I hadn't told my brothers, since they thought I would come back after New Years, but Jessie Thomson told me she'd make sure I was paid for the full month, and then allow me to go for good on Christmas. The airport was lonely Christmas day, and it was nice. I got a taxi for myself home, and I remember how quickly my heart beat went when I walked up to the door, it being a Christmas dinner spent at my house, and hearing Charlie's voice bored and gloomy. The old Charlie, sad and depressed. Angry. I had every reason to shun him, to be angry and hate him for good, but I was in love with the idiot. I was angry as hell, and truly wanted to hate him for ignoring me for years, but I still wanted to see him.
"Hey, asshole." Chris' voice. "We've talked about this, eat your food and suck it up, or I'll shove this ham down your throat."
"Fuck off." Charlie's.
"Why do we have to wait to give our presents, we should've done this first thing in the morning."
Standing in front of the house and admiring the pretty lights lining the entry way to the house, I saw through the window the Christmas tree, glittering with ornaments and lights. I unlocked the door and heard as Austin called, "James, you're here! Come get your seat, Jannette had your present for you-" Austin looking, not being able to yet see me, and Austin grinned. "My god." And I ran over to give him a big hug. He kissed my head, pushing me back to look at me. "My god!" He repeated, and the lights were turned on, and Bailey ran over and grabbed me tightly.
"My baby sister," He shouted in happiness.
"Nuh uh," Austin said in contentment. "She's not a baby anymore. She's a college grad."
"Baby or not, she'll always be my little baby Diana." Bails fawned as Chris shoved him over and embraced me.
"You look so old. I hate it." Chris said, and I thought I was incredibly ecstatic to see my brothers, I wanted to see Charlie. I wanted to see him terribly. Tyler and I shared a hello, but I looked up and saw Charlie standing, a dark look on his face.
Was he happy? Was he dangerously pissed off? Did he hate me now? Well, whatever it was, I didn't fucking care about how he felt, and ran to him, jumping on him in a hug. He caught me in shock, and I nuzzled my face in his neck. "Charlie, you hateful asshole, I've missed you more than I thought possible, and I should never want to speak to you again after ignoring me to the extent of questioning my life, but I love you, Charlie, and I don't care what you say anymore, I won't let go of you now, not for a while."
He found his movement, and hugged me back, slowly. But, though slow, he squeezed me tighter by the second, his hand crawling up to my hair and taking hold. I unwound my legs from his body and held him closer, and he turned to press his face to mine. It was almost aggressive, it was hard. It was mean, but I loved it. He kissed me in a rough way, but it turned gentle immediately when he realized I was really there. When he realized I wasn't going anywhere for a while. I should've hated him, but hell I could never.
"God dammit, Diana." Charlie breathed out when releasing my mouth, staring into my eyes with arms tight around me. "I hated you for leaving, but- now all I hate is myself."
"Good." I said, holding in the few tears that were slipping. He kissed them as they fell, and kissed my face all over, nose, eyes, forehead, cheeks, mouth. I couldn't help but laugh, and enjoy the feeling of his arms around me again.
"Keep it PG, man." James' voice came and we found in each other to let go and I embraced James. "College brat." He joked. "You never invited me over."
I hugged him tight, like he often did to me and heard him grunting. "Okay, Dye, I'm old now, I can't take that anymore."
I laughed, releasing him. "Dang," He said. "You look like a woman."
"Come on, if you're old, then he's old." I said, nodding over to Charlie.
Everybody laughed. "He is old," Chris said. "He's- what, thirty-five now? Almost forty?"
"Thirty-one." Charlie grumbled, but I knew he found it amusing as he wrapped an arm around me and we hugged again. Long and hard, taking eachothers scent.
"Yeah, still old." I said, and they grabbed another plate for me to eat with them. My first Christmas dinner with my family in four years.
That night Charlie had his hand on my thigh the entire time, and when we were finally released by the spell of family, I hopped in his car and we sped on to his place with my luggage in the back. We kissed up the stairs, going into his apartment, falling into his couch, but as his hands got lower on me, I stopped him, right when he got hard. "You don't deserve this." I told him.
And he stared at me in shock, looking like he was in misery. Yeah, it was a real cruel move to just get him hard and plan on not doing anything, but he really didn't deserve I-miss-you-sex. He turned that down, and I told him that. But jesus, it was like a punishment for me too after not having sex in four years. Going from every night to completely stopping when he started ignoring me. Not even phone-sex, the jerk.
I expected him to be his usual self, and shove me off in irritation, but what he did was opposite, and pulled me upright while he got on his knees. "Diana Apollo." He breathed out. "I'm a million times- billion times sorry, I'm so sorry, baby, I can't describe it, the way I felt when you were gone, like I couldn't live anymore, like I should be angry at you for making me feel like that. Please forgive me, I'm so sorry. I can't think right when you're not around." He said, and my strong angry man began to cry. I breathed out, running my fingers through his hair, and grabbed my hands and kissed them. "I'm so sorry."
"I forgive you." His hopeful eyes met mine, but I wasn't looking for his pleasure yet. "But I'm still punishing you for making me miserable for years."
His posture fell again and he dropped his head onto my lap and groaned. "What's my punishment." His muffled voice spoke in frustration. He knew he had to be punished, though.
I released him and pointed to the couch. He looked at me in confusion. "You're sleeping here tonight."
His eyes widened. "I don't get to sleep with you? Diana, it's bad enough you won't even let me touch you but forcing me into a different room as you?"
"Goodnight." I kissed his cheek and escaped to his room, locking it. He tried coming in a few times, but he got nothing. Finally at about three in the morning I got up and went to the couch. He layed there fast asleep, but the punishment was getting to me too.
I got under the covers he had over him after shedding into my undergarments and layed with my leg over him. I kissed his neck and he awoke, staring at me as if believing I wasn't real. I loved when he looked at me like that.
I woke him up his favorite way, and we didn't just have I-miss-you-sex, we made I-miss-you-love.
...
"Hey Mr. Grant." Erin perked as she walked into my house on New Years, and I watched in amusement as his ears turned lightly pink. I laughed, giving her a huge hug, and hearing Bailey laugh as well.
"Stop calling me that." He demanded darkly.
"That's what you get for dating someone a thousand years younger than you." Bailey teased.
Erin and I refused to be released for a while- we hadn't seen each other in years, it seemed like, though that wasn't true. I squealed in her arms. "I missed you so much, Erin." I said, squeezing her tightly.
She laughed, trying to squeeze me back just as hard, "I missed you more, you bitch."
"Okay," Charlie said, "You two have been hugging for a while now..." He said, and we refused to let go. "Diana," He dragged out, and before I knew it, Toby Carl walked through the door from behind Erin and pulled her apart from me the same time Charlie pulled me from my waist, kissing the side of my head and not seeing Toby. I was too much in shock, staring at Toby, who stared at me- or the man holding me in shock.
Andy.
I hadn't thought about Andy since New York, since that day I walked the streets with Sarah, Kyle, and Robby. We were all laughing, happy as can be, coming back from a play for our Humanities class and carried our coffees, and Robby carrying his Oolong tea. We always made fun of him for his "daily Oolong." It was a nice temperature outside, and the afternoon air of New York released a small chill that ended in a happiness that made me glad I was where I was with my friends.
"Robby, how did you make even Diana late?" Kyle had asked with his blonde hair flopping as he strode beside us, always being the one who was rushing, but always still ending up late, and Robby was always the one to pick me up and take me places while Kyle took Sarah everywhere. Kyle's joking grin was always so nice to look at, he just had such a perfect symmetrical face, and his physique was taken advantage of by his girlfriend, who also used him as a male mannequin. I loved watching her dress him like a doll, especially because I always got to make fun of him for it.
"It was the Oolong," I teased, having Sarah say the word "Oolong" the same time as I, only louder and more obnoxious. We laughed, because Robby, along with Kyle was always late. Sarah and I were always the ones waiting on them, although the stereotype states that girls take longer to get ready than guys do.
Robby shook his head, trying to look offended. "Sorry I don't like that bitter skunk shit you guys drink every second of the day." He said, referring to the coffee in our hands. "Oolong is good for my-"
"Good for my health." The three of us mocked him, and he shoved me and Kyle over since we were closest to him, and Sarah wrapped an arm around him, pressing her cheek against his. "Robby and his RobProbs," She joked, again using the term we always used when we were making fun of Robby. He was always our victim.
"Thanks, really, you're insults are in fact negligible, so nice try in attempting to offend me." He said back.
I laughed, continuing walk along side my friends as we joked some more, and as we turned a corner I crashed into someone, and felt his arms reach out and grab me to steady me. And I just melted- I almost fell into his arms again, that familiar scent, and my entire joking mood with my friends had been eradicated instantly as I stared back into the eyes of one of my true loves, Andy.
"Diana," He faintly said as an unfamiliar body guard moved him along past me, and we watched each other desperately, I finding myself whispering 'Andy' as he tried to turn back around to talk it me, but his body guard reminded him that he was in a rush, and that he had an appointment, and Andy's arguments were audible, but I wanted to tell him that was over. He no longer had to cancel his important meetings just to stay the night with me and order pizza and watch movies. He no longer had to make special arrangements to avoid being photographed each time he and I went out. He no longer had to go out with me. His eyes no doubt matched the hearts in mine- the shock- as he was forced to disappear into the abyss of people, leaving with a beautiful smile, one that he only gave me, one he never had ever shown to the media. As if to tell me he'd always love me. I smiled back.
"Diana?" Sarah's voice snapped loudly at me, and I flinched, being brought back into reality, and away from my transitory paradise called Andy's eyes.
I walked, not sure where, I'm pretty sure I walked the wrong way, but I walked and walked- quickly- until they rushed up to me and Robby grabbed my arm. "Diana, are you alright?"
"Yeah, let's get dessert." I said, looking up to see a bakery, and walked in as if that was the main reason why I walked with such pointless purpose, as if I knew exactly where I was going.
They left it alone for the rest of the day, but my mind could not. I was reminded constantly. I was wondering. Why was he there? New York? Why of all places, why did he run into me? Oh the shock, the genuine shock on his face, it must have matched mine to the T. He still dressed impeccably. His face still remained beautiful and stern, but... When he looked at me. When he said my name, and all sternness was replaced with love and affection, and a gentle romance that anyone could detect... I felt guilty. He was married, now. He had a life- even a son. And after three years, Andy was going to look at me with those same eyes? He really meant it when he said he'd always love me, but so did I.
"Diana." Sarah said softly while I was lost in thought, we were walking on the streets, about to leave back to Drew, and Kyle and Robby watched me carefully.
I was going to respond, but when I looked across the cars, across to the other side of the street, to the other buildings, I saw Andy again. My former lover walking with purpose and being questioned by journalists, and seeing as he looked across, eyes naturally meeting mine. That magnetic connection so visible between us. His eyes changed again. And I could never be disappointed the way they melted into a loving trance. He smiled, softly, secretly, like he used to, and I flushed deeply, recalling those times on the streets of my home town when seeing himself there being photographed like he was then, only this time it was more severe. He looked a little amused, as if he detected my blush and knew it was there, and knew he caused it like he used to.
My friends looked between us two, but I could not look away, and neither could he, not until he was stuffed into a limousine by his body guard, and he was driven off to who-knows-where. I knew it was time to tell my friends, but it seems they'd already figured it out.
"Wait a minute." Sarah said loudly after we all silenced in thinking, or me at least to figure out how it was Andy still loved me. "You're that mystery girl that was with Andy Carl," She said in excitement, but there was a hint of question to it as if to ask if it was true.
So I simply released a breath, not saying anything. "Yeah, it makes perfect sense. You're from where he's from, you're relationship with you're boyfriend, Charlie, was a problem because you were with someone else, and... Just now. I just now remembered reading in People magazine that his brother was friends with his mystery woman, and you're Toby Carl's age! Diana, you are Andy Carl's mystery woman, the one he dated and the one he'd sneak around with!" She said in fascination, figuring it all out like a fucking investigator. I was just in shock at how quickly she linked it all together. She was a genius, after all.
Kyle and Robby beside us on the other hand looked at her as if she was insane. "Bloody hell?" Kyle simply said, and he and Robby began to laugh at Sarah, not believing a word she said, but she was so sure of herself she didn't bother argue with them.
Instead her eyes were on mine, and we just stared at each other, and I flushed, being found out so easily. The guys laughed and laughed, until they looked up and realized I wasn't laughing, and saw my face, and looked really confused. "Diana, that can't be true, right?" Robby chuckled, dying down into seriousness.
I said nothing.
"Oh wow." Kyle responded to my silence.
"Wait, you were with Andy Carl?"
It still amazed me, how famous Andy was. I was in New York, and he was even more famous than he was back at home. Even his brother was famous.
We drove back home, back to Sarah and I's dorm and the guys stayed in with us, and I told them about everything. I explained to them my passionate, love-filled, overwhelmingly perfect relationship with Andy, and not once remembered them stopping to judge me.
Back into reality, I stared back at Toby, and he glared. Not at me, but at Charlie.
"Mr. Grant?" He said in... in a little disgust, though I could see where he was coming from. Not a lot of people liked Charlie as Mr. Grant. Not a lot of people liked Charlie as Charlie.
He looked up, seeing Toby, and cringed from the applied name. "I'm not your teacher anymore, you don't have to call me that."
"You're the asshole that's dating Diana?"
Charlie gave him a flat look, and the house filled with people celebrating New Years at my house quieted down a little bit to watch the drama take place. "Who called me an asshole?"
"You are an asshole," I told him, and he pinched my side, making me jump and pinch him back, the two of us joking like children.
"Diana!" Toby snapped in anger, in shock. Four years? Four years later and he was really going to go ahead and bring up the fact that I broke his big brother's heart again when Andy was married and had a family? Unnecessary. He needed to get over it, because although Andy might still love me, and I him, we've gotten over it.
"It's good to see you, too, Tobes. You're dating Erin, now?" I teased, winking at her, and she shook her head in denial, and I knew she'd give me an explanation as soon as she'd be given the chance to be alone with me.
"Mr. Grant? Are you serious, you're with our Calculus teacher? I thought you hated him!" He shouted, and I shoved him outside, so I could speak privately to him, because he was causing way too much dramatic attention and it was ridiculous.
"Toby, chill out, you can't just come into my house and yell at everybody, alright?"
"Do you still love Andy?"
I looked at him in shock. I was completely clueless as to know whether I should tell him the truth our play it cool. "It's been years, Toby." Was my response, and he looked at me with disbelief. I understood. It made sense, after all. Toby was Andy's best friend. Of course he'd tell him we'll always love each other. And we would, no matter how guilty it made me feel. "And he has a family."
"You seriously left Andy for our-" he paused for a second to comprehend in his mind, "for our calculus teacher?"
I sighed. "He's more than that, Toby. He's always been more than that."
"So all that time in high school, you were with our teacher." He bluntly said. "That must explain how you got such good grades, you slept with our teacher and realized you liked assholes, too."
I looked plainly at him. I wasn't offended, but I was irritated. Andy wouldn't like him saying that, even if it's been years since I've spoken to the man. "Who else did you sleep with, huh Diana? Our principal?"
I turned around and walked back inside the house, completely ignoring him, and Charlie looked at me with concern. Eli was there with a few of my father's friends who I accepted as family. He was going to ask if I was alright, and I felt frustrated at how it was so obvious I was upset.
"I just really need something painful right now." I said, rushing past them and heading over to Connor and Cole who gathered up shots for our guests. They handed me two and my eyes watered.
Charlie appeared at my side. "What happened, are you okay?"
"I'm fine." I wiped my mouth. "Toby is just being more upset than Andy ever was." And my face flushed from speaking his name, and my other two guy friends shared a look.
"Toby?" Connor said.
"Toby Carl is here?" Cole said, his girlfriend stepping forward in confusion.
"Like, the Toby Carl?" She perked excitement.
"Please, he has no reason to be famous, he's not important." Connor said to her in irritation, and she just looked a little excited.
"Does that mean Andy Carl is here?" She perked, and Cole grabbed her arm, pulling her back and giving me an apologetic look. He brought her to a corner to tell her something, and I assumed it was the shortened version of the story of Andy and Diana. My heart began to ache.
"What's he doing here?" Connor barked at me, and I raised my arms in surrender.
"Don't snap at me like that, I didn't invite him." I said, taking another shot, cringing, and having Charlie try taking another one from me so I'd chill out. I don't know why I suddenly needed pain, something to remove my thoughts from Toby, because looking at him standing in front of my front door I was only reminded of that hug, and those gentle arms that told me he would always love me, even if I ended things, and even if I loved someone else more. They shared the same blue eyes, but Toby had some form of hate in them. Andy could never have hate in his eyes.
"Hey, take it easy, he doesn't know, remember?" Charlie suddenly said, taking my hand in his as I stared at the table in front of me. I wasn't sure why this caused so much sudden anxiety in me, and Charlie was being so sweet about it all. I'd only been back for not even a full week. I breathed heavy, and tried calming, but it was so hard. "He doesn't know what love is like." He said softly, only so my hearing, and I relaxed at his voice, at his surprisingly calming aura. Normally bringing up Andy made him uneasy and angry, and while he was uneasy, he was not angry.
I rested my head on his chest, apologizing.
"I know." He said to my apology, brushing my hair back.
"What's wrong?" Bailey came out of nowhere, and I jumped out of my position, putting on a smile.
"Nothing, I'm fine."
"You really got bad at lying back in New Jersey, huh?" Bailey teased, reaching over and pouring a shot and about to slide it to me. "Don't tell Austin. I'm the cool brother."
But Charlie intercepted it, taking it and putting it out of my reach as if I were a child. "She's had enough already, trust me."
Bailey looked at me in shock. I rolled my eyes. "I'm past the drinking age, Bails."
"Austin still doesn't like to see you drink," He said passively and quick, "How many shots have you had?"
I ignored him and stood from my seat, going dizzy while I did.
"Dammit, baby you're buzzed already." Charlie lightly scolded, grabbing my arm and keeping me in balance.
"I'm fine," I snatched my arm back. No, I wasn't buzzed, I got up too fast. I knew for a fact that I wasn't buzzed, not yet, anyway.
"Chance, what's wrong?" Bailey asked him.
"Toby Carl is here."
What happened was in the beginning, after I had stayed the night with Charlie and gone back home my first day back home from New Jersey, Austin met up with me and told me that Charlie was an asshole for ignoring me, and that they'd been trying the entire time to get him to talk to me, but since he wouldn't they were planning on shunning him. Christmas was an exception. He told me I shouldn't be thinking twice of him for keeping it up for those years, and I agreed, but I told him I couldn't leave him alone. And since I was back, neither could Charlie. Austin was annoyed with our relationship, because suddenly Charlie was happy, suddenly we were inseparable. Suddenly it was like I never left... But better. Bailey said if I was happy, so was he. Chris was the same. I knew Austin would get over it soon.
"Why?" Bailey asked back.
I didn't have an answer for him as Erin approached me. "What did he say to you? He's a fucking idiot, I don't know why he came, I just told him I was in town, and that was it-"
"Wait, Erin," I said, stepping forward to enclose our discussion. "Why'd you tell him you're in town?"
She flushed- Erin, my constantly unphased best friend, her glowing skin turned bright red. My jaw dropped, because I already knew. "He and I," She began boldly, but couldn't finish because she squeezed her eyes shut in irritation, trying to figure out what to say. "We uh-"
"Holy shit, Erin." I said in a voice that shouted at the same time whispered, and felt like a teenager.
"We started sleeping together. Just when we happened to be in town, or when he stopped by WashU."
I gasped dramatically, but I was genuine about it.
Charlie came over asking what was wrong and I pushed him back, focused on Erin. "Erin, why didn't you tell me?"
"Because it's embarrassing- it's Toby."
"So you guys are like... Friends with... What do they call it? Friends without strings? String-less friends? Hand-puppets?" I joked, and she laughed, shoving me but then hugging me.
"I don't know what to do, I told him I didn't want to do it anymore, but then he showed up here."
"Why'd you tell him that?" I asked, and she looked confused.
"Because I don't want to have sex with the idiot anymore. He's too clingy."
"How long has this been going on?"
She answered, and apparently it's been out since the day I left Erin's house crying about how Charlie was angry at me for planning to go to college. She went to his house, they talked, had sex, and since then each time they'd be around the same area, they'd get together and do it again. Erin said she didn't like him, but I knew for a fact Toby had something for her. Even if he had a girlfriend at one point- according to the magazines. And Erin dated a few guys at her school, but nothing too serious. So four years, off and on.
I released a breath. "And you don't like him at all?"
She shrugged carelessly. She didn't give a shit about him. "He's good in bed." Then she grabbed my arm, pulled me closer and said in a lower tone, "I met her, Diana."
I went confused, looking at her in question. "Who?"
"His wife."
His? Who is his?
Andy. She met his wife.
"I didn't see their kid, but I saw Jacquelyn."
I said nothing, staring at her and awaiting her to finish what she was saying. She didn't. "And?"
"And? Well, I went over with Toby. I guess she knows about you and all, not much I'm guessing, but she was pretty quiet."
"Were they happy?" I immediately asked.
Erin shrugged. "You can never tell by just looking at a couple, Diana. My parents probably look like they hate each other, but you and I know they're in love. Some couples I guess you can tell better than others. Take for instance, you and Mr. Grant. But honestly, I don't know. I didn't really see them when they were together, Andy was working and she was putting her kid to sleep."
"You saw Andy?"
"He was sweet. As always."
I wanted to ask if he asked about me, if he wanted to know how I was, how my relationship was, and I think Erin saw that.
"I could tell he thought about you as soon as he saw me, because he kinda flinched. But he didn't ask about you." She told me.
It hurt immediately. It did, but then I smiled, and realized that this was a good thing. "I'm glad." I said after a while, and I was. But of course, part of me throbbed and asked why? But I knew why, and I wasn't upset. I understood.
"You are?" Erin asked.
I looked around, seeing my brothers' families scattered throughout my house, seeing Charlie's mother, his cousin, his sister and her husband and children, seeing them all, my friends, then Toby standing at the front door, waiting to speak to Erin, an apologetic look on his face. He was trying to be a jerk, but he realized it's not relevant anymore. I looked at Charlie who spoke jokingly to his niece, making her laugh. Then I looked back at Erin. "I am."