^.^.^. Chapter 16 ^.^.^.
"I'm just stuck between my fantasy and what is real."- Unknown
It’s been a week since Nick had found out. And just like I expected he ignored me, he didn’t answer my calls, nothing on Facebook, he didn’t answer my texts or emails, and he especially didn’t talk to me on iPage. I didn’t even dare to message him on there. I would at least think he’d message me telling me to leave him along or never talk to him, but I didn’t even get that message from him.
Natalie was the first person I told. Never even an hour had passed that day before I called her. I told her everything. She was supportive as one can be, and I was glad she was there. She heard me out, I explained everything, I thought for a moment that I’d lose her too because of the person I turned out to be, but she stayed. She said she understood, but I didn’t expect her to, hell I wouldn’t expect anyone to! She gave me the best advice she could which was to leave Nick and to give him space.
Tell me to give Nick space was asking me to run twelve miles in the blazing humid summer, or the coldest snowy winter. It was impossible, I could barely do it. The most I last was a day without any texts or call- no communication. Then, the next day happened.
Wednesday was a half day for us and I spent all of the night trying to find out what I’d say to him. I had a whole two way conversation in my head, things I would say and things he’d say back. All he’d need to do would be to hear me out, that’s all. I didn’t deserve to be heard out, what I did to him… I would never forgive him if that was me because it’s so wrong. So, so wrong. And if I could, I would go back in time and change everything. Nick was so truthful to me, and in return I wasn’t honest, I hated every part of that.
So on Wednesday, after I got out of school early, I had spent most of my time sitting on the stone bench outside the school and some minutes across the street at the gas station convenient store. I waited three hours in the same spot on the hard, polished, stone bench. Every minute, every hour that passed, I got more nervous. I knew he didn’t want to see me, and I felt humiliated to show my face after everything, but I just wanted him to know that I was sorry. I didn’t care if he forgave me or not, I knew he wouldn’t, but I just wanted to say it for myself. Not to stop the grief- well partly even though it’d never go away- but just to know that I tried.
When one student came out followed by others I knew that meant the bell had ringed and students were dismissed. I took a deep breath and swallowed the bile in my throat, and watched the doors. They opened and closed, girls and guys came out together, friends laughed walking out waiting for their bus, everyone came out but one. People passed me looking at me oddly just sitting there, alone, new, strange and probably questionable. But my eyes were kept on the door and my breath caught in my throat when I saw him pop from the crowd of people.
His blue faded hoodie really stood out, and his blue eyes were dark and noticeable. I caught myself just staring, and I thought about just staying here, not moving but just watching. He was surrounded by his friends, he grinned at things they said, and he never looked my way. He was almost out of sight,turningaway from all the buses that were parking to pick up students; he was heading to the student parking lot I assumed.
I got up with my things and walked quickly behind him but leaving some space. He took his keys out of his faded jeans pocket, swinging it around his middle finger. I saw his car in the middle of the parking lot where he was headed. A lot of students were swarming around getting to their cars and such, occasionally I got a funny look; like the new kid look.
Before Nick could open his car I called out his name. His back still to me I saw him tense up and stop on the spot. He slowly slid his bag off his shoulders and opened the car door to throw it in, I took a few steps forward planning in my head what I was going to say exactly, but I could only turn up blank.
I bit my lower lip that trembled and thought what the first thing I wanted to say, “I know I’m the last person you’d ever want to see again, but I just really wanted to say that I’m sorry. I know I don’t have the right for you to forgive me for what I did, but I just wanted to put it out there. What I did to you was beyond wrong and if I had one wish in the whole world I’d go back in time and not lie to you.”
There was a long awkward pause. It was the pause I left in my head for him to yell back at me that I was right and I didn’t deserve his apology, and I was the only person he’d never want to see again. He would yell at me about breaking his trust and being an impersonator, and a sad, sad, girl with nothing better to do to occupy her life. About breaking his heart, about being foolish, sick and twisted, to curse at me; to say anything really. But he just stood there, his back to me the whole time.
So I took the opportunity to continue, “I know you’re really mad at me, and nothing I say will care to you, and I understand. What I did to you… can never be forgiven-in your eyes or mine. You will never understand how sorry I am, and I never meant things to go this far, nor did I mean to hurt you. I know damn well things will never be the same and I don’t expect it to. But the only thing I can do is say I’m sorry even though it changes nothing.”
He didn’t say anything, but he did move. Looking up at the sky for a brief moment and then back looking straight, his back was always to me and I wondered why a bit. I knew he was mad and didn’t want to see me, and I deserved it all the way he was treating me, but if I really knew Nick the way I thought I did, he would at least look at me as I talked to him. Every time I’ve ever talked to him he was always looking at me, like he was hanging off my every word, anytime I spoke he always just looked at me and stared.
Some part of me, the tiny hopeful part of me probably, thought that maybe, just maybe, if he looked at me, he’d regret it because he’d forgive me. That maybe the old Nick would come up and still like me even with all the shit I put him through.But I couldn’t afford to think that because it was way far from it happening.I knew it wouldn’t happen.
“I know you don’t ever want to talk to me or see me again so I won’t bother you anymore. I’ll delete your number, I won’t call or text you, I won’t email you, it’s like I won’t exist anymore.” When I said that he turned around very slowly, half his body faced me and I was somewhat glad about it.
He stuffed his hands in his jean pockets like he done dozens of times when I was around, he kicked a pebble by his foot and started to nod his head slowly. I took amental picture of him of what helookedlike and what I had ruined and gave up, how my luck would never be the same again.
I fixed the strap of my bag on my shoulder and looked at him for a moment, “Bye Nick.” I said slowly turning around; I didn’t even move a foot before he called out wait.
“You’re right. Everything you said.” He didn’t have to clarify or repeat what I said to know what he meant, “I’m going to be so mad at myself later for asking this… Why did you do it? What was the reason?”
Closer. It’s what he wanted and I was glad to give it to him. The thing is, thinking about why I had started that stupid Trinity thing in the first place was because I was scared. All those times teachers and parents tell you not to give out your information to online people, girls being taken from they’re “friends” online because they were lied to.Fake online relationships where the person doesn’t even exist. Fear. That’s what drew me into it.Fear for many different reasons. Most of all, later on what I came to realize, fear to put my heart out on the line. You could say its paranoia and that it’s an unlikely chance but you’re wrong. It can happen to anyone.
I shook my head slowly, it was so stupid. A reason no one would understand because it could sound so lame, “I deserve that much, you owe me that much.” He said crossing his arms over his chest now.
I waited a moment, nodding my head I looked at him biting my bottom trembling, chapped lip, “Fear.” I said simply. His eyebrows rose and scrunched together hearing my one word answer, “So much fear that you wouldn’t understand.” When I took two steps away from him I turned around seeing that he was still there, his whole body was turned to me, “And I never got to say thank you. I know it probably means nothing now but that poem you wrote is beautiful, and it made… my life. You made me feel special.”
His eyes widen and his cheeks turned pink. I had to grin at him, he still looked so cute. I said goodbye to him one last time, almost stopping myself to kiss his cheek like every other time but I knew it was wrong and I couldn’t do that anymore. I stopped, eh what do I got to lose? I thought for a moment. With him still standing there with his hands stuffed back into his pockets I walked up slowly to him making sure he wasn’t going to freak out like some bird. I rose up to kiss his still pink cheek whispering to him a final good bye.
I left, turning around and walking off his school campus. His sapphire eyes still burned in the back of my mind as I walked away. I’d never forget Nick Landon; he was an amazing, sweet, handsome, smart and caring guy. Any girl better than me would be more than lucky to have him. What they say is true, if you love someone you must set them free. And I had to do what was right. My life right now is real and I can’t change that. I can’t become someone fake like Trinity Scott from California.
^.^.^
At night to clear my head I started reading some stories on iPage. I know I told myself I won’t hold onto Nick any longer but he was still my friend on iPage and I had noticed he posted a few new things, for one a poem posted two days ago:
The thing is I thought you were cool.
The thing is you treated me like a fool.
The thing is I was a pawn in your twisted game.
The thing is you were just ashamed.
The thing is I fell for you.
The thing is you were never true.
The thing is I was so naive, I trusted you.
The thing is you were so carefree, it was cruel.
The thing is I fell for it all.
The thing is you never knew at all.
But the real thing is, I want the truth...
Because none of this was ever funny to me.
-MadPoetMan821
I tried not to cry, I told myself I wasn’t going to cry because that would be pathetic of me. I wasn’t going to cry, I’m not going to cry, I will not. Nick was going to have to be just another memory, another guy that I met. Nick would never speak to me again, never be with me again and I just have to except it and move on.
All I want in life is a ‘undo’ button.
I sighed crawling under my covers and barring my face in my pillow. Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met (Taylor Swift). But you have to move on, no matter how much it hurts because if you love someone you must set them free… and if it was meant to be he’ll come back.
But Nickolas Landon will never come back.
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One quote in the texted used by TSwift that I thought went with the chapter very well. So in other words THEY WERE NOT MY WORDS!!!
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