Leann -
Walking home from school, I shook my head and continued rapping to myself as I passed by a group of older men. The same older men who didn't care about the fact that I was underage; they still shouted lewd and trifling things to me, damn near begging to take me somewhere just so they could get into my pants.
"Aye Ma, I know you hear me talking to you, with yo fine ass. Every day you walk past us in them tight uniform pants. Don't ever give a nigga no play though."
I rolled my eyes, still walking as I shouted behind me. "I am a teenager."
"And what does that mean? We all grow up a lil' early and fast 'round here, Shawty. Stop acting like you're all pure and shit, get with a real nigga right quick." I shook my head, speeding up as I finally reached the corner that I needed to turn on to get to my street. I only had to walk past one complex to get home. "Come on Shawty, you ain't all innocent as you act."
Turning the corner, I let out a sigh of relief, glad that he hadn't chosen to follow me today.
No, I wasn't pure or innocent, but I hadn't lost my innocence by choice either. I didn't try to act grown, or grow up any faster than I needed to... I had to. There were things I'd do to take care of myself, but sleeping with random men for the things my former friends considered worth it would never be one of the choices I made. I wasn't going to be some hood rat, stuck trickin' or selling for a bum dude around any of the wards in New Orleans. I wasn't going to be somebody's baby mama, stuck at home with no education, job, or values while said baby daddy lived in and out of jail cells at Hunts or Angola.
Walking into the apartment I shared with my no-good father, I closed and locked the door behind me. For once, his friends weren't spread about the living room, drinking and smoking as if they didn't have family or responsibilities of their own. I'd have an afternoon off where I wouldn't have to play servant or pretend that I didn't feel one of them grabbing or pinching my ass every time I passed by with fresh cans and bottles of beer.
What I did find, however, was the usual mess he left for me while he either roamed the streets or held himself up in his bedroom, drinking or shooting up to escape his 'problems'. Bills, literally piled up to the ceiling in the corner where he always tossed them. While I could do without food a lot of times, I always went behind him to make sure I collected the bills I knew needed to be paid for the other things I needed. A home was a necessity, water was a necessity, lights were a necessity. Everything else, I couldn't care less how or when he handled it.
Though he'd once been a hero in our city, one of the few that rarely made it out to be something; he'd long since began his decline and fall back into a dilapidated housing project that had nothing to offer but trifling women looking to collect a new baby daddy and a new child support check, or dealers looking to hook new fiends while they tested the quality of the products they had coming in and out. My father had fallen prey to both. Leaving me to take care of a younger sibling, while he and his drugged out baby mama did God knows what with God knows who. Leaving me to work my ass off to make sure we still had a place to stay, a good amount of clothing, food for my brother, water, and lights. Taxing on a seventeen-year-old, but what else can I do? I hadn't seen my own mother, or any part of her family, since I was about three years old and I hadn't the slightest clue where to look or who to call to reach out to them. Then again, they knew I existed, and never made any attempts to see about me.
I'd just continue to do fine without them.
Kicking an open box out of my way, I walked into the kitchen and stared in disgust. Dishes everywhere, opened and half eaten cartons containing those instant dinners strewn about, and not a single fresh item to be seen. "Just one more year, Leann, one more year. Then you can bounce, and you can take KC with you. One more year."
Hearing the door creak open, I looked around the kitchen corner and smiled when I saw that it was just my little brother. Though I hated for him to walk home alone after school, fear of him getting hit by a stray bullet, I knew he understood when to move and how fast to move to get himself home safely. Only seven, he's had to grow up just as quickly as I did. "Leann, I'm home."
"I see you. How was school?"
He walked in and set his backpack on the table, taking a seat at the kitchen table before he grabbed it and began pulling his work out. "It was okay. I got chosen to be Mr. Second Grade."
"Yo, that's awesome!"
"But I turned it down." The look on his face when he said that instantly broke my heart. "I felt that I should turn it down."
"What, why?"
He looked at me knowingly. He was smart, a little too smart for his age if anyone asked me. "Because, we don't have the money for all the stuff that I need. I can't ask Daddy, and I don't want you to-"
"You don't need to worry about me, KC. If you want to do it, I'll find a way to make sure you have your things. Do you want me to call your teacher and tell her you'll do it?"
He shook his head, adamant with his choice. "No, I turned it down and that's it. It was just nice that people like me enough to choose me."
I sighed, shaking my head as I turned and opened the fridge, trying to find something to cook for him. And there was absolutely nothing.
Digging into my pockets, I pulled out some money. Not enough for both of us, and definitely not enough to buy groceries, but it was enough to feed him for the day, to hold him over until I get paid tomorrow night. "Say, you've been really good lately, and you've been bringing home good grades." He nodded. "What do you say I treat you to one of your favorite places?"
He smiled, again shaking his head. "That's okay, Leann. I know we don't have a lot. You don't have to waste it."
"It won't be a waste, KC."
"But what will you eat if you're only feeding me?" He pulled one of his pencils out of his bag. "I know you don't eat a lot."
"I eat at work, and school. That's enough for me." I'd become so used to one meal a day, two if I worked on weekdays, that it was nothing for me to skip a day or two. "Go and put your bag in our room and change out of your uniform so that we can get out of this apartment for a little while."
"Fine, but I vote that we go and eat at your job. I like the food y'all have. And I'm not ordering a lot."
"You will, and you'll eat it all too. Now go get ready."
"Okay."
He sighed, walking slowly after he finally got up and headed towards the room we shared. I ripped a piece of paper off of the notepad I kept stuck on the fridge and grabbed the pencil he'd left on the table. I quickly wrote out a plan for how to make my next paycheck stretch after I pay the rent and light bill.
The next afternoon, after leaving my brother with one of our older neighbors, I got myself together and went to work. To my surprise, they had a full shift for once, but that didn't mean I was about to go home. I'm certain there's someone that will gladly let me have their hours. "Leann, why are you here on your day off? KC with you again?"
I looked at my manager, the only person I really talked to here, and shook my head. "No, he's staying with Ms. Priscilla for the night. I need money, it's as simple as that."
"What's going on now, Hun?"
"Same as always, Jay." We were in the crew room, and I took a seat, pulling my hair into a ponytail before I put a hairnet on. "Bills, things he needs for school, trying to make sure he eats, and paying to make sure he has somewhere safe to stay when I'm not home. At this point, I can't take any days off. Not even the one I asked for."
"The one you asked for? For your audition? But that's tomorrow, you have to go."
"Jay, I don't have time to chase dreams anymore. It would be great, but-"
"But what?"
"I have too much going on. Or, have you forgotten that I live with a bum that's stuck in his glory days as a pro-football player but isn't getting paid for his 'great' contributions to the game? I would love to keep taking this fame thing seriously, but I just can't. Not right now. I've gotta be the adult."
"Shouldn't be that way. Now, for all you know Leann, this just might be the break that you need. Nope, you're going. And if you show up here tomorrow, I will fight you and then drag you to the River Center myself."
I rolled my eyes. "And if I don't get chosen, what will you do then?"
"Drag you to the next one, and the one after that, and the one after that. You've got too much talent to just waste it. Yes, you have responsibilities, and I know that in the end, you're still going to handle them. But sometimes, you have to step back and do for yourself too. Or, you're going to live your life with a lot of what if I moments. That's just as painful as giving up sometimes, and I can tell you that from personal experience." She smiled. "You think I wanted to be the manager of a crappy restaurant?" She shook her head. "A lifetime of what ifs, and you don't need that. I'm off tomorrow too, so if you need someone to watch your brother, for free, I will. I don't mind."
"I can't."
She groaned, closing the door of the crew room before she turned back and looked at me. "Leann, I know you. I know you try to hide a lot from everyone around you, and you do a great job for the most part. But you cannot look me in my eye right now and tell me that you truly want to skip this audition. How long are you going to keep starving yourself because you don't make enough here to cover your bills, take care of your brother, and yourself? You barely want to accept any help; you barely stop to think about or do anything that YOU want to do. Are you going to run yourself ragged until you're no longer any use to yourself or KC?"
"If I have to, yes. I have to worry about and focus on him."
"And you can, and I will help you as much as possible. But I honestly believe that, for once, you need to stop and do something for you. Blessings come in many forms; how will you know when you've received yours if you skip everything that comes your way? You've turned down a lot, and I know you have. I'm not letting you miss this one."
I put my head down. "Why is this so important to you?"
"Because, I know talent when I see it Leann. We're not all special, we're not all meant to go any further than wherever we're born. We don't all have talents that are recognized worldwide as a talent that brings joy to others. I would love to own my own clothing store, but I still may not be meant to go any further than New Orleans. You, your personality is far too great, your talent in rapping and dancing is huge... whether you think so or not. You're meant to be elsewhere, and you need to give yourself the chance to get there." I sighed, seeing that it was really no use in arguing with her. "Now, I'll watch your brother tomorrow and I don't want you to even think about giving me a dime for it. I'm going to pack you a good lunch to take up to Baton Rouge with you, you're going to give your all, and that's the end of it. If tomorrow isn't meant as your big break, we'll do it all again when the next audition comes around."
And with that, Jay walked out, not giving me a chance to interject or shoot down her offer.
Getting through the majority of the shift I'd taken over that night, all was running smoothly until one of the jerks from my block came in. His smile and the air of arrogance surrounding him left a nasty taste in my mouth before he'd even uttered a word. He always came here to buy food, but something about this visit, I just knew it wasn't going to be one of my best moments or up to par with the company's customer service standards.
"Hey, what can I get for you?"
He smirked, pushing his friend out of the way before he leaned against the counter. "Ha, you already know what I want, Shawty, but I'll talk to you about that in a second. Let me get that, uh, that num'ma fo', large size it with a strawberry drink. Then I want that num'ma ten, large size it with a strawberry drink. And I don't want no my'naise or mustard on my chicken sandwich, just the lettuce and ketchup. And I want two apple pies."
Listening to him talk, it was one of the few times in my life where I hated that New Orleans accent. Mixed with the way he pronounced his words, or mispronounced rather, it was horrible.
I lowered my eyes, keying in his order exactly the way he called it out before bending down a little to retrieve two cups from the stand next to me. I slid them across the counter before telling him his total, hoping he would just give me the money and sit in the lobby until my runner called his order number. "Is that your only order?"
"Yeah, that's it for that. But you can go ahead and slide me your num'ma. You know, stop acting like you don't want me."
"I don't."
He reached for my hand but I jerked away, trying to get the next person in line to move up so that he could get away. "Come on, stop acting like that Shawty. You know you and me would look good together."
"I doubt it."
He chuckled, flashing all of his golds. "Shawty-"
I groaned. "Dude, I was trying to turn you down nicely, but you can't take a hint. I do not want you, I will never want you. I am a lesbian and I have a girlfriend, so please step aside and wait until your ticket number is called. Then, politely take your food and kindly leave through the doors you came through. Thank you, and thank you for choosing to dine with us." I turned to the next customer and apologized. "Hi, what can I get for you?"
While taking the next man's order, the only thing I could think about was mine and Jay's conversation in the crew room. I really hope she's right about there being some type of blessing in this audition tomorrow. Though I hate to admit it, I feel as if I'll die if I have to come back to or continue with this life any longer.
The next morning, Saturday morning, I'd forced myself to get up early. Even though I hadn't gotten off until two a.m., home and in bed by three, I was back up for eight and getting my brother ready. "I wish I could come and watch you audition today. I would be your biggest supporter there."
I smiled, "You'd be one of my only two supporters there, but you know what?"
"No, what?"
"I know I'll be able to feel your love and support."
"Even though I'll still be all the way down here in New Orleans?"
"Yep, because that's how tight our bond is, KC. You know I've got your back, even when I'm not around, and I know you've got mine."
He nodded, placing his hands on my shoulders as I helped him into his pants. "Will it be the same when you make it big?"
"If I make it, sure."
"No, I said 'when', because I know that you will make it. How much will we see one another then?"
I chuckled, choosing not to argue with him or hurt his feelings since he believed in me so much. "I don't know, as often as I have time I guess. And, of course when I finally have enough money, I'm going to buy us a house."
"It'll be ours, forever?"
"Yep. And we'll have our own rooms and bathrooms. I'll even let you have a pet, finally."
"Ooo."
"And we won't have to share a closet, that way you can have more clothes and shoes without holes or raggedy soles. And, we'll never ever run out of food."
"Enough for both of us to eat?"
I looked him in the eyes and nodded. "Yep, more than enough."
"Good, but I just want you to know that none of the silly things matter. As long as you're happy and I get to be with you, that's all that matters to me. I don't want to live with anyone but you, when I'm able to, I mean."
I smiled, playing with one of his curls before I hugged him tightly. "That's just the way it's going to be, I promise."
Just after I'd gotten his shoes tied, the front door opened and our father came stumbling in. He hadn't been home, smelled like the alleys he'd probably slept in, with bloodshot red eyes and scratches all over his face. He'd once been a handsome man, with beautiful dark skin and a few distinct facial features that made it obvious that my brother and I were his children; the only way anyone would know that we were black kids instead of Hispanic or whatever other race most people assumed.
It would have been second nature for me to cover my brother's eyes, but we've both seen this so many times before that it's normal now. Our father running off for days and weeks at a time is the reason I had to start paying neighbors to watch my brother.
One thing I would always make sure of; child services will never take him away. Only reason I never bothered reporting our father, because I don't want KC taken away or lost in the system. I don't believe I would have made it this far without him. Taking care of my brother is what kept me from becoming what my father was, from becoming what my own mother had become before she left.
"Where y'all going?"
My brother looked at me and I reassured him that we would get out without being hit. "We're going out; we'll be back whenever we get back."
"Who are you talking to like that?" Our father stepped towards us and KC threw himself against me, wrapping his arms around me so that I wouldn't get slapped or pushed over. I gently pushed him back, grabbing his hand after I stood up.
"No one, Sir."
"That's what the hell I thought. Better not have your trifling ass out in that street all night either. Go on, get out, I got company coming over and she don't like no children in her face."
I shook my head, grabbing mine and KC's bags. "Come on, let's go."
Making it outside and into the parking lot of our apartment complex a few minutes later, I lifted my bag over my shoulder and sighed. "I'll pick you up from Jay's tonight when I get back."
"But do we have to come back home? I don't want to be around Daddy, or his company."
"Neither do I. I don't know what we're going to do yet, but I'll let you know when I get back, okay?"
He nodded and we walked a few blocks over to getto Jay's apartment. Since she had some errands to run, she was gonna take me upto Baton Rouge and watch my brother until I got back. All that I could do wasthank God I had a true friend in her, even if I acted stubborn or pridefularound her. She never let it stop her from helping. Sometimes, she was all Ihad aside from KC, and I couldn't be more thankful.