Ava –
Sitting in the waiting area of the emergency room, I shook my head in total disbelief. Yeah, we all had our differences with one another. Some caused more shit than others for no reason but that didn't mean any of us had a right or reason to sit up here and act as if we weren't concerned about the wellbeing of another.
With the exception of Torii, at one point or another, we'd been laid up in a hospital and we'd been there for one another. Troy especially. She should have been the main one showing some type of concern, compassion, something.
But she sat there with a stale look on her face as if this didn't affect her. As if it wasn't, partly, her fault.
"You were the last person to talk to her privately."
"Yeah, after she almost ruined my night, one I was enjoying until she showed up. But you know, nobody ever mentions her randomly popping up and trying to swing on people during her drug fueled moments of anger."
"None of that should matter! She's fighting for her life."
"And when she makes it, she's going to go back to doing the same old shit! You want me to feel bad because she binged for over a week? I don't. And I'm not sorry. How many times have we tried to help, Leann? How many times has she gone right back to snorting or shooting up? You're not going to place blame on me or make me feel bad because she CHOSE to do a full blown drug binge because she was in her feelings after Marliss wouldn't let her fight me. Or because she feels shorted behind a damn ten-minute solo performance. Or whatever other ignorant reason she chooses. I do not and will not feel bad. What I will do is pray, because that is how I was raised and how I was taught. But I won't ever feel bad for the decisions she makes. She is grown, and if she really wanted help, if she really wanted to stop she would have done so already. And you're not going to say I'm at fault just because she started the shit after she and I got into it. That's what you're not going to do, Ava."
She sat back in her seat, putting on a set of headphones immediately after.
I felt disgusted by her entire reaction, and it only confirmed how great the divide between the four of us was.
As I was about to get up to step outside for some fresh air, I spotted Leann's friend Jay and KC walking down the long corridor that led to the entrance and exit.
"Have they said anything? How is she?"
KC walked straight to Troy and Torii, accepting their hugs. "We've heard nothing yet Jay, but she always pulls through."
"Yeah Torii, but how many more times can it happen before..." Jay stopped herself, sighing. "Anyway, they don't want me to bring KC anywhere near her, but it's literally killing her not to have him around."
KC spoke up. "She chooses it though." He held his head down for a moment. "I won't pretend that I didn't think the call was them saying she was already gone."
Torii looked at him, pulling him into another hug. "Hey, don't go thinking that, okay. She's not going to leave you."
Pulling away from Torii, KC walked back and stood next to Jay. "She already has, a lot of times. Sometimes I wish she hadn't even been called. No offense or disrespect because I love y'all and I know you were great friends at one point. But, I wish she hadn't been chosen. At least back home, with no money, she didn't put her focus on all of that. It was just about me. I feel like we would have made it out eventually."
Troy spoke up after removing her headphones. "But, you wouldn't have the better life that you have now."
"What good is it if I lose my sister, Troy?"
"You won't. You just make sure you make the difference, or keep going down the road that she wanted for you. Sometimes we lose our way, and we need someone younger than us, or close to us to remind us of our original plans and ideas, and reason for even doing something. Listen, I won't front like your sister and I are cool. Far from it. But if it's one thing I know about her stubborn ass; it's that her intent has always been for you to have and be better. Even if that means being better than she is. For now; save your anger, save your words that I know you have for her. Pray, and this time you be there for her."
"But will it make her stop and change?"
Troy shrugged her shoulders. "I honestly don't know, KC. I hope it does, for your sake."
"Excuse me, you're all here for Leann Comeaux, right?" We nodded and the doctor went on to explain that she was stabilized and breathing on her own, along with other details before assuring us that she was going to pull through. She would be fine as long as she rested and remained sober. "If two of you would like to sit with her for a while, I'll allow it."
"Go ahead KC. Encourage your big sister. She needs a lot of it, and it won't be genuine coming from any of us."
He nodded, walking past me as he and Jay followed the doctor.
After being the only one to stick around and talk with Leann, I went home when visiting hours ended. I didn't know what to do with myself or my feelings. They ranged from grief and sadness to outrage and disgust.
I had a similar way of coping, but I was always too scared to drink when I had bad feelings and thoughts about what could happen to me. I didn't want to end up the same way.
Sitting on the side of my bed, I sighed and wiped away tears that wouldn't stop falling. For the first time, I picked up my phone and dialed the first number that came to mind.
As I waited and waited, and waited, I said a silent prayer. Hoping to find some type of peace, something to settle my nerves and spirit.
Finally, the other end of the line clicked and I was hit with one of those annoying messages. The number had changed, which meant my parents had finally done what they said they would. Cut me from their lives fully. This no doubt came after me constantly denying them access to my money, but whatever. I'd once realized I didn't need them, and I'm certain I'll come to that realization again.
I then felt an urge to call the only other adults, aside from Deena, that had been kind to me back when I lived in Arizona.
Waiting silently, I felt a bit of relief when I heard his mother's voice. "Who is this?"
"Hi, Mrs. Harper. It's... Ava."
"Ava? Sean's ex?"
"Yes Ma'am."
There was a long pause and a bit of the warmness in her tone faded. It was to be expected though. "What do you want?"
I shrugged, for my own benefit, unsure of what I really wanted to say to her. "To hear a familiar voice. I know we're not on the best terms, and will never be again, but it's been some tough times lately, and you came to mind. One of the kindest people I've ever met in life."
"Yeah, I used to think the same about you. I'm sure you know Sean's not out, and probably won't ever be. I don't know what you have over my son's head, to the point where he won't even try to appeal or ask for a new trial or a reduced sentence at the most, but trust and believe, you'll get what's coming to you."
I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, Mrs. Harper, I know. Karma is working overtime on me."
"Good." There was another long silence before I heard her speaking with someone else.
Before I knew it, I was speaking to someone that held the title I once held. "Who is this? Where's Mrs. Harper?"
"You don't need to worry about her, nor do you need to bother calling back here again. What? It isn't enough that you're letting Sean rot in jail?"
"It's more to it than what he's told you."
"Oh, we know the full story. He just feels so guilty, though it's really all of your own fault. So damn dumb, couldn't even realize what you had in that man. Couldn't be satisfied with him trying to make up for a mistake, trying to regain your trust. Wasn't he your biggest, and only, supporter? And you still weren't satisfied. Nah, you decided you had to have your cake and eat it too. I would never wish what happened to your child on my worst enemy, but everything else... you earned."
I pulled the phone from my ear, looking at it for a few seconds. "Now wait a minute. I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but you have no right talking to me like that! You don't know me, or what I've been through!"
"Nor do I give a fuck. What I do know is, you're not going to worm your way back into this man's family. Harassing or making his mother feel bad when you're down and out on your luck. Nobody has time to be picked up and used when you want someone to make you feel good about yourself and your faltering little career."
"Excuse me!?"
"Oh, I know all about you, Ava. And I'm glad you started fucking up as soon as you got out there in California, because that made room for me."
"And you are?"
"Jae, Sean's wife." My jaw dropped. "Do not call my in-law's home anymore. Do not call trying to check up on his status, because if you cared as much as you claim in those interviews, you would have done more than just point the finger. You would have told the full story to everyone, rather than letting them make assumptions based off of your I'll play the victim ass half-truth." She hung up in my face. Instinctively, I thought to call right back, to give her a piece of my mind, but I left it alone.
I was so done with bitches assuming they knew me, my heart, what I thought, and how I felt about certain things. It wasn't my fault. Being young and dumb, had he not confessed, I would have defended him until the very end, just for us to still have some type of relationship, whether we were still together or not. It wasn't my fault, none of the bullshit that'd been happening since was my fault.
The next evening, we had to go on with the tour, giving some generic excuse to the fans so that no rumors about a split, earlier than planned, would hit the presses. Thankfully, no one had gotten wind of the fact that Leann had overdosed, and no shady ass journalist sought to find her, or poke around for the fake name Brandy used to have her admitted to the hospital.
Standing on stage, at a distance away from both Torii and Troy, I went along with the typical motions of giving the fans their money's worth. Since it was only the three of us, we had to work extra hard. Though I wanted to give up right then and there, I had to suck it up and push through.
The last thing I needed for anybody to come at me with was the fact that Troy was 'ill' and still busting her ass. Last thing I need was another comparison.
It went this way for the remainder of the California shows we had. Exiting the stage after my extended solo, I sat in front of my vanity and took a deep breath, looking at myself in the mirror.
I'd come so far in life and still felt as if I'd done nothing, and gotten nowhere. Removing my makeup, I could only shake my head at the appearance that looked back at me. I looked so much older than twenty-two. All because of stress, all because of the bullshit I'd encountered since entering the industry.
I was exhausted, and it showed.
"Excuse me, Baby Girl... don't mean to interrupt, but can we talk for a moment?"
I turned around to see Kyrie walking in, looking like the giant and gentle teddy bear he'd always been. I nodded, and he took a seat on the couch on the left side of the room. It was silent for a few moments, and I figured he was trying to get his thoughts together. Though he was close to all of us, in spite of our faults or what went on between the four of us, he rarely ever talked to us separately.
Rarely ever held conversations that didn't pertain to music, us needing him for safety reasons, or anything simple. He just wasn't the type to hold long and serious conversations.
"First, let me make it perfectly clear that I know and understand that I am not your father, I'm not any type of parental figure to you or the others. So, whatever I say to you, you can ignore it, or you can take it as me caring about you enough to have a little heart to heart."
I nodded. "You can tell me anything, Kyrie. Out of anybody, your opinion is probably the only one I still care about and respect."
"Probably because you haven't heard what I think and how I truly feel. See, I keep myself at a distance for a reason. Too many times I'd gotten close to and attached to the people I've worked for and protected, and it didn't end well. Specifically, young ladies like yourselves that I eventually grew to see as my own daughters. With the four of you, it was entirely too easy to welcome you into my life and heart because you all saw me as more than just the big security guard. Immediately, you treated me as family and that resonated with me. That helped me grow to love you all, care for you all. In doing so, I've come to worry about you so much. Your actions, behaviors, and everything else. Even when I don't say anything."
"Why don't you?"
"It's never my place. However, I think you've all finally crossed that line of no return. And if you haven't, it's coming real soon. I've never worried about your safety more than when the four of you go at one another. Knowing the things that you know about one another; Troy's illness, Leann's drug abuse, you when you're drunk and parading around with these different men, Torii's pregnancy and your penchant to talk about her weight before... and you still cut one another down so badly, still put your hands on one another. I don't get it."
"You expect us to not stand up for ourselves?"
"I expect you, as women in your twenties, to know how to talk things out like adults. You specifically. You know how to leave well-enough alone, you just don't like to. You have to have the last word, and sometimes Ava it isn't necessary. You like to get the other girls to a point where they curse you out and 'hurt your feelings' so that you can place blame elsewhere. It isn't necessary. You love walking around and screaming that you're grown, but you're not. You're still a child, doing adult things and screwing up your life in the process."
I couldn't believe he would say that. "Now make no mistakes, Ava. I am very proud of you for everything you've accomplished over the last six years. Immensely proud; however, all of the bull and drama y'all bring into the business side of things, as well as your personal lives, it overshadows all of that. Someone random could recognize me and know I work for y'all, and the first thing they'll ask me, in regards to you, is something negative. The first thing people say at the mention of your name, something negative. Always something negative, and when I try to stick up for you, I can't because everything anybody says, it's almost always true."
"I don't think so."
"You don't have to think so, or believe it for that matter. But it's true. And eventually, you won't have anyone to take up for you. You won't even have anyone to come and talk to you the way that I am. Then you're really going to be mad at the world, and convinced that everybody is out to get you, or make you look bad when really you're doing it to yourself."
I sighed, looking down. "So what am I supposed to do? I can't make people like me. Tried that, failed. I can't change people's opinions of me. And no one ever seems to come down on the others. It's always just me!"
"Stop worrying about others!" I actually jumped. Kyrie had never raised his voice, at anyone. "Fix your own issues. Own up for what you do, and what you've caused. That's it Ava, it's that simple. Fuck somebody liking you, stop looking for validation or for someone to side with you for idiotic choices. There are people who know your heart, and they try to stick up for you, but you continue to make it hard for them. Eventually, we're all going to give up on you, and what will you do then? Cry and complain that it was a conspiracy, that everybody was plotting against you? Cut the bullshit and grow up. Really, grow up."
Wiping away the tears that'd begun to fall, I took a deep breath. "Is that all, Kyrie?"
"No, but I've got this really sad feeling that it won't matter whether I say anything else or not. I love you Ava, as if you were my own daughter. That will never change. But you've got to grow up."
Kyrie stood, walking over only to give me a kiss on the forehead before he left the room.
Leann –
I covered my face with my hands, hating that the first time I get to see my brother in months, it had to be like this. I couldn't believe I'd gotten back to this place. I hadn't meant to overdose, not this time.
I just wanted to take the edge off, space out, rid myself of all the bad things I'd been feeling lately.
I wanted to numb the pain.
Exhaling, I put my hands down, letting them rest at my sides. Looking over towards the window, I was surprised to see that KC was sitting there, staring at me. "What are you doing?"
"Trying to find and recognize the old Leann."
I burst into tears. "I'm sorry, KC. I really am."
"I want to believe that. But you've been sorry before, and well, I've seen you hospitalized or carted off to rehab more times in the last three years than I can count on hand. I just want to know why."
"Why what?"
"Why would you still do it? Knowing how Dad was. Knowing that crap left me motherless. I wasn't too young to know that we struggled Leann. I watched the things they did to one another, and sometimes the things they did to get the drugs. I know what you had to do so that we could have money and food before you started working, because of their drug addictions. Why would you do it too?"
"I never meant for it to get this bad."
"Yeah, just like you and everybody else never know the full extent of what damage it causes beforehand. Let me guess, you thought you could quit anytime?"
"Certain things, yeah."
"So why do the drugs that you knew would create a habit, an addiction? Why would you forget that you still had me to take care of?"
"I didn't forget."
"You did."
I looked at my brother. His demeanor was clam, his voice low and even. But I could see anger and hurt in his eyes. He wasn't a little boy anymore, most certainly not my little baby. "I was doing better KC, I swear I was."
"So what happened this time?"
I took a deep breath, wiping my face. "It was just too much. I couldn't handle them taking you away, not being able to see you. Being told that Jay wasn't allowed to bring you to see me. It broke me."
"So... instead of proving that you'd changed, you just chose to relapse."
"It just happened."
"You. Chose. To. Relapse. I mean; if it were ever me, I lose something that's supposedly the most important thing in my life, I'm gonna work hard to get it back. Or did that stuff just matter more?"
"I don't know how to explain it KC, I don't know how else to explain what else I was thinking and going through. It was just so much pain and I needed a way to escape. Drinking wasn't enough."
"Apparently, neither was I."
He turned away from me and moved, standing in front of the window. He never faced me again as he spoke. "They told me that when you get out of here, they're allowing Jay to bring you home. You'll have to be supervised around me when she's at work. And if you remain clean and sober, I have the choice of if I want to go back home with you, or remain with Jay."
I stayed silent, afraid of what his answer would be if I asked what he wanted.
He spoke again, this time, barely above a whisper. "I want you to get better Leann, for me. But I feel like, I'm just an excuse for you to go back to it." He finally turned around and looked at me. "Like, if after the trial period I decide that I would rather be with Jay because it's stable. You'd leave, come back up here to Los Angeles, and the next time I hear from or about you, you'd be back in the hospital. Or worse. In fact, I automatically just think the worst now. I don't want to, but I do. I want you to want to get better. I want you to want to be done with all of that. Don't think about me, don't think about giving me better. Don't think about any of the expectations that you have for yourself, that are placed on you because you're an entertainer. I just want you to want to be done and better for yourself. I want you to want that."
"KC..."
"Do you want that, for yourself? Do you want to be done with drugs, do you want to be better and healthy again?" He started crying. "Do you want to live?" I said nothing, closing my eyes as more tears ran down my face. "It's how you cope, now that you allow things and problems to return and build up. It's how you deal with your anger and whatever else you go through. I get it. I understand, and I love you anyway. I'll always love you, Big Sister. But, I think I'm gonna stay with Jay."
"KC, please. I just can't do it alone."
"You're gonna have to, this time. The more I see, and the more of my own anger I let build up, the worse things will be later. And then, I might end up like you. I love you, but I don't wanna be like you anymore. Not when you're this way."
It felt like a knife was plunged into my heart. I've lost it all.