I wake in a huge room in a king sized bed light streaming through the curtains. The room is unfamiliar, a huge walk in wardrobe is to one side with an ensuite on the other and a large plasma TV on the wall opposite the bed. I raise my arms out of the bed and notice a diamond ring on my left hand, third finger-I've never seen it before. I wipe my eyes and remove the duvet. I'm wearing a set of matching white pyjamas-a vest top and a pair of shorts with lace around my legs. I dangle my legs over the side of the bed and feel a pair of slippers on the floor so I drag my feet into them and get off the bed. I walk towards the door which must lead into the hallway and it does. I follow the smell of pancakes and fresh orange juice entering a large kitchen diner with an island breakfast table and the back of someone in a black dressing gown head bend over the newspaper. I shuffle in and see a plate of pancakes and a cup of orange juice laid out opposite the man. I skirt round the table and my mouth drops eyebrows furrow when I see who it is-Shah Rukh. He looks up from the newspaper and smiles getting off his stool to come and embrace me from the back. I put my hands over his hands and feel him kiss my neck.
"Morning beautiful," he whispers in my ear followed by, "and good morning jellyfish." He rubs my stomach and I look down. I realise I look a little podgier than usual and notice how the plate of pancakes seems quite large and the topping is not what I'd expect-it's korma sauce.
"Hello?" I twist in his grip until I'm facing him and it's like suddenly everything is dawning on me. I am married to a Shah Rukh, I have been since a couple of months after filming Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge which means we've been married for just over five years. I am four months pregnant with our first child and we nicknamed it 'jellyfish' because it likes to move around and looked funny when we went for the ultrasound-which is stuck to the fridge. We have just finished filming Kabhi Khushie Kabhie Gham which means it's in editing and we are supposed to be marketing it. But the most interesting thing is I never married Ajay Devgn and Shah Rukh never married Gauri, in fact I just worked with Ajay as an actor and Gauri had never even materialised.
"You look pale," Shah Rukh's face is full of concern and it reminds me of why I married him, "do you feel okay? The baby does it feel okay?" He sits me down on a stool and rushes to get me a glass of water.
"I'm fine," the words pop out and I suddenly find myself laughing. All of this is so strange but slowly I'm forgetting my other life, the one with Ajay.
"You sure?" Shah Rukh lifts my face with his hand so I'm looking him straight in the eye. I lean forward and kiss him, delicate passion and all you'd want from a kiss. I smile at him, his hair flopping into his eyes. I brush it away gently and the doorbell rings. I'm about to get up to get the door but Shah Rukh shakes his head and goes to get it. I turn to the pancakes and Korms sauce, it looks oddly appetising so I dig in.
"Gosh someone's hungry," I recognise the voice and feel someone kiss the top of my head before plopping down a bag on the worktop, my mum.
"Hi," I manage through a mouthful, I've already devoured two pancakes.
"It's that baby it'll come out fat," my mum begins to empty the bag as I feel Shah Rukh wrap his arms around my waist.
"I don't know how you can eat that," Shah Rukh moves his face away as I bring a forkful up to his lips laughing.
"It's strangely okay," I say putting it in my mouth and chewing.
"Now don't forget you've got an appointment today to check your bloods," my mum wafts some paperwork under my nose, "Shah Rukh says he can take you but don't forget I need both of you to come to lunch today for your father." We both nod, me and Shah Rukh-it's my dads birthday.
"Yeah I'll see if they can rush us through," Shah Rukh gently squeezes me.
"Maybe I should go and get changed," I smile at Shah Rukh. I feel so in love with him.
"Gosh you two need to get a room," my mum hits Shah Rukh playfully with a dishcloth. It must be evident that we're so in love. I turn on my stool and put my arms around Shah Rukh's neck pulling him towards me. I kiss him and it feels so good.
"Mmm korma and pancakes actually quite tasty," Shah Rukh leans in to kiss me again and I let him before sliding off the stool and heading back towards the bedroom flashing Shah Rukh a smile and blowing him a kiss, which he catches, before I push the door open.
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I'm suddenly holding a tray laden with breakfast things and I'm no longer wearing my white pyjamas. Instead I'm in a long white nightdress with no shape and the bedroom looks familiar yet not. It's darker, a bed on one side with two bedside tables on either side of it, a small TV opposite and a desk underneath with a mirror on top and a wardrobe next to it. The guy in the bed rolls over and I notice it's Ajay.
"Hum, breakfast in bed what have you done?" Ajay grumbles moving his pillows so he can sit up. I walk into the room and place the tray over his legs, not really noticing any of my actions, not really in control.
"Nothing," I stutter furrowing my eyebrows in a confused manner.
"I saw the pregnancy tests in the bin, I'm not thick," Ajay mutters spooning scrambled egg into his mouth and chewing harshly.
"I..." don't know what he's on about but then it dawns on me. I had had miscarriage after miscarriage with Ajay, never able to hold a baby. I had thought I was pregnant so did three pregnancy tests only for them to all be negative. Ajay was desperate for a baby, as was I but it just isn't happening. There's also one more thing, Ajay is sleeping with another woman. I found out a few months ago when I was washing his clothes and his collar smelt of sweet perfume I don't wear, then there were the secret phone calls, the late nights, the lipstick left in our ensuite which wasn't my colour.
"It was negative so maybe we should celebrate," Ajay spits, egg spraying over the bedsheets. My head feels like it's going to explode, it was the same conversations we had every time it said negative and it made me feel like shit each time. I feel tears prick the back of my eyes and rush out of the room into...
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"Awesome you're ready lets go," I feel Shah Rukh put his arm around me as I walk back into the kitchen. I'm wearing jeans and a yellow blouse with flat ballet pumps on. He's in a white shirt and black jeans with a pair of smart black shoes, probably so he doesn't have to change before my dads birthday lunch. I smile up at him and let him lead me out of the house towards his car. He opens the door like a gentleman and ushers me in, then he buckles my seatbelt for me before shutting the door and rushing round to his side of the car. We reach the hospital quickly and Shah Rukh sweet talks the receptionist at the maternity section to let us in early. We sit in the waiting area people pointing and nodding in our direction. People liked to refer to us as the new 'Jaya and Amitabh Bachchan' because we did movies together and we're married. I rub my stomach and can't help but smile. I'm pregnant with our first child.
"Mr and Mrs Khan-Mukherjee," a lady in a pink dress calls our name. It sounds weird hearing it, like I'm hearing it for the first time. Shah Rukh jumps up before helping me, he takes no risks with this child. I have my blood taken, my BP read and my sugars checked before the doctor says all is fine and to come back for my next scan in a months time when we can find out if it's a boy or girl.
"I think I want a surprise," I whisper to Shah Rukh as we leave the hospital.
"Okay," Shah Rukh opens the car door again.
"Are you sure?" I ask as I quickly buckle my belt so Shah Rukh can do it for me.
"Totally," Shah Rukh smiles, "it'll be more fun this way." I laugh as he closes the door and runs to the other side. We drive towards the restaurant and park in any free space we can find. We are a couple of minutes late so we take a brisk walk to the glass doors and open them.
********************
It's colder in the restaurant because of the air conditioning. I see my mum wave at us from across the room and I plaster a smile onto my face as Ajay pushes me across the restaurant. He sits down next to my father and I sit next to my mother.
"Ajay how are you?" My dad asks shaking Ajay's hand.
"Fine thanks sir and you?" Ajay can be so polite to strangers, friends and my family but to me he likes to let out his aggression.
"Excellent," my father responds. I open the menu and lift it in front of my face so I don't have to watch Ajay pretend to be nice. The waiter comes and we order before Ajay says he needs to go to the toilet.
When he's out of earshot my mum whispers, "is everything okay?" I look at her tears welling in my eyes.
"No," a tear slips out of my eye and I brush it away angrily.
"Talk to us," my dad urges from across the table.
"I took a pregnancy test yesterday and it was negative and Ajay is angry with me because it's been six months since I last miscarried and I'm going to see my doctor about going on the pill so I definitely can't get pregnant yet because she says it's not good for my body," it all just splurges out onto the table like a waterfall of words. My mum puts her hand on my shoulder.
"You look different," she sighs. It's true, I've got permanent bags under my eyes, my cheek bones stick out more than usual and you can start to feel my ribs if you hug me.
"Come home," my dad pleads and silent tears pour down my cheeks. Ajay obviously doesn't fool my parents even if he can fool his. I see him coming out of the toilets and feel as though I can't breath. I push my chair back with a harsh scrapping noise and hurry out of the restaurant.
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I find myself in the middle of a field, in a baby blue kameez my hair in a plait.
"Kajol!" I hear a voice behind me and look back. It's Ajay. He's in black jeans, a black top and a black leather jacket. Rage fires in his eyes and his fists are in tight balls making his knuckles white. I can almost feel his anger.
"Kajol," I hear a voice in front of me and look forward. It's Shah Rukh. He's in black jeans, a white shirt and smart shoes, a birthday balloon in his hand. He's smiling and has his hand out beckoning me to join him.
"Kajol," I whisper it under my breath. That's me torn between two people, two places, two organs. My head says Ajay, yes he may not love you like Shah Rukh, he may hate you and you may never be happy but he's the sensible option because you're already married and that's the way things will always be. My heart says Shah Rukh who loves me deeply, who wants me to be happy, to smile but he's the risky option because in reality he is married and so am I but to different people and I don't want to stuff up more than just one persons life.
"Kajol?" The voices come from both directions now. I close my eyes and hear my name echo in the sky. "Kajol?" Suddenly there's a shift, I hear the ground cracking below me-it's now or never. I open my eyes and see a split starting to occur in the dirt, a black gaping hole waiting to swallow me up. I look from left to right, from Ajay to Shah Rukh, from fists to an outstretched hand.
"SHAH RUKH!" I reach for his hand. I suck in a deep breath which burns my throat and my eyes fly open, I'm blinded by white... too much white. The sound of Shah Rukh's name echoing in my head or is it in the air?