(Recommend this song for this chapter, especially towards the end.)
Louis Tomlinson
"Louis,
I'm really sorry I didn't wake you. I know you're going to be really pissed at me for not allowing you to go with me. It's not that I didn't want you to. It's more about me needing to do this myself. I hope you can understand that.
I've lost myself, yet, while I stand here jotting this down for you in an attempt to keep you from getting Niall to drive you to find me, I realize that I'm slowly finding me. And it's amazing that you have found yourself. I have no idea how I could have helped you become yourself. But I am honored it was me. I promise.
So, please, text me. I promise I'm coming back. And I hope you will really understand why I did this alone. Because circles are meant to be broken. Patterns are meant to be changed. (I found that note in your pocket by the way. I'm glad you kept it.)
Love you. H "
I wiped my eyes slowly as I finished Harry's note, Niall standing a few feet away, his arms crossed and his face miserable.
"Wow," I managed to say out loud, my eyes staying on the H at the end. It wasn't like me to cry in front of anyone, but this was different.
"How long ago did he leave, Niall?" I asked him, finally looking back at him.
"Bout 2 hours ago," he replied, "I'm waiting on a text from Zayn."
"Zayn?" I asked, "why Zayn?"
"Because he texted me and told me he was going for Harry," he whispered. "Said he was going to Darren's to get him."
I closed my eyes and sighed, so many horrible thoughts crossing my mind; was Harry alright? Was he still there? Was he hurt?
I tried not to let the anger get the best of me, though it was becoming harder with every passing second. I wanted to scream; I wanted to throw everything I fucking could.
What if something really bad had happened? And he had went without me? What if he had went and I never saw him again? My mind was filled with horror as I stood there, my fingers to my lips, trying to remain calm.
I walked back to the bedroom and grabbed my phone, dialing Harry's number immediately. He probably knew that I would.
It rang about 4 times and he finally picked up, "you're awake."
I felt more at ease hearing his deep voice on the other end. I sighed out and bit my lip, thankful he was ok.
"You're alright," I said into the phone, Niall standing in the doorway listening, "Harry, why the fucking hell..."
"Did you read the note?" He asked me.
"I... I did," I managed to reply quietly, "but you could've been killed..."
"I'm fine, Lou," his voice cracked when he said it and I knew he was anything but fine right now. "We'll be back in just a minute, alright?"
I wanted to ask about Zayn but now wasn't the best time for that; I was more worried about Harry's definition of fine; how did he look?
"Alright, love," I finally said back in a whisper, "I'm... I'm glad you're alright."
"You know me," he said softly, "I always survive."
"I want to be so fucking pissed at you," I sighed into the phone before smiling a little.
"I know you do,"he whispered back, "but I had to do this alone..."
I bit my lip and stayed quiet for a few seconds. "I love you, Harry."
"I love you, too," his reply was soft. "See you in just a minute."
I ended the call and turned to Niall who seemed happier knowing he was alright.
"They'll be back in a minute," I said slowly.
"So, he and Zayn are ok?" Niall asked.
"I guess," I shrugged a little, my nerves still on edge. I walked over to Harry's box and pulled out a joint, then opened the balcony doors and lit it.
Niall made his way over, his arms crossed while he glanced up and down the busy streets.
"What's gonna happen, Louis?" He spoke up, his eyes on me when I looked back, "what's going to happen to Harry? This can't keep going on."
I looked back out at the cloudy skies, wondering how I even answered a question like that.
"I don't know, Horan," I managed to reply finally, my eyes staying off in the distance, "I really don't... I want to kill the fucker, though..."
Niall didn't say anything. I felt like his silence was confirmation that he felt the exact same. I was positive he did. Niall wasn't much of a fighter or anything; and he didn't show when things bothered him, as far as I knew.... except this. It bothered Niall to see Harry going through this.
What was happening to Harry wasn't only tearing Harry apart; it was tearing us all apart.
No wonder Harry had never opened up to anyone. No wonder he had chosen to push everyone away; for him it was simpler. He was the only one carrying the burden... and he hadn't wanted anyone else to carry it but him. He didn't want his best friends knowing the hell he was still going through, even if he was trying to cut ties with the bastard.
He didn't want us worried about him.
"He's a lot different, isn't he?" I spoke up, turning back to Niall. His eyes met mine, "Harry, I mean... once he's honest."
Niall nodded a little, "yeah, he is. I never knew a lot of this... I mean, some I knew because I saw it."
"Saw it?" I asked him curiously.
He sighed and pointed to the joint. I gladly offered it to him. He took a huge hit and breathed it out before continuing, "I've seen Darren with Harry... more than once, Louis. I just never said anything."
"Yeah, well, they didn't use to be discreet," I mumbled under my breath, shaking my head.
He nodded a little, taking another hit, "I remember one night though... Harry had left the pub saying he felt like shit.. Darren wasn't there with us. I came home early thinking, you know, I'd check on him..."
I lit a cigarette and watched him closely.
"Harry hadn't expected me to come home early," he spoke, glancing down at his feet, "and... well, it's not something I'll ever forget... Harry was telling the guy to leave and he wouldn't listen..."
I bit my lip and glanced back at the streets; I was filled with rage and heartbreak. No one deserved to go through what Harry had gone through.
"Harry thanked me, though," Niall turned back to me, "and he asked me not to say anything..."
"Thanked you?" I asked confused.
"Yeah, well," Niall started as he shifted uncomfortably, "I wasn't about to let the fucker do anything to him... Harry was high. Darren was doing his best to take advantage of him. So, I made a point to let them know I was home... and thankfully the bastard left..."
He stopped again and shook his head.
"You did the right thing, then," I whispered to him.
"Then, in Dublin, the way he was acting with Harry in public when we were drunk... it just really made me wonder what he was really like," Niall started again, clearing his throat after saying it.
"Was it bad?" I dared to ask him.
"No, but they clearly clashed a lot," Niall looked back at me. "Harry is still Harry when he's drunk... he's not violent, you know that... you've seen him. He dances and shit..."
"He's a teddy bear," I laughed a little, fixing my fringe, my cheeks on fire as I couldn't help but think of his smile when he was drunk; the way he wanted to cuddle into my neck, just a giggly mess.
"Yeah, he's carefree," Niall laughed, before his smile left, "Darren isn't like that... in the slightest. I mean, he could be, but it was like he could be set off easily, if that makes sense. And it was like Harry seemed to purposely set him off... I didn't know why..."
I wasn't sure how to reply to him. I managed to mumble out an, "oh," while I kept my eyes off in the distance.
"They just never really seemed to have a good relationship," he went on, "maybe when he was younger... he wasn't around me much then. Just Zayn."
"Why did he take Darren to Dublin, though?" I asked confused.
"Well, it wasn't just him," Niall looked back, "it was their 2 friends and some of mine."
"Their 2 friends?" I asked, "Darren and Harry's? They had mutual friends?"
"Yeah, 2 girls that were always around," he nodded, "they knew Darren really well and, well, they got to know Harry because he was always around. The 4 of them were together a lot..."
"Wow, didn't know that," I said softly, "would explain the one photo I saw on his computer."
"Yeah, they loved Harry," he said back to me, "treated him like their little brother... although I think Lola always had a thing for him. She was a constant flirt with Harry..."
"Doesn't surprise me," I rolled my eyes but smiled. "How old is she?"
"Oh, she's 30 now," he laughed, "I don't think Harry ever did anything with her... Harry has never went after a girl since I've known him."
I laughed a little and shook my head. But he was right. That wasn't Harry at all. He really couldn't give a fuck about girls. It was absolutely amazing to me that he was that sure of himself... that he knew from the time he was young that he was different and he accepted it.
Niall's face turned serious again while he looked down, "I wanted to ask Harry why... why this guy was even in his life. I mean, I had no clue. And we all noticed it, but I guess we didn't realize just how deep Harry was into it... we really didn't think it was anything like what it was..."
"I can see why," I spoke, "he comes off as just your ordinary professor when you first meet him... at least until you put him in a room with Harry. Then, well, it's easy to see."
"Yeah...," Niall sighed, "I think it upset Zayn more than anyone; he knew what Harry was doing and he knew Harry didn't need to be doing it. He tried to talk to Harry several times... he wouldn't listen to him."
"Harry told me that," I whispered.
"Yeah, sad when you're picking someone else over someone you're supposed to know so well," Niall said sarcastically.
"Harry was young," I looked back at him, "and this guy was promising him the world.. Harry couldn't see what he was underneath yet. He really thought he cared about him, as crazy as that sounds."
"I believe it," Niall said, "cause Darren was all Harry cared about it for a while."
I stayed quiet, not knowing how to reply to that. Yeah, I knew that to be true, but it hurt either way. The fact that Harry ever cared about him hurt, because the bastard never cared for Harry. He only cared about showing Harry one side of him, until he made Harry feel comfortable enough with him; that wasn't uncommon with stalkers, or predators.
Then, once Harry was so far in, he showed him who he really was.
"Uh, Liam and Sophia said they'd be back tomorrow," Niall said, breaking my thoughts.
"Oh, that's good," I said quietly, my mind not focusing on anything but Harry right now. I wanted him back here with me already.
Niall and I were still standing on the balcony a few minutes later when Zayn's car was pulling in to park. My breath caught in my throat for a moment; I wasn't sure I was ready to see this.
Niall and I waited by the front door, Niall holding it open and glancing down the hall for them.
I stepped out and looked as well, seeing Zayn and Harry coming from the elevators. The closer Harry got to me, the more I was losing it; he didn't look fine at all.
Zayn glanced up at me first, before walking in the apartment with his bags. Then, Harry... he stopped beside me in the doorway and once again, his face was covered in blood, as was his shirt he had on.
He turned his eyes away and walked in and to the bedroom.
I closed the door as Zayn was standing there, his hands on his hips and his eyes on the floor; he was breathing heavily. He was pissed. I could tell... because I was feeling the exact same at the moment. I was trying to listen to the reasoning in my head that was telling me killing Darren wasn't the right thing to do... but it was right to me. And I knew Zayn felt that way, too.
"What happened to you?" I managed to ask Zayn as I looked his face over closely.
He glanced back, "some of Darren's guys, in Dublin..."
He stopped and leaned against the table, his eyes watching the bedroom door. He was worried about Harry, just like I was.
"You went back for him?" I asked him quietly.
He looked back, nodding a little, "I did, yeah."
Harry came out of the bedroom, going straight to the bathroom holding something in his hand.
"Harry," I started, but he just closed the door. I bit my lip and tried to hold myself together.
And Zayn looked to be doing the same. I had never seen him look this pissed before. He wanted to commit murder... it was obvious.
"What happened?" Niall whispered as he looked at Zayn.
Zayn didn't look back at him. He pulled out his cigarettes and lit one. "What always happens to Harry, Niall?"
"Should you smoke in Gemma's apartment?" Niall asked quietly.
"I don't give a fuck," Zayn snapped back at him, "alright?"
I stayed quiet... all 3 of us did. This wasn't easy at all. You could cut the tension and the overwhelming anger that was in the air with a fucking dagger.
I walked over to the bathroom door and knocked, "Harry, can I please come in?"
"Just give me a minute," he said back, sounding as if he was crying. My heart broke even more as I closed my eyes and leaned my shoulder against the door.
I'm sure he didn't want us to see him like this... and from looking at Zayn, I'd say I knew why; he knew Zayn wanted the bastard dead as much as I did.
"Please... let me in," I whispered, "I... just need to see you..."
A few seconds past and I heard Harry unlocking the door slowly. I opened it and stepped inside, Harry's face covered in water, the sink running. He was washing his face off slowly, his eyes staying on the mirror.
He looked absolutely terrible. He didn't even act like Harry at the present moment; it was killing me to watch him like this.
"Let me help you," I offered as I got a cloth for him.
He took it from me slowly, his eyes not meeting mine. "I think I'm gonna shower."
"Need me to get you anything?" I offered, not knowing what else to say.
He shook his head a little, starting the water. "Can you just give me a few minutes?"
He kept his back to me as he said it, and I reluctantly agreed, "sure, love."
I stepped out of the bathroom while Harry cracked the door, then undressed slowly. Zayn and Niall were on the balcony talking and Zayn looked anything but happy right now.
I stood against the bathroom door wondering how in the hell this would ever end.
Harry was in the shower now and I could see him through the shower curtain... and it was like a knife going through me when I looked at him; his head was under the water and his eyes closed... and every few seconds you could hear his sobs.
This broke me... out of everything I had watched this boy go through, this... this was the worst, in my mind. He was standing there, hurting and crying, to himself. And I wondered how often this had happened in the past.
What was I supposed to do? I didn't want to stand here and do nothing to help him... I couldn't. My heart and my mind was not letting me. My eyes were full as I finally blinked and let my tears fall down slowly. I stepped back into the bathroom quietly and closed the door.
Harry was still oblivious to my presence thankfully. I climbed in the shower behind him, fully clothed. I didn't care.
I placed my hand on his shoulder gently, and he flinched for a second, then looked back at me, his eyes red. He pushed his wet hair out of his face and sniffed.
I didn't know what to say to him and he obviously didn't know what to say to me... he just stood there staring at me, his tears rolling down his cheeks.
I pulled him into me, wrapping my arms around him tightly as he did the same. He nudged his face into my shoulder and stayed silent, except for the sobs escaping his throat.
My tears fell freely as I held him, knowing I could feel the pain he was feeling at this present moment. He was hurting so badly that he didn't know how to even deal with it; neither did I.
His body was shaking as he cried into my shoulder, and I completely lost it as well. This was killing him; it was killing me. And I couldn't bare to feel this pain... I couldn't bare to feel his pain... because I could. I could feel how much this was crushing him... how much it was breaking him.