Torii –
Sitting in the center of my bed, I smiled and blew kisses at my little brother, Chris, smiling wide as he poked his tiny little lip out. Though I love both of my little brothers dearly, Chris is the only one of the two that will actually sit around me without crying excessively for no reason. It's almost as if Anthony, or Tony as we call him, picked his favorite the instant Troy and I got back home.
Anthony will take one look at me, poke that bottom lip out and get to wailing; and that's without me even being super close to him or attempting to pick him up. He's a cute little thing, but real rude about showing who his least favorite older sister is.
While rubbing Chris' chubby cheeks, I quietly listened in on Troy's latest phone conversation with Roman. Not my business, no, but she wanted me to hear how he'd been speaking to her lately. For some reason, she felt I wouldn't believe that he'd changed all of a sudden, so she'd been taking all of his calls with me around.
I guess she figured I liked him as a person, or felt he was a good choice for her. I mean, he was cool, and stood up for us a lot, but he still ran with Tiphany and her pound of mutts. I know who to invest my time and trust into and Roman was never one of those people.
"I already told you, stop yelling and stop cursing. Also, you have no reason to be cursing or yelling at me."
"You're my girlfriend, aren't you?"
I peeked over at Troy as she threw her head back for a few seconds, throwing all of her hair out of her face as she let out a deep sigh. "Actually, no. You asked me, but I heard that every time I leave for California or somewhere else, you're sneaking in and out of Tiphany's bedroom window-" My jaw dropped. "So no, Roman, I am not your girlfriend. Furthermore, we never made anything official because when I found out I got chosen for the group, I told you let's test to see how we might workout long distance. Talking, and just talking."
He chuckled, but I don't get what was funny. "That right there, that is when it became clear that you were my girl. The hell I'm gonna do long distance with somebody for if I'm not serious about it?"
"Oh, your seriousness about me would have been real and true if I had given you what you wanted. And I didn't, and you started acting funny afterwards, only talking to me when you felt like it, so I knew not to invest my feelings into something that was probably going to be over by the time Thanksgiving rolled around."
I looked over at her after picking Chris up, rubbing his back gently as I held him against my chest. "What did he want you to do, Sis?"
She held her hand up, quietly asking me to hold on. "Oh come off it Troy. You were forever walking around school, acting like you're some type of pure and innocent angel. You've had boyfriends, you know what the deal is."
I shook my head, forcing myself not to go off since Roman seemed to have missed the fact that she had him on speakerphone. "First of all, when we started 'talking' I was fourteen. My birthday passing changed nothing, I'm just another year older. But, for sure, not a year dumber. Who do you think I am? You really thought I was going to sleep with you and be okay after you went on to someone else?"
"You know it wasn't going to be like that."
"Tuh, from your reaction when I said 'no', that's sure what it seems like it was going to be. You might be sixteen and doing all that, you might be ready for it, but I'm not. And anybody that wants to call their self my boyfriend will not stress or pressure me about it."
"Whatever. And while you're checking me; what about this dude I stay seeing you around when you're on TV. What about the dude that's always in the background when we talk while you're out of town? Who's that? Okay, we just talking, but you're not acting like a girlfriend should act."
I shook my head, laughing inwardly at how he was quickly messing things up for himself. He probably figured she might make up some excuse, but... "He's a label mate, and a guy that I like. And since whatever you and I were going to have is out the window, I can stop feeling guilty about having a crush. Bye Roman, and lose my number."
Troy ended the call before sighing, shaking her head as she picked Anthony up. "Tony, Boo-Bear, don't ever grow up to be stupid like boys that are mine and Torii's ages, okay."
I laughed. "And that goes double for you, Chris."
Troy and I both looked up when my door creaked open and we smiled, saying hello to Crystal as she walked in. She was beyond exhausted, couldn't even hide it anymore, and most definitely couldn't hide the bags that had slowly formed under her eyes after weeks of trying to handle things while we were gone and Daddy was working.
"Why didn't you bring them to me so that I could nurse?"
I smiled, still rubbing Chris' back so that he could continue sleeping comfortably now that he'd fallen. "Because we know you need your rest. Besides, you had bottles made for them, and we fed them when they got hungry, changed them, bathe and got them ready for bed. It's no biggie."
"Yeah. And, we want to get as much time in with the Rugrats as possible before we start this impromptu tour we've been thrusted into."
Crystal smiled, leaning against the door. "I'm still so shocked, but very glad that things are happening for the both of you. Very, very proud. How does it feel to have a number one single?"
I smirked, loving the sound of that though we had to be honest to keep ourselves humbled and in check. "Number one would be awesome to claim, if we hadn't come behind Xclusive. However, the Apollo and Jay Leno appearances did exactly what they were supposed to and we're one of the hottest acts to debut in 1995. Not bad for a group that it took nearly six months to pull together."
"All of the fuss and changes, it was worth it. You've gotten great people behind you, amazing mentors, new friends, and you're living your dreams."
I smiled. "Any chance Troy and I will be spotting you and Daddy in the audience again?"
She nodded. "Yes, as soon as y'all make your way back to Tennessee. It was great to get out to New York, but we can't travel like that all the time. Trust and believe though, we'll be cheering you on every day."
"Sounds great Crystal. Go ahead and get some more rest. Troy and I will put these two in bed soon."
She nodded, thanking us both as she walked out and closed the door.
Gently laying Chris down, I carefully laid on my side, resting one of my fingers in his tiny hand. "So, Troy, is that what you meant when you said Roman had changed?"
She nodded while making silly faces to make Anthony laugh. "Mmhm. It's like, the instant I said I'd be gone more often, he just became this completely different person. And I tried to play it off. Oh, he's older and he's feeling me. He really likes ME, but, I don't know. I started feeling like him getting me was some type of challenge, and sure enough I heard from one of his friends that a bet was placed. Then, I overheard him telling someone else that he couldn't wait to say he had me, that he can't wait to tell people that he slept with Troy of Fly Girl. It made me feel so cheap, like, like I wasn't really anything to him after all. Ugh, he talked so much noise about really caring about me, and the notes that he passed me were just so beautiful. That night after I told him no to sleeping with him, I came home and I felt so bad about myself."
"What do you mean?"
She looked at me for a moment before shrugging. "Even though he hadn't done anything, I didn't let him, I still felt used. All this time, he's telling me what I like to hear, and he's getting little kisses here and there. And we're showing off in Tiphany's face, but he's playing me too. I don't know, I just felt stupid. And this whole time, I was still trying to convince myself that maybe I was just bugging."
"Bugging how?"
Clearing her throat, Troy paused for a few moments before she spoke again. "Because, like you, Raj, and Leann always tease me; I really do like Marliss. And I was thinking that, okay, I like them both. But I'm always around Marliss, so maybe my feelings for him are clouding what I'm supposed to be feeling for Roman. Maybe I'm making something out of nothing so that I can make something wrong about this situation with Roman."
I nodded, understanding what she meant. "Well, from what I heard, you're most definitely not bugging. And I'm proud of you for trusting and sticking to your own judgement about how to handle a situation like that. You're real nice, Sis, and a little too trusting of everyone. That's not a bad thing, but there are people who see it immediately and attempt to take advantage."
"I know, and they always seem to forget that we were raised by our father. A man who's never shied away from using impolite words when it comes to teaching us the facts of life, or how to handle these knuckleheads. Maybe this was why he kept reminding me that he got bad vibes about Roman."
I laughed, nodding my head as I thought about Daddy's attempt as giving us both the sex talk when I was twelve and Troy was eleven.
One thing about that talk; it's worked very well over the years, for the both of us. His constant reminder to not take our childhood and teen years, and the things that seem childlike, for granted; along with teaching us about how to act as young ladies, showing us the realistic side of what comes with more responsibilities, with wanting more freedom, what comes with having sex, and more has kept us in check as well.
But it feels good, is a line I've gotten numerous time from boys wanting to lay claim as the one who's taken my virginity, the majority of them without even wanting to wear protection, and every time, my reply has been it might feel good, but it'll never feel good enough to jeopardize my future with responsibilities and consequences I know I'm not ready for.
Let's just say they don't care too much for the young sisters that know a thing or two about their self-worth and what they want for themselves beyond fake thugs and whack drug dealers hanging on corners trying to put lil' ol' Tennessee on the map as a drug and gang state.
"Don't worry about it, Sis. When you're ready for a relationship and all of that, the perfect person for you will come along, and he will respect everything about you; including your morals, your feelings, your ideas and thoughts, your talent, and you as a person in general." I cleared my throat. "I mean, if he's not already in your face on the daily when we're working."
She groaned and I laughed before promising not to tease her about Marliss and their terrible attempt at acting normal around one another.
After spending a week at home, we were back in California and preparing for our first two stops on the tour we'd been invited to join on short notice.
Never mind that we only had one single, and an album that was sixty-two percent complete; we were in demand, and Chauncey said we were in no position to say no to anyone that was willing to pay and pay right.
I agreed. While we were finishing up the album, in between shows, we'd be creating this huge buzz for ourselves as opening acts. It was somewhat rare, and unheard of, considering most established artists preferred to work with those who were guaranteed to pull in more ticket sales, but somebody out there had some major faith in us. That, and Brandy hyped the hell out of us any and everywhere that she went.
The woman was truly Heaven sent.
After hooking up my earpiece, thanking Kyrie as he hooked the microphone pack to the back of my jeans, I grabbed the bottle of lotion Ava had left on the table for me and began to put some on, loving the way it smelled.
"Mm mm, looking and smelling good." Raymond ran his fingertips up my arm, smiling as he said hello.
I rolled my eyes, trying my best to hide the annoyance that I'm sure wanted to escape through my voice as I spoke. Don't get me wrong, Raymond is nice, and he's a real sweet guy. Talented, funny, and he is cute. However, he's so damn persistent that it irks my soul.
Yeah, they teach us never to give up on what we want; but after a certain amount of 'NO' replies, you'd think one would be tired. "Hi, Raymond."
"I told you, Torii, call me Raj. I prefer Raj over Raymond."
"And I'd rather call you by your actual name, keep things nice and formal between the two of us."
He smiled, getting closer. "I'd rather things be a little more personal between us. Come on, haven't we been great friends so far?"
"Yes, friends. Friends is the limit, I already told you that I have..."
He pushed his hands into his pocket as he stepped back, looking down at me with a cocky smirk spread across his face. "I know, you got a boyfriend. But he obviously can't mean much if you get a little excited anytime I come around."
"Excuse you?"
Raymond smiled. "You know you like me Torii, and I know it too. You might as well stop pretending, drop the dude you got back in Tennessee and let me be your boyfriend."
I gave a tiny smile, pulling the bottom of my vest down as I sighed. I threw my hands up, dramatically, before bringing them back down to hit the sides of my legs. "You're right, Raj, you're absolutely right. I like you. I like you so much, and every time I lay eyes on you..."
"Mmhm?"
"I just get so overwhelmed. I struggle so much trying to hide these feelings from you."
"Really?"
I smiled before pushing him away. "No." He sighed, stepping back a little. "Look, Raj, you're nice and all of that. And if I didn't have a boyfriend, then yeah, maybe I'd go along with your flirting and all of that. But you also fail to respect the fact that I tell you repeatedly that I have someone. I'm just not the type of chick to drop someone I'm feeling or chase behind a fling or whatever. Ain't gonna be no quickies on the road, no one night stands or none of that."
He stepped back even further. "Wait, you thought that I only see you as someone to knock boots with while I'm touring?"
I nodded, answering honestly. "Yeah."
Raymond nodded before clearing his throat. "That's definitely not the type of dude I am, but I apologize if my actions made you feel that way." His tone was no longer airy, or full of energy. "Have a good show."
Before I could say anything else, Raymond walked away, running to catch up once Keith called out to let him know they were going on.
Pushing thoughts of Raymond, and boys in general, out of my mind, I quickly refocused while heading to do a final vocal warm-up with my own group. Once we hit the stage, there was no denying that we'd come to make our presence in the industry felt.
I could tell immediately when we walked out that the entire audience was skeptical. Save for a few screams, scattered throughout the crowd, it was obvious that most of them hadn't even heard of us yet. They weren't here for us, or for Xclusive for that matter. They were here for Keith Sweat, while we were blessed enough to be recognized by them.
We performed our single, of course, and two other tracks that would be on the album. Then, we got ready to perform our final song.
Ava, Leann, Troy, and I all looked at one another, knowing this moment was another make or break situation for us. Yes, we'd done well during our entire set, but this moment alone would be the one to determine whether these people tell others to show up early enough to catch us. Once again, the boys could sell sex; hump and grind on stage as much as they liked, and they were guaranteed that at least females would fill the front rows or clamor to the stage early enough to touch their hands.
We couldn't get too grown past the lyrics in one or two of the songs we performed. We had to go all out. Look good, sing great, dance well... sell the complete package we were offering.
And, we did just that, until one mistake. Though minor, one we pushed right through with ease, it was a mistake nonetheless. It didn't go unnoticed by the one person we all wished wasn't paying attention to us.
Leann –
We all sat quietly with our heads down, listening silently as Chauncey went in on us with absolutely no kindness, understanding, compassion, or mercy behind his words. You would have thought we brought somebody on stage and stabbed them in front of a crowd full of trigger happy officers, or something a little more... worth the breath he was wasting as he berated us.
Brandy had done her best to pull him back, to control him and make him tone down the harshness in his voice. But, even she couldn't stop Chauncey this time.
The boys sat quietly, no doubt glad that it wasn't them for a change, but I could see in their faces when I glanced up every so often that they wished they could say something to help us, or to at least soften the blow that came with each and every one of Chauncey's words.
He was an asshole, naturally, but never like this. Never over something so small.
"This is what you go out there and do? Fuck up one of the greatest opportunities you're ever going to get in your lives?! Ha, you hit number two and all of a sudden, you feel that you can just slack off already? You're just winging it now? Fucking up on stage, during your sets, and laughing it off? That's what we're doing now?" We said nothing. "Maybe I made a mistake. Obviously, you're not ready. You don't want this."
Each and every one of us looked up at Chauncey, confused by his statement. How could he even begin to think that we don't want this; this was our dream, the only dream any of us had for ourselves. Here we are; injuring ourselves, going to the brink of passing out, literally giving blood, sweat and tears and he thinks we don't want this. "Of course we do, Chauncey."
He jerked his head in my direction. "I can't fucking tell! You messed up, made yourselves look like idiots out there, and in turn you made ME look like an idiot."
Before I could open my mouth, Brandy interjected, saying what I know we were all thinking. "That's enough Chauncey. You're not out there in front of all those people. It was their first night, of their first tour. Whether it was theirs, or just them opening, the first night is always stressful. The first night is always a test run, and you know that. The crowd enjoyed them nonetheless, I heard that for myself, so calm down. They have enough pressure on their backs, and they don't need you hopping on them over a missed step and a missed note. It happens, shit happens!"
"You stay out of this! Go somewhere and have more kids of your own to worry about, have a girl for once." He paused, and an unnecessary amount of venom and hatred poured out with the words he spoke next. "Oh, that's right, you can't."
Brandy gasped, nodding her head slowly as she turned and grabbed her bags. "Fuck you Chauncey! I've taken a lot from you over the years, but the last thing I will ever accept is your disrespect when it comes to what I struggle with personally. You're damn right I see them as my daughters, and if I could protect them from assholes like you, I'd give my last breath doing so. You know what I hope; when they blow past you, become more successful than you could ever expect; I hope they leave you, high and dry." She turned to us, wiping away the tears that had fallen. "It'd be wrong of me to tell you to break your contracts or leave your dreams. Just, be careful, and call me if you need anything."
I shook my head, grabbing her wrist as I lowered my voice. "Please don't leave us Brandy. Who else is going to motivate us, the right way?"
"You've got everything you need already, just go out there and give it your all. I'll be watching, and cheering you on." She rubbed our cheeks one by one, giving us each hugs before she stood and finally walked out, brushing past Chauncey without another word.
He just chuckled, as if something was funny. As if he hadn't just run off one of the few people we'd come to trust out here. Sure, I'm certain Brandy will make calls to Troy and Torii's parents, and those Ava and I listed as 'family', but it's damn sure not the same as having her here.
"Great, and she gets overdramatic again. UGH." Chauncey took a deep breath, pacing back and forth. "I want you all to understand one thing, and one thing only. I created each of you, it's because of me that you have the opportunities that you have now. Just as quickly as I gave you a career, it can be taken away. I can take it away. Do you understand? I can end your career now, forever. You better get it together, and get it together fast. Missed steps, missed notes, and any other fuck up... it's gonna cost you. Better start acting like you want this, and you better appreciate it."
With that, Chauncey stormed out. It was then that I noticed how truly tense things had gotten. Ava and Troy both burst into tears. Torii threw her notebook across the room and stormed out soon after.
And as I sat back, folding my arms across my chest; the only thing I could ask was what had we really done that was so bad?
Back in the apartment the girls and I shared while we stayed out here in California, hours later, I sat in the center of the living room floor with my knees to my chest as everyone else moved about around me. Not wanting to deal with Chauncey or his attitude, the boys came over to chill with us for a while, feeling glad that Brandy hadn't sent them back. They bought us ice cream and our favorite candies, hoping it would cheer us up a little bit and for a little while it helped.
Troy, Marliss, Raymond, and Torii were playing Uno. Keith, Greg, and Desmond were working on and trying to perfect the choreography for the video they have to shoot in the morning. And Ava was on the phone, trying to explain all that was going on to Sean.
"Would you all really be that upset if I didn't come back?"
I looked at Brandy and sighed. She was sitting on the couch, writing in the journal she said she'd been keeping for the last few years.
I nodded my head. "Yes Brandy, we really would." I cleared my throat. "But, we talked about it and we'd understand why you wouldn't come back. Guess you don't learn about people's true colors until something happens to make them flip that switch from fake to real, huh?"
"Leann, Chauncey's been that way for years. I guess that's why I'm so protective over y'all. When he looks at his artists, he doesn't see or differentiate between male and female."
"All he sees is money, or the potential to make or lose money. We're on the losing side now, huh? Over some stupid missed steps. It honestly was an accident, at least for me it was. I didn't mean to throw everybody else off."
Brandy gave me a gentle smile, the first one since she'd finally stopped crying about an hour or so after she got here. "Don't blame yourself Leann. Like I told him, things happen. You're bound to have a bad night every once in a while."
"I don't want to have bad nights. I don't want to ever be cursed out like that again." I sighed. "Thought I was over being talked down to like that when I left home." Brandy looked at me for a moment before returning to her journal. "Why do you put up with him if he treats you like that when we're not around?"
"Because Leann, at one point, I was so in love with that man."
I turned around, looking at Brandy as if she'd said the worst thing possible. "In love with Chauncey Howard? But he's so... so..."
"Stupid, I know." I was going to say repulsive, but stupid is a good word to describe him too. "But when I met him, that wasn't him. Things happened, years passed, I refused to let him trample over my heart, and now... at least when it comes to me, he tries his hardest to hit below the belt every single time. Usually it doesn't work, but the whole oh, you can't have more kids thing, that was the lowest. Especially since I'd confided in him when that happened to me."
"Damn. Just heartless."
Brandy nodded. "He's always been tough on his artists; I just don't understand why he blew up on y'all tonight. It wasn't necessary, not over a few steps, not when y'all got it together so quickly. I don't know."
"Well, like I said, we don't want you to go but we understand why you would."
"Thanks."
In tears once again, Ava walked in and plopped down on the other end of the couch. "What happened to you?"
"Men are so damn pathetic!"
Raymond, Desmond, and Keith all yelled a resounding heeey but Ava stuck to what she said, waving them all off. "Ava, what happened Sweetie?"
"I just wish this long distance thing wasn't so hard. I miss him, but I don't want to go home, I don't want to give up when I've barely gotten started. He's supposed to be happy for me, not questioning me and asking if I'm coming home just because he's tired of all of this hoopla all of a sudden."
"Ava, I'm sure your husband's happy for you."
"Tuh, oh he's happy, Brandy. For a few seconds before he gets in his freaking feelings about losing what meant something to him, and feeling like he'll lose me now that I'm out here and seeing the world."
Her natural accent had picked up, so much so that I almost had trouble understanding what she was saying; but I knew the short version of her statement. "Bet he won't be acting jealous or unhappy when your checks start rolling in."
She sighed, looking at me momentarily. "He's not like that Leann. He was with me before all of this, married me before all of this."
"He also married you when you were the most vulnerable. Okay, he loves you. Of that we're certain, no one's disputing. But if he's acting petty because you're working and he's not, or you're suddenly going to be making more, then there's an underlying issue there, and it's not gonna get any better if y'all don't talk that out." She rolled her eyes and I shrugged. "Aye, don't take my word for it, Shawty. After all, I'm a lesbian that can't get a girlfriend on my best day, and I've never had a real relationship. Shoot, when I do get in a relationship I won't even be able to be out in public with it, so I shouldn't be speaking on the matter. But I'm right."
I got up and excused myself, suddenly glad that I didn't have to worry about those type of problems; men problems.