Three days had passed since me and Taehyung did the deed. We had only done it that one time because I found the experience too—overwhelming. If you need any indicators as to how hard it has been for me to process what had happened, I still call it 'the deed'.
I didn't understand my behavior during the whole ordeal and it made me feel really anxious about doing it again. It's been hard trying to bring myself to repeat an experience where I felt like I had no control—unable to foresee anything. What's been harder to deal with though, was the fact that I liked it that way. Enjoyed it even.
Taehyung agreed that we should take our time and so,—we spent the rest of our days together pretending like we were having a sleepover, which it technically was, but, we did all the fun stuff. We watched movies, played games, bought snacks.....cuddled....made out....many times....
Today, I was feeling really fucking miserable though. I have to go back to my mom's house, where I'd be forced to study again and have to watch every single word I say, all while having an unreasonable curfew. I'll also have to go back to school and possibly deal with the repercussions of standing up to Jihyun over text. More than all of that though, I was going to miss being with Taehyung all day. I'll miss seeing his face first thing in the morning and having it be the last thing I see before I close my eyes.
I'm head over heels now, aren't I?
"Well I'm going to miss you baby girl"
Every time I have a gentle thought about him, he has to go and ruin it for me. Is this really supposed to be the guy I'm in love with?
"Why do you have to say it like that?" I say, recoiling at the cringey feel of the word 'baby girl'.
"You're missing the point" he said, laughing at my reaction.
"Yeah okay" I said, grabbing him by the neck "I'll miss you too"
I pulled him in for a hug before giving him a peck on the cheek, as a parting gift.
Thinking we were done bidding each other goodbye, I turn around. Taehyung, being the greedy little shit he is, grabs my arm and pulls me into a another kiss. Lips delicate, each movement laced with a hint of sadness. I get it, I don't want to leave either.
We both soon retreat from our kiss, not allowing it to last too long. If this had went on any longer we would either fuck or cry—and I wouldn't be able to handle either.
I turn around once more, thinking I was finally free to leave, but he calls out to me "Hey, Wait"
I roll my eyes, thinking 'What is it now' but then I see his face—it was all muddled.
"I didn't ask you to—like, directly. To be my girlfriend, did I?" he asked, looking disappointed in himself. A bit nervous too.
"Not that I recall, no"
"Okay, well, to be clear you are my girlfriend" he said, smuggly putting his arm around me "I wanna make it official, let everyone know you're my girl"
Despite having zero intention of being shown off, I found the sentiment cute. His smugness however, not so much.
"Ummm, why would I want to he your girlfriend?"
"Huh?" he said, looking utterly dumbfounded. His face was priceless.
"Dude, I met you online" I said reveling at the torment I was inflicting on his poor poor soul "What if you were a murderer or something?"
"Well I don't think you'd be so willing to fuck a murderer" he said giving me a sarcastic smile.
Once again. I lost the weird-off.
"You have a point" I admitted "Well you seem kinda desperate to be my boyfriend and you're not so bad looking, so sure why not"
"Oh, Fuck you" he giggled, pulling me in for another quick kiss and in that exact moment—I felt okay. I felt genuinely and unapologetically happy. Why this moment in specific? I have no clue, but for some reason the pain had subsided for a moment. I wasn't from a fucked up family anymore and I wasn't getting bullied at school.
But, the clouds had quickly sensed my happiness. Worry and fear crept in and filled me with doubt. What if he leaves?
For the first time ever though, I decided to deride my thoughts, feeling that they were becoming baseless.
I am being myself around him. I don't have to worry.
I go back to feeling content. My problems did not exist, for a fragment of time, and that was enough.
"Text me when you're home, okay?" He said, before finishing off our parting kiss (forreal this time).
He was holding onto my hand tightly, almost as if he were physically pleading with me not to go.
"Mhm" I nod, slowly letting go of his hand "Bye, Bye" I said, waving at him before starting my few minutes long walk to the bus stop.
As I made my way there I felt my cheeks get hot thinking about Taehyung. He's my boyfriend now? Mine? I, Yura, have such a cute and loving boyfriend?
I squealed under my breath, unable to control my giddy demeanor. I finally felt like a silly highschool girl.
I skipped to the bus stop and took a seat. I was dangling my feet, waiting for the vehicle to come before I felt my pupils slowly begin to fluctuate independently.
I was unable to look away from the pavement no matter how hard I tried. One by one, reality starts setting in.
I had to go back to my mother.
I have to take care of Jimin.
I have to get bullied.
The bus arrival snapped me out of my disassociative state. I went inside and took the empty seat by the window. Those were hard to find you know. I lean my head on the germ infested glass as I try to make myself remember and understand that I was no longer alone. I had Taehyung with me now.
A few minutes had passed and the bus was nearing my stop. I could see my street from the distance. I felt my heart beat faster with every turn of the wheel. I don't want to see her. I don't want to see her.
I'm scared of her words. My mother's greatest weapon was her nasty words. "What a fucking bitch" I mumble under my breath.
I think the worst part about meeting her again, is that in the few weeks we spent apart I realized that I didn't really love her all that much.
The bus halted and I took that as my signal to get out. I had to stop myself from turning around and going back inside. As a distraction, I looked down at my feet and started watching them walk towards my house, trying to fit them inside the parameters of each tile I would step on. All nice and coordinated. Soon enough, I found myself standing in front of the door.
I instantly rang the doorbell. Its less painful if you rip off the bandaid right away, no?
"Yura come in"
I didn't even look at her face, I just gave her a little nod and tried to make my way to the stairs. I thought she would be unfazed by my behavior—I mean she would always ignore me so it was best for everyone if I was quiet and avoidant. If I were to expect her to say something it would be related to my studies, not what she said next
"Wait, Yura" she called out "Can we talk?"
Having been ignoring looking at her face this whole time, I decided to finally raise my head up. She was looking down at her hands, almost as if she were a child who had opened the cookie jar without permission.
Realizing that I wouldn't initiate anything, she walked over to me and grabbed my wrist lightly before pulling me down to sit next to her on the couch.
I don't like the couch. I don't like the living room.
I remember the last time I was here. When she kicked my dad out. Slapped him. The cruel cruel words she said—I shuddered at the memory.
We sat in silence for a few moments. She needed to gather her words, I suppose. After all, we hadn't 'talked' in ages—or maybe ever. I'd rather assume my memory is faulty than deal with the reality that my mother had never made conversation with me.
"I'm sorry"
I froze.
Oh.
"I'm really sorry for what i did to you and your brother" she said breaking down into sobs.
In books, movies and even in real life. This never happens. The evil parent never apologizes, but mine did and I had no idea how to feel. No idea how to think. I couldn't even react, I was just...blank.
Oh.
"Your dad was all I ever thought about" she cried "I knew he wasn't a good man—knew he wasn't faithful"
"It made me so angry...and I took it out on you guys" she weeped, rubbing her nose with the crumpled piece of tissue in her hands "I blamed you two, for being boring and overworked—especially Jimin..." she said, her voice breaking at the mention of his name.
"I loved your dad too much..." she sighed before looking me in the eye "I was a delusional person who looked for love where there was none."
"It took me almost 20 years to realize where I went wrong" she said as she grabs my hand and tightens her grip "I know it's very late, but will you forgive me?"
I cried. I couldn't even believe that this woman was my mother. What made this even more shocking was the fact that she hugged me, for the first time ever. She hugged me.
Oh how I'd longed for her affection. I never realized how badly I wanted her compassion—her attention. Is she finally seeing me? Is she noticing the little sad girl in front of her?
"I don't want you to be fake about this and instantly treat me like i was good to you from the beginning. I want to earn it and I don't mind if it takes forever."
Was I dreaming? Am I...getting what I want? Does she actually love me? Was I important?
"I know your brother is at grandmas" she said. I panic momentarily, not accustomed to her new found sensitivity "I went over today and apologized."she continues, a small sigh of relief escaping my lips.
"He didn't react much, but I can't blame him" she said, a look of shame washing over her face. "One day maybe—he'll forgive me one day, I hope."
"Is it too late for me and you?" She asked, looking me right in the eye and I could tell she was scared. She did me wrong—many times—It wasn't close to half of what she had done to Jimin, though. So, I believed this was recoverable.
"No" I reassured. If there was anything I believed in, it was second chances.
I was still hurt but I was willing to try. After all, she was a girl, navigating life and figuring things out. Can't even imagine having a mother like my grandma. My mom was no saint, but at least she treated me like an individual.
"Okay go change, I'll get dinner ready" she smiled. A smile that was both pained and genuine
—
Yesterday was spent completely with my mum. We talked about my dad, our encounter at the mall and many more. It was a shocking experience to say the least.
My mum seemed...free? Yesterday, she was smiling, cooking good food and she even started to care for her appearance again. Shared a face mask with me, too.
I was happy for her.
I was currently at school, scared shitless. I searched for Jihyun with every step I took. It scared me more when I couldn't find her. You know when there's a spider in your room and you lose sight of it? Same feel.
Periods had passed and the day was going by peacefully . Suspicious.
I had lunch with Tae, got a small souvenir from Jungkook (a key chain with a mini antique vase dangling from it) and I even got a good grade on a quiz despite not studying for it. Weird of a school day to be so enjoyable...
Yes the day was overall good, but Taehyung was a bit off at lunch. I was too paranoid about Jihyun to ask him what was wrong. but since it was the end of the day and the likelihood of Jihyun showing up now wasn't much. Maybe I should ask him?
Last period was now over. Taehyung told me to meet him behind the school, which I found kind of confusing, but it's Taehyung. Maybe he wants to make out or something.
I found him leaning by the wall. I called out his name in order to grab his attention, but he wouldn't look up. So, I took it upon myself to jog over to him and greet him, but he stays quiet before asking me a question. A simple yet painful one.
"You're not a lesbian are you?"
And that's when all hell broke loose.