Louis Tomlinson
Harry refused to sleep that night... he stayed up all night, no words being said. He continued to get high all fucking night. And I was having a hard time allowing it...
I stood in the back garden, smoking a cigarette. I knew fully well that if we had gotten away with this like those guys and Zayn had planned that Darren would be dead.
Zayn had been right... he knew that if we kept waiting something was going to happen; we all knew that. So, why was it such a big deal that we had played him at his own game for once? Isn't that what Harry had wanted all along?
Didn't he want the freedom he had craved for so long? Didn't he see when he lived in Darren's house and drove his car that this was what he wanted? I knew he didn't want it to end in this way... but it could've been him. Harry could've died. It may not have been tonight, it may have been days or weeks from now. But something told me that this guy wasn't going to ever let Harry go... not as long as he was alive.
Hadn't Darren proved that to Harry every fucking time he had turned up out of nowhere? Every time he had taken advantage of him? Hadn't he proved how obsessed he was by now? Didn't Harry see that even though Zayn and I did confront him, that he would only want to push himself on Harry more? He had always been that way.
Darren knew fully well what Harry's mind had come to... and I think that's what made me the angriest. He fucking knew that Harry was so manipulated by him that he could literally have him do anything... he fucking knew he had Harry caged.
Somehow, I couldn't regret this... I couldn't regret shooting him. And if he did end up dying, I wouldn't regret it. I just couldn't... not after what I had seen this 20 year old soul go through... the amount of times he had been crushed by him.
I closed my eyes, feeling them sting because I knew fully well how hard this was going to be for Harry to cope with... even though it shouldn't have been. He had even further to go in therapy now and that thought scared me.
I feared he would freak out at some point; that thought alone made tears fall out because he was already lying inside in our bed, high out of his mind to cope with what had just happened to Darren, the piece of him he was still struggling to let go.
"Hey," Zayn spoke up.
I wiped my eyes and turned to him, "hey."
"You alright, mate?" He asked me.
I nodded, "I just... I don't like seeing Harry like this... what if he blames me."
"Blames you?" Zayn asked, "do you think he's that bad off, Louis?"
I sighed and lit a cigarette, "I often wonder how bad off he is... it's like his mind is always in 2 places. And now... I don't know... I fear he might have a severe setback."
Zayn nodded a little, "I think that's probably to be expected... but you can't let him stop therapy, Louis. He cannot stop."
"How are you so sure we're going to get away with this?" I asked him.
Zayn shrugged, "I've staged sorts of things like this before... and those guys are very good at it..."
"You're joking," I said.
He shook his head, "I'm pretty good at it... and when I was told there was a drug deal, I just sorta knew... they wanted it to be a drug bust."
I stayed quiet, hitting my cigarette again.
"They're not going to come for Harry," he whispered, "alright? No one's gonna know he was there."
I nodded a little, "I fucking hope you're right, Malik."
"Look... just wait and see," Zayn said before he almost smiled, "but I think it's going to be alright..."
I looked back at him, trying to nod.
"How's Harry?" Niall spoke up next.
I looked at him in the doorway, "uh... he's... being Harry... staying high."
"Maybe you should go talk to him," Zayn whispered.
I took a deep breath before going in and opening our bedroom door, Harry sitting by the window, a joint in his hand.
"Hey," I closed the door and walked over to him, his eyes looking up at mine, "it's like 4 in the morning... we should try and get some sleep."
"I... I don't know what to think, Lou," he managed to get out, "I... I don't know how to cope with this."
I sat down in front of him, knowing how hard it was for him to get that out. "I know... and if you're pissed at me, then be pissed... but I wasn't going to let him get away with it..."
"So, you played him at his own game," he said back, his eyes not leaving mine.
I sat there, staring in those eyes, "Harry, from the moment I met you, I knew there were secrets to you..."
Harry bit his lip, then hit the joint again.
"I didn't realize how deep those secrets ran," I whispered, "and I certainly never saw this future happening... I didn't. I didn't expect to have to do that... I never saw it coming to this. When I met you that first day in class, no, I didn't expect this life... but I don't regret this at all... I... I can't regret doing what I did for you... because he deserved to be played for once... don't you see that?"
He closed his eyes and sighed, "I just... I can't... this didn't have to happen like this..."
"Harry, playing him at his own game was the only way it'd ever happen," I almost shouted at him, "you've gotta see that... you've gotta stop having feelings for him."
Harry glared back at me, tears falling out and I could tell how upset I had just made him. "He's dead, Lou. He's fucking dead."
"Yeah, and I get that it's going to take time before you ever get over it," I started, trying to be as calm as possible with him, "but, Harry, I didn't kill him..."
He sat back again, staying quiet. I didn't like this side at all. I couldn't sit here and do this; his mind was on him.
I got up and stormed to the sofa, lying down slowly. Zayn glanced at me as he came in from outside.
"Louis," he started, "he'll come around..."
I tried to nod, keeping my eyes on the tv in front of me... I lay there awake for hours like that. I kept waiting for some report to come in of what happened... the tension was killing even me.
And I knew somehow that Harry was still sitting in our room, feeling nothing but guilt all over again... when would this stop?
Zayn came downstairs at nearly 7, and I opened my eyes realizing I had dosed off at some point. Niall was sitting up from the love seat where he had apparently crashed.
"Arsenic," he replied quietly.
I glanced up at him, "what?"
He turned back to me, his arms crossed, "they burnt the flat to the fucking ground, Lou."
I sat up some, rubbing my eyes and trying to understand what he had just told me. Niall seemed to be doing the exact same.
"Harry," Zayn called.
"You're going to tell him now?" I asked.
Harry came downstairs slowly, his eyes red as he looked at Zayn.
"They burned down the flat," Zayn spoke walking over to Harry, "and he is dead."
Harry stared at Zayn, not even blinking. I couldn't handle this... all of it had gotten so out of control now...
Harry nodded a little, glancing at me, then going back upstairs.
"He's not going to be charged," I told Zayn.
Zayn shook his head, "no, he's not..."
I rubbed my hands together and sat still on the sofa, my mind completely lost in thought. How was Harry going to get over this?
A few minutes later, I was sitting outside, the sun shining overhead and a joint in my hand. The back door opened, and Harry slowly walked out to me.
"Hey," I said softly.
"Hey," he spoke as he sat down next to me. His hair was a mess still and his eyes were beyond red.
"I know you're not alright...," I started.
He picked up the cigarettes and lit one, his eyes staying off, "a few short months ago, I saw myself living someone else's life, Lou... for the first time, I realized what it had come to. I realized how much he had played me all these years..."
I stayed quiet, watching him.
"I... I can't explain why I feel like I do," he glanced at me, "but I did stand up to him... I had the gun to his throat... I... I was so overtaken by this side of anger that I had never seen myself even possessing. When I looked at him... all I could see was a demon that would never stop haunting me... unless I made it."
"You were going to kill him," I asked softly.
Harry blew out his smoke, his eyes staying down, "I was so angry... yeah, I... I really wanted to."
I nodded a little, "then, why do you feel guilty now?"
"Because I didn't want it to end this way," he looked back at me, tears falling again, "Lou, I didn't love him... you know that... but... I just..."
He stopped and closed his eyes.
"You can't accept the fact that he's gone for good," I explained slowly, "and that makes perfect sense... because even though you wanted him dead, Harry, you also didn't. That has to make sense to you by now... you can't help but feel that way... and you know that."
Harry nodded, sniffing a little, his mind drifting off again. And honestly, so was mine. We both had no words now... this situation was over, yes... Darren was gone... but when would he be gone from Harry's memory? When would Harry be able to get over what had just happened?
The next day in therapy, Harry wasn't himself before or after the session. I knew it. And it hurt to watch him suffer the way he was.
Zayn had texted to tell me there still were no leads on what had happened, other than it being a drug related crime.
And my mind couldn't help but think how Darren knew Harry was going to come to that flat... I was sure he had guessed he would.
No one even knew why a professor from this university was even wrapped up in what happened in that flat... and I was taking it that the truth would eventually come out somehow that he was the one responsible for all of it... how I wasn't sure.
"My mum called," I told Harry as we entered the flat. I was doing my best to enlighten his mood.
"Did she?" He asked slowly, "about what?"
"Christmas," I shrugged, going to the kitchen to make tea, "where's the lads?"
"I... I don't know," Harry mumbled, "I haven't talked to them really... other than hearing, 'are you ok' like a hundred times."
"They're just worried about you," I turned to him, "just like I am... because I don't want this to destroy who you're becoming."
"It's not going to destroy me," he whispered, "I just... I'm in shock, I guess. I don't know, Lou... I'm having a hard time letting go..."
I stopped and sat the kettle down, looking back at him, his eyes staying serious.
"I love you," he whispered to me, "and I know it probably hurts for you to hear that..."
"I expect to hear it," I whispered back, "and it's alright, love... I know who your heart belongs to... and I know who you're capable of being now..."
Harry leaned against the counter, a small smile finally, "do you ever wish you wouldn't have transferred to London, Lou? Do you ever wish you would've just stayed in Doncaster?"
I grinned a little, switching on the stove, "no... I don't... I'm glad I came... so that one day, I can move back, but with you."
I glanced back at him, Harry's smile widening. "That's what you really want?"
"It is, yeah," I managed to reply, "and I want a normal life with you."
"Normal," Harry almost smirked, "yeah, I like the sound of it... but when are you proposing then? Cause I don't know if I wanna just live together..."
"What?" I asked smiling.
He shrugged, "what? I wanna be married before we have kids."
"Jesus," I almost groaned as Harry continued to smile. But I needed that dimpled smile right now.
Zayn came in the front door a few seconds later, looking over at Harry, "you alright, babe?"
Harry nodded, "yeah... I'm... I'm good actually."
Zayn rubbed his shoulder gently, "stop feeling guilty... alright? Look, you didn't even have to get involved... you know that... they were set on doing it without you."
Harry tried to nod.
Zayn glanced back at me, "see you lads later, alright?"
He grabbed his jacket and left while I turned back to Harry, who was already looking at me.
"You sure you're alright?" I asked him softly, my hands going around his waist.
He placed his hands on mine, "I'm... I'm fine. Really."
"It's ok if you're not,"'I told him, "and I get it if you're not... but Harry... you aren't to blame, alright? You didn't plan this... we didn't plan this... they did.... they wanted revenge just like you did."
Harry bit his lip and sighed again.
"You just can't believe he's gone... right?" I asked him again, my voice breaking.
Harry stared back at me, "I... I don't know. I really don't, Lou... and I don't know why I feel this way."
I nodded a little, pulling him into me, "I get that... I do. And one day you'll understand why you feel this way... even more than you already do, because I know you already know you shouldn't have feelings."
"I'm not that far gone, Lou," he whispered to me, his head against mine. I held onto him tight, burying my face into his curls and closing my eyes.
I wanted all of this to go away for good now... but I knew it would never be that easy for Harry. This was going to be a long road that he would have to walk. But I was willing to walk it with him... because from the moment his eyes met mine in that classroom, I knew damn well my life would never be the same. And even through this, I had only realized how much I loved him even more. He needed me now more than ever.