Date: 7th January, 2016
Edited on: 23rd June, 2016.
I just want to say that I've lost the book where I had planned every chapter out and the epilogue and I don't know anymore. I guess it'll take a while to update.
NUMBER 19 IN TEEN FICTION AS ON 8TH JANUARY 2016, I'M SO HAPPY OML.
"It's almost scary, isn't it?
The way that sadness doesn't only settle in your body,
but the way that it completely
takes over every part of you.
The fact that, even when you're happy,
that sadness is still there,
lurking throughout
your body, just waiting,
waiting to show itself,
yet again."
ALASKA'S POV
The next morning I woke up feeling worse than ever. I'm not going to lie, I missed Blaze even if it hadn't been a day, he was always here to wake me up.
After all the daily routines, I got out of the house, locking the front door behind me. I sat on the railing on my front porch, retrieving my iPhone from my back pocket and swung my legs. About five minutes later Liam parked his car in my driveway and I got in. I couldn't help but notice how good the interior smelt.
"I like your sweatshirt" Liam said, chuckling.
I looked down to my 'Normal people scare me' sweatshirt and chuckled as well.
"Thanks" I said with a small smile in his direction.
You could say I was closest to Liam from all the boys, excluding Blaze (and Noah, to a certain extent), of course. Nobody could ever replace him.
We arrived in the school parking lot and I got out, hitching my book back higher on my left shoulder. I had my head held high and with the little confidence I had left, I entered the school and walked towards my locker. When I reached there, I saw Blaze laughing with Noah leaning again the latter's locker, which happened to be just next to mine.
I lowkey wished that Blaze would come talk to me but he didn't. I was known to have an ego larger than the size of Texas and hence, I didn't talk to him either. I didn't feel him burning holes in the side of my head as I had expected. In fact, he didn't even glance in my direction when Noah greeted and hugged me.
The first bell went off so I slammed my locker shut a little too loudly and made my way towards the homeroom, lost in the sea of people who swallowed me as whole.
I dropped my books on the desk and slumped down in my seat. The late bell rang and Liz still hadn't walked in. The seat besides mine remained empty until ten minutes into after. Liz rushed in the room and apologised for being tardy. We exchanged nods and gave the attendance.
After three agonising hours, it was finally time for lunch. Today, I took an extra serving of chocolate brownie and joined the table. I noticed Blaze was sitting in his original seat, which was next to mine. I sat down, keeping in mind that we didn't touch. Everyone could feel the tension in the air, it was that obvious. Surprisingly, Blaze and I talked indirectly (I didn't expect we would) and it was then I noticed that his entire left leg was pressed against my right one. I had already finished my lunch so I used that as an excuse to stand up and walk away, to throw my trash.
When I got back, Blaze had already left. I unknowingly released a sigh of relief.
"You both have to make up, y'know?" Sean spoke up. I just nodded my head, not looking at him in the eye knowing what Sean said was completely, wholly true.
"Don't worry your pretty little head, Connor, Noah and I will go talk to him. This feud, whatever you have needs to get over soon. I can't take this awkwardness." Liam volunteered standing up, dragging Connor and Noah with him
"Thanks." I smiled slightly and I was sure that my eyes conveyed the huge amount of gratitude to them.
I noticed that the whole time Liz sat there, not contributing but looking down at her hands, thinking. I tried talking to her but she just brushed me off.
I laid my head down, my hands acting as a pillow because of exhaustion and Damien ran his hands through my hair. I could feel my eyes getting heavy but God forbid if I slept. I didn't want to go back to that horrible world of night mares.
The shrill bell rang and I reluctantly lifted my head up, white dots clouding my vision. I blinked a few times to shake off the haziness and got up. Not caring if I was late to class, I walked to my lockers and slid down against it, my bottom making contact with the just cleaned floor. I rested my head against the lockers and my eye lids shut close.
I could feel myself being shook so I tried opening my eyes. I couldn't, I felt as if someone had glued them together. Not caring, I tried to go back to sleep.
I was being shook again, more violently this time. Opening my eyes, I saw Alice knelt down to my level.
"Hey, the lecture gets over in ten. I thought I'd let you know so you could freshen up." she finished with a smile.
"Thanks Alice." I returned the gesture.
"Don't thank me, thank Blaze. He barged into the girl's washroom to see if there were any girls in there that could wake you up. I know you're fighting but I hope you make up soon. You both are like 'friendship goals'."
I thanked her again and made my way towards the washroom. I washed up my face and dried it with paper towels. I redid my hair to make it look a little presentable and straightened out my sweatshirt and looped my fingers into the belt loops, wiggling and pulling up my jeans.
I texted a simple "Thanks" to Blaze and he replied with a "Don't mention it."
I entered the class with five minutes to spare before the bell. When the teacher asked me where I was for the last hour, I just rolled my eyes and walked passed her, muttering a cuss word. I took the seat in the end, besides Leo and when he asked me where was I the previous lecture, I responded with "I slept by the lockers." He just shook his head, looking amused. After a bit talking, the bell rang and we left the class in a hurry.
When I got home, I saw mum sitting on the couch and we talked about how her day was. Talking to her lifted up my mood because mum was rarely home and I missed her a lot.
I went up to the room, connecting my phone to the speakers and blasting the music.
A few minutes later, mum walked in and said, "The music is too loud."
I sweetly smiled and said, "If the music is too loud then you're too old."
She rolled her eyes and walked away.
While listening to the music, I got my homework done and texted Liz later. We somehow ended talking about my nightmares and she seemed too nice about it. She agreed with everything I said. I felt a little suspicious but what reason did I have to be remotely suspicious? So I let it go.
At three in the morning, I managed to fall asleep.
+ + + + + + + + + +
It was the same dark place. It reeked of alcohol and smoke. The ground was cold and firm, as always. I could feel the tiles beneath.
I tried waking up before all the ill things would start happening but I couldn't. I was fucking stuck in there.
Two men walked in, as usual, their faces clearer than other times I'd seen them but somehow not clear enough.
They tied my hands down on the chair and taped my mouth so not a single whimper could escape my chapped lips. I saw one of the men walking towards me with another rope. He tied my legs together. They hit me, with bare hands, with whips, with iron bars, with everything that hurt. With everything that made me bleed. When they were sure enough I wouldn't fight back, they removed the tape. All I did was swing between consciousness and unconsciousness.
They untied me, made me stand and then tied my hands and legs again. The first man slung me on his shoulder like I was a sack of potatoes and carried me out. I memorised the layout of the building for thinnest time, thinking that it would somehow help me in my next nightmare.
When we walked out, the fresh air hit me on the face and I could freely breathe. Air had never felt so precious. They put me in the back of a truck and we drove away. I kept quiet the whole way, curling into a ball somehow and after about an hour we stopped.
One of them had to pick me up because I was tied couldn't fucking walk. Everytime he walked a step, it hurt like a bitch because of the bruises.
It hurt. Or maybe it was just me being pathetic.
There was this pain in my chest which I could physically feel. It was hurtful, so so hurtful.
Everything came crashing down and I couldn't breathe, it was suffocating.
I couldn't speak, it's was like my throat was all clogged up.
I couldn't feel, it was like the life had been sucked out of me.
I couldn't move, it felt as if I had been beaten up for days.
I couldn't hear, it was like everything was moving by me and all it was a background noise.
The men came to a standstill and all I saw was a lake and a sky full of stars. It dawned on me that they were going to throw me in. My eyes widened and before I could protest, he swung me and threw me in. In there, to drown and die. I struggled to stay on the surface, but I couldn't. I tried to free my hands but I couldn't. I gave up after a few minutes and I sunk, I sunk, I sunk down to the bottom.
Slowly, I could feel myself getting unconscious and I let go.
I let myself die.
+ + + + + + + + + +
I woke up abruptly and immediately checked myself for any bruises. It was routine, now. There was nothing this time. I sighed, wanting to forget.
I stared blankly up at the ceiling fan. I synchronised my breathing with the whooshing sound of the fan. It was 3 am and frankly, I felt worse than dead. I felt empty. I couldn't do anything but stare. I had cried myself dry that my eyes were burning red with dryness. I couldn't help, I let out a whimper of pain just under my breath so nobody could hear. I could still feel, which meant I was not numb enough. All I wanted to do was feel utterly nothing.
Sure, our body is full of organs but all I wanted to do was feel empty.
And I prayed. I prayed to God that I fell asleep before I fell apart and that was all that mattered. The second time I slept, I had dreams, not nightmares and for that, I was thankful.
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