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My eyes sting when they're open, but sting worse when they're closed. There's a thumping pain in my head and a heaviness in my chest.
I've been laying on the sofa, replaying things in my head over and over again. Everything he said, the venom in his voice and the sincerity in his eyes.
I flick through the TV channels mindlessly, watching the pictures and colours flash in a blurry haze.
There's only one good thing about this. It stopped before any real damage had been done. I could've went further with him, and then where would I be? Tainted memories for the rest of my life.
As humiliating and hurtful as it feels, it could be worse. But saying these things doesn't help the hurt. I know I'm only trying to delude myself, and in turn trying to dilute the pain. But it's no use, for the time being.
"Heavy winds, rain and storms are expected to develop over the course of this weekend and a yellow weather warning has been issued for parts of th-"
"Ugh!" I shout, turning the television and it's mindless chattering noise off.
I slump down onto the couch, trying to wipe the almost dry tears from my face. I need to get myself together.
"Ellen?" I hear a voice outside the door, followed by a knock.
I don't move. Whoever it is, I don't care. I don't want to see anyone.
"Ellen? I know you're in there. It's Zayn." He repeats.
Zayn can just leave. He doesn't know for sure I'm here. Where else would you be? I ask myself and sigh, getting up and answering the door.
"What's wrong?" He frowns as soon as he takes in my image.
"Nothing." I shrug, biting my lip so I don't cry again. "It's nothing." I repeat with more confidence. He gives me a look that tells me he's not believing a word.
"Can I come in?" He asks, smiling sympathetically. "
"Sure."
He stands awkwardly with his back against the kitchen counter. "Harry?" He asks, tilting his head to the side ever so slightly.
I nod and begin to cry again. Oh god get yourself together Ellen! I mentally scream. Immediately, he hugs me, I can tell he feels incredibly awkward about doing it but he does it anyway.
"I'm fine. I'm alright." I wipe my eyes again. "I'm fine."
"What did he do?" He asks with a threatening hint behind his voice.
"Zayn you really don't have to worry about it." I say, hoping he won't push the matter any further. He nods and sighs.
"I wish you wouldn't keep treating him so nicely when all he's done is be rude to you." He says quietly.
"I'm done with treating him nicely." I say it, and mean it with all my heart. "Honest."
"Good." He smiles, "I just came over to see why you weren't at work, and if you needed anything."
He's such a sweet person, he really and truly is. Part of me is saying that Harry was like that too sometimes, but that part of me is what got me into this mess in the first place
"I'm fine, thank you though. I'll be in on Monday."
"Ok, cool. Eh, sorry Ellen but I've got to go. Perries in the car waiting." He says and makes for the door.
"Tell her I said hi. And again, thanks for checking on me." I smile.
"Yeah, no problem. You've got my number if you need me. Bye Ellen!" He calls as I shut the door.
I'm about to throw myself on the couch again when an idea flashes in my mind.
I root around in my cupboards, collecting all the things I need. I grab a white sheet from my bedroom and set it on the floor, placing all the items on top.
I grab the paintbrush, dipping it into the red paint and splattering it aimlessly on the canvas.
When it's dry I take the charcoal and draw the outline of a woman, making the lines messy and heavy against the white and red background.
When I'm finished, my hand is aching, I'm covered in charcoal and paint and some of my anger and pain seems to be relieved. As if it's been transferred into the painting.
I place the canvas against the wall and sigh, heading to the bathroom to take a long and hot shower.
I'm exhausted, emotionally and for some reason physically.
By the time I crawl into bed, it's only nine. But I'm ready to sleep and entirely ready to forget this day, even if it's only for a few hours.
This is a bit of a filler chapter but yaknow, it has to be done.
All the love.