Torii –
I yawned and plopped down on the couch next to Daddy, beyond excited to have him visiting. Though I knew and understood why my sister chose to go back to Tennessee to hide out for a while, I had to admit that I felt a little jealous that she had Daddy, Crystal, and the twins to herself more often than I did.
I'd just finished giving him a tour of mine and Raymond's new home, and now we were finally getting a real chance to catch up for longer than a few minutes.
"I am definitely in love with this house, and all the space that you two have. Shoot, as much as y'all work, I'm surprised that this is as big as you two went. You surprised me with that tiny apartment, so I was expecting you to splurge on your first home."
I laughed, shaking my head. "I thought I would too, but sometimes a whole lot isn't necessary. What would he and I do with a real mansion, besides get lost?" He shrugged. "I think this is perfect. Even though we're still young, and still 'fresh' in the business, we've seen so many people with the money ball out excessively. We wanted a nice home, something simple, but spacious enough for us to work with for a couple of years. You know, we don't want to outgrow it before we actually get to fix things the way we want and enjoy it. I think five bedrooms is good. The garage being a two-car garage was important, because Raj is petty. He'll beat me home just to park in the garage and leave my pretty jeep sitting in the street." Daddy laughed, shaking his head. "We've got a mini-studio. Which, he really just converted the basement and gave me the den to use as a writing area."
"All of the wonderful music you two will come up with. I'm excited just thinking about it."
I smiled, shaking my head. "Nah, he'll be the main one using the studio when he gets in his producer mode and can't or doesn't feel like driving all the way out to LA just to mess around with some tracks. I, on the other hand, will continue selling my songs and collecting checks from all of my top ten and top five hits."
"Ha, that's my baby. I'm so proud of you. What about this area though? It's nice, but do you like being so secluded and away from everything?"
I nodded. "Why not be secluded or low-profile, as I like to call my current situation. I like that we're sort of in the middle of nowhere, but still close enough to different things and places. Well, no, I won't even say we're secluded, it just won't be easy for people that don't know us to find us. Privacy is going to be such a big thing for me, especially if things work in our favor soon."
"You two starting your own Jr. Band?"
I smirked. "I don't know about it being a full band, but yeah, we've been working at it. I'm thinking two kids to start with, and they'll have their own space when they're old enough. And then the other rooms can just be guest rooms when you guys visit, or his family, you know. Simple."
Feeling him throw his arm over my shoulder, I smiled and moved closer to my daddy, resting my head on his shoulder the way I would just a few years ago. Anytime I felt bad, anytime I was sad or confused about things going on in my life. I missed these moments, missed having the time to go to him; whether I needed help, or simply just wanted to be around him. "All that you and your sister have accomplished, in such a short amount of time; it amazes me. It brings me so much joy to see that you two have followed your dreams, and that you've become successful. That you've allowed yourselves to enjoy the fruits of your labor, but you've done so responsibly. That you've remained who you were before all of this. Though I've always trusted your judgement, it was a big fear that I would lose my babies. Your mother, she wanted it badly too. And she used to say that it takes strong minded individuals, those rooted with strong values and morals, a strong sense of themselves. She didn't know it, but she was raising the both of you to be those strong individuals. I'd like to think I did my best picking up where she left off." I smiled. "Trina, she'd be so proud of you and your sister."
I looked up at Daddy. "You think so?"
"Definitely. When you guys won your first Grammy, I was sitting next to Crystal and I just burst out laughing. She asked what was so funny, and I said 'at the exact moment they panned the cameras on Troy and Torii, to get their reactions, I heard their mother's voice screaming, those are MY damn babies!'" I fell out, shaking my head. "Sometimes, when I see the two of you on TV, I see her. I think she'd be very proud of you for doing what you love, but also for kind of making it and living out her dream as well."
"Do you think she would have been happy about me marrying so young?"
"Probably not. I remember you guys were in daycare, and she got mad because this little boy kissed you on the cheek. She said you wouldn't be allowed to date, you neither Troy."
I laughed. "Wait, isn't that what you were supposed to say?"
He nodded. "I thought it was cute. Y'all had shared cookies or something like that and he just gave you a kiss. She was livid." I stared at him intently as he spoke of my mother, amazed. "Don't get me wrong; she'd like Raj, and she'd like that he takes great care of you. Same for Marliss and how he treats Troy. She'd love that they respect you and support you as much as they do. But you and Raj marrying at nineteen would have upset her a little. However, knowing that you two were trying to give us grandkids, that would have changed things a little. The chance to spoil more babies? Oh, that was her thing. She'd be over the moon, especially when things become official." He stuck his arms out, imitating her. "Give, give me that baby. You don't know what you doing anyway! And she'd look down and start doing the baby talk, and really act like it was her child. Then, when you get your baby back, the baby doesn't want anyone but her. Every one of her friends that had children before her, she was the Godmother, and every last one of them loved Tee Trina because she had them spoiled rotten. Got in trouble, got told no, they came straight to her."
"Were Troy and I like that?"
Daddy scoffed, slapping his knee. "Y'all were terrible. You became Daddy's Girls, but for the longest I couldn't even hold y'all without you crying or reaching for her. I didn't mind, that let me know that my children were loved and well taken care of, safe and well protected, and God made the right choice in choosing her to be your mother."
"Think she'd like Crystal?"
Daddy sat quietly for a moment, probably thinking about it. I didn't remember too much about my mother, but her and Crystal are most definitely polar opposites. Crystal was more like Daddy; quiet and reserved, a watcher and only really willing to speak up when it was absolutely necessary. My mother, I remember distinctively, was loud and in your face. She loved to be the center of attention, and loved to make others happy. Crystal and Daddy were the quiet type of goofy, calm goofy. They'll say something hilarious, but with straight faces and dull voices, unaware that they've even said something crazy or funny. My mother told her stories with her hands and motion, changed her voice and moved about excitedly. Sometimes, she'd laugh harder than you would at her jokes, and that made them funnier. I absolutely adored bedtime stories with her because she always made it seem real. I remember that quite well. "Honestly... and Crystal knows this, Trina would not like that she's so much like me. Dull and super calm. Your mother hated dry humor and sarcasm, even it was unintentional. She loved to laugh, and I mean gut-busting laugh. So, she'd ask me to tell a joke, and I'm just corny and boring, I've never denied that. I'd say something I knew would make her laugh, but she couldn't stand when I said something silly but didn't laugh at myself. Like, I didn't know or think I was being funny. She'd be crying laughing, and then two seconds later she'd be upset because I wasn't laughing or chuckling at whatever I said. I'd just be sitting there, looking like 'you thought that was funny? My job is done.'." I smiled and shook my head. "She would however love that Crystal chose to step-up, something I always told her she didn't have to do. She loved you as her own, treated you as her own, and she didn't try to overstep her boundaries, never disrespected your mother or her presence in our lives. Oh, Trina would most definitely LOVE that Crystal wanted and still wants to know things about her from time to time."
"Any specific talents, qualities or habits I get from her? Other than the voice, of course?"
Daddy nodded. "Troy sings like your mother, more so than you do. You sing like her sister, your aunt Pamela. Both amazing, by the way." I nodded. "Let's see, you're like your mother in the sense that..." He fell out laughing. "Alright, your attitude."
"What... attitude?"
He smirked. "That one right there, I heard it. You have a slight temper. Even though it takes a lot to get you upset, and it takes even more to push you to the point where you actually go off, once something or someone takes you there, it's over with. That attitude is lethal, deadly if your sister's not around to hold you back or stop you." I rolled my eyes, refusing to agree with that. "Also, you don't bite your tongue for anyone, always speaking your mind. Even when you know it can get you in trouble. But, the fact that you know yourself, and your instincts are almost, always right, it's hard to be mad at you talking back so much. Overly inquisitive... also known as, nosy." I laughed, refusing to agree with that one as well. "You could be a real detective if you wanted to because once something doesn't set or feel right to you, that's it, you stay on the case until you figure out what went wrong. How it went wrong, what time it went wrong, who's responsible, and how you'll beat their ass."
"Haa, oh Lord."
"And you get all of that from Trina Mercier. All Troy got was the voice and that rare but strong ability to hurt someone's feelings one second, and go back to being a sweetheart the next, when someone pisses her off. Lord, your mother was something else and trust when Daddy says, she lives through y'all." He smiled, leaning down to kiss my forehead. "And I love it."
"Me too." We sat talking a little while longer, and he told me more stories about her until Raymond made it home from the studio. After that, the night was young and since Daddy rarely got to see more than a few areas of Los Angeles when he visited, we decided to take him out for a nice family night on the town.
After a few days of fun and relaxation, it was back to work, in a small sense, for me. Since there was nothing going on with Fly Girl, as MCA was in the process of trying to find my sister and beg her to reconsider her decision, I spent most of my time and energy writing for other artist. This led me to create with Raymond and Marliss frequently, but the last few months I'd been getting calls from artists I'd come up adoring, artists who were far bigger than myself and Fly Girl as a whole. Was I complaining, or turning anyone down? Hell no.
If they saw something in little old Torii from that girl group, then that meant I was heading in the right direction, creatively. Unlike Troy, while I no longer wanted to sing either, I didn't want out of the industry fully just yet. Not as long as there was a chance for me to collect a constant check from songwriting royalties.
Today, I was sitting with an old friend, and frequent business partner, as a few of our main remakes have been songs originally sung by Five Star. Because my sister was a huge fan of theirs, over the years, I'd grown to love and appreciate their music and their artistic style. Not to mention, some of their stage costumes were the absolute greatest, in my opinion. It was a great honor to work with them again, and an even greater honor to know they thought enough of me to have me co-write two songs with them.
Deniece, lead singer of Five Star, sought me out and flew to the US just to sit with me for a few days while we penned the tracks for their upcoming project. "You girls stayed so busy, I was afraid that this moment may have never gotten here."
"Well thank God for breaks, and you know we're always eager to work with you all. I can't thank you enough for this chance though, and giving me the opportunity to reach new audiences."
Deniece smiled. "Well I knew that if I wanted to get with a really good writer, and I had to come to America to do so, I'd better try my luck and get to you before I lost the chance. You've done wonderfully for your group, but I'll tell you like I tell my brother, Delroy..." I nodded. "Sometimes, you have to take your best and use it for yourself, or get the best out of it with someone else. Everything you pen for your group isn't meant for your group. There's plenty of songs he and I have both given away, and that's because there's greater potential in them outside of our own camps."
I nodded, completely entranced by her accent, but I understood exactly what she meant. While I had co-written hits and fan favorites for Fly Girl, I'd seen bigger results from other artists performing my songs. As did Raymond and Marliss when Xclusive split and they started producing and writing elsewhere. The same had happened for Troy, though she often wrote under a penname. "I'm definitely seeing that as I go along. And I have to admit, I like sharing my best with others outside of our little camp. I get opinions on things and they're not saying it's good or has hit potential just because they don't want to hurt my feelings. I think that's the best part of it."
"Yes, there always has to be an unbiased opinion or two thrown in. Though, friends and those around us mean well."
I nodded. "Definitely." I cleared my throat. "Alright, so, I sent you a package with some of the songs and instrumentals that I felt would fit the Five Star style. I mean, I know you've always switched it up with each album, and you've all tried different things, but there is a Five Star sound and I think I captured it after spending a couple of days playing your albums. Especially Shine and Heart & Soul."
Deniece nodded, pulling a folder from the satchel she'd brought with her. She sat it on top of the mixing console we were sitting next to and flipped through a few pages before pulling out one sheet of lyrics I'd sent her. "This one was by far my favorite. Don't Let Me Be The Lonely One. I know you attached a note saying that I was free to change the lyrics as I see fit, but there's honestly nothing I really want to change. I think my change would come in with the key that I sing in. If I'm correct in assuming that was you on the demo you sent, I can't hit the notes the way that you did."
I nodded. "You're like my sister; insane range, tone, and so much more. But that's fine, I actually want you to sing it the way that you feel is best and comfortable for you."
"Are you open for adlibs? I noticed there was a lot of time where it was just the instrumental."
"Sounds perfect to me." I cleared my throat. "I've always hated adlibbing because sometimes artists are so extra, that's why I didn't do any." I shook my head, thinking about an Xscape song I was listening to the other day. "Well, that and I didn't want my husband telling me I should just keep it for myself after 'singing the hell out of it'."
"Oo, I'm on Raj's side though. When is the world getting a Torii Mercier album?"
I smiled and sighed. "Never."
Deniece smacked her lips, saying what everyone else tells me. Don't waste my own talent by just sitting there. "Maybe, one day when I lose a bet and someone is wise enough to make that a part of the deal. I'll record one. For now though, I need to know what your other song choice is 'cause I'm anxious to hear my words come to life."
"Well, I also love I Get Such A High. There's this little country vibe and it makes feel all lovey dovey, so I'd very much like to co-write that with you as well. Though, there's not really much of your work I want to change because you, Torii, are perfection."
I giggled, flipping my hair over my shoulder. "Well, I try."
"So silly. Is there anything my siblings and I can do for you, aside from the actual payment of course."
I sat back and thought for a second. "Actually, yes. There's one song that I would love the rights to record."
"For yourself?"
"Mm... myself and my sister, for sure. But, for some reason I'm holding out a little hope for the group. We have to deliver this third album before we can get out of our contracts, and I think the song I have in mind would be perfect for us. You know, go out with a bang."
She nodded. "Alright, just let me know which and we'll work out the details for that while we're working on this."
"Deal."
Ava -
For some reason unknown to me, I was the only one before forced to make rounds on the daytime and late-night talk show circuits to explain things. I've said time and time again, yes, what I did was taking it too far, but I wasn't the only one causing tension. I wasn't the only one, repeatedly, doing stupid things that led to the supposed end of Fly Girl.
Why was I the only one made to take full responsibility for the actions of my groupmates as well as our former manager? Not to mention, Chauncey was out to slander the hell out of us upon hearing that we hadn't performed as a whole in more than a year. Of course, no one took him seriously, but that didn't stop them from assuming that he and I were in this little bullshit media-turnaround together.
At this point; I wasn't sure if I even wanted to make up with the girls. Troy was missing in action, and refused to answer mine, Leann, or Brandy's calls. Torii was off getting small roles in movies and writing songs for people we only dreamed about meeting, let alone working with. She wasn't answering mine or Leann's calls, and only saw Brandy occasionally to assure her that she and Troy were fine. And from what I'd heard, Leann was in rehab again.
Then there was me, struggling, with absolutely no one to turn to. Brandy wasn't talking to me outside of business and cleaning up my image, I didn't know our new manager Harrison that well, though he's the only reason I was still working, and Todd had become distant with me. I just didn't know what to do or how to handle myself anymore.
Once I left a dreaded and awful interview with Sally Jessy Raphael, I headed home for the comfort of my bed and the only other thing that had become a constant in my life. Food.
In just a year, I'd gained more weight than necessary. Though I was still a decent size, it was quite obvious that I was out of shape, and in the beginning stages of letting myself go completely.
Letting my hair down as I closed and locked my front door, I sighed and tossed my keys on the mail table. After getting myself a soda from the fridge, I headed straight to my bedroom. There, I found Todd moving around, going from dresser to dresser as he packed his suitcases.
I looked around, trying to hide my annoyance at the fact that, once again, he failed to mention that he was going out of town. "Where to this time? And why didn't you tell me?"
Todd looked up at me, almost as if he were surprised to see me. We'd been living together for a while now; he should have been used to me 'creeping' in quietly before I actually spoke or announced my presence. It was a habit I'd developed to keep from waking him if he worked late or had to rest for early flights. "Didn't think you'd be back so soon."
"What, you thought I was really going to go through with that therapy crap Sally suggested?" I rolled my eyes, kicking my shoes off before I sat down on my bed. "She can't even control her production team and employees. There's no way she was going to make me stay there for that."
"You need to talk to someone Ava."
I looked at him, tilting my head to the side. "That's what I have you for. That is what you told me. Anytime I needed to talk, get my feelings out; that I could come to you, no matter how scared about something I was."
Todd nodded. "Yeah, I did say that, but that was before you began to use that as an excuse to do stupid shit, and throw it back in my face that I told you to come to me when you needed some type of understanding. I try real hard to be sympathetic to your situation Ava, I do. You don't have anybody, and I know what that's like. I get that; but you intentionally fight and push away the people that want to be there for you, the people that truly care about you, and still love you in spite of your dirty ass ways."
I sighed before I spoke. "What is wrong? And... where are you going?"
Todd licked his lips, closing and zipping up his first suitcase before he set it on the floor. "I'm leaving, Ava, and I'm not coming back."
"Wait, what?" Instantly, I jumped up, walking to him quickly. "No, no, you cannot leave me. Todd, I need you! I-I love you!"
He chuckled. "I love you too, Ava. And sometimes I hate myself for loving you." I felt my throat closing up, like I was going to die right here and now. "I might be many things, but a fool isn't one."
"What are you talking about? Why are you leaving?"
"If you cheated with me, why should I have thought or felt that you wouldn't do it to me."
"I didn-"
"You did, and I know about every single time you messed around."
"Baby, I was..."
"Drunk, but that excuse is so fucking played out, Ava. And you're not a child anymore, you're too old to still be making the same dumb ass mistakes while trying to 'find yourself'; making those mistakes without learning and growing. Look, I'm not even mad. You've never experienced life for yourself, by yourself, so it's some shit you still gon' do. You hate to be alone, and you love the idea of someone sitting by waiting on you to decide what you really want, but I don't have time like that anymore. I want more than what I know you have to offer right now. There are a lot of mistakes you're still going to make; but I'm not about to let you drag me down with you. How we came about, that was wrong and fucked up. But, I've been too damn good to you for you to turn around and use me, and then dog me out like I haven't tried to give you the life that you deserve. I'm done."
"Todd, please, just give me a chance to make things right! I can't make it without you, I'll die without you!"
He shook his head, pushing my hands away before he closed and zipped up his other suitcase, setting it on the floor as well before he headed into the closet. "You've got other things you need to focus on right now. A relationship, with me or any other man, is not one of those things." Returning with a duffle bag he usually used for overnight trips, he looked at me and sighed, shaking his head. "Do one thing for me, Baby."
"Anything, I'll do anything. Just please, don't leave me."
"Learn to love yourself. Seeking validation from the music and the accolades, awards, and fans...trying to get it, still, from your parents... trying to find it in men who only want you for nothing more than a quick fuck or two; that's going to tear you down. You'll never be able to handle any real relationship if you're depending on others to make you happy or to make you love yourself. You will make it."
"I won't."
"You will." He kissed my cheek gently before grabbing his things and walked out.
I stood there, my chest rising and falling as I tried my best to control my breathing. The room began to spin, and I felt hot tears streaming down my face. This could not have been happening to me. Rage took over, and the only thing that crossed my mind was to destroy something.
I grabbed the lamp from my nightstand, ripping the cord from the wall before I threw it at the wall and watched it shatter. That wasn't enough. Nothing would be enough to take away this intense amount of pain that I was feeling.
I had nothing, and no one.