Melissa
"Baby, stop."
Jason pulls me into his arms as my mother and his mother talk with one another. I giggle as he gives me another peck on the lips.
"Stop what?" He gives me another peck.
I close my eyes as he kisses my lips again. He moves his arms to around my waist and continues to give me tiny pecks. The pecks turn into full blown kissing. Jason pulls back and presses his forehead against mine.
"You love me, Mel?"
"Always and forever."
"You trust me with your heart?"
I give a little smile that he is still bringing this up. "Yes."
He gives me a kiss on the forehead. "You better."
*****
It feels like a horrible nightmare that I'm in as Jason and I rush to Leslie's room. He's been trying like crazy to get here at Northwestern Hospital to see his baby born. I've been trying to keep up with him at the airport and it's really difficult. I think that he's forgetting that I'm also pregnant. Terrance had picked us up from the airport at a little after seven in the morning. We had managed to catch the fight leaving at five forty five in the morning.
I hate that I see excitement all in his face, when he showed barely anything at my ultrasound appointment. I'm not about to complain, because I really don't want to argue with him. Jason and I get outside Leslie's room and he suddenly comes to a halt. He turns around and smiles a little. He brings me into his arms and kisses my cheek.
"I swear that I love you with everything inside me. Thanks." I nod my head, unsure of what to say. If he wants me here, where else will I be? This is what love does to a person.
I can hear Leslie screaming and take his hand and nod towards the door. Her having his baby will forever change our worlds. I'm not sure, if I'm ready, but this is what I signed up for. Jason turns around to look at the door. He nods his head and squeezes my hand, lightly.
We walk into the room together, and Leslie is taking deep breaths. She just looks at us, but doesn't say anything. This is very shocking. I guess that she is learning to accept us.
Jason nods to a seat by the window. "Take a seat, babe. You've been trying to run with me. Relax."
I nod my head. He's right about this. I try to smile politely at Leslie, but I'm sure that I'm unsuccessful. I head over to the area that Jason was nodding at.
"How are you?" I hear him ask her as he eyes her.
"You made it." She says, weakly, smiling at him.
"I told you that I will." He says, quietly. "What's going on?"
"I'm almost fully dilated. We have to wait for me to get to ten, so I can push him out."
"Okay." I watch as he rubs her huge stomach. A tiny smile comes on his face and he looks at Leslie's face. "You need something?"
Leslie shakes her head at him, concentrating on her breathing. "I'm just hot and uncomfortable."
Jason nods, looking around the room. "Can I do something for you?"
"Push him out."
They share a laugh together. This whole thing is beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable for me. I know that he just tried to reassure me that he loves me, but this whole scene . . . I just feel like I shouldn't be here. They are about to have their first child together, and I can't help but to feel a bit jealous. I wish it was me that was having his baby.
The way that he is looking at her doesn't really help with my emotions. I keep my eyes on her as he wets a cloth and pats her forehead down a little. I am so fucking jealous right now. He probably won't be this nice to me, because we don't know whose child I'm carrying. Cameron will definitely be doing all this for me. Well, he would have. I really don't know what he would do now.
I snap out of my thoughts as the doctor walks into the room, and Jason introduces himself to her as the baby's father. Yet, he won't claim mine for even a second. Maybe I'm asking too much. I really don't know, but I don't think that I am. He said he wanted me back and he wanted our marriage, regardless of the child that I'm carrying. I don't even know why I'm hurting my brain thinking about all this. Just seeing Leslie here about to give birth to his child, is enough to make me realize that this may not be his girl. Leslie will always be a part of our life.
"I think that she might be ready to push."
I turn to the doctor, watching as she goes under the sheets. Leslie winces a little as the doctor checks her cervix.
"Show time." She smiles as she pulls the sheet up all the way up her leg, exposing her a little.
I turn away, listening as the doctor explain to Leslie how to push little Jason out. She gives instructions to Jason to hold Leslie's leg back a little.
Well, it seem to be going down, rather or not I'm ready.
I stand up, feeling a bit dizzy and lightheaded. "I'm about to get some water." I stand up and walk towards the door.
Jason looks confused as he looks at me.
I walk out the door and stand against the door, listening to the sounds of Leslie grunts and screams as she pushes Jason's baby out.
I walk completely away from the door. I love Jason more than I will love anything in this world, but this whole thing is a little too much to take for me. I'm not that strong to be able to deal with this. I don't know why he thought that I was. I told him that I would accept the situation for what it was, but I don't remember telling him that I will be here for the birth of his son.
*****
I sit on a bench outside the hospital, holding my phone to my ear. I tap my feet impatiently on the pavement, because I'm so nervous.
"What it do, ma?"
I smile at the sound of his voice. I haven't heard from Cameron, since the last time that we talked.
"How's the baby?"
He sounds like he really cares.
"Good. Um . . . When I went to my ultrasound appointment, they told me that I was having a girl."
"A girl?" He says with excitement in his voice. "For real? You got those ultrasound pictures? What are we going to name her?"
"I don't know. I haven't been thinking about names."
"Paris Angel?"
I laugh the name he suggested.
"Camille?"
This name makes me laugh even harder, thinking about the days where he used to be my Camille. "Camille. Did you ever think that you and I would actually be using this name?"
He laughs a little. "Naw . . . I can't say that I have. Maybe you can mail me one of the ultrasound pictures, or two."
I giggle a little. This is refreshing, because this is more than I had gotten from Jason. Instead, he likes to call it my baby.
"I might. I don't have to mail it, because we're in Chicago."
"Yeah? For what?"
I get a little quiet, wondering how much I should tell him. Fuck it. He knows everything about me. "She's having his baby right now. We flew out this morning."
"Oh . . . How are you dealing with that?"
"Weird." I get comfortable on the bench, leaning back. "I don't know. It's a learning process. This isn't easy."
"I know." He takes a deep breath. "Are you okay?"
I nod my head, although I know that he can't see me. I don't know if I'm okay. Since my appointment, I've been confused about Jason and I. I know what he said, but I also know how I feel inside. I don't think he can handle if this is Cameron's child.
"I don't know. Hate this."
"Hate what? Where you at?"
"I told you that his baby's momma was having her baby. I'm at the hospital. I'm just sitting out here, because I needed some fresh air. It's just so much to deal with right now."
"What hospital?"
"I'm not telling you that." I smile a little.
"Let's meet up so I can see my daughter's first pics. You know that she's going to be a cute lil' one."
"Not a good idea." What I really want to say is I'll meet up with him.
Jason hasn't done anything to make me want to run far away, but sometimes I do feel like I'm doing this by myself. The way that he looked at Leslie carrying his child, he has never looked at me like that. The last time he showed excitement about my pregnancy was when we found out.
"Well, I got a couple things for you. I'm glad you in town. I'll be at Block Party tomorrow night. Stop by."
Block Party. This does bring back fond memories. I shake my head. "Can't."
I'm not on this with him. I refuse to cheat on Jason again. As long as he gives himself to me, I will give him all of me. I see Jason walking out the hospital doors, looking around.
"I have to go. I'll mail you the pictures."
Cameron chuckles a little. "Alright, ma. It was nice hearing your - - -"
I end the call and stuff the phone in my pocket. I stand up and put a smile on my face. I will not ruin his mood, because I'm feeling like shit. I wobble in his direction and Jason sees me as I get closer.
"Everything's great?" I ask him as I step in front of him. I try to kiss his lips, but he takes a step back. Jason eyes me, and I look down. I immediately want to defend myself, because I don't know what's wrong with him. "I . . . needed some . . ." I clear my throat. I hate that I stutter every single time that I'm telling a lie to this boy.
"Mel, what's going on?" Jason interrupts.
"What? Nothing."
"Why are you out here?"
I look away from him. I so badly want to talk to him. It's really hard to be honest to someone you love, because you don't want them to feel any pain. And I know that he is literally doing his best. Sometimes it doesn't feel like his best is enough. I look back in his eyes and shrug.
"How is your son?" This is my attempt at changing the subject.
"Six pounds and four ounces. I held him." He gives a little smile. "He's amazing." He pauses for a second. "I left the room to check on you. You know that I love you, right?"
I nod my head. I do know this. "I know. I'm just a little jealous, I guess."
"Jealous?" He raises an eyebrow in question. "Why?"
"You don't act the same with me like how you acted with Leslie. I just wish you could be a little more excited about . . . her." I look down at my stomach. I lick my lips, nervously. "It just sucks that I feel like I'm doing this alone at times. I feel like I'm the only one happy about her arrival. I can't even be happy like I want to, because you're not."
I peek up at Jason and he is looking down at my stomach with a sad expression on his face. He looks back at me.
"I don't say anything, but I so badly want her to be mine. I just don't want to get my hopes all high. Ima love her regardless like she is mine. It's really hard to get excited, but it doesn't mean that I'm not going to stick with us."
"I'm not afraid of losing you." I admit to him. "I'm afraid that she won't have all of you. If you can't be her daddy, then step aside and let another man get excited about her arrival. Let another man be eager to know that she's coming. Hell, we haven't talked names."
Jason looks away from me. I know my words are hurtful. I also know that he is giving his best to me. He looks back at me. "We're not breaking up."
"I know. I didn't say that I - - -"
"You said step aside and let another man take my place. That's what you said. You said let another man get excited. Who, Cameron?" He narrows his eyes at me.
I shake my head, because I didn't expect for him to get upset. Tears quickly come to the corner of my eyes. Last thing I want to do is hurt him.
"Man, Mel, cut me some damn slack. Please. You want me to jump up and down over the fact that you might be carrying some other nigga's child. This . . ." He points to my stomach. "This is a constant reminder that you cheated on me. You slept with him and me so damn close together that you don't know if it's his or mine. After you slept with him, you came home to me and probably slept with me."
I chew the inside of my lip, turning my gaze away from him. My tears burn my eyes. This is all facts. I feel like such a slut bucket. I should have kept my thoughts to myself.
"Damn . . . Now I made you cry." Jason says, quietly.
I sniffle a little and wipe my tears with my sleeve. "It's cool."
"You want to talk names now? We can name her Analise."
"I don't need your charity." My voice cracks a little as I speak. I keep my gaze down on the ground. "I'll name my own baby." I walk away from him, heading in the opposite direction.
"Where you going now, babe?"
"To your parents' house. I mean, unless they don't consider me their daughter in law." I roll my eyes. "Enjoy your visit with your son." I didn't think that our talk will go down the way that it did.