Chapter Eighteen
Aiden
I emerge out of the shower. I grab my clothes from my locker, and put it on within seconds. My head hurts, and there's a dull ache in my muscles. I run my fingers through my wet hair. In the seventeen years of my existence, I've never had to deal with girl-related problems. And now, I'm in the middle of this drama that involves not one, but two girls.
"Hey man, can I get a ride today? My car's at the mechanic's so..." Damien comes up behind me, interrupting my train of thoughts.
"Yeah...sure," I murmur. "C'mon let's go."
"You don't sound very good, something up?" Damien asks, sounding slightly concerned.
I consider telling him about my dilemma. Usually if I'm in some sort of trouble, I go to Scarlett. She's pretty good at giving advice and stuff. But this time I can't. I sigh. Well, beggars can't be choosers. And I really need an outsider's perspective. "Yeah, there's this problem...C'mon I'll tell you about it on the way."
We walk side by side to the parking lot. On the way a bunch of girls from the cheerleading squad pass us coy smiles, and giggle as we pass by. Normally, I would have stopped by to engage in a conversation or two, leaving with their numbers. But one, I already have their numbers, and two, for the first time, I'm not interested in the slightest. Girls are a nightmare, and I'm already involved with two.
Once I start the engine of my Mercedes, Damien turns to me. Usually we'd blast out music. But today we're going to have a conversation. "So..."
"Yeah so, you know Scarlett, right?" I ask him.
"Of course I do. She's cute and all, but she can be a major bitch," he murmurs.
I glare at him. He raises his hands up in surrender. "So, what about her?"
"Well...I like her," I say slowly, taking my time, trying to understand the significance of those words.
"Ha! I knew it!" Damien says, suddenly jumping up. I stare at him, bewildered.
"Wait, what!?"
He shrugs. "I had a hunch that you guys were into each other."
"Wow, you're more observant that you look. But you're kind of wrong. She's not into me. I mean yeah, we've kissed a couple of times but...she probably doesn't like me like that."
"I don't know about that bro. Scarlett doesn't seem like the kind of girl who casually kisses just anyone. Anyway, what's the problem? So you like Scarlett, big deal! She'll give in sooner or later."
"I'm...not too sure about that. I don't think she will. If I had the slightest feeling that she would, I'd leave Hailey."
"Honestly? I think you're better off with Hailey. I mean, don't get me wrong, Scarlett's a great girl and all. But you guys...you just don't fit."
I frown. "What do you mean?"
"Girls like Scarlett...I'm only guessing here, but girls like Scarlett, they are the emotional kind you see in those movies, and read about in books. They get too attached too soon. A guy like you could completely shatter her, because let's be honest, you can really be an asshole when it comes to girls."
"No, that's not—"
"Don't even try to deny it. You've dumped more girls than anyone I know. You've had temporary fun with them, and when they started getting too attached, you ran for the hills. Do you really think you'll be able to handle a girl like Scarlett? You'll break her heart the first chance you get."
"No I won't! I—"
"You will Aiden, you will. And how do you think she will handle it, huh? It'll completely break her. She's better off without you, and you know it." I try to argue again but Damien doesn't let me. "Hailey on the other hand, she's a tough one. She'll not only kick your ass if you mess with her, she'll be able to bounce back once you break heart. And you know you will. It's inevitable. You get bored too easily."
I glare at him. "You're supposed to be my friend!"
"I am your friend, that's why I'm being one hundred percent honest with you."
I hat the fact that what he was saying is a hundred percent true. He is right. I would hurt Scarlett. And that would not only ruin her, it would also ruin everything between us.
"The truth is that Scarlett's too good for you. And you don't need someone like that in your life. After all, you're not looking for love. You're just looking for fun. If you really care about Scarlett, you're going to leave her alone. Go back to Hailey. There must be something special about her. After all, she made you want to be in a relationship in the first place. Keep your distance from Scarlett, and focus on your girlfriend. You'll move on in no time."
I wish I felt better after knowing what I should do. Instead, I felt worse. I don't want to distance myself from Scarlett. I'm not sure I can do that—
Which is precisely why you should do it Aiden. Back the fuck off before it gets too late.
Yeah, yeah that's what I should do. I should back off. Besides, Scarlett doesn't even like me. She keeps pushing me away.
But the way she'd looked at me in the dance studio...
It meant nothing. She doesn't like me. It meant absolutely nothing.
I sigh. If walking away from Scarlett is the right thing to do, why does it feel so wrong?
Scarlett
Have you ever wanted time to speed up, things to go faster? Like that time when you were stuck in the middle of a boring lecture and you wanted the bell to ring already. That's how I feel right now. I can't wait for the clock to strike eight, so that I can finally meet Aiden at the city park. He called me a few hours ago, requesting me to meet him there so that we could talk face to face. Since then, I've been constantly dreaming up different scenarios inside my head about what might happen once we meet.
I haven't felt this strongly for anyone—ever. I've had my list of crushes, but this, it's so much more than that. These feelings are stronger, deeper. And I don't want to give up on them, give up on the first person ever who made me feel like this. Like I said, I want my first love to be my only love. But is this really love? How can I even know? This sure feels like what those heroines in those romantic books and movies feel.
I don't know; I'm just scared. I don't know if I should embrace these feelings with open arms or deny them. I just don't know. I guess today would finally seal the deal—I will finally know what I should do, be with him or simply try to move on.
"Are you sure about this Scar?" Susan asks me. She's plopped on my bed and is munching a cheese sandwich.
I groan and shut my eyes close. "I don't know Su, I don't know anything. This is just too much, it's making my head and heart ache, but in a good way."
She scoots over, so she's sitting next to me. "I just want you to be careful, that's all. I don't want you to get hurt."
"I don't know about that. Every time I decide to tell Aiden how I feel, something happens that fucks it up, and makes me realize why I shouldn't."
"I just don't want you to get hurt. Is Aiden really worth all of this?"
"I know the answer to it—he isn't. Aiden isn't anything special or extra-ordinary or perfect. He hurts me yes, but he also makes me really happy. He gives me butterflies and when I'm with him I feel complete, and happy. My happiness is worth it, isn't it? It's worth the risk. This is worth the risk. And even if I do get hurt in the process, the small little chance of me getting what I want, the chance of me getting him is worth the risk and all the pain that is associated with it." I reply.
Susan sighs and passes me a sad smile. "Oh Scarlett, I think you're falling in love with him."
I want to refuse; tell her that she's mistaken, that it's just a crush. But I don't. For the first time I feel that there could be some truth in her words.
****
The park where I'm supposed to meet Aiden is close to my house. It takes me approximately ten minutes to walk there. All the while I'm walking; my heart beat keeps increasing randomly, until it gets impossible to breathe. I have to stop every once in a while and pacify my thoughts.
When I finally reach the park, I realize I've arrived earlier than decided, so I go and sit down on one of the swings. It's still 7:45 PM, and it'll be another fifteen minutes or so before Aiden arrives.
And what then? What happens after then?
Pushing off all the negative thoughts that threaten to sadden me, I try to think positively. I lightly swing on the swing and enjoy the fresh cool breeze that makes my hair fly. I can see the pale white moon in the distance, covered by grey clouds.
Please, not tonight. Don't rain tonight.
It's not that I don't like the rain. I love it. I love the delicious smell of the wet earth that comes with it, and the beautiful water-droplets that settle on plants making them look greener. I love how the wind gets cooler and the minuscule drops of liquid that bombard your skin. I love the rain, I do. But the rain can also be very depressing, like one's mood—dark, gloomy and cold. I don't want this night to be anything like that.
Aiden
Scarlett glances at her cell-phone to check the time; it's still five minutes to eight. I've been standing here, behind these bushes and trees for the past ten minutes, staring at Scarlett; analyzing her, trying to build up the courage to do what I'm about to do.
I stare at her, at her wavy dark brown locks flying carelessly in the wind. I get this intense urge to run my fingers through them, to caress the soft skin of her cheeks, to look into her beautiful eyes and kiss those impossible-to-resist lips one last time.
I could make this easy. Instead of walking away from her and simultaneously breaking my heart in the process, I could choose to stay. I could risk it all, and see how it goes. Maybe, just maybe, it'll all work out. Maybe I won't break her heart. Maybe she'll be the one, the girl that finally changes me. Maybe this won't affect our friendship. Maybe.
But that 'maybe' is a big 'maybe.' A 'maybe' I can't risk. So I slowly step out from the shadows, willing myself to do what must be done.
Scarlett notices me almost immediately. Getting up from the swing she was earlier sitting on, she runs to me. Her eyes are wide with anticipation. She's trying to look composed, but I can see the hint of uneasiness on her face. A second later, her expressions morph into a more placid one. She steps closer to me, and a waft of her heady perfume invades my senses. The urge to bury my face in the curtain of her hair overpowers me.
"What's wrong?" she asks, breaking my train of thoughts.
"You, me, us—everything," I say. I'm already starting to hate myself for what I'm about to do. I'm completely torn.
"What?" she asks, a hint of anxiousness creeps into her voice.
"You're an amazing girl Scarlett, really. I mean it. You're beautiful, smart, passionate..."
"But? I know there's a 'but' coming. What is it?" She sounds a little apprehensive now. Her forehead is marred by a bunch of creases, and her beautiful brown eyes are looking intensely into mine.
I take in a huge breath, and begin.
Scarlett
"But this can't go on. This has to stop. I don't know what we have—we had—but it's got to stop. You and me...it's not possible. We're not possible. This—this...flirtationship, it needs to end right now." My heart stops beating in my chest as I hear these words roll off his tongue.
"We're just so wrong for each other. I'll never be able to give you what you want. I'm not that kind of guy. These relationships...they don't mean anything to me. I do them for fun. For you, they're so much more than that. You're looking for dreamy little happy-endings, and all I can give you is an inevitable goodbye. That's how it is for me. I can't change. Not for you, not for anyone." The stark reality of it hits me then. He can't change. He won't change. If he really, truly, had feelings for me, he would at least try. But he's not even willing to do that.
And that's when all the air abandons my lungs. I literally don't breathe for half a minute, before gasping for air. Tears blur my vision, and all the warmth leaves my body, leaving me cold.
He steps closer to me, putting his hands on my shoulder. "You deserve someone so much better than me Scarlett, someone who will give you exactly what you want. Someone who's capable of giving you love, and—"
I stop listening to him. Why does it have to be so hard, so complicated? I don't want better. I want him—only him. Why doesn't he understand?
Tears threaten to spill down my cheeks as I step back, not able to bear the warmth that's slowly seeping down my arms, as he touches me there. I stare down at my feet, not able to meet his eyes. I feel so humiliated and used. Was it all a lie, or did he just change his mind? Did it mean anything to him? Those stolen kisses, those tender touches, those secret smiles, did they at all? Was he just having 'fun' or did he ever, even for a single moment, feel something for me?
"It's okay. Like you said, we're not good for each other. I'm not hurt. I had no substantial feelings in the first place. This...whatever it was...was nothing," I say.
Lying—it's so easy to do it. Maybe that's why Aiden does it all this time. No substantial feelings? Who am I kidding? It wasn't even a crush. It was so much more than that, so much more. But he doesn't need to know that. He doesn't need to know anything. He doesn't need to know that he has single-handedly crushed my heart into a million tiny shards.
I feel his hands softly push my chin upwards, so that my eyes lock into his. But it hurts. So I look away, blinking away the tears. I won't cry here, not in front of him. He doesn't need to know how much I love him.
Love him.
Wow, I love him.
The sudden realization of the true extent of my feelings makes my pain even worse. Why did I have to realize how I truly feel in the midst of this heartbreak? Why did I have to realize it at all? I was better off ignorant. I was better off unaware of the fact that Aiden was like the air I needed to breathe, to survive.
"Scarlett, I'm sorry"
How many times will you say it Aiden, how many times?
I shake my head. "It's okay, don't be sorry about it."
"You'll find someone better," he says, and passes me a soft smile before pressing his lips tenderly onto my forehead. Somehow this gesture hits me harder than any of the kisses we've shared. This seems more real, more genuine.
"Of course I will! I'm amazing, am I not?" I try to smile, but it pains me to do so. This is so easy—lying, pretending like his words and action are not affecting me.
Suddenly, he freezes. "What now?" I ask. I'm this close to having a cardiac arrest. I just know that this. Whatever it is, is going to be much worse than what happened earlier.
I'm not sure I'll be able to handle it.
Aiden
"I can't—I can't be friends with you."
Okay, so that's not how I'd wanted it to come out. It sounds all wrong now. I wanted to tell her that I needed a little space, some time away from her to get a grip over myself, to get my shit together. God knows its hard being so close to her and controlling myself, forcing myself to remember that she's my best friend and that I need to stop. To continue being so close to her will only lead to trouble.
But like the idiot I am, I've screwed up.
I am about to clarify myself when Scarlett speaks up. "Hailey told you to stay away from me, didn't she? She doesn't want us to be friends anymore."
I gape at her. I'm about to tell her that that's not why I'm doing this. But I stop. It'll be tremendously easy this way—letting her think I am doing this because of Hailey. It leaves no room for questions or doubts. Besides, in a way it is the truth. Hailey had given me an ultimatum—to choose either her or Scarlett.
I guess I've made my choice.
Scarlett
Aiden nods, looking slightly grim. "I've got to make a choice. It's either you or her and—"
I feel the pain leave my body, hate and anger replacing it instantly. "And clearly you've made your choice—her," I say coldly. He's not able to meet my eyes. I instantly step away from him, increasing the space between us.
"Scar—"
"God, I can't believe you! I hate you so much!"
"Listen—"
"There is nothing to listen, okay? I can't believe I cared for you and wanted you when all this time I meant nothing to you. Was this all just a game to you? You had your fill, and now you're taking the first exit you can. I get that you don't want to be with me; but our friendship? How can you throw it away? How can you throw it all away?!"
Angry tears spill down my cheeks, but I angrily wipe them away. He extends his hands to touch me, to calm me down, but I slap it away. "Don't touch me! I hate you! Just leave me alone!"
"Scarlett please, listen to me—"
"I don't want to listen to anything! Just go, leave me alone, like you intended to do all along! Just let me be!"
He wants to argue, I can see it in his eyes. He wants to stay. But when he sees my determined expression, he knows he has lost the battle. "What did you call us—called what we had—a flirtationship? Yeah? Well this flirtationship is over—officially. So now you can fuck off!" His shoulder slump in response, he sighs, and without further ado he turns around and leaves.
I head back to the swing, which is moving due to the cold breeze and sit down on it. I stay there for what feels like hours, not moving, just the same words repeating themselves again and again, stabbing me like a knife.
You're not good enough, not for him, not for anyone. You deserve to be alone. That's why he chose her over you.
I know it isn't true, at least not all of it. But when your brain constantly tells you the same thing again and again you sort of start to believe them. Maybe I am not good enough. Maybe that's why he chose her over me.
It starts raining in a few minutes, but I remain frozen there on the swing, not moving, barely breathing, but definitely not crying. After the first few tears that spilled, I didn't cry at all. I refuse to cry. I won't cry—not anymore.
'No man is worth your tears, and the one that is won't make you cry'
I sigh. I wish I'd know he wasn't worth all that crap I went through. I'd just thought he was different, you know? Don't we all? We think this exact same thing before we trust a guy or start falling for him. We think he's different, and that it'll be different this time, that he won't hurt us. Or we think that we'll succeed in changing him. We're usually wrong, and then we start blaming ourselves for being stupid. I guess that's what I'm doing now.
The rain gets heavier and the rain drops fall continuously, more and more, making me shiver due to all the cold and wetness. But I still refuse to leave. I really need to be alone.
Of course, that doesn't happen.
A few minutes later, I'm surprised to see Susan in front of me. She has an umbrella with her. She grabs my hand and pulls me up. "What the fuck Scar!? Why are you sitting here in the rain, do you want to fall ill?! C'mon now!" I follow her silently as she takes me to her car. The umbrella succeeds little in saving me from the rain. We reach her car within minutes. She quickly yanks open the door to the passenger seat and shoves me inside before heading over to the driver's seat. She immediately turns on the heat, start the engine and we're off.
"God, how can you be so stupid? We all were worried sick, wondering where you were. Thankfully I knew where you were going, and so I came here in time."
"I'm sorry," I mumble, staring out of the window, losing myself in my thoughts.
Susan puts one of her hands on my shoulder, soothingly. "Hey, it'll be okay. We're going talk about what happened, because I know something did. But first, you need to take a nice warm shower and have a cup of hot chocolate." I nod, not saying anything. The rest of the ride passes in silence. I don't let her turn on the radio; I'm not in the mood for music.
At home, after mom scolds me a bit for being so irresponsible, I head to my room and take a long warm shower and emerge outside, being greeted by a delicious cup of hot-chocolate. While sipping the tasty liquid, I discuss the events of the night. My voice comes out bare and emotionless; I don't shed a single tear. I've promised myself today that I won't because of him anymore.
Susan listens to me wide-eyed. Then she starts muttering a string of very colorful curses, aiming them at Aiden. She gets up, threatening to beat the absolute shit out of him.
"Susan, sit down. You're not going to do anything. The deed has been done. There's nothing left to do. There's nothing that I'd want to do. It's done. I'm done."
And I was.
Done.
*