I wake up to loud voices in the hallway. I look around confused for a few seconds before the events of last night slowly come trickle in my mind. Immeditaly the pain is back and my heart clenches. I hear the voices again. "No she is not here!" That is dad. "Please. I just- i just got to see her. I won't do anything. Please." That is tobias. His voice takes me back to better times but with it also the pain gets worse. I quickly snatch my things from last night and slip them on. I make the bed as good as possible and try to reduce the marks i left as good as possible. I look out of my window. The van stands infront of the house. I see Zeke sitting behind the wheel. Mars head peeks out of one of the windows. I quickly duck and crawl over to the night table. I take my phone and look whether i have some messages. I got more than some. I got about fifty. I take out my phone and write chris: Meet me at our spot in about 20 minutes. You can bring Mar if you want. I look out of the window and see how Chris looks at her phone. Her eyes grow wide and she nudges Mars shoulder.
I let them find an excuse and try to think of a way out. Just then i remember the window in calebs room. It looks out to the other side of the house. I sneek through the shared bathroom and into his room. He isn't laying in his bed anymore.
Just when i opened the window i look down at my feet. Oh no! I am only wearing my pink unicorn socks. Uri gave me those for my birthday. My shoes are still downstairs. I look around in Calebs room. Finally i see a pair of his sneeker. Yes! I put them on. They are like five size to big but better than no shoes. From his window i climb into the tree. From there i catch a glimpse of Tobias and my dad in the kitchen. I gasp. Tobias looks awful. His eyes are red and his face is blotchy. He has dark circles under his eyes and his whole posture is tensed. He still looks handsome. How can someone still look handsome when he is in such a shape? No! He doesn't look handsome. He is a piece of shit! I dart my eyes away from him and focus on climbing.
I arrive at the old train station about ten minutes later. I jogged so i'd be faster. I walk inside and look around. I don't spot Mar or Chris. I just sit down at one of the platforms, my feet dangling over the train tracks. While i sit and wait Tobias face haunts my mind. His all blotchy face. His red puffy eyes. His broad shoulder. His muscl- No! Border! Stop it now tris!
I feel tears in my eyes again. I press my hand to my chest to release some of the pain. It doesn't help. Nothing helps. I just sit at the platform rocking myself back and forth for a long time.
Then suddenly i hear voices. "Mar come on. Its safe!" Chris. "Okay okay. I'm coming." Mar. Then i already hear their footsteps on the concrete. "Tris..." Chris voice breaks. In the next second they both hug me. And in that second i break down. Tears flow down my face and i am not able to stop them. I sob and clutch their shirts for support. But its no help. The pain is deep inside of me. It licks at my organs like acid and spreads through my whole body. I just sob and cry while they hold me.
After a while my sobs become more quiet and my tears don't flow as fast. I release their shirts out of my firm grip and wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. "Oh god tris." Chris hugs me again. "I will kill him for hurting you so much." We pull away again. Mar clears her throat and lays her hands on my shoulders. "Okay Tris please don't get me wrong, i am on your side and everyone else is as well, but this morning when we told four what he did he got as white as a sheet. He started shaking and we had to sit him down. He nearly threw up and i could even see tears in his eyes. He was miserable. So all i am saying is that you might want to listen to what he has to say." My heart clenches again. But this time - i realise - it clenches for tobias. Oh god! I love him so much. How could he do this to me? Tears flow out of my eyes while i slowly look up. Mar and Chris look at me concerend. "So?" Mar asks softly. "I-... I will hear what he has to say. But not today. Today i don't want to see him. I don't want to hear him." They both nod. "Of course. Would you mind if we tell that the others so they can tell him?" I shake my head no and mar calls zeke. He picks up after a few rings. "Hey mar." She turned on the loudspeeker. "Hey zeke. I just wanted to tell you that tris told me that she will hear what Four has to say but not today." Suddenly we hear shuffeling on the other side and then i hear his voice. "Tris?" His voice nearly breaks. "Tris are you there?" Tobias sounds so weak and vulnurable. "Tris please i..." and then it goes silent. Mar hung up. I start crying again. "Thank you." I sob. "Anything for you." Mar says and gently rubs my shoulder. "I just love him so much. Why did this happen? I don't understand." I sling my arms around my legs and burry my face in my knees. Someone of the two of them rubs my back. "You know tris." Chris starts. "My mum always used to say that we were giving this life because we can manage it. And i think you and four were giving this challenge to manage it and become stronger through it." "Or broken." I add and hug my legs tighter. They both sigh and so we just sit at the platform and the sun shines on our faces. Mine is still covered in tears.
We leave. Sometime. Maybe a few hours later. Chris drives me back to my parents house.
"Do you want us to stay with you?" Mar asks once we stand infront of the house. "No i am fine. Thank you for everything. You really helped me. But i think i want to be alone now." They both nod and each give me a hug. "Tell us if you need anything." Chris says ehen i already opened the door. I force a smile and nod. "Of course." I walk towards the house and ring the door bell. My mother opens the door. Once she sees me she hugs me tightly. I clutch her for support. "Your father told me you are here but i couldn't quiet believe him. Look at you. You are so strong and beautiful." She looks me up and down. I manage a small smile. "Thank you." She smiles widely and steps inside. I follow her.
I excuse myself from the table and walk upstairs. I don't think i can handle any more small town stories. Before i go to my room i go to the bathroom. When i look in the mirror i see that my eyes are still a bit red and even a bit puffy. Also my expression is like i am constantly having a lot of pain. Which is true at the moment.
I quickly turn away before the image of Tobias kissing that girl pops into my head again. I sigh and walk into my room. When i switch on the lights i let out a small scream. Tobias sits on my desk chair. I lean on my bed post for support. "You scared me." Mar was right. He looks as bad as she described him. Now from the near i can see that he is pale and his face is blotchy and his eyes puffy. "What do you want here? How did you get in here?" I try to keep the pain in bay. Seeing him here. Just sitting there makes it so much worse. "I-i-i'm really really..." "sorry?" I interupt him. "Please tris let me explain this to you." "You didn't answer my question..." He looks confused at first and then nods. "Ehm i saw that the window above the tree was open so i decided to take a chance and climb through it. I got lucky and your brother wasn't in his room." "So you just broke into my parents house?" He rubs his eyes and ruffles with his hand through his hair. "I'll go as soon as you tell me to." I open my mouth to yell at him and scream that the only thing that i want is that he goes but instead i close it again. That wouldn't be true. I sigh and sit down on my bed. "Tris please let me just explain what happend. Why i-i - Why i kissed that girl..." at that point i loose it. The tears roll out of my eyes again and the pain hits me like a wave. I press my hand to my chest. He looks at me and looks just as pained as i feel. "Tris please i..." he stops because i turned around on my bed so my back is facing him. "Wh-when i said that-that i don't wan-wanna see you. I-i meant it!" I sob. The tears wet my pillow. I hear him standing up. I hear him coming closer. "Don't you dare touch me!" I snap and sit up straight. And sure enough he just stretched out his hand to touch my back. In one movement i am on my feet. "Don't you dare touch me with those fingers! Those fingers that probably roamed everywhere over that girls body!" His face twists in pain. "Tris please. I am sorry. So so sorry. I was drunk and stupid and didn't know what i was doing. I swear to god i love you. So much. Only you." I turn away from him so he won't see that another wave of tears fload my face. "That is why you go off and kiss other girls. Touch other girls..." i spit at him. "Tris what can i say or do? Please tell me." He begs me now. And when i turn around again my anger suddenly is gone and there is only pain left. His face shows the things i am feeling. "I trusted you." I say quietly. "I trusted you more than anyone else and you threw that away." "No tris. I didn't. Please believe me. I don't know what got into me. I just drank and drank and i did everythimg wrong that i possibly could do wrong. I left you alone and then kissed another girl and then i let you run away." He sounds honest and a big part of myself wants to believe him. Wants to just forgive him and lay in his arms again. But there is another part of me. And that part feels betrayed and is hurt. And that part is strong. "The others said that you didn't know anything the next morning..." i say and slowly look at him. He nods. "Not a single thing. Only blurry images. Some of you. Some of zeke. When the others told me what happend. What i did i..." he ruffles his hair even more. "I could barely breath. I only wanted to find you. Talk to you. See you. I love you so much Tris." Again i have tears in my eyes. "You hurt me. You hurt me like no one else ever did before and now i am scared. If i forgive you... will you hurt me again? Tobias i don't think i could take that..." "I know i hurt you tris. This is what bothers me the most. To see you in pain is the worst thing that can someone do to me. And that it was me who hurt you makes me hate myself. I want to punch myself and hurt myself just as much as i hurt you." I am in tears again. "I love you tris. Please just let me know wether you will ever be able to forgive me. Then i will go. Just give me that answer." I look up at him. He looks so vulnerable. So small. And without thinking i jump up and run into his arms. I start crying and i feel his tears on my back as well. He presses me close towards him. "Oh tris." He sobs and his and my sobs rack both of our bodies. "This was one of the worst days in my life." I mumble. He presses me closer to him. "I am sorry tris. I can't tell you how sorry i am." He just holds me tight towards him and finally, finally the pain dulls. It becomes an aching. An aching for his lips on mine. His perfect lips on mine. I pull away a bit but only so much so we can press our lips together. His lips move against mine. I sigh and pull him closer to me again. "I am sorry." He whispers again. I don't answer. I just kiss him again. "I love you." He mumbles. My heart clenches but i don't answer. His face twists in pain. He stumbles a few steps away from me. "Tris, I love you." I just look away. "I-i am sorry i just kissed you. That was wrong." I mumble. His eyes widen. "No! I don't think it was wrong!" He says and looks at me pleading. "Tobias... I think you should go now." When i say that sentence all the power seems to vanish out of his body and his shoulders slump down. "Okay. I will." He walks towards my window and opens it. Before he climbs out completly he looks at me. "I still love you Tris." And before i can respond he vanished from the window. I run over to it and lean out. Tobias reached the ground and started running. "I still love you too." I whisper into the night.