Le'sigh~ it's been a minute, but I'm back with a new victim lol Anyway shiiiiejak!
When an author asks me to be honest, I grin. Why? Kekeke, because they have no idea what their asking for...I mean C'MON, I'm already soft with my honesty, but such a request truly makes my heart bleed, the truth...the sadist part of me has just turned into a ghoul mask muahahaha...
Sooo....l-l-l-leeee~ts begin!
SUMMARY: Ixella Badger, The daughter of the famous Raigon Badger. Secrets, lies, fighting, and a whole lot of family issues are what makes up her life. Its all she's ever known. But what happens when her step-mother and father decide enough is enough and they enroll her into 'Goku Delinquent Academy'?
Three boys and one girl are all apart of a band called 'The GRANADZ' until a new girl comes along and changes everything. New band members, kicking band members out, and possibly changing some hearts too?
Will Ixella find love in 'The GRANADZ'? Will the one nobody knew destroy everything? Will the Badger family tear Ixella apart? Or will something else ruin it all?
Proulouge..:P Yeah, I spelled it wrong blehhh ( I squeal!)
....AAAAAGH! Do you know what I hate...is actual writers...like, you know people a lot like me...we don't really care for the grammar but the story is there, it's leaking out. '
She...this—this annoyance, started off great...the abuse was nice in the beginning, I would have enjoyed a little more realism for instance, when she'd grabbed by the hair and dragged up, she wouldn't be dangled in the air like that unless her father was exceedingly strong, and you didn't mention he actual career, also to add to the scene you should have mentioned that she lost a few pieces of hair, and how it felt a being held high like that by her hair.
And when he dropped her to the ground, you already had her up and moving, without mentioning her getting up to move, a good solid kick to follow up his words would have added to the scene.
**
When she had that confrontation with that boy, again unless she some werewolf hybrid how did she lift him, is she super tall and buff?
You had a chance to contrast her appearance with her mothers, you could have said something.
"My mother entered, her perfect teeth flashing a gentle smile of worry. I was the only one able to see the crack in the perfect image that was my mother. She brushed a delicate hand through her blonde locks. I could remember how many time those very hands had slapped me across the face."
And...the way they send her off to the new school, the whole exchange is a little too fast for my liking...but hey, so far so good.
Chapter one.
!!!SAVE FROM A LIST OF CLOTHING!!!
HRM, I'm sorry.... not!
Tell me what she's wearing as we go along, liiii~~ke—!
"I lifted my black, gloved hand to remove my earphone from my ear. The skull on the back grinned at me, as I looked over the campus my own expression grim."
SQUEAL!!! All writers, that is how you tell me what your character is wearing, without over loading me on details...I'm not going to buy the outfit, just give it to me mixed with the goodiness of discritption and story line.
You gotta keep me in one emotional mode friend, she either resents her parents...or she doesn't or make it clear she's still wishing for their approval...it's too back and forth emotionally for me...stick to one emotion...at least for the beginning, alter them later when we get more in depth.
Chapter two.
An~nd there in the distance we se...e, what do we see? Cliché marry sure level talented character...I'm sorry a true character does no have a slew of talents, and is abused and neglected...it's not clicking for me.
...in the middle of the story we're going to have a performance...SURPRISE,she does great...for once I would love a characters to go sing, an~d do porely, like American idle porely.
I'm just going to skip this performance part altogether....okay? okay.
Honesty: So...the first chapters are going to get reads, because basically this author is writing an original story, fanfiction style...which a lot of teens enjoy...whether they are isn't the argument, they're not that bad or anything, but for me...whose read almost every style of fanfiction known to men, it makes me cringe because there are certain 'ON'( Original Novel) no, no's, that are popular with those who are transitioning from writing, or reading fanfiction to writing and reading ON's.
And....sooo we will end here today kiddies, and readers. *grins happily while chewing on book*
This story is actually good and has some depth I can appreciate and seeing as it has...1.4k reads it's doing pretty good.
But should you all take my , a hundred percent word...? Nope! Go and read ...looo~~~ng names work lol, don't worry a link will be at the top.
And judge it yourself!
SYWAR OUT!
+9Ɩ