Date: 31st January, 2016.
Edited on: 23rd June, 2016.
#3 in Teen Fiction list, as on 29th January 2016.
It's 3am and I'm tired as hell. Also, tomorrow is Harry Styles' birthday :) Oh and my exams start.
"You will never love anyone as deeply and recklessly as you did
with your first love. And you will never feel anything
as agonising like your first heartbreak. You'll end up
putting a wall up so the next time someone
comes around, you'll be wiser.
You'll never feel anything as extreme as loving
someone for the first time and loosing them.
And during your sorrow, you'll wonder why
you even loved at all. And the answer is simple.
It all comes down to one thing, you just didn't
know any better."
ALASKA'S POV
I was in the same old, cold place which was pitch dark. I spread my hands out and walked forward, searching for an exit to get the hell out or at least a light switch. The palms of my hand touched something cool and rocky. I slid my palms around stroking the wall to find a light switch. I found it and the light illuminated the room.
What a turn on.
I looked around the place. It was dirty and had dust all over. I walked around, feeling colder by the second. Looking around the room was of no use, so I walked out. The hallway was dimly lit. The place looked so familiar. I knew the way around. It then struck me that it was my home.
I walked towards the kitchen to get something to drink. After having water, I was walking upstairs to my room when I heard some unusual voices. Someone struggling perhaps?
I looked around searching for the source of noise but I could find none. My eyes widened when I realised where the noises were coming from. I sprinted towards my parents room. As I got nearer, the voices got louder.
I'm not going to lie at all, the voices were scary and trust me on this when I say I don't get scared easily. I turned the knob, preparing myself for the horrible, sight I would see. The door wouldn't budge however hard I tried to twist he knob. When I was into two minutes of trying to open the door, the other side became silent.
I could hear footsteps approaching towards the door and I stepped back. Suddenly, a guy opened up the door and pulled me in. My eyes widened and fear crept into me when the realisation sinked in. It was the same guy from my dreams before.
I looked around and saw my mom all beaten up and it wasn't a sight I would want to see. Along with her, my father was pretty bruised up too. I flinched and tears formed into my eyes, I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't give the guy the satisfaction of seeing me cry.
"What? Aren't you cry today?" The guy asked me.
My parents were there, beaten up, looking at me dumbly without saying anything. I was terrified of what would happen next and then the guy slapped me for 'ignoring him'.
Who was he, the queen of England?
I gave him a glare and the finger. It got him all riled up. Instead of hitting me, like I expected him to, he turned towards my mother.
"Oh you got to see this now, you bitch." He said giving me a stink eye.
I distracted him so they could escape and they were still here!
He hit her in front of me and i winced. I couldn't do anything. I was held back by his partner in crime. He went ahead, now hitting my father. I screamed in protest. I begged him to leave my family out of it. I struggled. I kicked around. But k just couldn't get free.
They guy took out a gun and shot my parents in front of me.
Next, they dragged Kyle in and shot him. The bullet went right through his head and he fell on the floor with a thud. The blood pooled around him and I cried, sobbed. I witnessed my family die. It was so scarring and gorey. I watched them bleed to death.
And then he aimed the gun and pulled the trigger. He shot himself.
+ + + + + + + + + +
I woke up panting. Like I always did.
I cried. Like I always did.
I thought of calling someone. Like I always did.
I felt weak, worthless and tired. Like I always did.
I thought of everything wrong in my life. Like I always did.
I cried more. Like I always did.
It was 4:48am. I couldn't sleep. I wouldn't sleep. I was bent over on staying awake. I laid on my back again and stared at the ceiling. It was colourful, like my life once was.
I remember Blaze and I had painted both of our ceilings because apparently, white was too dull. We had painted it in all bright colours fading into duller ones. It was one of my favourite memories with Blaze. We both were covered in paint from head to toe day. Old times, old times.
I stayed there, on the bed thinking about everything and nothing at once as my alarm went off. The first thing I did was make myself a cup of coffee. Since I was early, I made some effort to look presentable. I put on some jeans and a sweatshirt instead on my sweatpants. I left my hair open instead of putting them in bun. The makeup was usual. Mascara and kohl only along with a simple touch of lip balm.
I skipped breakfast, too upset to eat.
Liam beeped the horn of his car twice and I walked out, covering the breakfast I made for my parents and picking up the bag on my way out. As I got into the car I nodded at Liam and closed my eyes. I didn't feel like talking to anyone today.
Anyone having problem with me and my mood swings can go fuck themselves.
Liam got the memo and we drove to school silently. I got out of the car, Liam following shortly behind. We attended our usual classes with me being extra quiet and moody.
Lunch rolled around soon. We all sat around the table. The voices of people talking made my head hurt. I folded my arms and rested my head of them, using them as cushion. I could sense Blaze nearing us and sitting across me. He smelt heavenly as always. I missed him. So fucking much. It hurt.
I felt his fingers tap my head so I discreetly wiped my face on my sleeve, getting rid of the tears and looked up. He looked mildly shocked, because of my red and swollen eyes, I guess.
"Can I talk to you for a second?" He asked me.
Oh so he wants to talk now? And then it hit me. The phone call. I knew he didn't want me to feel awkward in front of others so he asked me to talk in private.
I simply nodded my head, too tired to speak and followed him outside, into the hallway. It felt weird to be with him alone but not awkward. Never awkward.
"You called me up last night." He spoke, his voice soft.
"Um, yeah. Yeah. I um, did." I spoke looking at him.
"Why? Is everything all right?" He asked.
"Um, uh. Yeah. I found out I'm pregnant with Liam's child and I had no one to tell." I pulled the sleeves of the sweatshirt and whispered to add some dramatic effect. God, I hadn't messed with him in a while. I honestly missed it.
After I told him this, long gone was the person who was so soft-spoken just a while ago. His whole demeanour changed. An angry aura surrounded him. He got mad, so so mad. His whole face transformed. There was fury burning bright in his eyes.
"Are you fucking crazy?! I don't talk to you for a month and nineteen days and you go get pregnant?! What the hell Nov?" Blaze spat angry.
My heart fluttered. He called me Nov. And he had been counting the days.
I wanted to carry on more, mess with him but his shouting gave me a migraine and the anger in his eyes scared me so I settled for, "Geez, learn to take a joke." while rubbing my temples.
He looked less mad but mainly relieved. "What the fuck Nov? Don't scare me like that." He said. I knew if I wasn't having such a bad day, he would get angrier and shout and yell and give me a lecture, but he understood. He kept his anger under control. And thats what I loved about him. He always cared about me a little more than himself.
I just gave him a weak smile and shrugged. "Hadn't messed with you in a while."
"Okay, it's fine. Nov, I know that you wouldn't just call me at 4 in the morning for pranking me when we weren't even talking, so tell me what's up?" He said.
"Uh, nothing. Just a bad dream. You know, the usual?" I replied in a timid voice, scared that he might insult me again.
Instead of all that he just asked, "What happened this time?"
"Got my parents getting hit, abused. Saw my brother getting killed because he was shot in the head. Saw my parents bleed to death and the captivator shooting himself. I couldn't do anything. I was held captive." I said, feeling weaker by the moment as I recollected the dream again.
Blaze stood there speechless. He didn't know what to say. I think he didn't imagine my dreams to be this bad. In the end he just pecked my forehead, told me to take care and walked away. Just like that, without even once turning back. I thought we'd be back on talking terms after this but no, we weren't and it sucked.
I went back in the cafeteria for the remaining period of lunch and when I sat down, Liam spoke up, "Were you both making out or what?" wiggling his eyebrows.
"Ew, first, don't do that. And second, no, we weren't." I said defensively.
I then noticed Blaze was nowhere around. Must have gone to find the 'Girl of The Day'. Whatever. Doesn't matter. Or does it?
I entered home and set my bag near the door, taking off my shoes. I entered the kitchen to get something to eat because I was super hungry. I noticed mum sitting on one of the stools and I greeted her. She smiled back warmly. I made myself toasts and a coffee and sat opposite her once I was done.
We talked for a while and I decided to tell her about the dreams truthfully when she asked me why did I look so tired all the time.
I traced the border of the cup with my thumb and spoke up after a short silence. "So I have been getting these dreams. Bad dreams, nightmares, whatever you want to call it. They're just so violent, y'know? Always ends up in me dying. And sometimes, I see myself but as a five or six year old, getting hit, abused, and I don't know what to do. How to stop. I can't. I refuse falling asleep. I don't get much sleep. Two or three hours tops and it is just so and." I ended it with a exhale.
Mum listened. Carefully. But by the time I mentioned me seeing an younger version of me, she stiffened and then, avoided my gaze.
"Uh. It may just be a phase, it shall pass." She said not looking up.
"A phase? Phase?! I thought at least you would understand mum!" I raised my voice.
"I do, honey. But I don't think they are flashbacks." Mum replied, looking up for the first time.
"I never said anything about flashbacks." I shot back.
Her eyes widened by a fraction, for a second but I noticed. Something was up and she wouldn't tell me.
"What is it that you're hiding? Tell me." I said
"This is nonsense. I'm not hiding anything." Mum said, rudely.
"You're a liar. I know something is up and I'll find it out." I retorted back.
"Alaska November White! You will not talk to me in that tone of yours and mind your tongue." She shouted.
"Then tell me what you know!" I told her, getting frustrated, pulling at my sleeves, can't Bering my fingers.
"There's nothing I know. But there is something I can do. I'll take you to therapy for these dreams." She told me, her voice lowering in the end.
I was mad at her but I thought over it. Therapy? What could go wrong?
"Fine." I replied curtly and walked out of there, making sure to slam the front door.
There was something mum was hiding and won't tell me. But why? Was it possible they were flashbacks? Or were they just fragments of my imagination?
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Sooo there. Views people?
All the love,
Pia xx
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