How?
How do I go on without her? My life has become a bitter nightmare and I can't continue living like this anymore. They will not understand. Shane completes me. When she left the first time she broke my heart. She was always there for me. Since that day I met her. Though I did not realize it at first she was the one who kept me centered.
In our early teen years, when I started rolling with bad company she rescued me. When I started getting too promiscuous she was the one who stopped me. She was the one who got me to give Mark a chance. Whenever I needed someone she was always there. Pulling me by my ear and slapping sense into me when I deserved it. Without her, I would have been lost. Like I am now.I survived when she left the first time. Somehow I knew I would. This time is different. This time she knows I love her. I know she loves me. This time I was ready to fully commit, to start a life with her. I can't do that now. He took her and I know that maniac's like Eric do not just let the people they... I can't even bring myself to say it but I know he will never let her go because he knows how bad I want her.
I am supposed to just move on from all of this. Why should I? How can I? How am I supposed to wake up every day and be okay? How do I live knowing I lost her? That she is not safe. I said I would protect her and I failed. I will never get to see her again.Someone knocks on my bedroom door.
"Jared open the door." Mom calls.
I remain silent. Go away, mom.
"Jared, baby come on, please open the door." She knocks and continues calling for five minutes.I get up and unlock the door. I can never beat her persistence. A few moments later mom steps inside closing the door again. Her eyes widen with shock and worry as she turns and sees what I have done to my room, what I am about to do to myself.
I look away as she faces me. Not wanting to meet her angry scowl. She walks up to me and hugs me. I freeze for a moment then hug her back as she starts crying. A few minutes pass then she stops and cups my face in her hands.
"I love you Jared and when I thought lost you it killed me... I didn't think it was fair for me to be alive when my baby couldn't be... I couldn't look at myself, I just knew I couldn't protect my baby like I was supposed to and I hated myself... Then one day I decided to take my life... But I couldn't...that same day Jasmyne told me I was still pregnant. I cried and she thought I was happy but I almost took your life away from you and look how far we have come, Jared... Everything may not be perfect but we can survive anything baby, do you understand?"
"Yeah but..."
"I loved your father with every inch of my soul and I didn't see life beyond him. Not until you."
"Mom I can't...."
"You're not alone Jared and you won't ever be. I am here for you. I didn't lose you back then and I won't be losing you now."
"This is too hard."
"I know. What happened to Shane is unfair and unjust and I pray that she finds a way back to us. But.." She takes my hand and leads me to the living room pointing out its occupants and my heart, what's left of it breaks even more. "Leaving them is also unfair and unjust."
I look at Javed and Janaé. I did not even know they were here. I look at my mom. Superwoman.
"How did you know?"
"You know, the only difference between us is that you like to punch people. Otherwise, you are just like me."
"Why do we have to go through pain like this mom?"
"Because we are strong enough to survive it all. Even when it's too hard to believe. They need you, Jared, more than anything." She squeezed my hand in hers. "She needs you to take care of them for her."
"I'm sorry." I feel so ashamed of myself now. All week I have been walking around pretending that it was not as bad. Pretending that I could handle it all on my own and she saw through my facade like it was nothing.
Javed and Janaé. I was about to leave them. Just like that. How selfish can I be? They lost their mommy and here I was putting myself before them.
"Daddy!" Javed calls. Soon after they both run towards me. I bend down and take them into my arms.
"I may tookie." Janaé coos.
I smile. "Did you make cookies for me?"
"Is hot."
"Oh, and did you make cookies," I asked Javed.
"I eat cootee."
"Live for them Jared, live for your babies."
I look at mom and nodded. "No mom, I won't just live for them I also have, Mark, Jordan, Jason, Jayda, and you mom. My family."
Mom smiles and her eyes fill with tears but she doesn't cry. I give her an understanding nod."Tookie time!" Janaé squeals.
Mom laughs. "Okay let's eat some cookies."
They leave me and run into the kitchen. "When did you make cookies?"
Mom points to a pile of luggage that I did not notice before. Did that mean they were gonna live with us now?
"Yes, honey and they've been here all morning." She answers reading my expression.Superwoman. This woman is a superwoman.
***"Hey doofus, can you hear me?"
I look at Mark. Of course, he can't. As much as I want him to. "Some crazy shit has been going on out here. That's kinda why you're here.." I trailed off. I know he is gonna hate me for getting him into this. I hate me for getting him into this.
"You've been here way too long." I roll my eyes.
I feel stupid but my therapist says talking to someone who I trust helps. Mom suggested that I take a few sessions. I refused but had to change my mind. The twins need me to be anything but angry and crazy all the time.
The one person I fully trust is Mark. I have my mom but this is mom. Who in their right mind tells their mother every dark feeling and thought in detail about themselves? I love my mom but I like it better if she does not think I am a psycho.
"Happy birthday." If his spirit was here he would slap me. There is not much to be happy about anymore. It is weird how our birthdays are exactly one month apart. If I had stayed in mom's womb full term we could have been born on the same day. That also opens a wound to how unfaithful my asshole father was. She thought it started when she got her new job but Mark was proof that he was always unfaithful. For all, I know we could have more siblings out there. Probably older. I hope not. I can't stand seeing him break my mom's heart like that again.I sit down and sigh. Mark shook everything when he first knocked on our front door.
Exposing my sperm doner's unfaithfulness for what it was. We turned him away at first. When all he wanted was a family to love him. He has one now and we all love him. I hope he knows that.
"I don't know what I am doing anymore. I wake up some days not wanting to continue... I can't accept the fact that she's gone... I tell myself I have nothing to live for....then the twins come running to me. They already lost a parent and here I am wanting to abandon them. You, mom, all of you... I can't live without her but I can live for you guys... I am so lost Mark... I just want to fix everything but I can't. I'm so sorry I did this to you, Mark. I'll make it right I promise bro."
****
Jared was about to end his life. His own life. Like oh my... Look don't be mad I promised you that Shane will be found you silly boy... But thanks to Jasarie he'll be fine. They are so alike and she knew just what to do... Superwomen I tell you.
Even though he still blames himself. Still hates waking up. he's not going to leave his kids. But is it enough? Can Jared really pull himself together for his family? Look at what he's telling Mark. I don't think the therapy is working to well...
Let's hope for the best shall we.
Hope you all enjoyed this chapter.
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Thanks for reading.