December 1999 :
Troy -
Two days after concluding a meeting with Sony, mainly the executives Marliss dealt with directly, I found myself in a studio. Looking around the spacious booth, and down at the lyric sheets I'd brought in with me, I shook my head... wondering how I'd let him talk me into this. How I'd managed to talk myself into it.
I guess it was true that I missed singing, though I still didn't miss a thing about Fly Girl, Ava or Leann. But until recently, it had been the furthest thing from my mind. With my MS symptoms coming and going as they pleased, completely wrecking my nerves and body most times; all I wanted was a lengthy period of time to be and feel normal.
Of course, Marliss noting and bringing to mind that even through my hardest times, there was literally no moment that had passed when I wasn't singing, writing, or talking about music and the industry in some form or fashion.
I suppose, I missed performing most. When I sat and thought about it for long periods; I missed just getting on a stage and dancing, belting out songs by my idols and connecting with the fans. And of course, along with the letters of well wishes and prayers came the regular fan letters, asking when I was going to return. I replied to as many as I could, but of course, I could never shake the feeling that I owed my personal fans a lot more than what I'd been willing to give.
Hell, I'd even gotten tired of having to go and play old soundtrack singles and duets between myself and Marliss.
"Are you doing two songs, or do I seriously have to settle for one?" I looked at Marliss as he sat behind the mixing console, wondering if he had a real attitude. "I mean, I get to produce the first official Troy Mercier track; I just wanna know if I get to really go all in with this."
"How many did I tell you at the meeting?"
"Sony suggested a five single EP, I let them know that would never happen and you said at least three. However, I'm saying two because I don't feel like chasing or fighting you behind the third. I'd like our relationship to remain in a good place after this." Meaning, he's about to work every last nerve that hasn't been ravaged by my last episode. "Let me know what you want to do."
I shrugged my shoulders and grabbed the headphones that had been resting against the music stand. "I mean, I could do three. It's not like I have a real reason to object to it."
"What was that?"
I rolled my eyes, knowing in my heart and mind that he'd somehow managed to get that on tape. "I said that I will do three songs. Damn." He smirked, flashing those dimples, but for the first time since knowing him; they made him look so unattractive. "But listen; when I tell you that I'm not feeling something, or not feeling well in general, we have to stop. I know you like to push yourself and the artists you work with, but that can't be done with me. Not because I feel I'm special or anything, but-"
"I know, Baby. And I promise I will try not to get on your nerves."
"Don't make promises you know you'll break. Anyway, I'm doing the two covers. I got permission and rights for the other myself, over a year ago."
"Were you planning on this?"
I shook my head. "Nope. I actually wanted it for Fly Girl, but aside from Torii, no one else could handle the way it's sung, so..." Marliss nodded. "Anyway, the third song can be an original, written by me, and a..." I cleared my throat, and lowered my voice, praying he wouldn't hear me. "... a duet."
"With you and who?"
"You, dummy."
Rubbing his hands together, cackling as his smile widened, Marliss nodded. "Bet, and I got that on tape so no reneging." I know he's probably upset that I waited until a month after he completed his album to suggest the duet. "I wish I could stop the final mixing and add it to my album."
"Of course you do, and I won't go back on my word. Did you get the recording rights for the song I told you about the other day?"
"Yeah. Jimmy Jam and Ms. White both gave their blessings. What's going to be the song you actually release though?"
"That one. Thanks Boo, now let's get to work."
And that's just what we did. Every so often, I would stop myself; feeling out of place, as if I were messing up things that should have been second nature to me, whether I'd been recording frequently or not.
"I feel like you right now; I can't figure out what you believe you're doing wrong."
"Aside from fucking up notes. What you mean?"
Shrugging his shoulders, Marliss spoke in a dry and monotonous tone. "All you have to do is mimic the original artist's voice. It won't be hard for you to hit the notes then." He was exhausted, as was I, but what we were doing was not working out the way I wanted.
"I don't want to mimic hers. I spent the majority of my time in Fly Girl avoiding certain notes, or singing well below my actual vocal abilities to avoid comparisons."
"Shit, that's news to me. If that wasn't you giving a hundred percent, I'm scared to hear a hundred."
"Those vocals are a strong eighty-five point one, but that's beside the point."
"The point I'm trying to make is that Perfectionist Troy needs to chill. Where is One Take Troy."
"Somewhere in Fly Girl Hell." He rolled his eyes, but I was serious. I was notorious for one takes, when Chauncey wasn't producing or watching us record. However, that was because most producers and arrangers came in stating what they wanted... and if they got good enough or close to it, they were good. Most sessions, I was giving the bare minimum. This time, for my own thing, I want to give my all. "Look, I'm just tired of holding myself back, I guess. If I'm going to do this, I might as well go all in, right?"
"Why would you have ever held yourself back in the first place? That's what I'm not understanding. And that's what shocks me, what has always shocked me now that I think about it."
"You mean the differences between studio and live performances."
He nodded. "Yeah. Y'all vocals in studio and live are totally different, and it's what set y'all apart from other acts. Like, no one could ever say y'all were just studio singers."
I suppose, if anyone has to know this one secret, it may as well be him. "I held back because I was told to once or twice before, and after that it became natural to do so. Especially on the songs where I was in the background. You know, Ava saying people told her she was the weakest singer, that was never a lie. I never intentionally sung over anyone, however... I'm a baby Patti LaBelle when it comes to that. It's natural for me to sing louder. Or it used to be anyway. And to stretch my notes and do runs, and enunciate and sing like I'm in somebody's choir doing a solo. It used to be natural for me to show my full ability, sing in every octave, rather than just one or two before whistling every now and then."
"You've only ever hit those whistle type notes live though."
I nodded. "Because, doing so on the actual album might have overshadowed my co-lead or whoever was singing lead, if it wasn't me. I just avoided it altogether. Same with Torii anytime she said no to them wanting her to sing like Anita Baker. She can, and it's beautiful to listen to, but she avoids it. Mine and Torii's voices naturally ..." I paused, trying to think of the right way to word it without sounding full of myself. "...stand out over others. And because Leann is a rapper, and because Ava has a smaller voice and sings in soft tones and keys, with limited registers, it's obvious. To me, I never thought of it as them being bad. Ava CAN sing. Leann CAN sing when she wants to, they just aren't 'strong' in those areas and I was told to make it easier for them and their egos. So I did. Chauncey told me hold back. Brandy told me hold back, and eventually I just started doing it every session; even when I sung lead."
I shrugged, sighing. "Damn. So to you, what's NOT holding back?"
"If I can ever lay these vocals the way I want them to be, the way they're supposed to be, you'll see for yourself when you play it back."
"The longer we're together, the more I feel like I don't know anything about you, Troy."
"Shut up. You know what I want you to know."
He laughed. "And that's a problem. Wanna take a break from this song? Maybe because it leans towards Rock and Pop, it's just something you're not comfortable with."
"Oh, I'm more than comfortable. Shoot, if I had any type of ability to flow well, I'd try to do a hip-hop song too."
"Baby, please, no. Leave that to those who do it well."
"Oh, you mean anyone other than you?"
Marliss flipped me off and I laughed, blowing him a kiss before I put the headphones back on. "That's why nobody's going to take you and this Rock song serious."
"They don't have to. I'm doing this for ME. My opinion of it when it's finished is all that matters."
"Alright, fake ass Tina Turner."
I threw my head back, getting one last good laugh before he signaled that he was about to restart the track. "You bastard, this song is officially dedicated to you."
"A song called Ain't No Good. Girl, I'm good for you, your mind, and your body."
Looking away and down at my lyric sheet, I said nothing else, snickering to myself when he got a bit offended that I didn't agree with his sentiments. Instead, I dove straight into recording.
The following sessions we'd paid for went a bit smoother as I got back into my element. I'd looked for and found the confidence I'd begun to have in myself when I originally cut all things Fly Girl out of my life. I no longer had an image to worry about, I didn't have to consult with anyone else on what sounded good for ME, what looked good for ME, what might or might not work for ME. If I succeeded at whatever this was going to be, it was on me. If I failed at whatever this was going to be, it was on me. And I was okay with that.
There was no pressure to be anything or anyone other than myself. No pressure to sing what I knew I didn't want to sing. Though it was only three songs, none of these required a dance routine. That meant no long and grueling rehearsals; no one to pester or badger me about missing steps or sounding out of breath while singing and dancing at the same time.
I was on no one's time but my own. Didn't have to rush, didn't have to stress over messing up or ruining takes. There was no need to stress over spending or wasting extra money, no having to keep the idea of a video in the back of my mind. I was free to do and sing as I pleased.
Soft, rough, on-key, off-key, high, low. And for the first time in a long time, singing became fun again. It made me happy again. Torii and I had even linked up to do something for something she was working on in her free time.
After a session between her and I, I pulled her into a rehearsal hall we used often and asked her for her honest opinion.
"Before you start, is this the one you're putting out as a single?"
I shook my head, tying my jacket around my waist as I stood behind a microphone stand. "Nope. This is just something I did for fun. You know me well enough to know I love hip-hop..."
"And you love Rock. But not metal or anything heavy. You do be trippin' off that Psychedelic and Acid stuff though."
"Aye, some of that sounds good though!"
Torii turned her nose off, waving me off. "Ehh, I'll pass. Which is this?"
"Let Marliss tell it, and it leans towards Pop. And I guess since Taylor Dayne did Pop as well, it might very well be. But it's just Rock to me."
"Pleeeeaaaaaase tell me it's Love Will Lead You Back. Oh my God, you would kill that!"
"Nope."
She groaned and I laughed, admitting that it was an original choice of mine.
"Now Sis, I want you to be completely honest with me. Don't feel like you have to spare my feelings just because I'm your baby sister."
"Girl, bye, it ain't but eleven months between us. I wasn't about to spare anything."
"You trick." She smirked and I nodded towards the band I'd pulled together on short notice. A few old friends we'd worked with when we first began Fly Girl. Thankfully, I was still on good terms with a few people, following Chauncey's departure from our camp. He'd taken a good bit of people with him, and until now, I hadn't fully realized how many favors he'd called in to put things together for us. For that, alone, I was still thankful.
They began playing behind me, and I tapped my feet to the beat, nodding my head every so often until my cue to sing came up. Purposefully, I chose to sing in my natural tone, with very little emotion, allowing everything to build up line by line. And then, and only in the chorus would I belt, or 'scream' like most Rock singers would.
Looking behind me every so often, I could see the members of the band getting into it. Specifically, Ernie, one of the best guitarists I'd ever worked with and seen live. I most looked forward to his solo, especially if this would eventually become something I performed live. I chose not to look at my sister, however, every little glimpse, I could see her nodding her head.
Of course, that didn't mean she liked it. Just that she was paying attention, at the very most trying to get into it.
"So now you're playing out of sight, out of mind. You're gonna fall this time. Ain't no good for me, Baby; the way you treat me with your lies! Ain't no good for me, Baby; after all the tears we cried."
I continued until the very end, finally taking a deep breath when the very last note was played. I waited a few moments before asking Torii opinion, wanting her to think and formulate the most honest one possible.
"Alright, you know that I love music, however, I shy away from most Pop and Rock." I nodded. "And I have to admit that I cannot see you as a legit Rock star or singer." I nodded again, biting down on my bottom lip. "But I gotta admit Sis, that was pretty good. It only feels lackluster because I feel you need background singers of your own. And no, I don't mean me or those chicks."
"Oh, well duh to the background singers. I just wanted to test it out on someone. Marliss said I was crazy, even though he liked it after he stacked my vocals for the background on the track."
"You are crazy, and I gotta say I'm glad that's not going to be the single, 'cause the press might just eat you alive. Especially if you come saying THAT'S why you're not thinking about Fly Girl. BUT, it was good and fun to see you cutting loose like that. What little hair you got, swinging it like you've still got enough to hit yourself in the face."
I laughed, leaning against the microphone stand. "Whatever."
"I just feel like they won't accept that from you. I would, Marliss would, and so would Brandy and a few fans. But not everyone."
"Well, good thing I didn't do it for acceptance. I think you'd like the studio version though."
She nodded her head in agreement, standing up to stretch a few moments later. "I don't doubt it. Anyway, before I go, I did come to ask you for a tiny favor."
"How tiny?"
She smirked, and I knew it was actually something major. Something that might pull me out of my self-imposed semi-exile. "Appear on a soundtrack with me."
"You and who?"
"Ugh, you and Marliss get on my nerves with that. You and who." I smiled, realizing I had picked up the habit of asking that from him after he initially got on my nerves saying it. "Just me and you. Look, I'm like you; I'm not trying to give nobody a full album. However, we do owe a couple people at least one song with the two of us together. And, it's for an independent film, so it's not like major labels and the whole world will pick up on it. We don't have to do a video. Shit, you could really mimic someone else's voice if you want to. We could record and release it under our pennames if that will make it easier for you."
"What's the song?"
"Want Ads."
"Well..." Torii instantly got giddy, running over to pull me into a hug, a gentle one of course. "I guess since I love that song, and I do want to do something with my big sister, and Daddy would love it..."
"Because Mom used to walk around the house singing it all day long. That's why I fought for it. So it's a yes?"
"Yeah, but under the condition that you use my penname. Torii Mercier featuring..." She nodded, knowing the rest.
"Great! I'll set up that session and call you when it's time."
"Think you can make it before I go back to Tennessee? I'm going back on bed rest after all of this." I groaned, just thinking about it as my sister nodded. We hugged briefly before she left and I went back to rehearsing, opting to test out the song I would be releasing as a single.