We're sitting at the breakfast bar now. Hayden poured himself a drink while I ate my food and overthought how I was going to break down everything that happened without upsetting him too much. I feel like he's going to be angry that I've kept it from him but I at least want to lessen the blow. "A while ago, I was approached by Elijah and—"
"Elijah who?" He interrupted.
"Elijah Jenkins. Do you know him?" He only nods in response and signals me to keep going.
So he wasn't lying about knowing Hayden. At some point, before I fell asleep, I started to believe that Damon has orchestrated this whole lie as another way to trick Hayden into losing everything. I'm not sure how that would be possible but I never truly know the extent Damon would go. "He claimed to have done a DNA test on Naomi and said she was his child and he was going to take her."
I pause to gauge his reaction but he doesn't show one. His face remains impassive but the way he picked up the glass and swallowed down his liquor tells me he's already irritated by where this is going. "So I did a DNA test on her to see if what he was saying was true."
His eyes shoot up at me from the drink in his hands, "How?" The calmness of his voice is surprising when I know he's anything but calm on the inside.
"I asked Geoff for help."
"Alice," He sucks his teeth. "Why would you go—"
"Let me finish Hayden." He nods not saying another word. "The test showed that you are her father. So today after we left the office I went to his company to talk and ask him why he lied."
"By yourself?" He's interjecting at the strangest times and asking questions I didn't think would be important to him. I thought he'd be seething with anger or say something when I said Elijah wanted to take Naomi. But he's worried about asking if I went out to see Elijah alone. He truly is strange.
"I was going to but I told Geoff what I was doing and he said he would rather take me."
"Do you trust Geoff more than me?"
I was stunned by his question. I know that I have depended on Geoff a lot but it isn't because I trust Geoff more than Hayden. "Why would you ask me that?"
"I don't know. You went to him about this when you could have come to me."
"Oh no," I answer as I put one of my hands over his, interlacing our fingers. "It's not that I trust him more Hayden. You have other things to worry about. I wanted to make sure it was true before I bothered you with it."
"You should be able to tell me anything, baby."
I choose not to comment on his words. I know why I didn't tell him about it. Sometimes I feel like I need to protect Hayden, to be his savior. I wanted to take care of his problems so he wouldn't have to. It's funny when I think about how far I would be willing to go for this man.
"Well," I continue with my explanation. "When we got there and I went to go talk with him, your dad was there."
"What?" The previous impassive expression he wore was replaced with worry. He's not scared of his father anymore but he knows as well as I do that the man is capable of doing anything to get what he wants. Nothing and no one is off limits to him.
"He had your dad come here to help him get Naomi from you. Damon said he was going to handle the situation. He also said some other things but none of it is important."
"What did he say?"
Having to repeat the rest of it will only make me think too hard about it. I should have never even mentioned that he said other things. Hayden is just as nosy as I am and would never be able to let it go until he knows every detail. "He said that I was pathetic for taking over Naomi's care as if she were my own after everything you did and what happened between us. And that you paid to have sex with Una."
His brows furrow but I'm not sure if it's the first statement or the second one that's causing his reaction. "For starters Alice, and I'm sure this isn't what you want me to go into details about, but I never once paid her anything. She showed up at my office the day I was released to talk about their publishing house wanting to write a biography or tell-all. I don't know why but after the meeting, she offered herself to me."
"Wait, what do you mean she offered herself. She's an escort?" I ask him without thinking. "Never mind. Please don't answer that."
I never wanted to know any details about their exchange. But now that Hayden answered, I'm curious and feeling confused. Did Damon make up a lie about Hayden paying for her just to mess with my head? Or is Hayden the one lying to me? It's not like he hasn't lied to me before when it came to Una.
The longer I dwell on Damon's words, the more I start to believe that he's right about me. I'm weak and pathetic. Even after everything, I would do anything for Hayden. I moved to a whole different state for a fresh start and somehow managed to move back after getting pregnant to be with him. And now I'm caring for and loving the daughter that came from the woman he cheated on me with. The more that I sit here and think about all of this, the more stupid I feel.
"As for your relationship with Naomi or coming back to me, it's not as black and white as he or anyone else may assume. Sure, the circumstances for how she came to be were unfavorable but you chose to look at Naomi as an individual. A child whose mother decided that she didn't want a role in her life. You chose to step up for her and that had nothing to do with me. A thing my father will never understand is doing something for someone purely out of love. Your heart is big despite the pain and hurt you have experienced from me or anyone else. That doesn't make you pathetic, my love. I hope you don't let what he says alter anything in your heart. You have the purest heart Alice, and you're willing to make sacrifices for the sake of others. I could only wish to be like you."
With worry overtaking his features, his hands cup my cheeks as his eyes search my face. It's as if he already knew exactly what I was thinking. "Don't let him take that away from you. I know what he can do to a person's mind."
I can feel the unwelcome tears strolling down my cheeks and onto his fingers as my heart and my mind battle the conflicting thoughts that now swarm inside me. I've had negative thoughts about coming back to this Naomi, Una, and Hayden situation when I first moved back but it never felt this bad. I've never once regretted my choice until now. It's like Damon's words allowed me to see all of the warnings against this whole relationship for the first time.
"Don't let him get to you, baby."
I think it's too late for that.
"I will find my father and Elijah and put an end to whatever they're plotting." He hugs my body close to his pressing kisses onto my head. "You don't have to worry about it anymore, my love."
__________________
I know he told me not to worry, but each night that passed when he stayed out late or I didn't hear from him my anxiety was working overtime. Our life has been proceeding as usual with Hayden coming home at his usual late morning hours, but now that his dad is here, I am worried for him. I know that he has Wade and Geoff with him, but I've still been on edge. I'm worried that one night, he won't come back home or he will come back to me injured. These thoughts keep me up at night, tossing and turning until he's finally in bed beside me.
Every so often I think about what Damon said but I try not to dwell on it for too long. The more I think about it, the more troubling it becomes for me. I've considered scheduling a virtual appointment with my therapist from LA, but I can't bring myself to do it. There are some hard realities she's always tried to force me to look at but I've always purposefully blinded myself and got defensive. I even convinced myself and everyone around me that I was making progress but by understanding how the system works, I knew how to play my role perfectly. Well . . . until the wedding when I saw Hayden again.
After the night we spent here on Reign's wedding day, I should have been more aware of what I experienced. I should have realized the signs. It's just that when it came to Hayden, I could see nothing but him and me.
Checking the notifications on my phone, for what feels like the millionth time, I grunt, annoyed that the text sound was a message from my mother and not Hayden. I almost consider ignoring her 'are you up?' message but I respond yes and she video calls me immediately.
I sigh and answer with a smile on my face, "Hey, what are you doing up?"
"I'm calling because I have some good news." Her current boyfriend, Anthony, pops his head into the screen causing her to laugh. "Well, we have good news."
"Hi, Anthony, it's good to see you again." I find myself laughing with them. It's lovely talking to someone in good spirits, especially since I've been feeling so down.
"Alice, dear, how is everything with you?" He asks. I haven't met Anthony in person yet, but I like the way he makes my mother happy. And I am even more grateful that he is around her age. I was barely able to get through David marrying Rosalie. I don't think I will be able to sit through my mother committing to someone young as well.
"We can talk about me later," I laugh lightly. "What's your good news?"
"We moved in together today!"
"Oh!" I knew she was very serious about him but I never thought she would commit to anyone else after my dad. There's not much I can say to her but I do feel good knowing my mom isn't out there in California miserable and alone like she claimed she would be when I moved back. "That's great—"
Before I can finish my sentence, she speaks over me, "And we're married!"
Holy shit! Married?! That was quick.
"Oh I-I. . ." I stuttered, unsure of what to say. "Mom, I'm so happy for you guys. That happened so fast."
"I know it's a lot to process at once. But you should know that Anthony and I decided we were committed to each other, we love each other, and it's not necessary to waste any more of our time."
If there's anything that I can understand, it's that feeling of loving and accepting your partner and all that they come with where you want to settle down with them despite the amount of time that you've known them.
While I don't have as much information about what Anthony is like, I want my mother to follow her heart. I want her to experience love and happiness again after my dad passed away. She deserves a good life full of love and contentment and all I can hope is Anthony can give it to her.
"You don't need to give me an explanation, Mom. I wish you guys the best and bliss in your marriage and your new home."
"You're too sweet, Alice. Thank you."
"How did it happen?"
"Well, he asked me to marry him this morning."
"I planned to take things slow," Anthony interjected. "I started with a helicopter ride at sunrise and breakfast on the beach where I asked her to marry me. I thought we'd get engaged and move in together and have an intimate wedding ceremony a few months from now."
"But I said why wait? Let's do it now." My mom speaks.
I can't tell who is more impulsive when it comes to the men we love, me or my mom.
"So we went to the courthouse and there you have it. We're married!" Her excitement is palpable and it makes me smile. I love how giddy she is. After the tough years that we had together in LA, I couldn't be more than happy for her that she found happiness and love again.
"I tried to get her to call you earlier but she wanted to pack up her apartment first to start her move into my house. But, I'm going to get back to working on these boxes, I'll leave you two to talk. Talk with you soon."
"Of course." I smile. "Congratulations to you both!"
My mom waits for a moment to let him leave the room before she speaks, "Okay Alice, what's going on with you? I didn't want to say anything in front of Anthony but you don't look yourself."
"Nothing, I'm just a little stressed out lately and I've been struggling to sleep."
"How long has it been?"
"Since I lost the baby."
"Do you want something to help you sleep?" It's always great to have a mother who can prescribe medication for anything at her will.
"No, thank you, Mom. I think if things can just go back to normal I will be fine."
"What do you mean back to normal? Is something wrong between you and Hayden?"
"No. Not really. We're fine-ish."
"That's not a thing." She laughs. "Things are either good or they aren't."
"It's like we're fine but we're not having sex so we've just been avoiding each other. Well, I don't know if he's avoiding me like I'm avoiding him, but he's been working late and going out for drinks more. But we can still be in the midst of each other like normal without any awkwardness."
"Why aren't you having sex?"
"It might sound dumb to you but I'm afraid of having sex with him or the idea of getting pregnant again and failing him."
"No, it's not dumb Alice. I'm certain you know this already but you'll be surprised how common that is among women who experience a miscarriage. It's a psychological fear you put up after your feelings of inadequacy as a woman, his partner, and a mother. You have to take it one step at a time. Have you talked to Hayden about your fears?"
"No, but he knows I'm not ready to have sex yet and he's been good about it."
"You sure about that?" She questioned. She wouldn't be herself if she didn't say something to bring up his addiction. "You and I both know Hayden has an addiction."
"Mom, don't start. I don't need you adding any more stuff to my head. Hayden has been doing good."
"Fine." She huffs. "But if you want a non-prescription remedy for your insomnia, have an orgasm. Release some oxytocin and prolactin and put yourself to sleep."
"I'm going now. Thank you for listening and congratulations again."
"Take care of yourself, Alice. I don't want to have to worry about you."
"I'll be fine, goodnight."
"Goodnight." She blows a kiss into the camera before ending the call, leaving me alone to my thoughts again.
Except now, I have to think about Hayden cheating because I'm not putting out. Whenever Hayden comes home, I'm usually asleep or pretending to be asleep to the point where I end up falling asleep. We haven't talked to one another or touched each other in a while. There were times when he thought I was asleep and would kiss my hair when he got into the bed, but aside from that, our intimacy has been pretty much nonexistent. The last time he tried anything was the night I informed him about what happened with Elijah and his dad. And the time before that was when I cried when he thrust himself inside me once. I know that my fears are to blame for the lack of intimacy but I'm afraid to ask if all these days that he's been going out if he's been faithful. My mother was right, Hayden is an addict. He's been controlling himself but what if it's been too long? I don't think he would do something that major to threaten our relationship again, but given his addiction and our history, I can't put it past him.
Fuck. I don't want to think about this. I check my phone again but there's still nothing from Hayden. I send him a text asking when he's coming home before I put my phone down on the nightstand. I'm not too proud to say my mother might have given me some good advice. Maybe I should just do it to take my mind off of everything and sleep without having to wait for Hayden to be home.
Honestly, I haven't tried to masturbate in years. It's a good chance that doing this can be the first step into having sex with Hayden again. If I can be comfortable with my own body again then it's possible that I won't feel so controlled by my fears.
I lie on my back closing my eyes trying hard to envision something that will turn me on. There was nothing in my head but darkness. I bite down on my lower lip and let out a sigh. Maybe I'm trying too hard. I need to relax. It's just masturbating. Nothing that I haven't done before.
I try again, closing my eyes and exhaling a deep breath. Almost instantly I can see Hayden's gloriously naked toned body. He's on his knees towering above my body as I lay on my back with my head situated between the pillows. Holding his erect shaft in his hands, he moves further up and aligns his tip with the mound of my breast, circling and flicking my nipple with the tip of his wet cock.
I caress my nipple through the satin material of my nightgown feeling the nub hardening beneath my fingertips. A low hum escapes from my mouth as my mind envisions Hayden's cock thrusting between my breast. With his fingers parting my lips, I instinctively close my lips around them, sucking as he slowly sides them in my mouth.
One of my hands travels down to my center, encircling my clit as my fantasy intensifies once Hayden removes his fingers from my mouth, immediately replacing the space with his cock. "Take all of me." He speaks above me, thrusting himself deeply, his tip hitting the back of my throat.
"Mmm..." My imaginary Hayden moans. "That's my good girl." Fantasizing about Hayden saying such a phrase was like music to my pussy.
I vaguely recall Hayden mentioning that he put the sex toys he had in his old house in the drawer of my nightstand if I ever decided that I wanted to try something new. It would be my first time using something like that, but I can't deny that I'm very interested in trying at least one of them. Opening my eyes, I pull open the bottom drawer revealing the wooden black box. I sit on my knees searching through the box. There were a lot of toys, chargers, and even a spray and cloth to clean everything. There were all different types of vibrators and wands, butt plugs, anal beads, cock rings, clitoral suction toys, a curved glass toy, nipple clamps, paddles and whips, blindfolds and restraints, and more things that I have never seen before. I like to think I had an okay knowledge of sex toys but some of these things in here I never knew existed. Do any of these even work?
Picking up a bullet vibrator, I press the power button and it roars to life. I was slightly taken aback by the vibration as I didn't expect it to actually turn on. I spray the cloth and wipe down the vibrating machine before I lie back on the bed. This time I position myself at the edge of the bed with most of my hair hanging off the mattress. It would usually be the perfect position to get throat fucked, but since I'm alone here it could be fun to imagine it's happening. I think I'm having a lot more fun with this than I'd like to admit.
I look at myself in the mirror above me holding onto the small vibrating toy and let out a little chuckle. Somehow I feel more embarrassed to be using this than using my fingers as I have in the past. But I can't pretend I'm not excited at the same time when I remember how the vibrating underwear Hayden tricked me with felt.
I graze the vibrator over the mound of my breast, my jaw falling open at the wondrous feeling that went straight to my center. I close my eyes again desiring to imagine my man watching me as I play with myself using his toys.
This time, Hayden is sitting in a chair across the room but still close enough where I can see him with this cock in hand. His eyes are glued to my naked body. My legs are spread open, unashamedly baring myself before him. He stares intently, biting his lip as I drag the vibrator down my stomach to my center. One hand separates the lips of my pussy while the other set the vibrator on my clit causing a loud moan to erupt from both my imagined me and the real me. "Oh shit," I moan out again as my body jolts at the sensation.
I envision Hayden grunting as he pumps his veiny shaft in his hands, never once taking his eyes off of me. Arching my back, I palm and squeeze my breast as it slips from the top of my gown. "Come on me." My imagined self speaks and he instantly stands from his chair walking over to me almost ready to give in to my demand.
The intense pulsation on my clitoris from the vibrator is admittedly too intense for me. I can already feel my body tensing up and my insides begging for its release. I can only imagine how fun and overwhelming this could be with my real Hayden thrusting inside of me simultaneously.
With a swear and a groan, my imagined Hayden pumps his cock over me his warm arousal shooting out on my face and breast. With just his thumb, he smears his semen around my mouth before parting my lips and thrusting his thumb in. "Suck," He instructs. And I obey, sucking the come from his thumb and twirling my tongue around his finger.
The imagery in my mind along with the deep thrumming of the vibrator was enough for me to find my own release. "Mmm. Fuck," I cry out. My body stiffens, my back arches even more, my leg quivers, and my soul shatters as I come fervently from my imagination and this small vibrator.
I press the power button expecting it to turn off, instead the vibration increases intensifying the orgasm my body was already fighting through. "Uh," My breath hitches in my throat. I can't seem to stop even as I feel the come dripping from my center. It feels so good and intolerable at the same time. I want to stop. I need to stop.
I can feel another orgasm coming even stronger than the first one and I can't seem to move the little death from between my legs. I grip the edge of the mattress struggling to catch my breath as my body explodes through its second release. This time I press the power button longer and the little death powers off. My center is throbbing and dripping, my heart is pounding, my breaths are labored, and my body feels so good. When I finally open my eyes the room is upside down and spinning but even through that I can see Hayden's figure leaning against the bedroom door. How long has he been here?
I sit up on my knees, my eyes finally able to meet his. The devilish smirk on his face and lusty eyes tell me he's been here for a while. He has a cup of liquor in one hand, his jacket hanging around his arm, and his shirt and tie are undone. "I see you're having a good night."
"When did you get home?" I nearly feel embarrassed. He should have said something.
He tosses his jacket on the chair as he stalks over to me taking a drink from his glass. He has been drinking and going out a lot lately but I warned myself against commenting on it. He presses his knee into the mattress as he bends down attaching his lips to mine. "Long enough to enjoy the show." He informs me. His mouth moves eagerly against mine, his tongue wet and hungry invading my mouth. "I hope you were thinking about me."
"Of course." I respond as I pull away from him. He tastes like alcohol and cigarettes. That's different. Has it been that long since we've kissed that I didn't notice he has started smoking? "Did you go out with Collin tonight?"
"Just for a little." He plops himself down on the bed and lies on his back, being cautious to hold the glass steadily so the drink doesn't spill. "Is that okay?"
"That's fine. I just wish you would tell me where you are so I don't have to worry about you."
"Give me your phone."
"Why?" I ask. Climbing over him, I grab my phone from the nightstand and hand it to him awaiting his answer or an explanation.
He sets the glass on his stomach as he does whatever it is on my phone. I move the glass from sitting on top of his shirt to the nightstand and ask again, "Hayden, what are you doing?"
"Here." He hands it back to me. The screen shows a map with a bubble of his picture from his security app. "Now you will always have my location. I'm sorry for making you worry, baby."
I didn't need his location. I'm not trying to track him. I just want to know he's safe. But I will accept his gesture and use it on days like today when I don't hear from him for hours and I want to ensure he's somewhere safe. "Thank you, but you know you could just text me."
"Sometimes I leave my phone in the car or I turn the sound off so I can't hear if George tries to call or text me to interrupt my night." He explains. "Just in case I don't answer your call or your text, you will always know where to find me."
"Can I ask you something?" I can't help myself from wanting to know if he has been faithful. I'm not sure what I will do if his answer is in opposition to what I want to hear, but his answer is way more detrimental to me than his smoking or drinking.
"Anything."
The fear of hearing yes almost stops me from asking. But I need to know. "Have you fucked anyone else since we've gotten back together?"
"No Alice," He answers. Sitting up from his previous position, he grabs ahold of one of my hands, "I told you I gained control over that part of myself. The only one I want to fuck, and sleep beside, and love on is you Alice. There is no one for me but you. I've told you this before and I will tell you as many times as you need to hear it but I will wait until you're ready. I'm not going to force you or take it whenever I desire because I claim ownership of you, and I'm certainly not going to get it from someone else."
"Okay." I feel relieved by his response. "I'm sorry. I want to trust you while you're out late, but. . ." I trail off not wanting to continue speaking.
"I understand, baby. I'm not upset with you for asking and I don't think it means you don't trust me. I have a history, we're not in a stable position as a couple, and I'm spending hours out in a club after work, even I would be skeptical."
"Well, why are you going out so much?"
"I just have a lot on my plate right now. It's nothing that I can't handle but going out has been a welcome distraction."
"You know you can tell me what's on your mind Hayden. I may not have the answers, but you don't have to carry your burdens alone."
"If I tell you, you promise not to psychoanalyze me?"
"Okay, I promise."
"Mmm. . ." I'm not sure if that's a hesitation to answer or if it's him thinking of his response. "I've been stressed at the office and even more recently since I've been trying to find my father. It's like everything in my life is out of order, or out of my control and it doesn't help that I am only trying to rely on myself to fix everything and failing."
"And since we lost the baby," He continues. "I feel like I'm losing you as well. Like you're here beside me physically, but your happiness, your personality, your passions, your desires, just everything that makes you you is gone. I don't know how to see you like that so I come home drunk or really late so I wouldn't have to."
Oh, so he noticed that too? I can sit here and explain to him what is happening to me but then it would require me to make an effort to work on myself. I prefer to act like nothing is happening and ask about his problems. It's easier to help others than it is to admit you're the one who needs help. But in all honesty, it's worse that I'm aware of what my problems are and I make no move to fix myself.
"What's out of your control?"
"What isn't?" He lets our a bitter chuckle. "I can't protect my daughter from my father and his schemes, I don't know how to help the love of my life when she's hurting the most, there are work problems that are out of my control and nothing can't be fixed with money. It's all I have and it's fucking useless. I started smoking to ease this tightness I feel in my chest every day and it's not even helping."
I don't know what to say. I didn't realize he was carrying this much weight every day and that my behavior was affecting him this severely. "I'm sorry."
"I don't want your sorry Alice. You know what I think about that."
"I'm not trying to pity you Hayden, but I feel bad that you're suffering internally like this."
"You're suffering internally too."
"I know but—"
"When did we stop being able to communicate with each other?" He cuts me off with his question. "I mean I've never been good at it, but you Alice . . . when did I lose you?"
In his inebriate state, Hayden has spilled everything about how he's feeling. All of his pent up sadness, frustrations, and worries were revealed tonight. I had no clue that Hayden could see that I was different. I thought I was masking my own pain by appearing happy in front of him and everyone else. I didn't know that Hayden could see straight through my façade. I've been opposed to working on myself because I thought I was doing a good job of pretending I was okay. Little did I know Hayden was hurting by first seeing the change in me and then witnessing the falsity that I was portraying.
Maybe I've been a little selfish. I've built up a false sense of safety in order to avoid having to deal with my truth. But I honestly didn't know that false safety was hurting anyone aside from myself. I was fine hurting myself, but I don't want to be the cause of Hayden's anguish.
It's not going to be easy, but after learning about Hayden's feelings, it's incumbent that I work on myself. I have to face the parts of me that I've been avoiding for the sake of myself and our relationship. If he never told me that he could see that I wasn't myself, I would have suffered until I was too far in the depths of defeatism to mend myself.