I stared at the white ceiling. Sun light the hospital room. It must've been the next day, because it was near sunset when I blacked out.
I was alone in the room. My side stung, so did my shoulder, my face, my stomach and just about everywhere. Well, almost everywhere. My heart was stone cold. I wasn't even sure if it was beating.
I remembered every event that happened last night. I could play it through my head like a movie on repeat. That scene you just can't let go, so you play it again. Then you pause and you go back again. Then again and again and again. Even when you get passed it it's still there, waiting in the back of your head for you to think about it. And you think of everything you could've done to fix it just to remind yourself how useless you are.
I wasn't crying anymore. After all these years, I think I've finally run out of tears. That just made me feel worse. I couldn't shed another tear for the lost. Not for Mila or Levi.
With great effort, I turned my head to look out the window. It was quiet outside, like nothing happened yesterday.
I let out a little laugh.
Like we hadn't over thrown an entire government.
I assume Clover took care of the specifics. There weren't any riots that I could hear.
I wondered if the others were okay.
I let out another little chuckle as I held up my hands.
Mercy, one.
Clover, two.
Bryce, three.
I wondered if I could count Chris.
I shrugged. Why not?
Chris, four.
And Theo. Theo, five.
I held up the single hand. I guess holding up two was too much to hope for. I counted them off again.
Mercy, one.
Clover, two.
Bryce, three.
Chris, four.
Theo, five.
My list of people I could count on got so small that I could count them on one hand. Assuming they were all still alive. I didn't want to think about that.
Mercy, one.
Clover, two.
Bryce, three.
Chris, four.
Theo, five.
My heart squeezed in my chest as I held up the other hand.
Mila, one.
Levi, two.
Mom, three.
Dad, four.
I smiled. I guess I could call myself optimistic for the first time, since I was happy that I had more than I'd lost.
No, I forgot one.
Mercy, one.
Clover, two.
Bryce, three.
Chris, four.
Theo, five.
Ravi, six.
Mila, seven.
Levi, eight.
Mom, nine.
Dad, ten.
All of my fingers, each and every one of them. Ten people that I could count on and call my friends. That was more than I ever could've asked four.
The door creaked open.
"Lena?" Theo's voice asked.
I turned to look at him. His usually happy eyes were weighed down with bags. He had stubble on his chin and cheeks. He seemed tired. It took him a second, but his expression changed to worried.
He ran to my side and sat on the edge of my bed.
"Lena," he said, cupping my cheek, "what's wrong?"
"Hmm?"
His finger rubbed my cheek, wiping away a warm trail of tears. Maybe I still had some left in me.
"Does it hurt? Are you okay? What's wrong?"
"No, it doesn't- Yeah it actually hurts like hell. But that's not what's wrong."
"Is it about them?" He asked, his voice calm and soothing.
I nudged his back closer, pulling myself into his warmth.
"No...Yes... Kinda."
His hand sat at the base of my neck, pulling at my hair.
"No one blames you," he finally said. "In fact, almost everyone thinks you're a hero."
"I'm not a hero."
"You kinda saved a city, Love. You're a hero."
"People are dead because of me."
"People gave there lives for what they believed in."
"I'm not a hero!" I yelled. It turned into more of a low cry. "I'm not."
He let out a sigh. "You're right. Freeing an entire city. Definitely not hero material."
We sat like that for a little, in silence.
"I guess I'm kinda a hero. But not like, a good hero or anything. I-I'm like Deadpool."
"Who?"
"I'll show you someday."
---
Turns out, I was asleep for three whole days. People we're starting to get worried, even Bryce. While I was asleep, Clover got the city under control. The people rallied to her call, and Lament's...healing. It's not perfect, but I'm confident it'll get there.
Chris was okay too, in case anyone was worried. Turns out, he's a winey bitch when he's hurt. And the worst part is, he milks it.
Three weeks after I woke up, we held Mila and Levi's funeral. I met their parents. They didn't hate me as much as I thought they would. Mila's mom thanked me, actually, for giving her something to fight for. Then she slapped me. Then she hugged me. Levi's parents ignored me, which I was okay with.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't hit low enough to consider slitting my own throat. I actually held my dagger to my throat, one night. It was the night after the funeral. That's when I brought out my list of people again. People who I'd miss. I dropped the dagger and told Theo. He was there for me all night.
After another week, Clover offered me a job working besides her. She wanted me to be something like head of military and police and all that. I refused. I had an idea of my own.
---
"Lament could really use you," Clover said, her arms crossed. "You don't even have to be big or anything. Just...stay and help."
I shook my head. "You know what I'm going to say."
She nodded. "If you ever miss home or want to stop, Lament's doors will always be open to you." She stepped closer and pulled me into a hug. "All of you."
That's right, I'm leaving Lament. Along with Chris, Mercy, Bryce, and, of course, my personal Pooh Bear, Theo.
They all had their own reasons for coming with me, most of them was the fact that it was me. Chris, though, said he wanted to make a new start. A good one. Repaying debts and all that.
"There're other places out there that need help," I said, leaning against the city wall. "I might not be able to save everyone, but I want to help who I can while I'm still alive. I guess for me, it's kinda like repaying a debt."
Ravi came in next, wrapping me in a hug. "I'm gonna miss you."
"You know I'll be back."
"I know, but still."
Rose, who was behind him, waved at me.
Ravi let go of me and said goodbye to the rest.
"Alright guys," I said, pushing myself upright, "let's get going."
And, for the first time in a long time, I pushed myself out of the shadows and into the light.
-Author's Note-
Alright guys, it's over and I'm crying. Not crying crying, but close. I can't believe it's only been half a year. It feels like I've been writing this for so much longer.
I'm debating making a book two about the gang helping out in other place, if enough people want me to. It won't happen for a long while, but I might.
Still want to go through and edit this one a bit. Especially these last two rushed chapters.
I wanna make a special and final dedication here. wise_owl615 Thanks do much for...everything. I wouldn't still be writing this story without you. You helped me through the writers blocks and the sad chapters and encouraged me. I think Lena and the rest want to thank you just as much. They wouldn't have gotten another chance without you, in my Sea of Unfinished Books. I know you're just as sad to see this story end as I am. Thanks so much.
Alright, I wiped away the first tear.
Thanks you everyone for reading this far, and making it to the end with me.
I love all of you so much.
~Qpst1235