Janine POV
"What do you want to eat babe?" tanong ni Keith. Nasa isang three star restaurant kami kasi anniversary namin as husband and wife.
"kahit ano basta nakakabusog" ang hirap talaga pag buntis, feeling ko lahat pwede kong kainin..kahit si Keith hihi.
"I asked Lance to come, susunod daw siya with Hannah and Kobe" I smiled. I miss being with those two, ilang taon na din simula ng huli naming pagkikita, it was on Ace's death anniversary. I think Kobe is only one year old when we last met, ngayon five na siya, ang bilis naman ng panahon. Nakakamiss talaga yung cute na anak ni Lance and Hannah, sa Skype ko lang yun nakikita tsaka sa facebook.
"babe, I have to pee, saan ba yung cr dito?" sabi ko. Ewan ko ba lagi na lang ako naiihi, dahil ba buntis ako? hmm..
"Just go straight ahead then kanan, dun ang cr, do you want me to go with you?" tanong niya. Kahit kelan talaga tong asawa, gusto niya lagi akong kasama at ayaw niyang nawawala ako sa paningin niya.
I pinched his nose.
"Ang sweet mo babe pero kaya ko na to," I gave him a peck on his lips bago ako umalis.
I love my life. Siguro nung una ang hirap mag adjust because I was still in love with my half brother but because of Keith I learned how to move on.
Nang makarating ako sa cr napapailing na lang ako, naaalala ko kasi nung mga oras na ayaw ko na, na gusto ko nang hiwalayan si Keith, hindi niya ako iniwan. Nagmamakaawa siya na aayusin niya lahat, he begged me to give him chance to love him. Nung mga panahon na yun, I was so in love with Kyo and I was going crazy not having Kyo. Wala akong gustong makasama kundi si Kyo lang. It was like my world revolved around Kyo and when I heard na pinakasalan niya si ate Alodia, my heart was crushed...
and I committed suicide. I almost died but Keith was able to save me, naghihingalo na ako nun when he brought me to the hospital. He stayed and he listened to all my rants. Sinabi ko kung gaano kasakit na mawala ang lalaking mahal na mahal ko, sinabi ko na hindi ko kayang magmahal na iba kundi si Kyo lamang, sinabi ko na hindi ko siya kayang mahalin, sinabi ko na iwan niya ako, sinabi ko na kung mawawala si Kyo sa buhay ko eh ayoko na ding mabuhay pa, madami pa akong sinabing masasakit na salita sa kanya but what Keith did?
He just listened. Umiiyak pa siya nun pero hindi siya nagsasalita, when I was done ang sabi lang niya, "I'll love you no matter what, I'll stay" nung mga oras na yun natanong ko sa sarili ko, bakit? bakit hindi ko magawang mas mahalin ang lalaking ito?
After a few months, nalaman ko na buntis na si Alodia, it was like all hope I have in having Kyo ay nawala na. My soul was ruined. My heart was shattered into a million pieces. Umiiyak ako, gabi gabi, natuto din akong mag-inom. My father slapped me once and it was the only time that he hurts me, kasi habang nag iinom ako I sleep with some guys. I was a wrecked. I was so messed up considering na asawa ko na si Keith nun. Keith is not a saint, dalawang beses akong iniwan ni Keith. First, nung nalaman niya na I hooked up with a friend of his, iyak siya nang iyak nun, he didn't do anything kinuha niya lang ang gamit niya sa bahay and he said "I lost, ayoko na". He didn't came back after a few months...pero bumalik siya eh.
When he heard that I got in car crash. I thought I was going to die but I was rushed to the hospital and I was saved and when I opened my eyes, si Keith ang kauna unahan kong nakita. Hindi ko alam kung ilang beses ko nang nakitang umiyak si Keith pero yung iyak nung mga panahon na yun, sobrang nasaktan ako. What am I doing? There's a man who loves me so much, why am I ruining his life? Why am I ruining mine?
Bumalik kami sa dati, husband and wife. We're casual but no romance at nung mga time na yun I crave for him, I crave Keith to be sweet again, to be with me always. Akala ko he didn't loved me anymore.
Second time na iniwan niya ako, it was on our second year anniversary. Pagkauwi ko ng bahay from work wala na ang mga gamit ni Keith. Nagpapanic na ako nun. Tumawag ako sa mga relatives niya. Humingi din ako ng tulong kay Raj at dun sa girlfriend niya. Pero wala, as in walang nakakaalam kung nasaan niya. Two weeks of agony, iyak ako ng iyak...na naman. But one day, I decided to go back to our resthouse in Batangas, and I found him there.
No other woman, just him. Naabutan ko siya sa beach nun, nakaupo lang siya sa buhangin habang nakatingin sa malayo. Halatang malalim ang iniisip niya. Nung mga oras na yun gusto kong tumakbo at yakapin niya, gusto kong batukan siya sa biglang pag iwan sakin. Pero gusto ko din sabihin sa kanya na sobra ko siya namiss.
Hindi pa niya ako nakikita kasi nakatalikod siya sa akin.
I sat beside him at nagulat naman siya.
"A-anong ginagawa mo dito?"
Ngumiti ako but tears are falling, hindi ko na napigilan.
"Bakit hindi ka man lang nagpaalam?"
Tulo lang ng tulo ang luha ko noon. Wala eh, sobra ko siyang namiss at sobra ko siyang nasaktan at sobrang nagsisisi ako.
"Ayoko na Jans, let's stop...mali pala, I'll stop" he chuckled pero halatang pilit ang tawa. "Nakakapagod" he murmured. "Nakakapagod ang mahalin ka, hindi ko na ata kaya, hindi na kaya ng puso ko" tinuro niya yung chest area niya. "Pagod na ito sa lahat ng sakit, sawang sawa na tong puso na to sa lahat, hindi na niya kaya kaya sumusuko na siya"
Tulo lang ng tulo ang luha ko. Nakatingin lang siya sa akin at ako sa kanya. Hanggang dito na nga lang ba?
Pinunasan niya ang mga luha ko gamit ang kanyang kamay.
"Shh..I'm sorry. Hindi na kita kayang pasayahin pa Jans"
Bakit ganun, bakit sobrang sakit?
"B-but" hindi ko natuloy ang sasabihin ko dahil bigla niya akong niyakap.
"Don't..please don't. Huwag mo na akong paasahin pa, don't crush me to death. Maawa ka sakin, hindi na kaya ng puso ko" he murmured. Hindi ko alam kung naiyak na ba siya but I hugged him tight. I hugged the man who loves me so much he'll break his heart instead of breaking mine.
"Keith, I'm sorry"
He shooked his head. "Wala kang dapat ika-sorry, in the first place hindi naman talaga dapat tayo nagpakasal, we should've not followed our parents, dapat nagpakasal tayo kung mahal natin ang isa't isa" he whispered in my ears dahil magkayakap pa rin kami.
"I'm so sorry Keith" Humagulhol na ako sa iyak. Binuhos ko na ang lahat. Lahat din ng ginawa niya naaalala ko, how he stayed, how he fought for me, kung paano niya ako minahal ng sobra.
"Shh.." and all he did was comfort me when I already broke him.
Binitiwan niya na ako. Pareho kaming tumayo. He smiled longingly, as if heto na ang huli naming pagkikita.
"Well, this is goodbye then. I'll miss you Jans, and I will...remember you all my life. I'll miss you so much"
It was not the first time that I've seen him cry but seeing it again, sobrang sakit. Heto na ata ang karma ko sa lahat ng ginawa ko sa kanya. Sobrang sakit na halos hindi ako makahinga at pati luha ko hindi ko na ulit napigilan.
"Keith"
"Goodbye Jans" at nagsimula na nga siyang maglakag palayo, pabalik sa resthouse pero hindi ko alam kung ano iniisip niya, dito ba siya mag sstay or aalis na ulit siya?
The thought of him leaving again scared me.
So I run back to him and hugged him from behind.
"Nakakainis ka!! I said to myself that I need to let you go kasi sobra na kitang nasaktan, na ayoko nang makitang nasasaktan ka dahil sa akin so I have to stay away...pero bakit ganun? bakit pag iniisip kong mawawala ka, bakit sobrang sakit? Sobrang tanga ko dahil sa ginawa ko sayo...I regretted it every day na wala ka."
Tinanggal niya ang yakap ko at humarap siya sa akin, this time he's not crying anymore, more like confused.
"What are you talking about Jans?"
"YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT! Can't you see Keith, I've fallen in love with you! Just you and no one else anymore!" I yelled.
At anong nakita kong reaction niya? he laughed. Ako naman ngayon ang confuse.
"I'm fucked. I'm so fucked. This is a dream right? The girl I've been loving is loving me back, this is a fucking dream" bulong niya.
Sinampal ko siya ng malakas na ikinagulat naman niya.
"Oh ayan, is it still a dream?"
Napatingin siya sa akin, tapos hinawakan niya ako, in my shoulders, my hands, my cheeks, as if hindi siya makapaniwala.
"You're joking"
"Gusto mo ng isa pang sampal?" tanong ko na napangiti naman siya.
"Tangina, hindi talaga to panaginip?"
"No...hindi to panaginip, I'm here to get you back and I will, let's go back home Keith? I miss you so much"
And Keith finally smiled while crying, again. But this time he's crying because he's so happy.
"Tangina, hindi nga panaginip" sabi niya ulit then he crushed me into a tight hug.
"I love you Keith"
and then I heard him sobbing in my arms, and I let him stayed there for a while.
Nagulat na lang ako na tumutulo na pala ang luha ko dahil sa naalala ko noon, it's been years pero yung sakit and happiness in that moment is still in my heart, I can stil feel it.
After retouching and peeing as well, bumalik na ako sa table but I stopped after a few steps, hindi lang si Keith ang nandun, nandun na din si Hannah, Lance and Kobe...but also Kyo and ate Alodia with their daughter.
I'm waiting for something, longing for Kyo or something to break inside me pero.. wala. As in.
Lumapit ako sa kanila and I saw Keith glancing at me. Nervous. I looked at him and smiled, to calm him.
I am here for you, and I will love you only.
"How are you Jans?" Kyo said. Everyone is silence except for Kobe eating his food. Lahat sila nakatingin for my reaction.
I smiled at him, my purest genuine smile, at said:
"I'm happy as I will ever be, ikaw?" he seems satisfied with my words.
"The same, it's good to hear that from you..sis" ngumiti siya, an awkward smile.
I laughed at his reaction and reach his arms.
"Sorry, but I don't feel like calling you my bro...tano" :P
At tumawa lang din siya. And then after a few minutes everyone is laughing. We're talking about everything that has happened in the past, kasi yung tungkol kay Sae and Dars because they are always going to be in our hearts.
We talked about Ace and I saw Hannah teary eyed about it.
We talked about the soon to be parents, Daniella and Ice.
AN: Special chapters again soon!!! Sorry sobrang busy lang talaga sa work, I'll try my best though :)) Thank you sa lahat ng nagbabasa. Next na kina Daniella and Ice!