It was dark.
I wasn't sure where exactly I was. The house I was in, it kind of reminded me of the house his mother owned. But, looking around, it didn't seem like they still lived here. There was a thick layer of dust visible on every single piece of furniture, and it seemed filthy and old.
Why was I here?
"Phil?" I started looking for him, but when I called his name, he didn't react. "Phil, where are you?"
I walked up the stairs, looking at the pictures on the wall. It was always weird to me that there weren't many pictures of his father. He had died when Phil was younger, so you'd expect the wall to be plastered with pictures of him. But it wasn't.
I looked at the childhood pictures, smiling slightly when I my eye was caught by a specific picture of Phil and his older brother, Martyn. In it, they were sat next to a white dog, both smiling brightly, Phil's bright ginger hair reflecting the sunlight lightly.
I continued walking up the stairs until I eventually reached the second floor. I still wasn't sure why I was here, or where Phil was, so I continued looking for him. "Phil?"
Again, there was no answer. I furrowed my eyebrows and stepped closer to the door that I knew would lead to Phil's old room with the green and blue walls.
I've been to this house plenty of times, yet I felt... almost anxious, I'd say. The dust swirled around with every single step I took, and I placed a hand on my mouth so I wouldn't have to cough.
With a slow movement, I placed a hand on the door handle that would lead to his bedroom. I was sure he was in there, all of a sudden. I knew he couldn't be anywhere else. Imagine him in a different place, it just... it felt horribly wrong to me.
The door creaked when I opened it. More dust was swirling around, but it didn't matter. Because what I saw was so much worse.
My heart started running as I walked over to him with quick steps. "Phil!" I looked at him. No, this couldn't be. Not Phil, not my Phil. "Phil, what happened?"
There was no point in asking this. He wouldn't answer. He wouldn't even look at me, he would just continue staring blankly at the ceiling, without even one breath escaping his lips.
I let myself fall down next to him, falling right onto my knees. Tears started to roll down my cheeks, and they landed right on his when I bend over him. "Who did this to you?"
I placed one hand on his chest, pulling it back immediately once I realised it was covered in blood.
"Oh my god," I whispered. "Oh my god." I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer to me. With two of my fingers I closed his eyelids and buried my face in his hair. And I tried and tried, but I couldn't stop the tears. But can you blame me?
"Who did this to you?"
I pulled away slightly, just so I could look at him one more time. It looked so wrong. His skin was even paler than it already was anyway, and even though they were closed, I knew his lively blue eyes would never look at me the same way again. "I love you so much." I leant down to kiss him on the forehead.
But before I could do so, his eyes shot open.
And I started screaming.
"Dan, you need to leave."
Backwards, I crawled away from him, further and further until I reached the wall.
"Dan. You need to leave," he repeated, this time with more emphasis, but I didn't stop screaming. "Dan!"
But I didn't. And suddenly, everything around me turned black, and I closed my eyes.
"Dan? Dan! What's going on? Dan! Do you hear me?"
I opened my eyes at the loud female voice I heard right next to me. I felt that a hand was being placed on my chest, and honestly, all I wanted was for it to vanish.
"I'm... I'm fine," I said and looked at her. The blonde hair and the grey eyes, I recognised it. Right. Ina. "I'm fine, really. Don't worry."
She nodded slowly, not being convinced completely. "You scared the hell out of me. You just started screaming out of nowhere."
"I'm sorry. I had a nightmare."
"Don't worry about it. I'm here with you," she whispered reassuringly, and honestly, it didn't really help.
I nodded slightly, and then she leant in to kiss me. And when these goddamn blue eyes and the dark black hair made their way into my head again, I knew that he was back in my head again.
* * *
"Listen, Ina, I'm sorry-"
"Was it just fun to you? Playing with my feelings like that?"
"You know I wouldn't do that. It's... complicated."
"Complicated?" She stared at me, her grey eyes meeting my brown. "Are you kidding me?"
"Ina, I can't explain it. This whole thing just... doesn't feel right to me. And I promise this isn't about you, you're wonderful. And you'll find another guy who'll treat you the right way. But that guy won't be me."
She shook her head. Her eyes started to shine lightly, and I knew she was close to tears. But I had to end this.
"So that's it? You're just gonna break up with me?"
Ina and I hadn't even been dating for this long, but I could tell this was getting to her. I felt sorry, but by far not sorry enough to give in.
I was used to it.
That might sound heartless, but usually I was the one who would start feeling uncomfortable, and usually I was the one ending my relationships.
Except for that one time.
I tried not to think about it. I didn't want to, not now.
"I'm sorry."
"You fucking dickhead," she mumbled. "I didn't mean anything to you!"
"Don't say that."
"But it's true, isn't it?"
"Listen, Ina, I really like you, but I can't help it, okay? I can't force any feelings upon myself that just aren't real." It hurt even me to say those words, especially since I knew what it felt like to hear those words from someone I'd fallen for, a long time ago.
Tears started to flow down her face, so I hugged her. Her short figure seemed tiny compared to mine, but I used to think of it as kind of cute. Now I just missed being hugged by someone who was almost the same height as me.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
* * *
I don't fall in love.
It's just not my kind of thing. It's not that I'm not attracted to anyone, the thing is that I don't feel like falling in love is who I am. Love simply doesn't work for me.
Okay, maybe that was a lie. The lie I keep telling myself over and over again. I fell in love once, a long time ago, and it was probably the worst mistake of my life.
My name is Dan Howell. I'm currently 24 years old and well, I live in London. I'm a professional fashion blogger, and without wanting to sound arrogant, I'm quite successful with what I do. Even though I had a YouTube channel, too, my favourite thing was still the writing I had to do for blog posts.
And that's what I did tonight. Or honestly, rather what I was trying to do.
I sat in my apartment in front of my laptop. It was 10:41 pm already and I still had no idea what to write, but then I heard the familiar sound of my iPhone's ringtone.
Ding.
I expected it to be a message from Ina, honestly.
The screen lit up and I took a look at it, reading the message I just got.
"Are you still awake?"
To my surprise, it wasn't Ina but Louise Pentland, a good friend of mine, who sent that message. I wasn't sure if I was in the mood to reply, but in the end I did anyway.
"Yeah" A few minutes passed, minutes that I spent staring at the first sentence of my blog post. If you can call "Hello readers" a sentence.
"Did you think about it? The party is still going and I'm missing you here"
I rolled my eyes.
Louise had this big party tonight because she launched her first own make-up line, and I told her that I wouldn't come, simply because parties aren't really something I'm into and I just feel like I'm way too awkward for stuff like that in general.
I had no problem with being confident and talkative on the internet, but in real life I was rather bad with people.
I took a minute to think about what I should reply with.
At first, I wanted to say no, but then I realised that right now, I had no inspiration whatsoever. Maybe some of the nice clothes at a party were what I needed now to get me inspired? And hey, meeting new people never killed anyone, right? I sighed.
Faking my enthusiasm - maybe for Louise, maybe for myself, I didn't know - I typed a reply.
"You're so annoying, Lou. Gimme half an hour"
I didn't know if she replied, because I was already busy running over to my dressing room and trying to decide for an outfit. It didn't take too long, to my surprise. I didn't want to be too casual, so I went for a red and black Givenchy button up-shirt with black stars around the collar and black skinny jeans.
I decided not to straighten my hair tonight, it didn't look too messy, honestly. I put on some silver shoes and grabbed my black wool coat, my favourite to wear at the moment. I walked down the three stairs, then got in a taxi and just fifteen minutes later, I was at Louise's party.
When I walked into the hotel the receptionist told me how to get to the room the party would take place in. As far as I knew, it was more of a hall, somewhere downstairs in the building.
In the hallway, I could already hear the buzzing sound of music that came from inside the room, and the loud voices of people talking and laughing. I opened the door and walked in.
Pink. There was a lot of pink. And white. That suited Louise. I smiled at the sight of the Hawaiian themed bar at the other end of the room and all the people walking around with flower crowns. It literally screamed "Aloha, Sprinklerionos!" right into your face when you saw it, believe me. It was amazing, though. She really put all her heart in everything she did.
I couldn't see Louise anywhere, though. And because I didn't see anyone else who I knew well enough or liked enough to walk up to them on my own, I decided to look for her.
I heard someone saying, "Oh, hey, Dan!" or "Hi Dan!" here and then, but I ignored it, pretending not to hear it. I wanted to find Louise first.
I was walking around for a strong ten minutes, but I still couldn't find Louise. Where was she? I stopped and looked around, but still couldn't see her anywhere. She was the only reason I was here, and now I couldn't even find her. I sighed quietly to myself.
"Dan Howell?"
I froze. For a moment, it felt like my heart stopped working, and I wasn't able to move.
No, this was impossible.
But it was his voice, definitely. There was no way I could ever not recognise it.
I closed my eyes, stopped breathing, and clenched my fists.
No, this wasn't actually happening. I wasn't ready yet.
But what was I thinking? I knew I would never be ready to face him again, no matter how much time had passed.
I opened my eyes again and after one more second, I turned around.
And then, I saw him.
The one person I'd ever dared to fall in love with stood right in front of me.
"Phil?"
.....................................................
here we go, the first edited version of a chapter! it's twice as long as before, lmao
i hope you liked it. tell me what you thought or if you noticed any differences!
have a nice day everyone, love you