Jason
I grab our luggage out of the trunk of the cabbie, while Mel pays him. This by far has been the worst week I've ever had. First, I find out that Leslie pretty much lied to me throughout her entire pregnancy. She waited for me to ask for a DNA test before telling me that she slept with someone else. I honestly thought that I was the only dude that she was with. Leslie had never cheated on me, but it never crossed my mind for a second that although she was my second choice, that I was her second choice as well.
I've been trying to keep myself from getting emotional over the whole ordeal, but I can't help it. The more I think about Jason Jr. the more that I realize that the boy doesn't look like me. It didn't bother me when he was born, because he was a newborn. I've done a lot of research in the last months about babies and a woman being pregnant, so it didn't bother me much that he didn't resemble me. I'm not the kind of dude to just flat out deny a child just because he doesn't look like me. I figured that his looks will come later on.
I let out a breath of air as I close the trunk. This week has been exhausting and emotionally draining. I'm trying so hard not to snap out and just let everyone have it. My son might not be my son.
The reason that my marriage is in the state that it's in now is because of the fact that Mel thought that I was having a baby with someone else. She stepped out on me, because she was too weak to deal with our situations at home. I close my eyes for a second, letting it sink in that if this isn't my baby, it means that we honestly wouldn't have been through all that hurt.
Mel places her hand on my shoulder, causing me to jump a little. She gives me a weak smile as she walks in front of me.
When Leslie broke the news to me, I try not to take out my feelings on Mel. It's just every single time I see her pregnant belly, I feel like shit. My son might not be my son, and my daughter might not be my daughter. The fuck is wrong with my world?
"Everything will be fine." Mel says softly, walking ahead of me and leaving the door of the building open for me. I swear it feels as though she could read my mind.
I notice Ashlee coming off the elevator with a couple of her friends. She tries to make eye contact with me, but I don't bother to look at her. After having a serious talk with Mel about her and Cameron, and Ashlee and I, I knew that I would have to let my friend go. It isn't fair for me to keep holding on to Ashlee, because at times Mel makes marriage life difficult.
Mel pushes the button for the elevator and glances at me every few seconds. Things have been sort of awkward, since finding out that we may not be dealing with Leslie for the rest of our lives. I wonder if she's secretly happy, but just doesn't show it. She held me and cried with me, but it doesn't mean that she isn't celebrating Leslie's deceitful lies.
When the elevator comes, she steps on and waits for me to get on behind her, before pushing the button for the fourth floor. She keeps sneaking looks at me. I know that she's just trying to give me space, because she probably believes that's what I need. I've been sort of distant with her, trying to prepare myself for the worst possible news.
"If I never found out about you and Cameron, would you have eventually told me the truth?" I don't know what makes me ask her this question.
She darts her eyes to me and a look of confusion flash across them. "You don't honestly think that I would have kept something like that to myself, because it benefits me, right?"
"I don't know. You weren't going tell me that you possibly had feelings for Cameron, or the fact that it could have been his child. He told me that shit in the most disrespectful manner."
She walks out the elevator and completely ignore my words, so I take this as an opportunity to keep talking.
"You weren't going to tell me, huh?"
Mel opens our front door, but not before turning to me with slit eyes. "Fuck you, Jason. You know that I'm nothing like Leslie. You're the one who didn't think she cheated on you. I told you when she first said she was pregnant that you needed to get a test done. I told you I couldn't understand why you were so happy about this . . ." She shrugs her shoulders as I slam the front door and set the bags at the door. "And you kept Googling shit and going to doctor appointments. You kept putting her before us and letting her be disrespectful, because she said she was pregnant with your child. I wouldn't have done that, and you're stupid to think that I would have."
"Yeah, and that's why Cameron was the one to tell me." I say quietly, walking to our bedroom.
I don't know why, but I'm angry at everyone. Leslie. Mel. Kerri. Terrance. I feel as though I got played. Although I have plenty of anger to go around, only one girl will be receiving it tonight.
Mel follows behind me. "Are you serious? If my baby wasn't yours, I would have told you. My plan was for him to take a test first, Jason. I didn't want to mess our marriage up, if you were the father." She tries to talk to me calmly, but I can tell by her tone that she's a couple seconds away from going off.
"You were being selfish. You would wait for me to get attached the full nine months, before revealing to me that you and him might have a child together." I don't know why I'm bringing up the past, when I told her weeks ago to let everything go.
By the look in her eyes, she must feel the same way. She stands in the doorway with her arms crossed, trying to hide the hurt in her eyes. She licks her lips a little and nods her head. "I was, but it's because I love you. Baby, I'm sorry that you're going through this. It affects us both."
It affects us both. This is hilarious. The only person it affects is me. Taking a seat on the edge of bed, I bring my gaze to her. "It doesn't affect you."
"It does and it has. Look, Jas, I'm not trying to do this with you tonight. I'm not. I'm sorry that . . . " Her tears instantly come to her eyes, causing me to roll my eyes. I swear I will never get her pregnant again. I can't take the emotional side of her pregnancy. Leslie wasn't like this. "I'm trying to be here for you, but you're pushing me away. I want this to be your son, but you've already done what you could. Now we have to wait." With that said, she walks away.
*****
How R U?
I take one look at Ashlee's message, before deleting it and putting my phone away. I will have to break things with her officially one of these days. It's been a couple days, since Mel and I had came home and Ashlee had texted me a couple times, trying to check up on me.
Mel walks into the kitchen and ignores me as she reaches inside the refrigerator and grabs a bottle of water.
"I have a study group to go to, so I'll be home a little late."
Mel doesn't say anything to me. I know that she is still a little upset with the argument that we had gotten into a couple days ago.
"So, um . . . I have my second interview at Target coming up. We need this job." I'm just trying to make small conversation with her to see how upset she's with me.
Mel walks out the kitchen without saying a single word. My guess is that she's highly upset with me. I debate rather or not to try to smooth things over with her, before taking off for the next few hours. I hate when we argue. I hate when we fight. I don't want to leave the house, while she is still pissed at me.
When I walk out the kitchen, I decide to put an end to our stupid argument. I started it, because of the foul mood I've been in. It's not Mel's fault that Leslie had lied to me. I just feel guilty about all the fuck ups that happened, because of Leslie's pregnancy. I should have denied the baby from jump and not been so happy about it. Finding Mel on the living room couch, I sit down next to her. She's watching some show on women talking about being pregnant. Since her being home, she's been watching shows like this.
I ease my arm over her shoulders and watch a few minutes of the show with her, before turning to look at her face. She is doing the best job in ignoring me.
"Are you scared of having this baby?"
"A little nervous. I'm nervous about being a mother. What if I'm not good enough?" She finally looks at me. "I'm also nervous about us and if she isn't yours. After you finding out that Leslie's baby might not be yours, I've been so scared about your reaction to this baby."
I nod my head at her words, because I can completely understand her fears. "I'll be okay."
"I really want to believe that, but it doesn't feel like it."
"You still feel alone?" She's made it clear several times that she felt like I wasn't by her side, or that she doesn't believe that I would still be here.
"Truthfully, Jas, I feel many different emotions. Since you finding out about Leslie, I've been trying to be supportive. It feels like I have to walk on egg shells with you."
"Yeah." I study her eyes. "I'm not mad at you, Mel, and I know that you're here for me. I'm just trying to deal with this. If it feels like I'm pushing you away, I don't mean it. I don't mean to hurt you."
"I know." She gives a sad smile. "And I really hope that he's yours. I'm not just saying that, because it sounds good. I just don't want to see you hurt anymore." She says, genuinely.
"I hope so too, baby." I give her a kiss on the forehead, before standing up. "I'll call you later. I love you more."
"I love you more."
"I said it first." I grab my bag off the floor and turn around to look at her. "Don't forget to make dinner."
"I got you, baby."