i love you baby, and if it's quite all right i need you baby, to warm the lonely night , trust in me when i say
***
I never thought I'd be standing outside of that familiar blue-gray door, that was, not without handcuffs or a gun pressed between my shoulder blades, and yet, there I was. Anxiety tore through my muscles, swallowing was difficult, and when I drew a deep breath in, all of my sense was screaming at me to run in the opposite direction as fast as I could. This was the entrance to hell, seemingly innocent but I knew, I knew that there were invisible flames engulfing the door, holding something much more insidious inside. And I was walking right into it. Willingly.
If there needed to be proof that Reese had literally driven me insane, this moment would be it. I had gone clinically bat-shit.
"You sure you want to do this?" Eva asked beside me, shooting me a wary look, scrunching her nose. "I mean, really?"
I held my breath and nodded my head, eyebrows furrowed in determination. "Yes," I murmured, fists tight. "I- I have to."
There was only anguish lurking behind that blue-gray door, I knew all too well. War flashbacks flickered through my mind. We'd lost some good men in there.
The tanned girl cast me a look shining with sympathy, but then nodded her head, rose-red lips quirking up. "All right, well, I'm proud of you, Stells. You're really taking this seriously."
That much was true- I'd spent the entire night before tossing and turning, the decision burning in my mind and refusing me the grace of sleep. There was a very, very strong part of me that reasoned it was ridiculous- I'd grown, I swear I'd grown, I didn't need this anymore. But then my biting words tore through my memories, and it was harder to convince myself that it wasn't the right thing to do.
I had grown, enough to realize that I still wasn't ready to let this circle of hell go. Even if it was, in all, the worst.
Really, the worst.
"Actually you know what? I'm way overreacting, I don't need to do this, I'm fine! I'm fine, really!" I broke out into nervous, hysterical laughter, the reality of the situation dawning on me too quickly. Eva had narrowed her eyes in skepticism, but I waved her off. "Who needs that guy anyway?"
"Stella," she said, her tone threatening. "You just said you did. Don't walk away now."
I paused, feeling her burning, unrelenting stare. "But why not?" I whined, a pout pushing out my bottom lip.
She crossed her arms. "Weren't you the one that said that this was the first step to getting Reese to talk to you again?"
I paused. "Yes," I murmured, reluctantly.
"And so what are you going to do?"
"Go in there," I admitted with a sigh, the floor holding my guilty gaze. When I looked up, Eva was grinning at me, excitement dancing in her eyes. "What?" I asked, cautiously.
"I can't believe you're crushing on Reese," she squeaked, chewing on her knuckles, brown eyes sparkling. "Ah! I knew it! I knew that you guys were going to end up together! I have a sixth sense about these things, you know. I called it, I so called it. So fucking hard. It was the dimples, wasn't it? I told you they could cure cancer."
There was a moment of silence, and I felt my cheeks engulf in flames involuntarily. "... Maybe."
Her grin only widened.
It was so weird, the fact that thinking of Reese could cause these butterflies to erupt in my stomach, someone who I thought could only awaken my gag reflex was now awakening so much more. His words from Saturday night still echoed through the recesses of my mind, the smile in his tone too clear, and without the weight of my guilt, the feelings I had tried so hard to push down were exploding back up.
Don't get me wrong, I still wanted to punch him in the face.
But also, maybe, with my own face. Because that was nice thing before. And I would like to do that again.
Oh god, I was done for.
"First I need to get him to talk to me, though," I reasoned, teeth worrying my bottom lip. "And he doesn't look like he's going to make that easy."
Eva gestured towards the door. "Well then, I think you know what you need to do."
I heaved a sigh. "All right, fine, I'll do it."
Squaring my shoulders and mustering all the strength I had within me, I turned the doorknob and pushed in, sparing one last, longing glance at Eva. "If this is goodbye forever, know I love you, and that my dying wish is for you to kick Chris in the balls," I murmured, stretching out a hand as I disappeared through the doorway.
Inside was just as I remembered it, every inch of wall devoured by tacky, incredibly cliché motivational posters with penguins and lions and airplanes, the poignant touch of lemon in the air, the oak-brown desk littered with kitschy knick-knacks. Flashbacks from the year before poured in, of the hours I'd spent locked up in this room, every word painfully wrenched from my lips. I swallowed as I took a seat in the empty chair, meeting Mr. Ruth in the eye.
"Stella! What a surprise, what brings you here?" the old man asked, a smile touching his moustached mouth.
Behind his wire-framed glasses shone small, gray eyes that were framed with crow's feet, and the bald patch that parted his dark hair had grown since last I'd been in there. My eyes glanced from the bastard puppets that had been temporarily abandoned on the shelf, puppets I was much too familiar with, to the plaque that sat on his desk reading Guidance Counselor.
I fidgeted in my seat. "Yeah, uh, hi Mr. Ruth. This might be kind of weird but I was hoping, if it would be okay, could I start my first period sessions again?"
Mr. Ruth blinked up at me, eyes wide in shock, before a grin broke out across his face. "Of course! I was hoping you'd come back! You know I didn't think we were done before. We still have so much progress to make! I really think if you open up to it, we could make some pretty big changes."
I nodded, a soft smile somehow finding my face, despite the puppets dark, beady eyes staring me down. "It sounds crazy, but I know."
***
When I finally stepped from the office, breathing in deep the fresh hallway air with delight, I stretched, a distinct lightness in all of my muscles. A wild grin touched my face, and when a couple of freshman ambled by, they took one look and scurried on faster. That was the least of my problems though- I'd rather people fear me for being happily insane than for almost tearing their limbs apart.
Usually when I escaped from Mr. Ruth's at lightning speed it was with a deep-set frown and a broken pride, but things were different when I wasn't forced to go there against my will. I was finally open to the idea of progress. That I didn't have to be so angry, and I didn't have to go through it alone.
This bounce in my step continued down the hall, only further spurred when I glanced down to my phone to see Tyler's number flash across the screen, along with a few digits and Reese's name. Phase One was already in motion.
When Reese had turned his back before, it felt as if I'd been sucker punched in the stomach, but on Saturday it only left me with a blazing determination. The challenge in his eyes burned in my memory, and I grinned.
This time, really, fuck Reese. I was going to win.
And maybe or not maybe, in both senses of the word.
I passed by my locker, stocking up my backpack with ammo until it was difficult to zip up, and then skipped my way over to the other side of the school. Recruiting Tyler and Wyatt ended up being a good idea as I slid up to Reese's locker and began tinkering with the lock. A satisfied grin lit up my face as it clicked open.
After I'd laid my trap, I slammed the locker shut with a pleased hum and dusted my hands together. Despite the fact that I hadn't buried myself under the covers until after midnight the night before, excitement was vibrating underneath my skin, my eyes wide and awake.
Sometime or another, I started to miss that face.
With a grin still stretched wide across my mouth, I snuck over to the end of the hall, pulled out my phone, and waited. First period would be ending soon, and I'd already given up on going to any classes that day- there was no way that Reese wouldn't be talking to me by the end of the day, and I didn't need any distractions.
The familiar bell echoed through the halls, and a rush of students poured out from the doorways, a new hum of voices breaking the silence I had been simmering in. As Reese's face crossed my mind, I peered down the hallway with a thrilling grin.
As expected, Reese was meandering his way through the crowd, a bored look on his face, a sucker-stick dangling between his lips and his hands tucked into his pockets. As he came into view, I felt my heart flip with excitement, those irritating butterfly wings brushing up against my ribcage.
The more aware of my own feelings I became, the more I wanted to punch myself in the face. It was disgusting.
But really, I never said he didn't have a pretty okay looking face.
Bouncing on my feet, barely containing my excitement, I watched with bated breath as he began toying with his lock. When he swung the locker open, he paused, then took a step back as a stray muffin dropped and rolled down the hall.
Inside I had carefully manufactured a looming tower of muffin, which I had slaved baking in the kitchen the night before. The smell of chocolate had seeped into my skin, and the aroma of baked good seemed to haunt me everywhere I went now.
Reese turned his head from side to side, eyes searching the crowed, and then scoffed. "If you think that this is going to work, you're wrong. You're going to have to try harder than that," he called out to no one in particular, garnering some strange looks from students walking by, before reaching inside for a muffin. "Also, if you're trying to fatten me up, I'll have you know that fat Reese would still be hot as fuck, so jokes on you!"
I snorted into my palm, rolling my eyes.
He slammed his locker shut, chuckled to himself, and then sunk his teeth into the chocolate chip pastry before disappearing down the hall. I couldn't wipe the grin off my face.
Time for Phase Two.
This time, Wyatt again was my wingman of choice. As I turned the corner, I found his familiar blonde head of hair with his back pressed against my locker, hands stuffed in his pockets, earbuds in. When I called his name, his frost-blue gaze lifted and a devilish grin spread across his face.
"You ready?" I asked, arching a brow.
Wyatt grinned, spreading his arms. "Stella, I was born ready."
"And you're fully willing to accept the consequences? That I'm sure will be pretty severe?"
As I continued to walk by him, Wyatt lifted himself off of the locker and swung an arm around my shoulders, falling into step with me. "It's like you think I'm not all about disrupting the peace and spawning chaos in the world."
I snorted. "Why do you think you were the first person I asked about this?"
"Because I'm obviously the best looking," Wyatt said cheekily, smirking.
Phase One was weak, I knew. From the beginning it was clear that another mountain of muffins wouldn't impress Reese, but that was all part of the plan. Lull him into a false sense of security. Make him believe that all I had was more muffins. Get him feeble and unsuspecting.
Then pounce, and apologize the pants off him.
And since I'd already set up my weekly meetings with Mr. Ruth, there was no punishment that could come close to those horrors.
"And you're sure you know how to work all of this? I just have to go in there and start, you know, talking?" I asked, the nerves beginning to crawl up my spine. "You're sure?"
Wyatt dismissed my worries with a wave of his hand, rolling his eyes. "Trust me, I know exactly what I'm doing. You're in good hands here, Sandavol. Just trust in the master."
I eyed the boy warily, but drew a deep breath and swallowed my fears with determination. If this is what it would take to get Reese to talk to me, then getting suspended was worth it.
We both crept down the hallways silently, hovering close to the walls and peering around every corner. It all felt very spy-movie, and somewhere along the way I found myself humming the Mission Impossible theme song. When Wyatt noticed, I paused, realizing what I had done, before a grin broke out across his face and he started humming along with me.
If anything, Wyatt wasn't a half-bad partner in crime. If the sinful path was the one I was destined to go down, I could always bring him along for entertainment value.
When we finally arrived at the office, I sucked in a deep breath, settling my anxiety, and nodded in Wyatt's direction. He returned the nod, shoved a thumbs up my way, and strolled in through the doors.
"Gladys! It's been so long! For a second I was like, who's the hot new twenty-year old secretary? Did you do something different with your hair?" Wyatt leaned against the counter, purposefully blocking off the view as he threw the middle aged woman a charming smile.
The aging lady giggled, more akin to a school girl than a secretary, and I could hear her fidget in her seat. "Oh stop, you. I did get highlights, though. Thanks for noticing!"
Barely stifling a chuckle, I saw Wyatt's hand gesture towards the back room and I swallowed up the perfect opportunity he had bestowed on me. The blond boy hadn't been lying when he said that he had the secretaries in the palm of his hand.
With my nerves igniting underneath my skin and my muscles vibrating with anticipation, I slowly crept up to the principal's office and peered inside. Just as Wyatt had foretold, the principal had taken an early lunch, and the room was left unguarded. When I slowly turned the knob, the door swung open without any resistance.
Chewing my bottom lip, I stepped inside, eyes wide and surveying the room. It wasn't an unfamiliar one, but it had been months since I'd been forced between these four walls. Today was just drenched in nostalgia.
My eyes shifted to the video camera posed in the corner of the room, pointed at the desk where Mr. Sullivan made the announcements every morning, hooked up to every television in ever classroom.
Including Reese's.
I fidgeted in the corner of the room, peeking out of the blinds and playing with the pens strewn across the desk, impatiently waiting for Wyatt to give me the okay. Just as I was feeling the plant on his desk, which was totally fake as I suspected, the doorknob began to turn. My body froze, and my heart leapt into my throat.
Oh no.
Just as I was about the dive under the desk, Wyatt poked his head in and grinned. "All set?"
"Christ," I breathed out, slapping a hand across my chest. "Give a girl a warning before you do that."
Wyatt pushed the door open and sauntered in, chuckling as he made his way over to the tripod, muffin in hand. I watched with curiosity as he tinkered with the buttons, seemingly all to familiar the mechanics of it. "You know what you're doing?" I asked.
"Just speak into the camera, I'll give you a knock when it's ready to go. Lock yourself in, just in case. You ready?" He turned to me with an impish spark in his light eyes.
"Ready as I'll ever be," I admitted, unable to keep the smile off my face as I reached out a hand. "Muffin me."
Wyatt barked out a laugh and handed over the chocolate chip muffin, that cheeky grin never faltering. "You are definitely my favourite out of all the girlfriends Reese's had."
I pinched my brows. "But we're not- we're not dating."
Wyatt turned, waving me off again. "If he doesn't date you, then I will."
Snorting, I rolled my eyes, and watched as he shut the door behind him and left me once again, standing in the room alone, left to marinate in my nerves. I had been so confident that it was all going to work- it had to work, but now that I was left with the defining moment looming over me, my conviction was beginning to wilt.
I wanted Reese to forgive me, that much was true. And I figured that much I could probably do. I could mend our weird friendship back together, it was the fact that I didn't know if I'd be satisifed with just that anymore. It still felt like his alcohol-infused lips were lingering on my own since that night. But other than that, he'd never even hinted that he liked me as anything other than someone to annoy in his spare time, a source of entertainment, not really the fairy-tale romance option.
But that was a problem for after he'd begun talking to me again.
A knock echoed through the stillness of the room, and I shifted my gaze to the red light staring back at me from the camera. Nodding my head, I stared into the camera lens.
"Um, hello! You probably don't know me- I'm Stella, Stella Sandavol. Sorry to disrupt class or whatever, it's like five minutes until lunch so really, you probably don't care. I don't think you'd care either way. Sorry teachers, really. Kind of. Unless it's physics, and then you're welcome."
I blinked. My eyes shifted towards the door, where I knew that teachers were going to start barging in any moment.
"Right- not the point! Point is, I, Stella Sandavol, have interrupted you today to tell you that I am, well, I'm a jerk. Like, a big jerk. An enormous jerk. The jerkiest of all the jerks to have ever jerked, that's me. And I know most if not all of you don't care, like, at all, but I- I have to do this, because I have done some pretty terrible things, and so need to publically humiliate myself in redemption or whatever."
I sucked in a deep breath, already preparing myself for the mentally exhausting acrobatics the next words were going to be. But it had to be done.
"Reese Powers, in the historic words of Player: Baby come back, any kind of fool can see, there was something in everything about you. Baby come back, you can blame it all on me, I was wrong, and I just can't live without you."
I felt the heat of mortification creep up my neck, but held my stare with the camera. Oh, he better forgive me after this.
A barrage of knocking then sounded against the door, along with Mr. Sullivan's distressing cries to open the door immediately, Ms. Sandavol! I jumped in my spot, lungs collapsing momentarily from the fright, but then forced my eyes back to the camera with a sheepish grin.
"Right!" I continued, a little shakily, eyes continuously darting towards the door where it sounded like Mr. Sullivan was doing is best to break it down. "So, uh, looks like I'm being cut off! So Reese, if you forgive me, meet me where you first offered me your peace muffin. If you don't, well, I might be locked up for a while because of this anyway, so, uh-"
"Stop this right now!" Mr. Sullivan demanded as the door swung up, revealing the portly red-faced man that was the principal. His breath was short, coming in quick gasps as he stared me down with wild, beady eyes.
I gulped. "Gotta run!"
The principal lunged towards me, but I just darted in the opposite direction, the desk coming in between us. Just as I was about to make a quick getaway for the door, Mr. Sullivan turned his heel and came towards me, blocking my path.
I darted just a quick away, both of us hovering on either side of the desk, stuck at a stalemate. I could see Wyatt outside the open door, gesturing for me to get out of there wildly, and I swallowed.
If I couldn't go right, and I couldn't go left, I just had to go straight.
Without too much thought, I swiped all the pens and papers off the desk in one single motion and clambered on top of the wood, unsteady for a moment. I saw Mr. Sullivan stutter, eyes growing to the size of saucers and face turning a dangerous purple colour as I shot him a guilty grin. Taking advantage of his surprise, I dove forward, my exit wide open. As I passed by him, feeling a little cheeky, I stuffed the muffin into his gaping mouth. I figured, I really couldn't get in more trouble, and a laugh escaped my lips as the portly man stumbled backward with a disgruntled cry.
Grinning, I saluted him out the door. "Sorry!"
Wyatt was breaking down into laughter when I grabbed his wrist and pulled him out of the office with me, sprinting towards safety. I could hear them curse us from behind, but I kept my eyes forward, vigour pumping through my veins and causing an exhilarated grin to break out across my face.
"That went so perfect!" Wyatt cheered, his free fist in the air, still laughing.
I looked over, catching his eye. "Guess we won't know how perfect it is until we see if Reese shows up."
Still, my lungs felt sparks of adrenaline as we turned a corner where the doors to the outside were. So much for the beginning of the year when all I wanted to do was keep a low profile.
People were beginning to spill out of the doors for lunch, and I could feel their scrutinizing eyes bore into me, a couple of them murmuring to their friends, following after me. I couldn't pay that much attention, my focus on getting outside and away from any authority figures as quick as possible.
Finally, we burst through the doors, the cold November air nipping at my skin to welcome me outside. I felt a chill spark down my spine, with only a sweater to shelter me from the cool temperatures of the oncoming winter. Still, my cheeks were burning so hot, I barely felt it.
My breath coming a little shorter, I finally slowed down my pace, to where Reese and I had met months before, seemingly a lifetime ago. Nostalgia was flush on my face, sweet on my tongue as I gasped for breath, the grin on my face never wavering.
There was already a collection of people waiting, people I assumed that had followed Reese outside drunk on their curiosity, hoping to satisfy their sweets spots. I felt my nerves begin to ignite once again, with so many eyes trained on me, calculating my every breath.
Just as I saw a familiar head of light brown hair, back turned, winding me immediately, I ran into someone's shoulder. Pausing, I turned back, lips ready to mumble an apology when I looked up to see the wall of a human being that was Warren. The jackass from Britta's party, who had been intent on interrupting Reese and I's getaway, who Reese had been shitting his pants over.
Warren's face was sour, heavy set brow accentuating the dark glare he had directed at me. "Hey, watch the fuck where you're going, spaz."
I paused mid-step, mouth falling open as I took a moment to makes sense of his words, brows pinching in confusion. "I'm- what? Sorry?"
"Did I stutter?"
Turning, the frown weighed deeper on my mouth, a palm coming to spread across my chest. I felt an old flame begin to dwindle in the pit of my stomach, but I swallowed it down. "Right- I thought that's what you said. I was given you the opportunity to not be a dick, and take it back. You know. You should take that."
His wide chest was eye-level to me, and he loomed over my figure with all the intimidation of a slab of enormous meat. "What the fuck are you going to do about it? Throw a chair at me like you did Peter Roth?" A smirk dug into his cheek.
I threw my arms up in the arm. "Oh come on! That was forever ago! Like a year ago! He was asking stupid questions! Everyone's gotten over it by now!"
"I haven't."
"Oh shut the fuck up, Peter. No one asked you," I snapped, glaring daggers at the weak-willed boy who immediately retreated further into the crowd after his comment. "Anyways, whatever, that's not the point. Let's move on. I'm willing to let you apologize." I crossed my arms over my chest. "So apologize."
Warren furrowed his brows, head shooting back. "Apologize for what? You're the bitch that ran into me."
I blinked again, still entirely confounded, biting back the river of curses that were beginning to crawl up my throat, instead plastering on a saccharine smile. "Right, all right, well, here's the thing. You might be bigger than me, but trust me, Warren, I will not hesitate to rip off your face chimpanzee-style, okay? Because I will. And I will enjoy it, so very much. I'm just trying this new thing where I don't punch people in the face, and you're kind of ruining it for me, so please, go away."
Drawing in a deep breath, I settled the threatening anger bubbling up inside, and grinned.
Warren glared, face erupting into that of a tomato colour, a frown punctuated on his face. "You fucking bit-"
"Hey Warren."
The boy paused, directing his heavy-set glare behind him, where Reese was standing, all pearly teeth and cheeky dimples, grinning.
"Fuck you."
And then Reese punched him in the face.
***
THE PENULTIMATE CHAPTER. and the longest chapter i have ever written christ. that's why it was late. also because of reasons apparent in once upon a bathroom stall. which if you haven't read- what are you doing plz read.
anyways, i hope you guys liked this chapter! i knew that i needed it to end kind of crazy, considering everything that happened, so voila. i'm suuuuper excited for the next chapter and i know you guys will love it. that and the epilogue will be coming this weekend~
also, question since we've come so close to the end- why do all of you call him reece? ahaha reese chocolate is spelt with an s!
BUT ALSO TELL ME HOW YOU FELT ABOUT THE END OF THIS CHAPTER. BECAUSE. REASONS. :D