reason. I feel like I could take on the world with Riley by my side.
(A/N)
I'm going to rant a little bit. Honestly I hated Girl Meets Bear. I feel so much hate because they are toying with us. I hated it because of how they portrayed Maya in this episode. Maya is her best friend who would put down even tacos for the girl she loves and it makes me mad how they made her the only one that didnt help. I also hate the fact that Zay asked Maya out. Maya didnt feel comfortable at all, you could see it in her face when he asked. I hate how other shippers are throwing this in our face. We ask to be respected because well, we are one of the smallest ship groups. Another thing that I'm mad at right now is my parents. I recently came out to them and my Mom asks me why I won't talk to her and then when I do all she says is I need to pray or go to god. And she asks why I don't talk to her. But now since Im out I thought it would be easy since my parents still love me right? Nope! It's the opposite, my parents want counseling to handle my "issue". My mom is telling me that I can't tell anyone else now because she "doesn't want me hurt." But no one who says this knows how much it hurts to hear them say that. Another thing I'm mad at is the world: the world where the only thing that makes sense on a TV show is a guy and a girl dating. Because its 2016!!! Dammit a girl and a girl being more than friends is a good thing! Everyone says "oh it'll decrease the small followers they have left." I say bull crap! No one knows it! Hell if they put gay crap on Disney channel it'd probably make the world a better place! Kids would know about it and accept it more!
Anyway I think I'm done ranting now. I just wanted to ask a quick question, I have been getting ideas for a rowbrina chapter and I was thinking I could include some Rowbrina in here. Let me know what you think about it. Also feel free to suggest ideas. (Please keep them PG or PG-13 I am trying to stay friendly for these chapters!) thank you for all the support and hope you enjoy!