Harry Styles
"Thanks, love," Louis was telling the barista as we got our coffee. We had gotten our luggage and were now waiting on my sister and my mum to pick us up.
I watched him sipping his coffee slowly, his grey beanie on his head and his fringe peeking out from under it. He caught me staring and smiled. I grinned and drank some of mine before glancing around the busy airport.
"Has she texted yet?" He asked me, picking up his bag.
"Not yet," I replied taking my phone out, "they should almost be here. We can go wait outside if you want."
"Yeah, I could use a cigarette after that rather turbulent flight," he smirked.
"It was pretty bumpy," I laughed a little and threw my duffel over my shoulder.
We walked slowly to the front entrance, pulling our suitcases behind us.
We got outside and Louis pulled out his cigarettes from his duffel, taking one out before handing the pack to me.
"Thank you," I told him as I lit one then stuck the pack back in his duffel on his arm.
He just smiled a little and looked around, "is it always cloudy like this? I'm guessing yeah?"
"Yeah," I nodded glancing around, "the weather is shit in nearly every part of England, you know."
"It is," he sighed with a smile before glancing back at me, "you alright? You've been pretty quiet... even before we got on the plane."
"I'm fine," I replied quietly, "just preparing myself for this."
"Hey, you're making it worse than it really is, I'm sure," he said, gently rubbing my back before hitting his cigarette again.
"You're probably right," I sighed and pushed my hair back.
"Need your meds?" He asked.
I grinned at him, "no, I'm good. But thank you."
"No problem," he replied, "really don't want you having an attack or something while we're standing here."
"I'm fine," I smirked, "but thanks for thinking about me."
He nodded and hit his cigarette again, watching several cabs pulling in and out.
"I'm glad you're here," I said, his eyes meeting mine again, "it makes this much easier. You have no clue."
"We haven't even seen your mum yet," he chuckled a little.
"Yeah, well," I started, "you keep my mind off of things this way."
Louis licked his lips again and smiled as he put his cigarette out in the ashtray.
I put mine out and my eyes glanced up to see my mum's car pulling up. The anxiety and nervousness was rising again.
Louis looked back at me, then over to where my eyes were looking. His hand slipped in mine and squeezed it gently.
"Come on, love, you've got this," he whispered.
I nodded and gave him a small smile and grabbed my suitcase.
Gemma hurried out of the car as we walked over to where they had parked.
"Hey, you two," she greeted.
"Hey," I smiled and hugged her immediately.
My mum stepped out next and her smile was radiating as she stared directly at me.
"Hey," I whispered as I walked over to her. I stood still for a minute just staring at her, but the smile never left her face as she stared back at me.
"I've missed you," she finally said quietly, tears in her eyes.
"I've missed you, too," I managed to say. I threw my arms around her and hugged her as she lay her head on my shoulder, "I'm sorry, mum. I really am."
"It's alright, babe," she whispered, "it's alright. I'm just thankful you're ok."
I closed my eyes and sighed as I hugged her tight. Seeing her, hugging her, made me realize what I had missed for so long.
My mum had been everything to me growing up. She had been my support, my comfort... she was the only one there for me at certain times in my life. And now, as I stood here holding her, the reality of what my life had become had hit me all over again. I hated myself for pushing her away for so long. I hated myself for avoiding the one person who had always believed in me and loved me, no matter what I had done.
I let her go, her smile still there as she pushed my hair back. Tears fell out of my eyes and it only made her own fall more.
"Harry, it's alright," she said sincerely. I tried to nod as I sighed. "Let's get home and we can chat, alright?"
"Alright," I replied. She hugged me again, holding me tight, then let me go and turned to Louis.
Louis was grinning at me looking proud as I introduced them, "mum, this is Louis Tomlinson. Louis, this is my mum, Anne."
"It's very nice to meet you," Louis said, smiling as he walked over.
My mum hugged him, "it's good to meet you as well, love. I've heard wonderful things about you."
Louis grinned at me as she let him go. He and Gemma had put the suitcases in the trunk already and the 4 of us piled into my mum's car, heading for my old home.
Louis was great at making conversation and making Gemma and my mum laugh. He had eased any tension I had felt. He was going on about our bumpy flight, how different Cheshire looked from Doncaster. He even told them about me taking him to the Rovers game. I could tell by my mum's face that she already loved him.
We pulled on our street and I glanced around at the familiar houses. I remembered playing with my childhood friends in those houses.
"How's David and his family?" I asked my mum as we got out of the car.
"Well, David moved off," my mum began while we gathered our bags from the trunk, "his parents still live here."
I glanced over at the house next to ours, remembering playing in that front garden with David. We hung out in school up until I was 16... after that I began pushing everyone away.
"Would you like us to help carry up your bags?" My mum asked me.
I stepped in the doorway and looked around at this familiar, yet distant place. I hadn't been home since before I turned 19.
"Uh, we can get them," Louis spoke up for me, "which room is Harry's?"
"It's the one on the right as soon as you reach the top of the stairs," mum replied as I stood there in the living room looking around.
My eyes were darting over all the photos of me and Gemma. It all still looked the same to me, except my mum didn't have any photos of me from 18 on.
I buried my hands in my pockets trying to contain what I was feeling. I was selfish. I had been beyond selfish to her... all because of Darren.
Gemma and Louis had taken the bags up while I stood there staring at photos of me, my mum watching me.
"It's good to have you home, Harry," she spoke up.
I looked back at her, searching for the right words to say. I wasn't sure I even knew what to say.
"I'm... I'm sorry," I finally got out, "I... I never meant to hurt you like I did, mum."
"It's alright," she nodded stepping over, "really. Gemma told me you were having problems."
"It's not alright," I sighed and pushed my hair back, "I could come up with a million excuses for you, but they'd be just that... excuses. I shouldn't have pushed you or Gemma away like I did."
"Harry," mum started as she grabbed my hand, "stop. Don't be so hard on yourself."
I bit my lip as tears fell again while I looked around at this place that used to be my home.
My mum hugged me, rubbing my back gently, "it's ok, sweetie. You're here now, alright?"
"I should've always been here," I whispered, "I don't even know where to start, mum, or how to even tell you why I stopped calling."
"You don't have to explain it all to me," she said and let me go, placing her hands on my cheeks, "you're here and you're ok. That's all that matters to me, alright? And you look amazing, dear. You seem like you've taken good care of yourself."
"I... I haven't really," I mumbled out and sighed, "but I'm trying to now."
"I love you," she said with a smile, "and I've always loved you. I never stopped and I never will. You're still my baby."
"I love you, too," I said and wiped my eyes, "and I'm so sorry."
"I know you are," she nodded a little, "but everything is going to be fine, babe."
I was honestly wishing I could believe that. But I didn't. I still felt so uneasy about everything... yeah, I was trying to make things right with everyone, and trying to change who I was, but that didn't change the fact that Darren wouldn't leave me alone.
"Do you wanna sit down and talk?" She asked me quietly.
I heard Louis and Gemma laughing while they came back downstairs.
"Uh, yeah, I'd love to," I replied, "I... I just don't want you to be disappointed in me by what I tell you."
She nodded and smiled a little, "I'll put on some tea and we can sit down and chat."
Louis walked up beside me while my mum and Gemma went to the kitchen. He immediately started looking at all the photos of me hanging up on the walls and the ones sitting on the fireplace.
"Look at you," he smirked as he picked up one photo of me when I was about 7. "Weren't you just adorable?"
"I guess so," I grinned and stood next to him looking down at it, "that was right before my 8th birthday."
"You can tell by this photo that you would be a heartbreaker some day," he laughed a little before placing it back. "Does your mum have photo albums?"
"Oh, God," I groaned as Louis snickered.
"What? Come on, Harold. I want to see them."
"She has plenty, I assure you," I replied.
"Sick. I'll have to ask her to sit down and show me each and every one," he grinned and gave my waist a squeeze.
"You would," I shook my head laughing, "I'm sure Gemma has loads of embarrassing ones as well."
"That should be fun," he said, his face beaming. "Your room is quite spectacular as well, love. Can't believe you had the same posters as me."
"I told you I did," I looked back at him, "kinda odd, isn't it?"
"Not really," he smiled a little, "at least we do have some things in common."
"Yeah, suppose so," I said quieter. "She... she wants to talk, Lou. And I honestly don't even know where to begin with her."
"Maybe... maybe you should just tell her the truth," he stated, "I mean, I know you didn't want to tell her everything... but it seems you and your mum had a really great relationship, Harry. Just like you and Gemma."
"We did," I whispered and turned back to the family photo of us above the fireplace. It was taken when I was 17; it was the last one we had done before I moved off. "But... if I tell her about him, about everything, I don't know... I just feel like she's going to hate me."
"Then, go with your heart and tell her what you want," he said, his fingers gently caressing my arm. "You decide, Harry. Alright?"
I bit my lip and tried to nod, but I felt horrible. I didn't know if I could bring myself to tell her about Darren, about any of it... the people I had gotten mixed up with, the things I had done... it wasn't as easy as telling Gemma. This... this was going to be much harder to do because it was my mum.
"Gemma can distract me with photos while you chat," Louis spoke up, and I was positive he was trying to enlighten my mood again. He was always great at that.
"God, really?" I asked him smiling, "fine, I guess it's better than sitting and listening to the two of you laughing at me."
"We won't laugh, I swear," Louis winked at me and headed into the kitchen.
I followed him slowly as he went on about my mum's photo albums.
"Yes, we have plenty in Robin's study," mum was saying, "I can go get them for you."
"Where is Robin?" I asked her.
"He had a business trip but should be home later tonight," mum smiled at me, "would you boys like to go out for dinner? We can go to Harry's favorite little place."
"I'd love to," Louis spoke up first before turning to me, "Harold, up for it?"
"Uh, sure, yeah," I nodded.
Gemma looked over at Louis, "I'll get the photo albums for you while they talk."
Louis smiled and put his hand across my stomach rubbing it gently before he followed Gemma out of the room.
Now, it was just my mum and I... I knew this was going to be hard to do.
She sat down the cups of tea before looking up at me, "do you wanna talk outside on the patio?"
"Sure," I replied softly.
We took our tea outside onto the back deck and I looked around the fenced in garden that I used to play in. Everything looked so different now to me.
I sipped some of my tea before sitting it down and staring at my hands.
"Did Gemma mention anything to you?" I managed to ask her while my eyes stayed fixated on my fingers.
"She told me a bit," my mum answered, "told me you were having issues with someone who wouldn't leave you alone."
I sat back in the seat, wishing I would've taken my anxiety meds for this.
"Did she say who?" I asked quieter, looking at my mum. She shook her head a little. "Do you remember professor Johnson?"
She sat still for a moment, then finally nodded, "yes, he was one of your teachers."
"Yeah," I whispered, "he... he followed me to London, mum."
I stopped and closed my eyes, putting my hands together. This wasn't easy at all.
"He followed you?" She asked, "he's working at the university?"
I nodded but didn't look at her. I kept playing with my rings, "he showed up about a month or so after I started... he's the reason..."
I stopped myself again and looked off at the trees; I didn't know how to just say what I needed to say.
"It's alright, sweetheart, you can tell me," she reached over and took my hand in hers.
"Mum, I was stupid," I sighed out, "I was really stupid. I... I got mixed up with him and... well, I just made a lot of really idiotic decisions..."
"But he followed you from here?" She questioned, "was it intentional?"
"It was, yeah," I mumbled out, "he... when I was 16, he was at the party David had at his dad's house across town... I don't know if you remember it..."
"I do," she said softly, "you went with David and a few others."
"Yeah, well," I started again, "I... I drank too much... Darren was there. And I had talked to him a lot because he had come to the bakery on the weekends and had chats with me. I... I didn't think it was a big deal at the time. But... he... he made a move on me..."
I bit my lip and kept my head down, struggling to finish the sentence. My mum gripped my hand tighter and I tried to continue.
"I... I said no, but I was drunk," I sighed out, "and, well... it just happened. Even though I told him no."
My mum sat still, tears standing in her eyes.
"Why... why didn't you tell me, Harry?"
"I didn't tell anyone," I whispered looking away, "and I regret that. Because when he walked back into my life, mum, in London, I was stupid enough to forgive him... and that's why I stopped coming home, or calling. I... I lost myself in this crazy lifestyle of his. He offered me everything. And I didn't tell him no."
She sat in complete silence and I was hoping she wasn't mad at me. I knew my mum, though. I knew she wouldn't be mad... but I knew how much it hurt for her to hear those words from me.
"I'm sorry," I said looking back at her before wiping my eyes, "I really am, mum..."
"Don't apologize," she quietly said, "Harry, you make mistakes when you're young. Everyone does... I'm just... I don't know what to say. I wish you would've told me."
"I wish I would've told a lot of people," I mumbled, "but I didn't. And when I started in London, he was a different person, or at least he wanted me to believe he was. And I did believe it. I felt like he was a great friend for a while, and that he really cared about me. He treated me like he did. But it was all lies... and he kept a lot of things from me that I found out later. Needless to say, I've tried a million times to stop talking to him. It's never worked..."
"Then, go to the police," she interrupted.
"They wouldn't believe me," I sighed out, "he's a professor... they wouldn't believe me."
"You don't know that..."
"I'm not going to the police," I said back, "I'm nearly 21 now and most of this shit I asked for myself because I chose to get involved with him."
"How do you expect him to leave you alone, then?" She asked.
"I... I haven't talked to him in a few days. I'm just ignoring everything he sends me," I replied quietly.
She nodded a little and wiped her eyes looking away.
"Mum, it's not all his fault," I admitted, "I wanted to be friends with him... I did. I liked hanging out with him. It's just that... after awhile, he changed and he wasn't the same. Or maybe he was always like that and I was just blind to it. He wanted me to believe he had changed."
She shook her head slowly, tears still falling. "I'm... I'm so sorry, Harry."
"Don't be," I said as I got up and hugged her tight, "none of it was your fault. It was all mine. And I'm sorry if I have disappointed you... I have a million regrets, mum, but what I regret most is pushing my family out of my life. I was selfish, I know. And I'm so sorry for that."
She held onto me tightly, not saying anything for the longest time. And even though I felt better getting it out in the open, I still felt terrible inside. And I couldn't imagine how she was truly feeling.
"Mum," I started as I kneeled down in front of her, "I'm alright though. I am. I'm honestly better than I have been in a really long time. And I'm doing my best to make this right. I hope that you aren't upset with me. I know that I made bad choices... and you're probably disappointed in me..."
"I'm not," she interrupted, touching my cheek, "Harry, you've always been a strong boy; a very special young man. And I am in no way disappointed in you. I promise, sweetheart. But, as your mother, it hurts to hear this. Because you wish you could take all of the bad things away that your child goes through. It's just natural... and knowing what you've gone through now, and that you suffered in silence, only hurts me more. Because I would've helped you..."
"I know that," I managed to say through sobs, "but it's ok. It's the past. And I'm not living in the past now. I'm... I'm trying to start over... I'm doing my best to become the person I used to be."
More tears fell from her eyes while she stood up and pulled me in to hug her.
"I love you, Harry," she whispered, "and I'm happy you're alright."
"I will be," I said back softly, "I will. And I will never push you away again. I promise. I don't want to live like that anymore, mum."
I pulled away and stared in her eyes, "I want a different future... and part of that future is standing inside with Gemma right now."
My mum finally smiled a little, "I was expecting to hear that at some point. He seems truly wonderful, babe. He really does. He seems like he really cares about you... and he really loves you."
"Can you tell?" I asked chuckling a little and wiping my eyes.
"I can see it, yes," she nodded, "I can see how he feels for you. I see what you feel for him, as well. And I couldn't be more thankful for that."
I smiled a little, "I love you, mum. And I'm sorry."
"It's alright," she said, "I love you... no matter what you have done. You've always known that, Harry."
"I have," I said softly, "I knew deep down you never stopped."
She smiled more and hugged me again, "I'm proud of you."
I bit my lip and sighed into her shoulder. I wasn't proud of me, in the slightest. Was I going to be stupid enough to go back to him again in the future? Could I guarantee to myself that I was done with that life? No matter how many times it came out of my mouth that I was finished with him, I still wasn't sure that I was.