Thirteen
"So, did you enjoy your shopping trip with Alex?" We were laying on the bed. Knight hadn't tried anything on me since the incident in the closet doorway. He dragged the tips of his fingers up my back, tracing designs lazily onto the exposed skin of my upper back.
"It's funny, y'know, I actually really despise any form of shopping. Yet, it was really interesting with her. She's just so. . ." I couldn't find the appropriate word to describe her so instead I waved my hand in a circular motion, as if that explained everything Alex was and what she wasn't.
Knight laughed, the vibrations shaking the bed. "I know what you mean. She's definitely something else. And, she certainly keeps Dimitri on his toes." He wrapped his hand around my waist and pulled me against him. "She's a good kid though. Strong willed. Outspoken. You two will probably become close to each other." He placed a kiss on my left shoulder.
"I think that'd be nice. I mean, I don't really know anyone here so." I turned my face to look at him. "As a matter of fact I barely know you, and we're supposed to be mates."
It was true. I didn't know this man. But, it was also true that he made me feel things no one else ever had. I felt at home in his arms, in his world. He made me feel as if I were whole, like there had been some missing price of my soul before he had come barging into my life. The only thing that bothered me about him being in my life was that the dreams that now plagued my sleep.
Unlike most children, I never had nightmares. As a matter of fact I never even really dreamed. When I slept I revisited memories. I saw my mother, before she disappeared. My father, more involved in my life as a child then when I had hit high school. But after meeting Knight I dreamt of strange creatures roaming the edges of my consciousness, and almost every night I experienced the same excruciating pain.
Despite Knights presence, even his existence, filling a void in myself I hadn't known existed, there was still a piece of me missing. The longer I was in the company of the wolves, the more it felt like this piece of me that was missing was more and more important. A shiver ran up my spine as I let my mind try to subtly dig further into my sub-conscious to figure out what it could possibly be.
I had to bite my lower lip to stop my groan of pain. I had run against a mental wall made of internal pain. I couldn't recall a time in my past that would cause me to have felt this much anguish to block of the memories of the incident. But, maybe that was the point of the wall. To stop me from remembering. What could have possibly been that awful?
"Renee?"
I opened my eyes. I hadn't even realized I had closed them. I looked into Knights questioning eyes.
"What's wrong, babe?" He placed his forehead to mine.
"I'm just. . . I don't really know." I shrugged my shoulders the best I could lying down.
"You can ask me anything, and I'll tell you anything you want to know. I hope you know that." He raised his hand and placed it against my cheek, his thumb stroking my jaw.
"I-I know that. It's just. . . well this time it isn't about you. It's-it's about me." I closed my eyes again. I didn't want to see his emotions flit across his face. Not now. "There's something horribly wrong with me." I whispered.
I barely had time to gasp before I was in Knights tight embrace. His arms circled protectively around my waist and shoulders. His head rested firmly against the top of my head. I could feel his accelerated heartbeat through his thin shirt. My hands automatically curled into his shirt, and my face buried into his neck.
Our bodies fit perfectly together. As if we were made for each other. Well, we were mates so I guess we kinda were made for each other. I could feel every inch of his hard, lithe body pressed protectively and erotically against my own.
"Renee, you are perfect. There is nothing wrong with you. You are strong and beautiful, kind and compassionate. You are everything good and brilliant in this world." My breath caught in my throat at us words.
That's when I realized that despite out short acquaintance, he cared deeply for me. And, regardless of my not fully acknowledging the supernatural, I had come to depend on what this man thought of me. How was it that only after a few days that these words would have such a strong impact on me? That his opinion of me mattered so much?
"Oh, Knight." I wrapped my arms around his back and pulled him harder against my body. "It's just that, every time I try to remember parts of my childhood, it's all. . . lost. As if I've built a wall around them to keep myself out. And, I'm so afraid of what's behind it. What could possibly be behind it? I can't imagine going through something so traumatizing to have made something inside myself like that."
I felt his body stiffen slightly as I spoke. I had the strange feeling that he might know what had happened. I almost didn't want to trust my instincts, there was no possibly way that he knew. We had only known of each others existence for a short while. Right?
"Knight?" I whispered.
****
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
Not now. Why now of all times? We were making so much progress. I could hold her without her trying to get away. If I told her the truth she would surely never wish to speak with me again.
"Knight?" She was waiting for an answer. An answer I wasn't so sure how to give her. She had had one of the most traumatizing events any living thing could go through.
She had lost a piece of her soul. And despite the packs persistent efforts in trying to collect information on how it could be given back, nothing had shown up. Not a single legend on how to reconnect a split connection. It appeared that once that kind of bond was broken, it could never be reconnected.
That tore at my heart more than anything. If Renee had not been my mate, the guilt would have been less. But, the goddess seemed to have a sick sense of humor.
"I shouldn't have said anything." She whispered into my neck. It was so quite that if I had not been a werewolf I would not have heard it. But I was. And so was she.
"Renee, love, I'm honored that you trust me with this. You aren't damaged. There is nothing wrong with you." I caressed the back of her head. My fingers brushing through her hair.
"But there is." She insisted. She brought her elbows underneath her and looked down at me. "Every time I try to access my memories there's this wall. This huge impenetrable wall of pain, that I can't get past. Something awful must have happened to me for my subconscious to erect such a barrier. What could have possibly happened to me, Knight?"
I drew her down to me slowly. Massaging the tense muscles in her back. "I'm not all that sure. But, I think I know someone who might be able to help. But, Renee, your past is your past. It's made you who you are today. Whether you remember it or not, it has shaped you to be the free spirited women who is laying in my arms right now. No matter how horrific or not this thing is, it doesn't change who you are. Or how I think of you."
Her hands tightened in my shirt. Her head rested in my shoulder. I pulled her tighter against me, not wanting to let her go, but knowing that if she found out the truth. . . she may not want anything to do with the pack. Or me.
*****
Whenever I fell asleep in Knights arms I always seemed to wake up exceptionally hot. But, as I rolled over to find a more comfortable position in the bed, I realized I was alone.
The room was pitch black. There was no light from the moon or the stars. I could hear the distinctive howling of wolves somewhere out in the forest. No other noise broke the silence that Kay over the house. I instantly became nervous. No matter what hour of the night I awoke, Knight was always there beside me. A pillar of strength and warmth.
But, he was not here. And, I was alone. There was no reason for me to feel the way I did at this moment. Sure our relationship had stepped up several levels. As a matter of fact our relationship was never normal. Yet, I could feel myself being pulled to him. It reminded me of the myth of the Red String of Fate. I felt myself tied to Knight in a way I had never felt tied to anyone or anything. I did not feel shackled. I felt drawn. And if what Knight said was true, we were soul mates. We were meant to be together. And this string of fate would forever keep us searching for the other. No matter what life we were in.
I crawled out of bed. My mind firmly set on finding Knight and telling him that I accepted out relationship and future together whole heartedly. As I made my way to the door I stopped. Despite it being late at night, it was still too quite. The wolves outside had not made any noise for some time. And, unlike most other nights, the house was dead silent. There were no heavy thumps as the warriors trained. There were no floorboard creaks as the younger pack members tried to silently train in the hallways.
There was nothing.
Cautiously I opened the door. Looking up and down the hall my suspicions were confirmed. There were no cowering children trying to hide from the eyes of their elders. Silently I walked down the stairs to the main hall.
Still there was only silence.
My heart began to pound. My breath became shallow. What could be happening that the entire pack house was silent? Was someone injured? Was it Knight? Before my mind could run any further, a scream rent the air.