Now that I' ve lost everything to you, you say you wanna start something new....
*****
I must be getting extraordinarily good at goodbyes because this one didn't hurt as much as I would have guessed; it wasn't easy, that's for sure, but it was definitely less dramatic than I was expecting and preparing for.
It's been over an hour since the word departed popped up next to Joseph's flight number on the screen but we are still at the airport getting ready for yet another send off.
My father managed to secure himself a place on the next flight to LA, and we've decided to stay here and make a lunch date out of it while we wait. Ally came with us but she couldn't stay that long so she left some time ago and now it is just the two of us, eating some fish and chips at a restaurant inside Heathrow.
People come and go around us, carrying their bags or looking hilariously lost whilst eyeing those totally useless maps they give for free here. A few stop at a safe distance from where we are and I know that they are trying to figure out if my dad is who they think he is, but none of them seem to be sure enough to get closer or if they do, they simply decide to keep their distance anyway.
"When do they start boarding?" I ask as I stretch my hand over the small table, reaching for his boarding pass. "We have thirty more minutes... Want some coffee?" I say putting it back next to his passport.
"Not for me. I want to sleep in the plane as much as I can..." my dad declines and I nod silently, drifting my gaze around us. All I have to do is find some trivial topics to fill this half hour, and I will have achieved to keep Tom out of our conversation. "... Can I ask you something?" he says.
Oh, boy! Here we go.
It was good while it lasted and I want to slap myself for ever thinking that I could actually pull that off. My eyes lock on his immediately and I don't have to guess on what it is he wants to ask me, and I also know that there's really no way around it. I give him a mute permission to ask, and he does.
"What's the deal with you and Tom?"
His tone is rather chilled and I can tell that he is just trying not to come across too obtrusive, which I appreciate deeply. I lean against the back of my chair and rub my thigs with both hands as I try to find the right answer to his question.
"The deal is... complicated" I manage to let out. But that is the accurate word to describe us at this point. "The truth is that he hit me out of nowhere, you know? I never saw him coming and then, there he was!" My hands fly to my sides, almost imitating a bomb blast. "It all happened so fast that I'm afraid we just made a mess"
It feels amazingly liberating to finally say these things out loud. To express what has been on my mind since, to be perfectly honest, before the whole Charlotte thing even went down. The truth is that I've always had this fear deep in the back of my mind about how fast things were unraveling between Tom and I. But I kept putting it aside every time he'd kiss me or even lay a single finger on my skin.
My father is staring at me, listening to me intently and nodding at each word that I say. Almost as if he knew the feeling in first hand.
"I've got to say... I knew there was something going on there when he rode with us in the car that day" I choke on my water when he mentions that day and I feel a small panic attack coming over me at the thought that he may have heard our entire conversation while we thought he was dead asleep. "The way he looked at you when we dropped him off was just... Endearing"
"Endearing?" I chuckle and shift awkwardly in my spot. I know that he is trying to put it as nicely as he possibly can and I just struggle to keep the flush of my cheeks to a minimum. He'd always been quite open and comfortable when it came to talk about sexual stuff with me, but that was never that easy from my end.
"You know what I mean. But I know it's more than that now, isn't it? No one does what he did for someone they don't... care about" he states with a serious look of contemplation in his face. "The lengths he went to make sure I'd be with you at the funeral..."
He seems to be under the impression that I know exactly what he is talking about but with a frown of my brows he quickly realizes that I am, indeed, clueless. Something in his demeanor changes, almost as if he is scolding himself for oversharing, and I just keep staring at him, pressing him to continue.
"What are you talking about, dad?"
"He called me to let me know about Rose..." he begins and makes a dramatic pause. But I already guessed as much. I mean, there was also the chance of Ally being the one who made the call, but I was pretty sure it was him. With a swift gesture of my hand, I urge him to keep talking. "And when I couldn't get a flight, he called in some favors with the people at the studio and I was in a private plane within the hour"
"I... I didn't know that" I literally stutter under my breath. I am too taken aback by this information; I don't even know how to respond to it.
"Look, whatever it is that's going on right now with the two of you, I don't really know and I don't think that I need to" He leans closer to me, talking in a soft tone only the two of us are able to hear. "But you have been through a lot lately and I believe some distance will help you put things in perspective and, hopefully, figure them out"
I know he's absolutely right. Perspective is definitely the one thing that I need the most right now; to put some good distance between us so I can actually take a time to be alone with myself and listen to what I have to say. Ask me all this questions that only I can provide the answers to.
"Yeah, I know"
The next twenty minutes go by with my dad and I simply enjoying our food in a comfortable, soothing silence. By the time his flight is announced all over the speakers, we are already by the gate, saying our goodbyes.
"This is getting old" he laughs dolefully as we hold on to each other in a hug. "We were in the exact same situation three weeks ago"
I feel a deep sigh resonate in his chest before the air he lets out from his mouth breaks through my hair and warms up my forehead. A single tear manages to escape my eye and rolls over the side of my nose, but I quickly sniff it in before he gets the chance to see it. Three weeks seem like a fucking eternity when I look back and think about all the things that happened to me between that goodbye and the one we are taking a part at this very minute.
"Yeah... really old" I avouch when he decides, for the first time in our father-and-daughter history, to be the one breaking the embrace. "Will I see you in New York, though?"
"I don't think so" he says with a disappointed expression, both in his voice and in his face. "But you know where to find me if you need to talk. And kiddo..." When he is about to walk through the gate, he turns around towards me, handing his bagpack to the security officer and giving me one of those bright smiles of his, that I hadn't seen once during his entire visit, "... It is supposed to be a mess. That can only mean that you're in the right track"
Just like I did before, I get the feeling that he knows a little too much about complicated and precipitated relationships.
I simply wink at him and throw an imaginary kiss in his direction for him to catch it, ever so cheesy. Once my kiss is safely stashed inside one of the pockets of his jacket, he turns right back around an into the boarding gate.
This time I don't take the time to roam the premisses, and as soon as I lost total sight of him, I simply go back to my car for the long and lonesome journey back.
The second I walk in, I notice that my house is empty and silent but with a different kind of emptiness and silence; because I know that behind that door, at the other side of the hallway, there is an apartment that, though is full of memories, is now vacant of the people who created them.
And at this side of the front door, despite how long I have been living here before I met Tom, every corner is haunted by his presence and all the things we've ever said to one another.
Both the declarations of love, and war.
My father's voice comes rushing back to me when I let myself fall onto my bed and rest my weary head on the pillow.
"It is supposed to be a mess. That only means you're in the right track"
The saddest of all smiles creeps on my lips as I replay that line in my mind. As poetic and romantic those words may sound, I have lived through a fair share of thwarted expectations to believe them to be entirely true.
If they were, my relationship with Harry, which started off as the messiest thing you could ever think of, should've ended with a Just Married sign written at the back windshield of the vintage car that was meant to drive us from the chapel to the rest of our lives.
But a part of me wants to believe. And that is the same part that keeps telling me that I should call him and thank him for what he did for me and my dad. Bringing him to me was a really sweet thing for him to do. And the fact that he never mentioned a single word about it, even if that would have earn him my forgiveness for the lie he told, definitely paints a picture of who he really is. He is good and kind, maybe too kind for his own good.
And now, I am back in that sidewalk. Was he being too kind to actually shove her off his reach when she kissed him? Is that even an excuse?
My phone drags me out of the whirlwind of thoughts that is my head right now, and I find myself jumping out of bed to go get it. When I have it in my hands, I close my eyes and take a deep breath before looking down at the screen. I am trying to figure out if I want it to be him or not.
Flight BA879, LHR Terminal 5. Meet me at the check-in post at 8 am. Boarding at 11.
I look at the red suitcase sitting in the corner of my room and I release a heavy sigh. I haven't completely forgotten about this trip, but it was definitely not in my mind until Caleb's message and I suddenly can't wait to be in that plane.
******
"Hey! There you are!" I hear Caleb's voice way before I actually spot him. He is waiting for me where we agreed to meet yesterday and it doesn't take me very long to recognize the beautiful brunette standing next to him. "Let me help you with that..." he says when I get closer, reaching for my suitcase and walking over to the check-in desk.
He introduces me and Lucía for the second time, and when I remind him that we have already met, he winks at me and with a bright and proud smile lingering on his lips, he adds the word girlfriend to her name.
"Oh! In that case... Nice to meet you, girlfriend Lucía" I beam as I pull her into a quick hug and she lets out a giggle.
"You were right, it was no brainer" he says to me in a whisper when we get in line to dispatch our luggage.
He seems to be in a really good, cheerful mood and I give him a little nudge with my hips. I think of him as my friend and I have to say that it makes me really happy to see him like this. It is new to me -because I have never actually met any real girlfriend of his, if he ever had one- but I love it.
"Well, I am really excited for you. She seems..." I trail off when I see this tall, wickedly suited-up man walking straight into my line of vision and towards me.
The air leaves my lungs abruptly and I begin to feel a little dizzy. He is already in front of me and he has this shy, worried tiny smile quivering in his lips. He seems unsure of what to say or do and he simply stands there, waiting for me to react.
"Clemie..." his voice sounds as hesitant as his body language. "Is good to see you" he breathes out before leaning closer to give me a hug.
I don't fight it. I just let him squeeze me and I gently pat his back when I notice he won't let go. My eyes dart to where Caleb and Lucía are standing, a few inches away. Caleb seems frightened and somewhat ashamed, which lets me know that he knew about this and kept his mouth shut. On the other hand, his girlfriend looks completely puzzled by the situation.
"What are you doing here?" I finally ask when we break apart and Harry's head turns to face his friend. "I thought you were in Swansea" My voice comes out a little more critical than I was intending.
"You told me she knew and she was alright with this!" Harry is visibly rattled and I can see the skin of his neck getting dangerously red, spreading faster to the rest of his face. I feel a sense of pity towards him and I realize that this must be so much more unpleasant for him than it is for me. "I came back yesterday... for this trip" he answers me when I wrap my hand around his arms and pull him back in my direction. "I'm sorry... I though you knew!" he sighs and then snaps right back at Caleb: "I'm going to bloody kill you, mate!"
Lucía's face is drained and Caleb simply raises his hands at both sides of his head, ready to spit out some explanation.
"I knew!" I exclaim just when Harry is taking a step in Caleb's direction. I don't think he was going to take an actual blow at him but he was definitely about to burst all over his face and, as much as I would love to do the same to him for blindsiding us like this, I don't think this is the right place to start a fight. "He told me but I... It must've slipped my mind. Sorry"
Harry's full attention is on me now; he is staring at me, trying to read the potential lie on my face, but judging by the way his colors are beginning to subside and his breathing is slowly settling, he believes me. Or at least, he chooses to do so, because I know that deep inside, he can tell that I'm full of shit.
He knows me well enough to realize that if I'd really known about him tagging along, I would have called this entire trip off.
"Next!"
The young man at the desk calls out for whoever is holding back the line and I blush intensely when I notice that is us.
I rush over to where he called me from and I had him my passport and ticket, apologizing profusely for the trouble. He politely says that is fine and asks me to put the suitcase on the scale.
On the corner of my eye, I see my ex fiancée doing the same in the desk next to me and I still can't believe how things turned up side down so quickly. One minute, I am excited about this week and the opportunity to step away from it all and the next, he is here.
"There you go. Have a nice flight" The young man hands me my boarding pass and after thanking him for it, I walk away to let another person do the process.
We have an hour to kill before they call us to board and I refuse to spend it with some awkward hang out with Harry and Caleb, so I just decide to stroll around the stores and maybe pick up a few magazines to read while we wait.
"Caleb just told me... he's a jackass" her soft, slightly touched by an Spanish accent voice startles me a little and when I turn around to meet her eyes, she seems a little embarrassed by his brand new and shiny boyfriend.
I can't help but feeling a bit amused by her statement and I chuckle as I grab the latest issue of Rolling Stone magazine and stuff it under my arm.
"He is. But it's okay" I assure her with a smile. "Let's just believe that he simply forgot to mention it and leave it at that"
Of course he didn't, though. I know him pretty well to know better but what's done is done, and is not like I can just turn around and call this thing off. Nor that I want to, either.
"Yeah, let's!" she laughs visibly relaxed by my conciliatory stance. "I am really excited about this. I've never been to New York. Caleb said you are from there so maybe we could make our own plans while they work!"
"That actually sounds like a fabulous idea!" The truth is that I really don't need to go to their meetings since I've already gave them the material they need perfectly detailed, and they seem to have it all under control. "It will be fun"
I have to say that I feel rather excited about it because playing the tourist guide will definitely give me the perfect excuse to avoid all unnecessary contact with my ex and take my mind off of all the things that I much desperately need a break from.
Tom.
His name pops in my head and this sudden feel of small panic curses through me. Should I call him and tell him about Harry? We are in a really weird place right now and I'm still not sure where we'll go after this, if we ever get passed it, but keeping this from him would make me a world-class hypocrite.
If the roles were in reverse and he had to share a business trip with his ex-girlfriend, I would definitely freak out if he'd kept it from me. Just like I did with the text messages, and the kiss he never had the chance to lie about.
I spend the rest of the time reading my magazine, talking to Lucía, actively avoiding Caleb and Harry, and calling and hanging up on Tom every five minutes. Every time I make up my mind about telling him about this whole thing, it only takes two seconds after hitting the call button for me to chicken out. Luckily for me, the reception in this place is close to nonexistent and I was able to hang up before the call even went through.
I think.
I hope.
When the voice on the speakers announces that our plane is ready to be boarded, I am calling him once more and this time, I keep the connection long enough to hear his voice. I cringe when he says hello, panicking over the fact that I don't exactly know what to say, but then he continues speaking and I realize that I have reached his voicemail.
I ponder over the option of hanging up once again but then I figure that he will get a missed call message after this so I might as well make something out of it.
"Hi... I supposed it's a good thing you didn't pick up so I can just say what I want to say" I am nervously picking on the skin around my nails, trying to steady my voice as I speak. "I heard what you did for my dad and the whole private flight thing... It was nice and I wanted to thank you for that" That's good. This is coming out pretty decent and civilized so I just relax a little and I keep on talking. "I'm at the airport right now and we're about to hop on the plane... Harry's here" As I spit out this information on his voicemail, I try to tell myself that I am doing this in the name of honesty, but there's also a part of me that is doing this to provoke something in him. "I didn't know he was coming but I thought you should know... And don't worry about a thing! Even if I don't owe a fucking single thing to you, if he tries to kiss me I'll make sure to put him in his place. Because that's what people do when kissed without permission. Anyhow, got to go. Bye"
I expect to get this sentiment of guilt for being such a bitch towards the end of my message but it never happens. Instead, I have this stupid proud smile on my face as this sense of much deserved payback floods me from head to toe. I am officially behaving like a twelve year-old and I love it.
Don't be surprise if you have one hundred missed calls or text messages by the time you touch American soil.
Of course I won't be surprised by that. There is no point in denying that the intention behind that message was to definitely toy with his mind.
Forty-five minutes later I am already settled in my designated seat of the plane. I remain silent and blindly staring at the tiny window, ruminating over so many things at once, that I am not really thinking about anything at all, and I am just waiting for the rest of the passengers to be seated so we can finally be ready to get off the ground.
A sudden movement on my right, followed by a thud, jerks me out of my unorganized thoughts. When I look up, he is bending over, trying to pick up whatever he dropped on the narrow aisle of the plane. I chuckle lightly to the view of him; tall and always so awkward within confined spaces and it actually takes me back to a very specific moment in our two year history.
Middle of the summer in Wales. Harry and I were already going exclusive so all of those days of hiding and sneaking around were far behind us, and we were happy. We were visiting his recently widowed father in Swansea, but by third day he was already crawling out of his skin and to be fair, so was I. The atmosphere of Harry's childhood home was so stale and filled with constant reminders of the dead that I had decided to take him on a small road trip around the country side.
Everything was going smoothly until this unexpected storm came down on us, turning the road we were on into this mud pool where the car got inevitably stuck. There was nothing we could do other than just wait for the rain to at least wane, so we thought that the proper and only way for us to kill the time, was to have sex.
Needless to say, we tried to find the perfect position for him to be comfortable enough to move, but we failed so hard that we just ended up cracking up hysterically over the whole situation, to then settle for a good make out session where we proudly got to the third base.
"Need some help with that, Stonker?" The nickname comes out unwittingly and I quickly regret it. He snaps back up from his crouching position and I can almost see his pupils blowing out in sheer surprise. "Uhm... Let me get that for you" I hurry myself to slide out of my seat and onto the one closer to the aisle so I can lean over the edge and grab what I can now see, is his backpack. "Here!"
He is still recovering from what I just called him so it takes him a few seconds to reach for his belonging and stuff it into the cabinet above our heads. Internally, I am scolding myself for such an outburst.
"I can't believe you called me that..." He lets out while letting himself drop on the seat next to mine.
"I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that... I guess it just came out" I apologize as airily as I can in order to downplay the implications of that word. Of course I know exactly why I called him that but there is no chance in hell that I will ever admit to him that I was just reminiscing about the day and place where that alias was established.
"Don't be... It was nice. Shocking, but nice"
He is looking at me with a new emotion in those jade colored eyes of his; an emotion I had never seen on him before and it scares me a little to find it now. It almost seems to be like a flame, burning briefly but bright enough to nit be overlooked. He seems hopeful.
That sting of guilt I was waiting for earlier comes crushing down on me with the weight of a thousand blocks of concrete, and it is as powerful as it is unexpected. Because it is a guilt that's directed towards the last person I would've imagined. Because I feel like shit over the idea that this stupid word I've just let slip out of my reckless mouth might ignite this wild fire I won't be able to contain.
I need to do some serious damage control and suffocate that spark before it is too late.
"Either way... It was out of place and I shouldn't have said it. It won't happen again" I say determinedly but with a little affection laced on my words.
He wants to say something else but a beeping noise comes out of the speakers, followed by the silky voice of one of the stewardess. She is letting us know about the safety protocol for the flight and, as she is indicating us to prepare ourselves for take-off, the fasten your seatbelts sign lights up in front of me.
Half a minute later, the pilot greets us all and shares with us the details of the flight and the weather conditions we should expect during the journey.
"Now, if you are all so kind to turn off your mobile devices, we can begin to take off"
I reach for my cellphone at the back pocket of my jean and I quickly check for any missed calls or unseen messages before turning it off. Nothing has arrived but when I am about to shut it down, Tom's name and face show up on the screen.
With my eyes fixated on his and a smirk on my face placed there as if he could actually see it, I press down the top button of the phone, silencing and shutting it off for the next nine hours.