Words For Mikey: Day 7
Cognizant: having ; aware (usually followed by of): He was cognizant of the difficulty.
You were awake. For five God damn minutes you were awake. I didn't even get to see your eyes. The second you started shaking there were doctors everywhere and I was getting shoved out of the room. I tried screaming for you but they wouldn't let me through. And then everybody stopped doing pretty much everything because they had put you right back into your coma. Brain swelling. They told us it was because of brain swelling. Your brain activity had increased so rapidly and then it still to almost nothing and somehow that made your brain swollen or something. They said if they hadn't put you back under you could suffer major brain damage and possible retrograde amnesia. The only problem is your body isn't stable either. As your brain activity is so low some of your organs aren't working anymore and now they think you might die. They told us you have a two percent chance, Michael. And I will hold onto that two percent with everything I have because it is my only hope dammit. I need my Mikey back. My little kitten. I'll buy you one if you come back. We could get any kind you want. It could be brown or black or white or purple for all I care. I heard animals can make you happier too. I'll buy you the whole damn world if you wake up for me baby. The whole world.
I love you,
Luke
"Luke,"
The name had simply become a word with no meaning to it. There no longer seemed to be any person attached to it for all the reaction it had, but when it came from the mouth of the doctor in whispered tones it certainly had an effect on those who were not named Luke, but who knew the boy and cared for him dearly.
"Luke,"
This time the word was granted a soft blink from the one it belonged to, but no words of acknowledgment were shared and no nod or incline of the head either.
"Calum he isn't going to answer you," Ashton finally said stating the obvious truth.
Calum had been at it for nearly an hour simply repeating the blonde boy's name hoping and praying for some sort of reaction.
"I know, Ash, but I can't give up yet,"
Calum's head hung low and Ashton placed a hand on the back of his neck directly in between his shoulder blades and rubbed slightly.
"I don't expect you to, Cal. Just come get something to eat with me,"
It had become a code. They would say it when the doctor wanted to talk to them about Luke.
"What is it now?"
"I think they're doing a half off deal for the cinnamon rolls," Ashton lied with a pointed look in Luke's direction.
Calum steeled himself and got up to follow Ashton with one last look at the statue that had once been their best friend.
Once again the doctor was plagued with the knowledge that his news would be bad. It was all he ever seemed to bring to these people and he longed for the day when he could tell them things would truly be alright.
"We were thinking Luke should talk to one of our specialists," he began. "It seems almost as if he's dealing with a minor form of PTSD. Sleep deprivation, nightmares, a wavering sense of reality. We believe that if Luke talks to someone now, things will be a bit easier further down the road,"
Tatiana held tight to Liz as she shook with silent sobs and Ashton gripped Calum's hand as they talked with the doctor about what was best for Luke. That was the majority of what they did. They talked about Luke without him there, they made decisions for Luke without consulting him. And they thought they were doing well at keeping it a secret.
"I'm not talking to a specialist,"
Luke's voice was rough and quiet but it attracted all the attention of those in front of him.
"Luke-"
"I won't talk to a specialist,"
Ashton gripped Calum's hand tighter and Calum gave his hand a gentle squeeze to reassure him.
"Baby please," Liz tried peeling herself off of Tatiana.
Luke shook his head. "You all think I'm insane, but I'm not. You know Michael means everything to me, life just isn't worth it without him. So instead of wasting your damn time on me you should be trying to save his life. Then you won't even have to worry about it,"
"Luke we know you're not crazy," Calum tried reasoning.
"You damn well do! Do you all think I'm stupid? I know what you talk about when you have your private chats and shit. You were going to put me in the psych ward if Michael died. Newsflash, I'm eighteen, you can't make me do anything,"
"Actually, Luke. If a doctor signs off on it, your mother and your friends can send you into psychiatric care,"
Luke shook his head stubbornly. He knew the doctor was right. He wasn't stupid, but denying the truth was so much easier, "Then they aren't my friends and she isn't my mum," he said flatly. "Nobody who really cares would do that,"
"Luke that's not true," Ashton argued.
"It is! If you cared than you wouldn't force me to do anything I didn't want to do. You'd be spending every moment worrying about Michael and Michael only because he is all that matters to me right now and for the rest of my life. Friends don't sentence each other to misery, which is exactly what that damn psych ward is,"
"Luke you don't understand," Ashton stressed. "We can't possibly lose both of you,"
"So you better start making sure Michael gets better,"
When nobody could say anything to his words Luke nodded as if confirming something to himself and backed away a few steps before just turning and heading directly back to his chair in the waiting area.
"Luke!" Calum called following after him.
But Luke had settled into his chair and was scribbling away at a piece of paper with tears burning in his eyes. Three times he had to stop to wipe at them before he gave up on writing and simply hugged his knees tight to his chest. He pressed himself together as best as he could because it made him feel, if only for a moment, that he wasn't falling apart. It made him feel more whole then before as if he could simply fill the gaping hole in his chest.
"Here," Ashton muttered holding Michael's stuffed bear Robert close to Luke's hands.
Shakily Luke took the bear and he buried his face in it to muffle the sound of his sobs as he cried into the bear's fur. And there was nothing anyone but Michael could do to stop it. Only Michael was in a coma and the doctors were ninety-eight percent positive that he was going to die.
Michael was going to die.
Luke tried impossibly hard not to allow himself to think like this. He couldn't believe Michael was dead because it meant giving up on him like all the others and Luke could not give up on his kitten. He would stick by his side till the end and when the end finally came Luke would go with him. Luke wanted to go with him.
"Maybe we can get a cat," Luke finally forced out when he was done sobbing for the time being.
"A cat?"
"Yeah," Luke sniffled. "Animals make people happier and Michael loves cats. He's basically a giant kitty himself,"
"What kind of cat would you get?" Calum asked.
"Whatever kind he wants really,"
"And what will you call it?" Ashton questioned.
They were trying to force Luke to open up a little more and interact with them.
"I dunno,"
"Well lets pick out some then. Make a list so it's easier for you and Michael to choose," Calum's throat tightened when he said Michael's name.
Luke shrugged and Calum and Ashton tried smiling at him.
"What about...Mittens?"
Luke shook his head, "To cliché,"
"Okay...um, Toby?"
Luke shrugged. It was cute, but he wanted Michael and him to pick a name together, not Calum and Ashton.
They quickly realized Luke was done with the conversation and gave up settling into chairs beside Luke. Ashton took Calum's hand again and the tan boy flushed brightly. Luke noticed this and couldn't help feeling happy for them. He almost smiled at them but the mood was to heavy and somber for him to manage even a tiny microscopic one.
Cooper. Luke thought, and for some reason he fell in love with the name Michael had fussed over just last week. Luke could clearly remember Michael smothering the black cat and cooing at it for nearly an hour. Eventually the cat had wandered back into its home, but not before Michael read off its name from the light collar on his neck. Luke remembered this had then stemmed a one-sided debate about how wrong it was to make cats wear collars.
And then Luke was sobbing again, only no tears came. His body was trembling and his chest was heaving, strangled sounds leaving his lips. It felt as if all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room, there was a thousand pounds pressing on him from every direction and there were a million knives cutting into his skin and a billion fiery hot pins covering him. He had never felt pain like this before, he never wanted to feel it ever again, but he couldn't escape it. But to the others in the room he was just having a breakdown, they didn't understand his pain, they couldn't even imagine it.
The room was spinning in front of him, but neither Luke nor the room had moved in the slightest. He thought he could see Ashton and Calum crouched in front of him, but everything was blurred together and he couldn't tell the difference. In the midst of the chaos he saw a nurse dart out of Michael's room and run back in with a doctor in tow.
Everything seemed to stop. Of course the pain was still present and he still struggled to breathe, but his vision became impossibly clear and his ears strained to hear something. Anything about what was happening in that room.
People say that in moments like these where your body is running on adrenaline and fear is pumping through your body that everything slows down giving you time to react. But that isn't true. Time doesn't slow down or stop and things don't mesh together in a haze. That's the aftermath. If anything time speeds up and your senses go into overdrive trying to keep up, but they can't, it's just not possible. And that's when things start getting confusing and messy and you can't seem to think. Luke knows that time doesn't really speed up or slow down. He knows that time is moving at the same pace as always. So why does it seem like everything's in fast forward?
Finally Ashton's voice breaks him out of his state of mind and he snaps his head away from the door to Michael's room and all he can hear is a flood of voices coming at him from every direction. And then Luke really can't breathe because now he's overwhelmed.
"What are they doing?" he asked.
"Luke what-?"
Luke turned Ashton to Michael's room where the door was still slightly ajar so they could see the two doctors moving around inside.
"What's going on?" he whimpered.
"I don't know buddy," Ashton sighed before getting up and walking over.
Calum wrapped an arm around Luke and squeezed his shoulder trying to comfort him.
"I'm sure it's fine, Luke,"
"You don't know that,"
And it was true. Calum didn't know that, but then neither did anyone. Not Luke or Ashton or the doctors. Nobody knew whether Michael would live or not. Luke knew people were starting to give up. Liz wasn't crying as much and she had told the boys she was going home that night. Tatiana had only stayed the night once, and Luke knew it was only a matter of time before Ashton and Calum brought him home by force.