Advice Not Taken
Delilah Thomas
.......
"So you really don't care about my-my condition?" I asked, ashamed that I even had to refer to myself as a living condition.
"Ta' be honest wit'cha, I'm just as fucked up as you. So I can't judge you when I'm sittin' in the same boat, juss' on a different level." He shrugged twisting his lip to the side.
At that moment I wanted to take away his sorrow, all of it, and add it to mine. I didn't care about those nights that I wanted to die or take my own life away— all I wanted was to take away the pain that was making a home inside of him. The way he could talk so effortlessly about his hurt, and not show a lick of emotion scared me. No one should be able to speak of such heartache and not feel the need to cry or grow angry. Hell, I kept a smile on my face, because it was the only way tears wouldn't stream down my face. Always forcing myself to show an emotion that I was nowhere close to feeling, an emotion that my heart had become foreign to.
But him. He had become so accustomed to the feeling of dreadfulness that not only could he speak of it as if it was regular conversation, but he hid that look of sadness so well behind his anger that you'll never know how he really feels.
We are two souls alike though, so I know the truth.
"So I have a question for you."
"Shoot." He mumbled throwing a weathered rock into the water.
I was nervous to ask, yet, the question sitting at my lips had to have an answer. It's been eating at me since the moment I laid eyes on him.
"Do you-Do you cry sometimes?"
"Nope." He answered, but of course I could see right through him.
He probably cried every night just as I did and threw a fit every morning when the sun's morning rays hit his eyes, simply because— his wish was to not be here to see the next day.
"You don't have to lie to me anymore, I told you, I see all of your pain. It's identical to mine." I smiled.
"Aye man, look, we cool and all but youn' know shit about me and I'm tie'd of sayin' dat' shit. So keep dat' sentimental poetic shit ova' thea'."
"I was just asking a question." I mumbled lowly.
"And I was juss' tellin' you ta' shut da' fuck up." He replied in my same mumbling tone.
After that small exchange silence soon fell between us, which is a bad thing because my head starts to fill up with the same evilness that I try to escape. Us just sitting here wasn't going to cut it for me. I hadn't taken my medicine and it was going to show if we continued on like this in silence.
So I decided to speak, but not just anything — I decided to speak the truth, the truth about us.
"You hurt." I told him without taking my eyes away from the water.
"Didn't I juss' say-,"
"You don't like getting into your problems, because then you'll be faced with the act of dealing with them. Every microscopic piece of agony you try to hide it away from the world, and convince your mind that it's in complete desolation— but let's face it, that's where it dwindles in the most, right in that beautiful mind of yours. You think not talking about it, will make all of it just disappear-',
"Shut up."
"But no, it doesn't. It only makes you grow more and more flustered with those tormenting thoughts."
"Shut up Delilah."
"Standing up to the scars that linger far beyond the surface of your heart is something you'll never plan to do— it would be to painful to do that. The skeletons in your closet can no longer be contained, you have too many, but you act as if you're blind to your ongoing problem— even though you're literally walking on skulls."
"Shut da' fuck up!" He yelled getting in my face." You don't know shit bruh, you think juss' cause you got lil school girl issues dat' you juss' automatically know how real pain feel?! Bitch please! You thank you know how hard life really is, huh?! Nawl, you don't! So shut dat' shit up, until you actually go through some real life emotional shit don't speak on shit ova' hea'! Cause right nah' you soundin' like a dumb ass bitch cuz!"
Not giving me a chance to respond, or even giving my tears a chance to cascade from my eyes, he got up grabbed his bag and walked towards the secret path, not once looking back at me.
Little did he know that those 'school girl' problems were just the icing on top of the cake. Just like I don't know him, he doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does. Sad to say, but school is actually the second calming place I have to go other than here.
Because as soon as I step foot into my home, my world is nothing but shambles, but I play it off so well that you would never know what goes on behind close doors. The horrors that this dark eyed child had to face for the sake of another's happiness and another's pleasure.
I was too ashamed to express those unforgettable moments to another soul that wasn't like mine, I couldn't allow someone that didn't have a broken spirit into my life, because they would only judge me.
That's why I have to keep Austin in my life because I know that pain. I get it. That's the pain that finds comfort when you've found weakness, it likes to see you down and falling with nothing to grasp on to. Keeping you insane, knowing you've been searching your mind tirelessly for a single piece of sanity— it's the worse type of pain there is, and it has a meaningless purpose. The only reason it's there is because it doesn't want to be lonely. Pain enjoys misery, so that's what you become— the definition of misery. Silly me though, I found someone that understood how it felt to have such an evil inside of you, but from the looks of it, I think I just lost him.
Dammit!
I didn't even have him long.
°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°
Delilah Thomas
.........
Two Days Later
I sat back in my leather rolling chair raking my eyes over this beauty infront of me. I couldn't believe the words that just left her mouth only moments ago
'I'm not pretty', the sentence replayed in my mind. she spoke them so fluently, like it was something her mind was programmed to say on a daily basis.
I remember years ago those were the only words I could put together to describe myself— even now I still have set backs where I think I'm still not where I need to be-to be considered beautiful. I recall having to look in a mirror and coach myself not to make eye contact with the other kids because if I did they would cast me with their mean insults and hurtful blows to my already frail body. Cruel bastards always fucked with me.
I still kept my smile though....this fake smile of mine got me through it all, huh?
"Why don't you think you're pretty?"
"Because my skin isn't bright, my-my hair is this big stupid fluff ball and the girls are always telling me mean things." Jada replied quietly.
Jada was one of my regulars here at my job at Save A Life Foundation. We mainly worked to help troubled, not troubled, but misguided lost children get back on track. Her mother thought that counseling would be a good way for her to open up, and in a way it was— but it's also forcing her to deal with a lot of her personal buried dirty laundry that she hates to get into. And in top of that she's entered the hell I call 'highschool'.
So many stereotypes are flying around about how our young black girls should be that it's truly saddening.
Apparently we have to be red in skin tone and have the silky 'good hair' to be attractive. Or we can have the nice brown skin, sure— but we better have the assets in the front and back to match that skin color. When in actuality our melanin is what makes us beautiful, if you have a bit more than others then sweetheart you should view yourself as privileged. We believe that the darker we are the more people will view us as unattractive.
But the blacker the berry the sweeter the juice...
So many girls look at their wildly flowing kinks as curses and instantly slap chemicals onto them to get that 'good hair' look, when they already had the perfect hair.
Looking at Jada she is so disgusted with herself that it kills her to be in her own skin. She cries looking into the mirror and being faced with a dark skinned kinky haired girl . Honestly, she reminds me of myself— lonely, scared, insecure. Going through life and not being accepted by others, but worst of all not being accepted by herself.
But I suppose that, that is why I'm here, to show her that beauty is spewing from her like water gushing down an everlasting waterfall that has no end.
"Hey J, do you know who you remind me of?" I questioned setting my notebook and pen to the side of my desk.
"Yeah um, the little girl that you were friends with when you were little." She answered remembering the story that I would often tell her when she felt down about herself. I always told her stories when my younger self came to mind.
"Yes, and do you remember all the stories that I told you about that little girl?"
She slowly nodded her head as her eyes drifted off to the left,"Yeah?"
"Well what if I told you that little girl was actually me."
Her eyes seem to have taken on a life of their own the way they were coming out of her head. She gawked at me for a few moments before she vigorously shook her head.
"No, no way! You're to-too, too perfect to go through something like that! I call bs." She sat back crossing her arms over her chest.
"See that's the thing sweetheart, if there is potential seen in you then that alone is threatening to other girls that are insecure about themselves. They see you as a threat because they got a glimpse at the beauty in you that you never got a chance to see because they tear you down so you wouldn't rise against them."
"All those stories, they were about you." She gasped lowly to herself.
"When I was younger, I was always treated badly because of my looks and my love of helping people. I was bullied everyday for no reason—apparently I wasn't suppose to have a great personality with my skin tone and looks. Apparently, when I seem someone hurting or in need of a shoulder to cry on, I was just suppose to walk away and not care." I smiled at her.
"But that just wasn't me Jada, I couldn't walk away. Helping people smile and laugh made me happy. I couldn't watch others feel pitiful, knowing that if they just got an ounce of that pain off of their chest, that-that would make them feel an ounce better than they did before. I only wanted to help everyone, you know? Make a difference."
"And they criticized and belittled you." She said.
"Made you feel like you are nothing."
"And no matter how hard you tried to get past it, the shit still get to you, because you did nothing wrong! You did nothing to deserve the shit they do to you!"
"And it hurts,"I continued our little break through," You feel like maybe this world just isn't ready for a kind spirit like you and I, maybe we should go somewhere more deserving of our kindness."
"Like heaven."
I looked at her, then to her wrist that had finally healed from the cuts she had placed there herself.
The scar was darker than the rest of her skin, it was actually jet black in comparison. I then found myself looking at my own scars and how many times I had tried to stop myself, but failed miserably. I had it way worse than Jada, way worse, but I understand her hurt and her aggressiveness about the subject.
She wasn't necessarily upset, but frustrated. She didn't understand why she was treated so inhumanly cruel. But that's the way people work sometimes. They feed off others insecurities and find joy in making them feel shittier than they already do.
"Is that why you did that,"I referred to her scar,"To get to heaven?"
"I wanted to go somewhere that I was appreciated, somewhere that I would be accepted."
"But God put you here for a reason-,"
"But-,"
"And even though you're blind to that reason now, you have to understand that you. Are. Special. You have a purpose that has been set for you and only you, and even though you have a few obstacles that get in the way and kick you when you're down, you can't just lie there and take it like I did. There is never a straight line to success so think of your situation as a learning experience, as an experience to take with you and grow from. I know it's hard now, but J never take away the beautiful life that God gave to you— you're too beautiful for that, why choose your own short destiny, when God already has a great plan laid out for you?"
I got up from my seat and walked around my desk engulfing her in a hug and wiping her tears away.
"Thank you." She mumbled in my arms.
"You are always welcome my Hershey kisses."
She sucked her teeth and playfully pushed me away from her,"Always giving me some crazy nickname B."
"What,"I gasped pretending to be shocked,"I like that one though. I thought it was a pretty nice fit."
"Yeah, no, not working for me." She smiled.
I smiled as well, happy that I could make her happy.
In this world and this society, things are so unpredictable. It's hard enough trying to survive, but that mission gets even more impossible when you have people that are breaking you down when you haven't even started the journey to build yourself up. So many lives have been ruined due to others who have a lack of compassion for others situations— a lack of understanding for what a person may go through when they walk through the doors of their torn down home.
You see, everyone needs an escape, because not everyone has that beautiful happy living style with both parents and a sibling or two to confine in. Some of us struggle to wake up in the morning because we don't know if we are going to be faced with more demons or the same ones that lingered outside of our doors from when we sent to sleep. Life is basically a set of for hardships and failure— but even though that is the case, we still need somewhere to go, when life is showing us no mercy. When your heart just can't take anymore pain, because it's overflowing with an entire sea of it.
"Well I think that's our time, huh?" I asked with a small pout on my face.
"Yeah, but don't worry I'll be back before you know it."She smiled again,"But um, thanks for listening Miss. D, it means a lot."
"Always and forever sweet thang, no need to thank me."
"Okay I'm out, because I just can't with you,"She chuckled standing up and making her way towards the door,"See ya' later Mrs. D, love ya'."
I smiled inwardly and let let out a small sigh,"I love you too J."
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
At Delilah and Damon's Home
7
: 00 p.m.
"Damon, can you please get in here!"
"Here I come, give me a sec!" He yelled back.
I was in the kitchen cooking a nice Alfredo dinner, while Damon went to the basement getting us some wine from our assorted chambers. We had a pretty nice collection if I do say so myself.
"What's up baby?" He strolled into the kitchen kissing my neck and setting the whine on the counter.
"Nothing, I just wanted to see my baby's ugly face." I smiled playfully wrinkling my nose at him.
Wiping away his nonexistent tears he pouted and turned his attention away from me,"You always talking about me man, what did I do to deserve this?"
A whole actor is what he is...
"I'm sorry baby, you wanna kiss?" I teased stirring up the pasta and mixing in the delicious white paste that I made from scratch. I actually learned heis to cook from spending so much time with Austin.
He has always loved and lived for art— all types of art. Cooking, painting, fashion, just everything. Art was his first escape, it was his shoulder to lean upon when his heart got to heavy and he needed to take a break from everything that blew around him. His outlet that he plugged himself into and traveled to another world to become someone so different and superior than he already was. He surpassed the level of any other artist simply because he was real, everything he crafted or designed had a story behind it. He wasn't some boogie painter or fat ass chef, he was a real ass nigga that told it how it was— amazing thing is the fact that he found a way to do that through his creations.
I never had talent such as his, he always told me I did, but I just didn't see what he seen. His talent was raw— it was the truth. He had pieces that sugar-coated nothing, just like him. He captured the world in his own point of view and made it his own. A true masterpiece.
"Delilah!"
Snapping my head to the other side of the counter I looked into Damon's confused laced face. I guess I was in my own world for a bit.
I kept my focus on him when he made his way around the counter and hopped on top of it as I resumed chopping some asperges on the chopping board.
"Yes baby?"
"You alright sweetie? I've been calling you for the longest."
"Oh yeah, I'm fine,"I waved him off,"You know me, always daydreaming about something."
"Like what though, you always do that to me, what keeps your mind so captivated?" He smiled pulling me between his legs.
I debated on whether or not I should tell him of the demons that held shack inside of my head and body, the ones that make me get up in the morning and cover the tally mark slits on my wrist with makeup. Those demons that taunted my being everyday I opened my eyes to see a beautiful sunrise, but be surrounded by a dark atmosphere due to the images that would swarm my head like a psychotic tornado ripping through a small town.
He should have known about this a long time ago, and that's my fault, but it not like this is something you can just up and tell someone. It's easy when it's someone like you. The only reason it came out so naturally when I told Austin was because he had the same look of despair in his eyes that I did in mine. We both knew that emotion all too well and we lived with it for years, and continue to live with it. We are one. Well we were one.
"Nothing really, just daydreaming, you know?"
Just trying to keep from going on a killing spree, you know? The usually.
"I love that big head of yours, it's full of so many amazing things that I just want to know. All these years and I still don't know all of you."
"It's not that amazing, it's just as normal as yours."
"No, it's something in there, something that intrigues me. You don't see it, but I do."
"What do you mean by that?"
"It's just something in your eyes that really makes me wonder what's there."
Demons beyond comparison...
"Nothing really." I shrugged.
He stood there for a moment looking at me and smiled before his lips came in contact with my forehead.
"I love you Delilah."
"I love you too Damon." I smiled.
"So when is your friend coming over."
"Um,"I checked my watch,"Any minute now actually, he says he had to handle some business and he'll be right over."
"Some business?"
"What type of business?"
"I don't know, maybe something with Kendrick."
"I mean, are you sure?" He asked me again.
"Yes." I answered slightly agrivated, because I knew what he was trying to imply.
"Delilah-," He started but I finished.
"Damon he's not in that line of work anymore and I would appreciate it if you didn't bring that up when he gets here. Matter fact don't bring it up at all."
"Lilah you haven't seen him for years, how do you know what he's been up to, he could be lie-"
"Because I know Austin,"I clarified, moving back to the cutting board and continuing my previous task,"No matter the distance, and no matter the time— I know him if no one else does, he wouldn't lie to me. If he says he's out of that lifestyle then I trust him enough to believe it."
Damon starred at me for an entirnity before he simply smiled and kissed my cheek and looked me over with unreadable eyes.
"De-,"
"Just drop it."
His slightly ajar mouth shut completely after I said that. He slowly slid off of the counter and stood beside me with his hands resting on the counter top a few inches away from where I was.
"I was just looking out for you, that's all,"He sighed looking down,"I'm um, I'll go freshen up and set the table before he gets here."
And in an instant I go from being pissed to feeling like complete shit.
"Damon-,"
"Dangit I got the wrong wine." He spoke picking up the wine that sat on the isle.
I sat the knife down and let out a soft sigh,"Damon."
"Delilah, I'm fine okay, just finish cooking and I'll keep a watch out for Austin."
He didn't even give me a chance to respond to him before he was out of sight.
I let out a frustrated breath that had been captivated in my lungs as I turned back to the pot on the stove.
This is going to be an interesting night
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Ok chapter ten is all done, did you like?
Man, I'm so excited for this darn book!
Excuse all mistakes!
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MeMe loves y'all
Xoxoxo
Just a real nigga commin' through…👑❤