Katniss POV- (The next Friday)
"Katniss, you're still not showing any signs of pregnancy. No weight gain and nothing else. Have you menstruated any?"
"Twice since we decided this all." I groan.
"Well, okay, sweetie. I am gonna do this quick testing so we can know the results in a few minutes to see if you have any sign of a kidney infection still." She says handing me a cup.
I roll my eyes and head to the bathroom. I pee in the stupid cup and while she's at it she puts some pregnancy tests in it too, even though I just stopped my period like two days ago and I know they're negative.
"I don't see the point in any of this." I say to her as she takes my weight again and my blood pressure.
"What do you mean?"
"Wasting all this money on stupid appointments and tests. I don't see the point. Obviously I'm not going to get pregnant any time soon so what's the point in this all?" I ask her.
"Katniss, the point in this all is so we can help you conceive. To figure out what is wrong and why you're not conceiving." She says.
"I don't even know that I want it anymore." I say, even though it's the biggest lie I've told in forever.
"Willow wants it and so does Peeta and I know that I use to be all for it being your choice whether or not to get pregnant because I wasn't sure you really wanted to be pregnant the first time around but you did it for Peeta. And I think you owe it to Willow to give her a brother or a sister." Dr. Coles says to me.
"Why would I owe it to her?"
"Even though I don't know her all that well and she is five years old now, I know that it's probably one of the only things she's ever asked you guys for."
And she's right.
Willow asks for little thinks a lot, like candy or something Peeta makes at the bakery but besides that she's never asked for anything this big.
"And I'm giving up on it. At least for a while anyways." I say.
She finishes up everything and the kidney infections are gone and my pregnancy tests were of course negative so I get out of there as soon as possible.
She told me maybe it would be good to take a break from this all. Wait a few months and get a fresh start. That maybe we are trying too often or that I'm too stressed out about it.
But now I need to talk to Peeta, it's nearly three but he is staying open later today. He does every other Friday.
Willow is with Bristol today, luckily.
I go to the bakery and it's packed so I go straight to the back into his office. His staff are running around like chickens with their heads cut off and so is he but he acknowledges me.
After about an hour, he comes in and shuts the door behind him.
"You okay, sweetheart?" Peeta asks me, frowning.
He knows I'm not.
I can't even look at him.
I shake my head.
He kneels down in front of me and takes my hands but I refuse to look at him.
"I don't want to have another baby anymore, I'm sorry." I mumble under my breathe.
I don't look at his face because I know I just hurt him real bad.
"Okay." He says and stands up.
I stand up too and leave before he can say anything else.
He doesn't follow me out and doesn't come home until his normal time but I have to leave then to get Willow.
"Hey." Bristol says opening the front door, smiling.
Then she looks me over.
"What's going on, Katniss?" Bristol asks me, knowingly.
I shake my head, "It's nothing. I just came to get Willow." I say.
"Katniss, you're my best friend, I know you're not okay." She says giving me a look.
I sigh.
"Do you want to talk about it? I can have Blake watch the girls while we go talk?"
Peeta and I agreed not to discuss this topic with anyone but I need to talk with someone about it. Plus, she knows something is wrong with me and I can't very well talk to Peeta about this right now.
I don't want to talk to him about it.
Luckily Willow and Carter are in another room and don't see I'm here so Bristol runs in and tells Blake she and I are going to go somewhere and that we will be back later.
Bristol and I just go driving around Twelve though.
"Please tell me what's wrong? Is it Peeta or what is it?" She asks as soon as we get into the car.
I hesitate, knowing I am breaking a promise to Peeta but what he doesn't know won't hurt him more than I already have.
"You can't tell anyone." I start.
"I won't."
"Not even Blake and you can't tell Peeta I told you anything." I start out.
"I won't. I promise." Bristol assures me, even though I already know that she won't.
I sigh, "On our anniversary, about what like almost two moths ago? Peeta and I, we decided we wanted to have another baby." I reveal.
"Oh, Katniss." Bristol says softly in awe.
"No, it's been 2 months now and I'm still not pregnant." I say angrily.
She frowns, "Oh, sweetie. I am so sorry." Bristol says frowning.
I roll my eyes, "And we've tried a lot and even gone to the doctor I used with Willow and they don't know what's happening either." I say crying now.
"Maybe you guys aren't trying at the right time?" She suggests.
"We've honestly tried like 9 times in two months and nothing." I say.
"Goodness, Kat." She teases me.
I can't help but to laugh whinily at that.
"But I'm serious." I say frowning now.
Her smile fades, "I know you are."
I sigh frustratedly, "I went to the Doctor this morning again, to see if I got rid of this stupid kidney infection I have and I got rid of it."
"So does that mean theres a higher chance for you to get pregnant?"
I shrug, "Dr. Coles really thought that is why I wasn't getting pregnant but I don't think so. Peeta got tested last week for stuff, you know where they take all your blood to do different tests with it and stuff?"
She nods.
"The results came back for that and he's perfectly healthy. Nothing is wrong with him so it's got to be me." I say.
"I'm sorry, sweetie. You guys will get it figured out, I know how strong you both are."
I shake my head, "I told Peeta that I didn't want to have another baby. That I changed my mind."
Bristol frowns, "Kat, why?"
"I'm tired of trying and I'm tired of continually being hurt when I take a stupid pregnancy test and they are all negative. I'm tired of wasting all his money on tests and doctors appointments for me not to even be pregnant." I say frustratedly.
"You know Peeta would spend any amount of money on you no matter what it was for, just so you could have this."
"I know and I'm preventing him from having to do it." I say bluntly.
She rolls her eyes, "I think that's kind of stupid."
"Yeah, me too but I'm doing it anyways so I guess I can add you to the list of people who hate me now."
"I don't hate you, Katniss. It's none of my business. Did you tell Peeta?"
"Yep and I told then Doctor. They both seemed pretty angry with me."
"What did Peeta say about it?" She asks.
"Nothing." I say.
She sighs, "You shouldn't give up."
"Why shouldn't I? What if there's a deeper problem and they just aren't finding it? Once they find it, it'll make it that much worse for Peeta and I. We've already had our hopes up too high." I say angrily.
Bristol pulls back into her driveway, I guess hearing enough of what I have to say.
We get out and go inside.
Bristol tells me that she's not mad at me but that she thinks I should think about it more than I have. And Carter, Willow and Carson all make me feel a little better after I see them.
After, I take Willow home and then prepare for the fight that Peeta and I are probably going to be having after she goes to bed.
We eat dinner and I give her a bath and she goes to bed. I go to bed too and so does Peeta.
Surprisingly, not a word was spoken between either of us.
The next morning I wake up when his alarm clock goes off, even though it's Saturday and he doesn't work on Saturdays.
"I'm sorry." Peeta says as I look back at him turning his alarm off, half squinting. The sound goes off and I put my head back down.
"I'm sorry. I forgot to turn it off." Peeta says apologetically.
I don't say anything.
He crawls back into bed, maybe forgetting what happened yesterday and tries to scoot closer to me, and wrap his arms around me but I turn the opposite way from him and go back to sleep.
I don't know why I am mad at him but I am.
He's the one who should be mad at me.
But by the time Willow wakes us up at 10:30, he's suddenly remembered that he's mad at me.
"Hi, Momma." Willow says hugging me as I walk into the kitchen.
I smile the best that I can, "Good morning." I say.
She yawns and I sit down next to her at the table. Peeta fixes up something, without words and then serves us.
He doesn't talk during breakfast but Willow and I do.
"Mommy, guess what?"
"What?" I ask her.
"Carson is learning how to crawl and stand up. She's getting really big and she's so cute."
I smile a little, "That is good. She was being real cute yesterday when I saw her." I say.
"She's cute all the time. And she does this really cute face when I poke her cheeks." She laughs and demonstrates.
I laugh a little, "That's funny."
"Yeah. I like her a lot. Babies are so cute"
I nod my head awkwardly.
We finish breakfast and I can tell it's gonna be one of those days that Willow is by my side the entire day, which I don't mind at all.
"Mommy, you look sad. Are you?"
"No. I'm not sad." I say lying.
She sighs, "What do you want to do today?" Willow asks me.
I smile, "I don't know. What do you think we should do?"
"I think me and you and Daddy should go visit great-grandma and great-grandpa and my great-great-grandma."
"I think that would be fun. But you would have to ask Daddy." I say.
"Will you? I think he's mad at me." She says frowning.
"Why do you think that?" I ask her, frowning.
"Because he won't talk to me." Willow frowns.
I sigh, "He's not mad at you, Willow. I promise."
I want to tell her that he's mad at me, not her, but I don't.
"Will you still ask him?" She begs.
"I bet he would say 'yes' if you asked him though." I say.
"But he never tells you 'no.'" She says.
I shrug, "Fine. I'll be right back." I say, not really wanting to.
She stays in the living room watching a movie while I go upstairs and find him in his art studio, looking at a sketch book.
"Peeta?" I say softly, my voice jumping.
He jumps a little, startled and then turns around, he slaps his sketchbook closed. His face falls when he sees me.
"Yes?" He says coldly.
"Willow thinks you're mad at her." I start.
"I'm not mad at her." He says shaking his head.
I plop down in the chair he has next to him, the one Willow or I usually sit in while he draws.
"I know. You're mad at me." I say.
"I'm not mad at anyone." He says.
I shake my head, "You're lying."
"Katniss. No, I am not." Peeta says kind of angrily, raising his voice just the slightest.
I close my eyes and sigh.
"Willow wanted to know if we could go see your grandparents today." I say, cutting to the chase.
"I don't care what y'all do." He says breathing out.
"We want you to go with us. They're your grandparents." I remind him.
He sighs, "If that's what she wants to do, then let's just go."
I roll my eyes.
"Will you quit being rude to me? I'm sorry that I've given up on this baby thing but you don't have to be an asshole towards me or your daughter." I say angrily.
Peeta freezes.
"You know what? Be rude to me all you want but it's not at all Willow's fault so you better be nicer towards her." I growl.
He doesn't say anything.
Instead he just gets up and goes downstairs. I hear Willow excitedly running up the stairs and into her bedroom. A few seconds later I hear our bedroom door slamming shut and
I flinch when it does.
Then I stand up and I go help Willow get ready. She asks me to braid her hair so I do. Then I go into our room to get in some better clothes on and to fix my hair too. Peeta's already downstairs when I go in there.
Then we leave.
It takes roughly two hours of silence to get there and eventually we make it there.
When we arrive Willow is estatic.
"Look how beautiful it is, Daddy!" Willow says excitedly as we come in the gate.
"Oh my goodness, look at that bird." She giggles as a roadrunner runs across the field.
We go down to his grandparent's house and go up to the door.
"Well, what a surprise!" Peeta's grandma says excitedly.
He seems to perk up a bit when we all go inside and when her little house-dogs attack Willow with lots of loving licks.
The whole time, Peeta much ignores me completely, not even sitting near me while we visit them.
But he acts like nothing is wrong and it's all perfect and it really pisses me off.
"Katniss, dear. Willow is starting to look more and more like you everytime I see her." His grandma tells me grinning.
I look up and then down at Willow who smiles at me.
"Poor kid." I mumble.
Everyone laughs but Willow and Peeta, "Oh, no. You're so beautiful and so is Willow." She says patting my back.
Peeta butts in now, "I thought that if you guys want to get some time with Willow for a little bit, Katniss and I could go out and do some things."
"Money is in the barn but the other two are out if you want to ride them." She says.
Peeta nods, "Katniss." He says looking at me.
I turn to Willow, "You stay here and be real good until me and Daddy come back. Maybe Grandma will let you ride the horses later." I say patting her head.
She nods.
"Yeah, kiddo. We can put you on ol' Money if you want. That's your Daddy's horse." His grandpa says to her and she smiles.
Peeta walks out the front door and I follow him, even though I don't want to.
I follow him all the way up the steep, rocky road and out the gates. He must've forgotten his grandmother said we could ride the horses but he obviously wants to get some exercise.
Then I follow him through the tall grass to the edge of the rock pit.
He sits down and I sit down next to him. I look at him but he just stares out at into the distance, thinking.
"You know that I love you and Willow more than anything in this entire world, right?" He starts.
"Yes." I mumble.
"I'm not mad at you, Katniss." He looks to me.
"Then what's wrong?" I ask him.
"I'm just disappointed in you." Peeta says under his breath.
I roll my eyes, "Like it's my fault you can't get me pregnant." I say, putting is all on him.
Even though I'm pretty positive it's my fault I can't get pregnant, not his.
He scoffs, "I never said it was and that's not the reason I'm disappointed in you. It's not your fault."
"Then why are you acting like you hate me?" I ask him angrily.
"I don't hate you. But I'm hurt, Katniss. Okay? Can't I be upset?" Peeta asks me angrily.
"You don't think I'm not? It's not you who's fucked up, it's me." I say changing my earlier words.
He shakes his head at me, not saying anything.
"You're being ridiculous again, Peeta."
"You're the one being ridiculous. You're Katniss Mellark, I've never seen you give up so easily on something and it's really disappointing."
I start crying, "It's been two months and we've had sex a lot and there is still nothing happening. I keep hurting you and myself more everytime I take a test and it's not positive."
"That doesn't mean you have to give up." He mumbles under his breath.
"And just because I did you don't need to make me feel bad about it." I say standing up but he grabs my hand and I stay down.
He grabs my face and presses his lips to mine, hard. Not letting go until he has to come up for air, I don't kiss back.
He releases me and I turn my head away from him.
"I love you, Katniss. You don't understand how strong you are and how determined you usually are. You're the stronger of us both and you're the one who always keeps me going. And for you to give up so easily on something I know that you want more than anything right now, hurts me a lot." Peeta says letting go of my hand.
I sigh deeply, my eyes burning with tears welled up in them.
He always use to be the stronger one. For the first four years of our relationship he's was the stronger one and after his family died we kind of switched roles, I hate to say it.
"I'm sorry." I say letting a tear slide down my cheek.
"Don't be. It wasn't your idea."
I roll my eyes, "But I agreed to it. I could've said 'no' then and it probably would've hurt you a lot less."
"Probably not."
I sigh, "I can't even think about this all without wanting to curl up in a ball and cry."
"Same for me."
"Then why don't we just do it?"
"Because we are both stronger than that." He reminds me.
"Then how come we are letting this kick our ass so easily?"
He sighs, "My guess is because it's something we both want and aren't getting as quickly as we'd hoped."
So we agree to let it go for awhile.
We have to swear up and down not to bring it up but we are pretty bad at not bringing up things we don't really want to talk about.
(About a month later)
I still do my whole prenatal vitamin thing and make sure I'm drinking enough water and eating healthier too, Peeta helps me.
We agreed to start trying twice a month until I get pregnant and if it goes more than 5 months, I agreed to go back to Dr. Coles with it and with a guess that I'm infertile.
And my baby, who's not really a baby anymore, starts school in less than a month and I'm not at all prepared for that and neither is Peeta but she's excited.
****I don't even know what I'm doing with this story guys :( I'm so lost. Happy thanksgiving though