October 1995 :
Ava -
Night after night; hit the stage, sing and dance our asses off, and repeat. Sleep was officially non-existent, and it was all because we took Chauncey's harsh and unnecessary words and used them against him.
Not only had we stepped up our performances, surprising ourselves, we'd stepped it up enough to have members of the audience spreading the entertainment gospel about four teenage girls shutting things down before Keith Sweat could even get on stage to do his begging and whining. So dang good, they'd begun extending our set and adding more tour dates for us. From August, to September, to October; you could find us on various Ladies' Night type tours, warming up the crowds. We'd gotten to perform before and alongside some of the best; SWV, H-Town, TROOP, Tevin Campbell. We'd even met a few of our official peers; Aaliyah, Brandy, Monica, Usher, Immature, and so many others. And meeting the queen herself, Whitney Houston; the icing on what was literally, the most delicious cake ever in life. It was insane.
Then, once we released our second single; that was all she wrote for Fly Girl. We shot straight to number one within three days with limited airplay, after Chauncey pissed off four of the hottest radio DJs, and no music video.
After a two-month break, and what I'm sure was a much needed time to reflect and focus on herself, her sons, and her own life outside of work, Brandy came back and rejoined us. This time, there was nothing Chauncey could say that didn't warrant him either getting the piss slapped out of him, or being told off to the point of no return. A man who had a comeback for everything, had been silenced by a woman he tried so hard to break.
Not only that, we'd gotten to meet Mr. Monroe, Brandy's husband, in the most unexpected way. I guess you could say that Chauncey had his ass handed to him. Not only did Brandy's husband beat him down, he made it painfully clear that disrespect towards his wife, or any female he knew would not be tolerated any longer. That extended to us, now that he'd met the four of us finally, and Chauncey had begun to watch himself and how he spoke to us just a little more.
With Brandy's return, of course came extra work; so much that we had to catch up on and pull together because there'd been so much trouble trying to find someone who'd work as hard as she has for us. There was honestly no way for us to show just how much we appreciated her.
The extra work was welcomed, at least for me. Though we had talked things out, it still wasn't enough to make me feel comfortable with being at home with Sean while on my short breaks. Every chance he got; there was mention of me quitting, him being able to take care of me again now that he'd found a job that was willing to pay him double what he was making before he was laid off. I tried explaining that money had nothing to do with it. He and I could have been broke and struggling; I just wanted to sing, and now that I had the chance, I wasn't giving it up. He was mad, but for the time being, he'd just have to be mad.
Sitting in the studio, I was looking over the lyrics I had just been given when my name got called. One of the latest producers to hop on board for our project, known simply as Bishop, called out to me again and I got up, setting my lyrics down as I excused myself, walking past Troy and Torii as they went over their own parts.
Escorting me out of the room, down the hall, and into one of the empty offices, Bishop closed the door behind us and offered me a seat. Naturally, I took one in front of the desk, while he sat behind the desk in a large black chair that looked as if it had been through a few years of wear and tear. "How are you feeling this afternoon, Ava?"
I shrugged. "The way any rising star should feel, I guess. Lucky, excited... exhausted."
He chuckled and I gave a light smile, quickly changing the subject and asking what he wanted with me. Usually, when the producers wanted a bit more input for the direction of the songs, I was not one of the people they turned to for suggestions. We really had no input at all, but if they wanted to know how any of us felt about what they were doing, they asked Troy first, Torii second, and every now and then they'd call on Leann to see if she was comfortable with whatever rap verse they'd written for her. Something I didn't mind since that saved me from any type of blame should an idea be taken the wrong way or fail simply because our audience, or Chauncey, couldn't understand. "You know things are shifting once again. Rico Da Don signed off, while allowing y'all to keep the four songs he's already produced for y'all, but he's no longer a main producer for the album."
"Wow, sorry to hear that. He was cool." And patient with us, understanding that we were kids, and newcomers trying to learn the ropes. "Are you taking his place?"
Bishop nodded. "Yes, executive producing along with Chauncey and two others. But, I didn't call you in to discuss that."
"So, why am I here? You know how Boss Man gets if we're lollygagging; if anything, I should be memorizing the words to the song we have to record tonight."
"About that; did you notice that you'll be leading?"
I nodded. "Yeah, I noticed. It's unusual, but I guess it'll be nice to have one full lead to myself."
Putting his hands together, Bishop nodded before looking me directly in the eye. "The thing is; I've been listening to some of the songs that you girls already finished, and there's something about you guys that even Chauncey hasn't noticed yet."
"Oh? And that is?"
"You; the diamond in the ruff. Sure, Troy's got a great voice, and so does Torii; but you can tell there's a bit of training that they've gone through."
"All the more reason for them to lead it all; I've never had lessons, not singing lessons. You want me to do anything, let me play a few instruments. Piano, keyboard, drums. I can do that and feel more comfortable than singing lead."
"Why not step out of your comfort zone though?" I looked at him, a bit put off by the way he stared at me so intently. He never broke eye contact and that creeped me out just a little bit. "Your voice has this very rare and beautiful quality to it; one that can take you and the group farther than what you're all aiming for right now."
I cleared my throat, crossing one leg over the other. "Thanks for the compliment, but I'm used to how things are. Troy and Torii leading. I got a co-lead on one song with Troy, that's currently a hit, and that was enough. I mean, I'll take the one I'm leading tonight, but really, I don't want to be the one that makes or breaks the group." I also don't want to cause any issues when it's already been decided that Troy is the official lead singer.
"You're welcome. Listen, I'm just saying that I see something in you. And, after we work on this song together tonight, you'll see what I mean too. I just wanted you to know that the opportunity for more leads is there."
The way that last part of his sentence rubbed me the wrong way. Almost... almost as if he were trying to be seductive in the way that he said it. The way he smiled afterwards made him even more unattractive than I already thought he was. "At what cost, Sir?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "A favor for a favor; a, you scratch my back and I scratch your back type of thing. You'll learn soon enough Ava, if you choose not to go solo eventually, that you'll get a lot more in group situations when you put yourself out a little more for what is rightfully yours."
I sighed, catching his drift as something Brandy told us early on popped into my mind. This industry is full of creeps; and they're all men. Old, married, with families, and still chasing after and trying to damage those who don't know better. Be careful. "In other words; sleep with you and I could get more leads, possibly better songs."
"Well, when you word it like that, it sounds-"
"Appalling. Degrading, that you would even suggest something like this to me, and downright... pedophilic."
"Oh, whoa, you're jumping the gun now, Woman."
"I'm sixteen years old. Just because I've chosen to grow up a little in some aspects of my life, that doesn't mean I'm a grown woman in other aspects. You're what, forty-something?"
"Forty-eight."
I shook my head. "I might have father issues, but they're not that damn deep and I'm not going around looking for someone to be my daddy."
I got up and began heading out. "Aye, you just keep your mouth shut about this. I heard you're already skating on thin ice with Chauncey, well on your way out of here."
"And just what are you saying?" I felt tears welling up in my eyes.
"I'm saying; if I label you as difficult to work with, you're out of here." He smiled and I shook my head, slamming the door behind me as I ran back to the studio. Reaching the door, just before I turned the nob, my choices played out in my head.
Who would even believe me, a kid? No; a girl living as an adult that's no stranger to sex and could easily be labeled as promiscuous. Who'd believe me?
I cleared my throat, quickly wiping away my tears before I walked back into the room. Troy looked up at me and smiled. "Hey, you're back just in time. We finally figured out what key we're supposed to be singing in. Ava, giiirl, you're about to kill it with this song. Trust me." I gave a weak smile, thanking Troy as I sat back down and grabbed my lyric sheet. "Are you okay, Ava? What happened with that Bishop guy?"
I shook my head, clearing my throat. "Oh, nothing. Just checking to make sure I was comfortable with leading since I haven't done much of that aside from Love Can't Wait."
"Chile, you can have some of my leads. I'm tired of being fussed at; give me more! High-aaaah. Hit. The Damn. Note!" I shook my head, trying so hard not to laugh at the way she imitated Chauncey. But I laughed anyway, and welcomed the quick distraction from what was really going on in my head.
Troy -
Fresh off the tour bus, after driving through the night following what had been one of our best shows as openers to date, we were all slouching in our hair and makeup chairs. Struggling to stay awake for what we knew would be a long day.
At this point, I'd become used to not sleeping; but every so often, I'd get these moments where everything around me would stop moving, and I'd begin to feel as if I was going to collapse wherever I stood or sat in that moment.
Exhausted wasn't the correct word. I kept my mouth shut though, afraid that complaining over something as simple as sleep would bring the end of my dreams. Though we hadn't been told so in over three weeks, I still heard Chauncey's words playing back in my head from time to time. I can take this from you. I can end this right here and right now. You'll never sing again.
I don't know about my sister, Ava, or Leann; but now that we've gotten a little success, going back to just singing in school talent shows and for the tiny audiences of family members that only acted nice to avoid drama with your parents wasn't an option. This was it for me.
"Troy, Honey, I know that you're sleepy and I understand, but I really need you to sit up straight. I don't want you looking crazy with makeup looking caked up and eyebrows going in separate directions. Just give me a few more minutes, and you'll be good to go."
I nodded, apologizing to Lydia, one of our fill-in makeup artists as I sat up and made it easier for her to make me look pretty.
We're shooting our second music video, and I was ready to get it over with so that I could stuff my face and crash.
"Where's the food, that's all I'm asking?"
Everyone sitting close to me laughed, but I was very serious. "A lot of weight doesn't look well on a short figure Troy. You might want to remember that as you continuously ask about food, and snacks every hour on the hour."
I looked at Chauncey through the mirror as he passed by, turning my lip up for a moment. "If I look as fantastic as Brandy, I'll be just fine. I know how those type of comments work. And it might make others feel bad, but I'm far from self-conscious about myself or my body. Whether I'm as tiny and shapeless as I am now, or as big as a house; I'll still be a great singer."
"Or, struggling to breathe after every note. And as far as still being a singer goes; you'll be lucky if you get to play Effie in later renditions of Dream Girls. That is, if anyone in the current industry takes a second glance at you."
He stopped and looked between all of us. "I'm not advocating that you starve yourselves. Look at me..." He pointed to his slight belly, though his height is probably what saved him from looking like a real slouch. "I'm just telling you what the world's going to tell you. Hell, at least I say things without sugarcoating it. I'm mean, but there are executives and label heads who are far worse, and never apologize for their approach or how quickly they drop you. For female artists; it's tough, and you've got to be on it to stay in this business. No marriages, hell if you're dating it better be the right guy." He looked at Leann when he said that. "Even if you've gotta front with that guy in public. No kids when the time comes, or you might as well set your microphones down and prepare to retire or disappear from the scene and hope you can get a good comeback. If you come in skinny, you better stay skinny or a decent size so that they won't call you fat, overweight, or tell you that you don't have the look every single time they see you. You come in fat, better hope you're never stuck backing the skinny chicks, or, you better hope you're valued enough to still get a deal, to have your songs and videos played with people saying, if she wasn't fat it would be..."
"But what's wrong with having extra weight? That's what I want to know. Everybody doesn't look right super skinny. My head is already big, y'all want me to walk around looking like a freakin' bobble head too? And I don't know about everyone else; but I hate having to hear things like you should eat more. You look hungry. Why you ain't got no meat on them bones?"
He looked at Torii and shrugged. "There's nothing wrong with it at all, especially if you're healthy or take good care of yourself. The problem is that it doesn't sell what the labels want you to sell. Sure, y'all get away with it now because none of you are eighteen yet; though Leann will be by the time the album is released. So no point in over-exaggerating whatever sex appeal you all may have. We're real conscious about not oversexualizing you all because you are kids, still. Leann being eighteen or nineteen, and Troy being sixteen or close to seventeen when we get to the second album, if there is one, that's when they'll really be looking at every single thing, picking you all apart whether you know it or not. There are death sentences for the careers of a female artist; labels will leave you to think and wonder if you've done something wrong. I want you to know everything that can bring about your demise. It's not always just attitudes and diminishing talent."
"Damn."
"Damn is right, Leann." Chauncey cleared his throat. "So I come down on you all a little too hard sometimes."
"All the time."
He shrugged, rolling his eyes as well. "The point is, Ava, I'd rather you all hear it from someone close. I'd rather hurt your feelings so that if you come across it later, it's nothing to you. You can brush it off, or use it as constructive criticism, and do better in all aspects. The weight thing, Troy, is not me saying you're fat; right now you probably weigh just over a hundred pounds, if that. It's me saying that you need to watch how you go about your personal health regimens, outside of the workouts we set up for you all." He sighed, looking directly at me this time. "Troy; you sing just as beautifully as the numerous female artists you idolize, your range is fantastic, and your ability to mimic other singers is impeccable. Vesta Williams is a great example of that, and because you can sound like her, you could be considered a baby Chaka as well when you chose to sing that way. Very similar voices, you get what I'm saying?"
I nodded. "Yeah, I always thought they sounded alike too. Vesta sang background for Chaka before too, right?"
Chauncey nodded. "Yes, but here's where they differ. Chaka is respected and highly regarded, no matter how she looks because she's Chaka Khan, legendary with over twenty years in the business. She's got nothing to prove any longer. Vesta is respected, amazing singer, but how often do you hear people speaking of her without mentioning her weight? Phyllis Hyman, one of your favorites; amazing voice, but what did people talk about most when she was here with us?"
I thought about it for a second. "Her weight, how it went up and down, mostly up. Same for Luther, the ladies from The Weather Girls, Jennifer Holliday..."
"You can take Luther Vandross out that list. Him, Heavy D, and any other male will still have large followings and sales. This is in regard to women. Labels back and support anyone that can bring in money, but they'll drop the ball so fast when it comes to those, mainly women, that become the cause of that money being lost if they don't fit a certain image."
I looked down and nodded. "We seek perfection, all across the board. Don't go crazy and get on some stupid diet, just be conscious and aware."
I sighed. "I'm still hungry."
Chauncey laughed, probably figuring that his whole speech went in one ear and right out the other. It hadn't. "Eat Troy, in moderation, please and thank you."
After okaying the final looks for our makeup, he walked out. Leann was the first to speak. "I hate when he gets in his preachy modes; but he's not lying to us about any of that."
"I just don't understand why they have to scrutinize everything about women. Our careers, our personal lives, our bodies. What I do and how I go about doing it is my business, right?"
I looked at Ava, shaking my head. "To an extent. But you know what, Ava; when we signed those contracts we acknowledged that some of what we do and how we do it is no longer our business only. Sure, there's no big way those who like or love us can get extremely close to us, aside from letters and meeting us one day, but they still watch us via the news and teen magazines and tabloids. And, to an extent, those over us can tell us what they prefer and what they want from us. We have no status yet, so we kind of have to go along, to an extent."
"To an extent?"
"Far enough without stressing or causing us to break down mentally, if we know ourselves well enough to know how much we can and should take."
My sister sighed, standing next to me after she got out of her chair. "Just another reason to hate being a girl."
"Right. Periods, body changes that no one asks for, and professional and public scrutiny after choosing a career that fulfills our dreams." I shook my head and stood up, heading to get myself some yogurt. "The joy."