Pierre was not lying when he said that we would not be able to talk for a few days. A little part of me believed that I would be able to talk to him without his parents knowing but this task seemed to be difficult to achieve.
On this not so beautiful Monday morning, I did as I usually do - I came early at school because I knew that Pierre would come early and this would give me more time to spend in his presence. It was only a few minutes after I arrived at school that he came accompanied by his mom. Like always, they both went to the school library and after about ten minutes of waiting outside to see if Pierre was going to come out or not, I finally entered in the most silent ways.
I easily spotted him at his usual table, reading a book. I glanced around making sure that I was free to go talk to him when suddenly, I saw his mom walked to his table and sat with him. I did not really worry about it at first as I thought that she would quickly go away but no, I soon realized that there was a book in her hand, a book which opened and started to freaking read!
I sighed in desperation behind the bookshelf that I was hiding. I knew why she was doing that. She didn't want me to come near Pierre. She was guarding the place like if she was the dragon guarding the tower of Fiona in the Shrek movie. Of course, I wanted to do an act of bravery and rescue my beloved Prince but I was in so much shit already and for once, I did not want to add more to my pain by going to fight the dragon.
So I did the only thing that I could do. I walked away and went to the place where I normally went when I was not observing, aka stalking, Pierre. The rooftop of the high school. This was my favorite place in the entire high school actually. When I did not feel like watching Pierre, yes it did happen sometimes, I would come here and watch the beautiful blue sky that was offered to me. I would remain there until the bell rang, announcing that it was time to go to class. I would lie down and look at the sky, thinking a lot about my life.
Sometimes, in rare occasions, I would think about how my life would have been if I did not live in this town, if I was in another family. My life would have definitely been different. Maybe it would have been much more happier for me, maybe my family would have been more loving and caring towards me but also, maybe I would not have met Pierre. That was one thing that ran through my mind multiple times but I simply put it aside because, I was sure of it, he was the love of my life and I knew that even though we were far apart, we would always find our way back to each other one way or another.
We were destined to be, I knew it deep down in my heart.
When I arrived on the rooftop on that particular Monday, instead of lying down and looking at the sky like I normally did, I sat down and removed out of my bag what many people would call a personal diary. Though, I preferred to call it my secret journal, it somehow appeared less girly to me.
A few years ago, when I just entered high school, I started to get depressed with how much things were getting worse and worse for me. I became frustrated, my emotions were a complete mess, I was not able to express myself like I wanted, I could not open up, I could not be me. Then, I didn't remember how but, I got the idea of writing what I felt on paper.
At first, I thought that it was a dumb idea but then I thought and thought about it before finally buying one big journal. I was not sure if this would help me feel any better but I had nothing to lose so I tried. The first few times, I didn't write everyday but then it started to become a habit. At night, I would take my journal and start to write about how I felt, what I saw, what were the general news of my life and my expectations.
It did feel good.
Though, I stopped writing last year. I didn't really know why I stopped. I just did and I did not touch my journal since then...until now. I was going to read it. You must be surely asking yourself why I wanted to read something that I wrote with my own hands. There was one single answer for that question and that was that I wanted to see how much I changed since I last recorded something about my life.
I wanted to know if I somehow became stronger or if I remained the same as before. I knew that a few things did change in my life, like the fact that I was now talking to Pierre when before I was scared to try to make conversation with him but I wanted to know if something else changed about me.
What happened last night was still on my mind, it was still hurting me and usually it did not take long for me to forget about the pain my parents caused me but I did not feel like I could do it now. I wanted support for once and the only person that could give it to me, I could not even get closed to him.
So all that remained was my journal. It made me feel better before and maybe it would do its beautiful magic on me once again. I actually got that idea yesterday. After I ended up the phone call with Pierre, I remained sitting on the floor not really knowing what to do with my life. Just when I decided to go take a long bath, my dad came banging on my door.
He shouted at me through the door to come out because he wanted to talk to me. Of course, I told him to go fuck himself in the most polite way possible. He was not so happy to hear that and threatened me saying that if I did not open the door, I was going to regret it but I could not care less about him.
He could not open the door, nobody in the house had a key to my bedroom. I had make sure to steal the key that my parents had with them. I did not want any one of them to get into my room when I needed my privacy.
Well, my dad continued to shout at the door for me to get it open while I simply went to take my bath. Good thing, I had my own bathroom. For the first ten minutes, I could only hear the shouting of my dad. My mom even joined him at some point, but I acted like if they weren't there and they eventually gave up and went away. It was then that my journal came to me and I decided to search for it.
Sighing, I checked the time on my watch and realized that I still had about thirty-five minutes before school actually started so I could read a few pages of my journal before going. Looking down at it, I slowly touched the cover, it wasn't anything special, just a simple black cover. I opened it as a soft breeze caressed my cheek. I moved my fingers on the first page which was a little bit rough to the touch.
It was then that I began my reading.
19 February 2013
This is so dumb.
Seriously, who invented the idea of writing your pain on paper to get better? I did not know who. I don't see how writing my most deep thoughts on a blank page will help me feel better about my life. It is kind of unrealistic and unlikely to happen but I don't really have any other idea right now so I will just stick to what I'm currently doing.
So here I am, sitting at my desk quietly, ready to write down my dark secrets while my parents are shouting in the background. Theirs voices are actually coming from somewhere else in the house but they are shouting so loud that I think that the whole neighborhood is hearing them. Well, one good thing about it is that for once, they were not shouting at me but at my big brother.
Emile.
A bad ass he likes to call himself. Me I prefer to use the word dick to describe him. He is older than me by three years and because of this, he likes to act like if he is the boss of me. So from what my parents are currently shouting at him, I can conclude that he is going to be a freaking daddy.
Yep, you heard it right, journal, Emile White got a girl pregnant. I mean nothing was sure yet as the potential mother still has some tests to pass to verify it but my parents are still going crazy about it. They are horrified basically and are most likely ready to explode. Emile is their precious son after all. For them, he is perfection.
But my parents don't know the truth about him. Emile is a pretty good actor in front of them. Actually, if I wasn't the way I am, Emile would have been the one to bring shame on the family, he would have been the only trouble maker. He did things worse than me but still, my parents continue to see him as the perfect son ever.
Ha yeah right.
To be honest, I will not be surprised if the girl turns out to be really pregnant, though, I am a little bit worried about this potentially future baby. Emile cannot take care of himself. All he thinks about is sex, partying, drinking and smoking so now imagine him taking care of a baby. God, he is still a baby himself.
Not to flatter myself but I must say that I will be a pretty good dad. I am kind of good with kids and I will be really happy to have some in the future and by having some, I mean adopting of course as you know, I like boys.
I can already imagine it. A home full of kids, joy, understanding and love for each other. That's the type of family that I want, a family completely different from the one I have now. I will maybe have three kids and have a house in a quiet place with a beautiful garden. While the children will be playing, me and my husband will be in each other's arms, watching them play and then I will kiss him on the lips, telling him how much I love him.
I am incurable romantic you will notice.
And speaking about future husband...
I saw a boy today, a pretty cute boy. Something told me that I saw him before but I couldn't remember who he was nor where I saw him. I was in the high school library, doing some research work when I noticed him.
Dear god, I was amazed by the sight of him. He was sitting by the window and a ray of sunlight was lightening his face. And when I saw him smile at his book, I so much wanted him to smile at me like that. I spent some good minutes watching him, observing him, I even nearly forgot what I was doing in the library in the first place.
I could not remember who he was and that was seriously bothering me so I did a little bit of research around the high school to discover who that mysterious boy was but turned out he was the freaking priest's son.
Just my luck, I tell ya.
Just when I found someone who picked my interest, he needed to be the priest's son. I could not believe it but you know, I don't think that he is gay so I don't think that things would ever work out between us. I just wanted to inform you my dear journal about this sexy boy who I would really like to kiss on the lips.
Okay, now my mom is calling me for whatever reason and I don't want to make her wait as I know that if I do make her wait, it will be really bad for me so I will just go.
How do people normally end this thing? I have simply no idea so I will end it the normal way.
See ya, journal.
The Declan White in person.
I chuckled at the last sentence. Now that I realized, I wrote more than I thought I would in this first entry. I remembered that day, I could not forgot it even if I wanted to. It was a few weeks after I first entered high school. I was thirteen nearly fourteen in a few months. It was the day that I noticed Pierre for the first time. Of course, I did see him before but I never really paid attention to him until that day.
I did not even think of the possibility of having a future with him at that time. It was later that I discovered that what I felt for him was more than a single attraction. Sighing softly to myself, I turned the page and continued reading.
23 February 2013
Hello my dear dumb journal which has no ability to talk nor feel a little bit of sympathy for me. So I realized that I did not present myself to you the last time and that maybe you are wondering who the hell I am (I'm totally sure that you do not give a crap about who I am but I will still present myself).
I am Declan Edward White, a thirteen year old boy nearly fourteen who is trying to make his way through life. I'm gay, it's pretty obvious if you ask me as I mentioned before that I like boys. I live in a place where only religion matters. The only things that the people know here is god, to pray and to be good to others except me, of course. I am the devil in disguise after all.
Living my life is really hard you know. I admitted to my whole family about two years ago that I like boys and their reaction was not what I wanted it to be. They shouted, saying that I did not know what I was talking about but I totally knew what I was talking about.
I just knew it.
There was this boy that I used to play with in kindergarten, his name is Lucas. Since the very start I always felt this strong attraction towards him and you know, at this young age of purity, every little kid somehow find this one person who they say that they like and that they will marry when they become older and hearing that, their parents would just laugh, saying that it was cute.
Though my parents did not find it cute to learn that I liked Lucas and Lucas' parents either did not too much appreciate it. Well, things happened and now Lucas does not even acknowledge my presence and when he does actually talk to me, it is to insult me with his friends. I do not know what his parents tell him but now he is really disgust with me.
My parents too tried, they are still trying, to make me disgust with myself, to make me fear what would happen to me if I continued to speak bullshit, like my dad stupidly said. Apparently I will rot in hell for the rest of eternity but I can't change who I am. I tried, you see but girls are not my cup of tea. I do not even know what other boys find attractive in them.
Well, my life is misery to sum it all. Because of the thing that happened with Lucas, people in town learnt my little thing for boys and now they all hate me. Hate is a strong word you might say but when you live my life, you will see that it is a common feeling that you will receive and surely feel for some people.
But enough talk about me, let's talk about something else.
Oh by the way, my brother is not going to be a dad. Well, the girl is pregnant but she is pregnant of about one month and according to my brother, he was not dating her one month ago. I don't know what happened but the girl admitted that it was not him the father and that she did not have any idea about who it was so she simply told Emile that it was his.
From what I heard, Emile simply threw her away like a piece of crap and now he was with someone else already. I can not believe that boy. And to think that this being was my big brother. Ah life is definitely full of mysteries.
Now, let's talk about the most important thing.
Pierre Lois.
I am sure that you remember him, journal. He is the boy that I talked about the last time. He is the priest's son. I learnt his name in the course of the week and right now, I am a little going crazy about him.
I did not see him at all before but now it seemed like everywhere I go, he is there. We do not have any classes together but dear god, each time I walk in the corridors, he is there and during lunch time in the cafeteria, I realized that I have a clear view of him from where I sit. Nearly each time I went in the library, he was there! I even saw him walking down the streets when I was in the school bus on my way home!
Can you believe it?
And you know what's worse about all of this? Each time, I see him, I can't help but stare at him. He is so captivating and the way his eyes light up when he smiles is so adorable. I get this weird feeling in my tummy and I just want to grab his face and kiss his beautiful lips. And now it's Friday night and I have to wait for the weekend to be over to be able to see him again, I am so impatient.
I cannot like him. This is a bad idea to like him. I mean he is inaccessible. He will surely bring me more pain than good....but you know, he is so nice! I tried to find some kind of default in his personality but that guy is much more nicer than everyone I met in my life. If he was an asshole, things would have been much simple but no, they were not simple. They are hard and painful.
I have to get him out of my head but I don't know how to do that. I want to not like him but each time I see his smile, I'm like in heaven with all the butterflies in the stomach and everything sweet in life and a part of me know that I'm doomed and that I will be doomed for the rest of my life.
He could have been the baker's son or the postman's son but no, he needed to be the priest's son. Pierre must have surely grow up in the teaching of god where gay people like me need to be banned and eliminated. He may be nice but no one knows if he will be nice to me.
I need to not think of him anymore and just try to move on or maybe watch cute guys on the internet to get his face out of mine because I know for a fact that Pierre Lois will never notice my presence nor have any feelings for me.
I reread the last sentence a couple of times. I remembered when I wrote that too. I ended that entry there because I did not know what to write next and I just wanted to sleep to forget everything.
I guessed that after all I changed in some way. Before I did not want to let myself fall for Pierre, I did not even hope that he would one day love me in return. I just felt hopeless and tried to do things to make me not think about him but it was completely useless in the end. I have always found my way back to admiring him and despite my hard attempts to not think of him, I fell so hard in love with him.
Sighing, I checked the time once again. Five minutes only remained before the bell rang. Time went by faster than I thought. I guessed that I would have to read the rest later. I took my journal and put it back in my bag before I stood up and made my way to my first class.
Just when I stepped in the hallways, the bell rang and everyone around started to sprint to their class. I remained in place, watching them. No one noticed me of course and the ones that did see me happened to bump into me by 'accident'. The assholes. They did not even apologize. They never did.
I waited until the corridors were a bit more empty before I started to walk to my class. Just when I turned a corner, I stopped walking. There, only a few meters away was Pierre. When he saw me, he too stopped walking. He was surely going to his English class which was opposite from my class. It was maybe creepy but I learnt by heart his schedule for every single day of the week by now.
Pierre quickly glanced around before continuing to walk in my direction. I thought that he was just going to ignore me but I was surprised when he suddenly grabbed me by my arm and dragged me with him.
"What are you-"
"Quiet," he interrupted me and I shut up immediately. Okay, what was going on?
My question was answered when Pierre opened a door and pushed me inside before getting in himself. I accidentally bumped into a broom and a confused expression came on my face when I realized that we were in the small room where the janitor kept his cleaning things. I turned around and looked at Pierre.
"What are you doing?" I asked him the question that I was going to ask him earlier. Don't get me wrong, I was happy to see him but I never thought that he would one day secretly take me in this really small room, in which we were only a few meters apart, when we were supposed to go to class.
"I need to talk to you," he said, pressing his back against the door and looking at me in the eyes, "And I also wanted to know if you are feeling better since last night."
My eyes softened.
"I'm alright," I told him but he looked unsure.
"Are you being honest?" he questioned, "You can tell me. I want to know."
I sighed, averting his eyes. Was I really alright? No, not so much but I knew that tomorrow I would be back to my normal shelf and actually forget this shit that happened with my parents. I just needed some time to let myself be sad.
"Declan," Pierre said when I was not replying to him. I looked at him and he stared back at me. I just wanted one thing right now but I was not sure if I should. I thought about it for a fraction of second and then let my bag fall down from my shoulder before taking Pierre into my arms.
He was surprised at first but then he slowly and surprisingly hugged me back. I buried my face in his neck, my breath touching his skin and he shivered. I seriously did not want to let go of him.
"What I wanted to tell you is that I will come see your parents tonight," he said and I groaned.
"You are still thinking about this?" I asked him, my lips closed to his throat, "I thought that you would have changed your mind after a good night of sleep."
"Don't be ridiculous," he scolded me, "I'm going to talk to them, it's final. I already told my parents about it this morning and their condition for letting me go to your place is that I don't talk to you so I will just have a talk with your parents before going- hey!"
Pierre quickly pushed me away and brought his hand to his neck.
"Did you seriously just bite me in the neck?" he exclaimed in disbelief and I laughed.
"You were talking too much," I told him and he hit me on the chest. It was not a real punch but it was enough to make me laugh once again and that only made him more annoyed.
"Idiot," he said, "Next time I won't let you hug me, not if you are going to bite me again."
"What? You did not like it?" I asked him, trying to tease him.
"Of course not," he replied, "Why would I like that someone bite me in the neck?"
"Maybe if you were in another situation, you would have liked it," I told him with a smirk and he gave me a confused look.
"In what situation?" he asked and I hummed, a playful smirk on my lips. Before he could react, I grabbed both of his hands and pressed them against the door which only resulted in him exclaiming at me to let go immediately but I did not mind him and simply brought my lips to his ear as he tried in vain to get out of my grip.
"Well, you see, Pierre," I started, replying to his question, "When two people make love, they happen to bite each other in the neck, it's their way to mark their partner and show everyone who they belong to. It also helps to make the sex part more interesting and exciting."
"S-shut up i-immediately," Pierre ordered me, stuttering as his whole face turned red. I could basically feel his body heating up as I pressed my body further against his.
"And when I will take you in bed, I will make sure to mark every little centimeter of your body," I told him and he gulped.
"N-not gonna happen," was his reply and I laughed.
"We'll see," I told him, brushing my lips against his ear. I then kissed him on the cheek before backing away. He glared at me.
"I honestly want to slap you hard in the face right now," he admitted as he let his arms fall to the side.
"I have this effect on people," I joked, even though there was some part of truth in it.
"How many more times must I tell you to not touch me for you to actually stop?" he asked me.
"I simply can't resist you," I said, touching his cheek and he slapped my hand away, "You are so cute."
"Stop saying that," he exclaimed, "I'm a man so stop saying that I'm cute and stop touching me in this way. You make me uncomfortable when you do that."
"In what way are you talking about?" I questioned even though I already knew the answer.
"The type of way in which your body is pressed against mine when I obviously don't want you to be so close and when your breath on my neck, it's ah!" Pierre groaned loudly, "God, I need to go now, I will be in big trouble if I'm more late to class but that conversation is not over." He opened the door and glanced outside, "Okay, no one is here. We can get out."
"Are you going to give me a goodbye kiss?" I asked him and he glared back at me. I raised my hands in the air, "I'm just kidding, love. Don't be so serious."
"I'm not your love, I'm not anyone's love," he murmured under his breath but I heard him well and it made me chuckle. He got out of the janitor's room and I followed him outside, closing the door behind me. He looked back at me and said, "I will see you at your home. Don't skip class."
"I was not planning on doing so," I told him, "I was going to my class before you kidnapped me."
He rolled his eyes.
"I knew that it would be hard to talk to you after so I had to do it now," he said with a sigh, "See ya, Declan."
With that said, he walked away and after he was fully out of my sight, I started to walk towards my class, thinking about what excuse I was going to give the teacher.
***
Here is chapter 12 ^^
I hope you all like it. I'm sorry for the errors in the chapter. Don't forget to vote and comment. I hope you all have a fantastic day!