Sanan had survived that night he drank that substance. Souji had purposely injured him really badly, but he told me coldly that Sanan might still be able to attack me. I just looked at the ground, holding that all my tears without saying another word.
Soon after all the captains rushed into the room, and began talking anxiously. Everything was a blur then, and when I came to my senses, I was back in my room.
"You can really be a pain, you know that?"
Souji had sat across me, looking exhausted. I frowned.
"What happened?"
He sighed in exasperation. "You fainted, and I brought you back here." I glared at the floor, refusing to meet his eyes. I wanted to bang my head against the ground for letting him do that, but I wasn't in the mood to. "How about you explain what was going on last night? Why were you in there with Sanan?"
I rolled my eyes, infuriated. "What do you think? We were having a rendezvous." Seeing him raise his eyebrow questioningly, I let out a breath, giving in. "Fine. I was thirsty. I wanted a drink, but I got lost in the dark, and ended up in the common room." I paused. If what Sanan had said was true, then the Yukimuras are probably more dangerous than I would think. "Is it true that he had something to do with that?"
"Did Sanan-san tell you that?" Souji's tone sounded even harsher, and I winced, nodding slightly.
"He said...a lot of things." My temples hurt from how that situation escalated quickly. He looked at me for a little while more, before sighing.
"You are the daughter of the man who made that stuff, and you've seen what happens to the men who go crazy..." Souji closed his eyes, before coming to a decision. "I suppose you do have a right to know. It'd be easier to just kill you, but...ah well."
I stared at my hands. If Souji or the Shinsengumi attempted to kill me, those Byakko twins would probably appear and...did God knew what to all of them. I shuddered, recalling what Yuri said about eating human remains.
Souji spoke again, pulling me back from my own thoughts. "So, you got any questions? I suppose I can answer one."
"Really?" I looked at him expectantly, and searched my thoughts. There were so many things I would like to ask him, but... "Why did the Shinsengumi get involved in something like this?"
For a moment I thought he wouldn't answer me, but he did. "Well, you know that our job isn't as simple as rounding up ronin and bringing them back to the authorities, right?" When I nodded, he continued. "When we started out, we were really short on men. Not any more." He laughed softly. "Anyway, we didn't have many people asking to join, and those that did were pretty disappointing. That was when some guy from the shogunate showed up and offered to make us part of this experiment."
"But..." I hesitated. "You knew of the side effects, right? Why did you make them take it?"
His smile was almost mocking. "We didn't...make them take it. It was their choice. Usually, if you break our rules, we make you cut yourself open. But for these guys..." He paused. "We gave them a choice. Kill yourself, or drink the shogun's concoction." He let out a laugh as if he was telling a joke. "You get it? Don't you feel bad for them?"
I felt really complicated. If I were in their shoes, I would probably rather die than to be so insane I couldn't tell between good and evil. But I would never understand how they feel. What were they thinking when they had the solution in their hand? Were they beginning to regret it, or were they happy to know that they had a chance to continue living?
"Something that makes you strong and hard to kill should be really great, right? Sure, so long as you don't mind the side effects." The phrase 'hard to kill' made me remembered how I cut myself back in the Yukimura clinic, and how quickly I healed. I frowned, feeling a little suspicious.
~~~~~~~
I had nightmares ever since that night.
Those bad dreams ranged from Souji stabbing Sanan to the Shinsengumi killing me once they knew I was an imposter. I always woke up screaming, and the men would burst into my room to see if I was alright. It happened a few more times before I started to learn how to muffle my voice after every nightmare.
Tonight was no different. I snapped awake after dreaming of Souji half-soaked with Sanan's blood, and had no mood to sleep. I tried to push away the image of how the blood looked like as it pooled around the man's body.
An ache in my chest made my eyes water again. It was maddening how much Souji's words hurt me, but most of all I hated how missing home could make me so weak. It had seemed that I had been crying almost every night, and I loathed my weakness.
Even though Sanan had managed to pull through that difficult ordeal, the other men were trying hard to hide him from Itou. They figured that telling him that Sanan was dead was better than telling him what actually happened. I agreed too, although Sanan was the one who proposed that idea.
From then on, the Byakko twins had visited me another time, telling me how lucky I was to be saved by Okita Souji, and that my secret would, well, still be a secret. I was irritated with the siblings, but didn't complain much as I knew it wouldn't improve the situation.
"Hey. About the Shinsengumi..." I started, but somehow Yuri read through me.
"Oh, my, Jun-chan. You're starting to feel for them, right?" Her green eyes were sparkling amusingly. "Let me remind you, like how that captain did. You don't belong here. They just want to use you for the connection you have with your 'father'." She quoted the last word almost in disgust. "We advise you to get rid of those useless feelings, or you'll end up really hurt in the end."
I knew. I knew all of that, and I supposed that it was all true. But how do I 'get rid of those useless feelings'? My head throbbed painfully, and I rubbed it. For now, I didn't understand, and wondered if it was really possible to throw these feelings away.
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So I received a comment asking what will happen if Jun gives Sanan the claw. As Yuri and Eri said, the claw is only capable of keeping away physical illnesses/diseases/sickness, and doesn't have the properties to cure ones insanity. Also, it cannot heal one's illnesses/diseases/sickness.
Maybe I didn't write it clear enough!
It makes me happy to receive such comments though. Thank you!