Melissa
Jason puts his arms around her. As difficult as it is to watch, I honestly can't stop looking. He kisses her lips softly, "I miss you, Leslie. All games aside." I watch as he pushes her bangs out of her eyes. "We can go out to dinner and come up with a way to compromise."
"There is no way, unless you just ---"
"Come on, Leslie! I'm trying!"
I find the longer that I sit in the car, the more pissed I am becoming at the situation taking place outside his car. I should have gotten out the car the moment he made his choice. Instead, I sit in the car, looking like a dumb ass trying hard to fight the tears that so badly wants to fall.
*****
I sit alone in the living room couch, staring at the television set. I'm not really watching television. The radio is playing slow jams off in the distance. I just feel so out of place and alone, since coming down to Georgia to try again with Jason. I've only been here for three days and it doesn't seem that we are getting anywhere close to where we used to be. I pull my legs up on the couch and wrap my arms around them. Jason is so damn distant with me. He acts as though he was a perfect boyfriend. He was. A thought comes from the back of my head.
I try to shake my thoughts away, because I know that he was a good husband, boyfriend, and friend to me. I'm the one that lead him to Diamond and Leslie. I'm not excusing his behavior, but I am going to take responsibility for my part. If I had never kept testing him, he would have stayed loyal. I mean, a man can only take so much, before they completely give up. It's crazy, because even though he cheated on me, he didn't completely give up. He still wanted this marriage. I guess he just needed some time.
When I hear the first few lyrics of I Found You, playing on the radio, I turn to look at the radio. I close my eyes as a tear slip from the corner of my eyes. All I can think about is Jason, hugging me and singing to me in the hotel room. The way he looked at me that night, when he sang the song. I know that he didn't fake everything that he felt for me. I felt it in my heart that he meant every single word.
I understand why we're the way that we are now, but I can't handle it so well. The night that I gave him head, I thought things might get a little better. I suck him good in the shower and things just return to normal. We don't argue with one another. We don't fight with one another. We don't talk to one another.
I close my eyes and bury my face in my legs, realizing that I'm going to have to give him what he wants. A divorce. His space. My mom had always told me that you can't make a man love you. . . But he does love me. He's just so . . . I sob uncontrollably at the thought of letting him go. How do a person begin to let all that go? Lord knows that I don't want to let him go. In the last few days, he has demonstrated that he doesn't want this marriage. He doesn't even say shit to me sleeping on the couch.
My whole body shakes as I finally break down over my new reality. My new normal. I will have to run back to Chicago and let him go. He doesn't want me here, and I feel as though I'm invisible.
I stand up and take a deep breath, looking around the living room. Breaks My Heart by Monica comes on the radio as I make my way to the bedroom. I glance at Jason's sleeping face. I suddenly think about all the good times that we had. In my mind, the good times outweigh our bad times by hundreds. We had so many of them. He is more than my baby. We started this as best friends and now I'm walking away from him. It's what he wants anyway.
I take my attention away from him and walk to the closet to pull out a bag. Tears pour from my eyes as I yank clothes off the hangers and toss them into the bag. My vision is blurry as I fill the bag up. I'm so infuriated with myself and how I treated this relationship. I had told this boy that I love him more. My shoulders shake as I yank the last piece of clothing from the closet and toss it in the bag. I didn't really bring anything with me, when I had traveled with Terrance. The things that are at his place now are the things that I had packed in boxes.
I zip the bag up and try to wipe my tears away, but my tears keep falling down my cheeks, drenching my face. I slip my sandals on in a hurry. I haven't thought my plan through all the way, so I'm reacting only off emotions. I keep thinking about Jason talking with Ashlee and being right there when he asked her out on a date.
My whole body feels weak as I think about him disrespecting me. He doesn't think twice about his actions. I walk over to the night stand and grab Jason's wallet. I open it and pull out his work debit card. I throw his wallet back on the nightstand, grab my bag, and walk out the bedroom, without turning to look at him one last time.
I walk into the living room and look around. I take a shaky breath and try to control my emotions. I turn around to look down the hallway at Jason's bedroom door. It would be so easy to just put my things away and try a little harder. I shake my head, sadly. No, I can't keep trying with a man that doesn't want to try with me. I can feel it his body language that he's officially over us. I turn to face the living room again. I give a sad sigh as I walk towards the front door.
I put my hands on the knob and look down at the carpet. One of the hardest thing to do in life is leaving someone that you don't want to leave. My tears threaten to fall once again. I shift my gaze to a picture in a five by eight picture frame of Jason and I at prom. I stare at the picture for what seem like forever, but it's only been a couple minutes. I take my attention from the picture and turn the knob and walk out the door.
*****
I give the cab driver the cash I owed him for taking me to the greyhound station. I step out the cab and head towards the entrance of the station. I try to remain mentally calm, but inside I'm slowly dying. I figure that I can stay strong, until I get home. Then, I can go back home and explain everything to my mom. Well, what Jason's parents haven't told her.
I stand in the long line and glance at my watch. It's two in the morning. I wonder if Jason will come to Chicago once he sees that I'm gone, or will he just be happy about me not being there.
My phone rings loudly, and I hurry and take it out of my purse. Speaking of the devil. It's Jason calling me. I adjust my bag over my shoulder as I contemplate in taking his call. I stare at my phone screen and take a deep breath, before accepting the call. He is still my husband, regardless of everything that we go through.
"Hello?"
"Where you at?" He sounds so tired."It's two in the fucking morning and I have to wake up to see you gone with most of your shit. Where are you?"
I can hear him getting into his car. "Why? You don't want me there."
"I don't want you in the fucking streets either! We don't know these streets, baby!"
I try not to smile at him calling me his baby, but it's something I yearned for in the last few days. A small smile creeps onto my face as I step out the line. Maybe there is hope for us.
"I'm at the greyhound station."
I already know that he's going to lose his mind.
"What the hell are you . . . How did you get there? And how are you going to buy a ticket?"
"I uh . . . borrowed your card. I was going to mail it back. I just needed it to get a ticket to get back to Chicago." I look down, shamefully. I knew that I was wrong, when I took his wallet, but now I feel worse.
"I'm on my way. We'll talk when I get there." That is all he says, before ending the call.
I put my phone away and look at the line. I decide to just take a seat on one of the benches. I don't know if he's coming to bring me back to his place, or if he's coming to say goodbye to me. He didn't specify anything on the phone.
*****
I stare at the entrance. It's been a little over twenty minutes, since I had gotten off the phone with Jason. My nerves are literally driving me crazy. I really didn't know what to expect. I give a tiny yawn and look at my watch. Never did I imagine that I will be in a bus station early in the morning, trying to leave Atlanta. This is not at all how in envision my future with Jason.
I turn my attention back to the entrance and Jason walks in, looking around. I stand up and put my bag over my shoulder. Jason focuses on me as I get closer to him. I swear it feels as though my heart is going to beat the hell out of my chest. I don't know why I'm like this. Maybe it's the fact that I know that after this moment, that whatever will happen between us . . . Will happen. Either I will be going back with him, or heading back home without him.
Jason takes a deep sigh as I step in front of him. He stands there in front of me, shaking his head. He looks around and then looks back into my eyes.
"Why the fuck you had to leave in the middle of the night? Are you trying to fuck my head up more?"
"No." I say a bit taken aback by his reaction to me leaving.
He runs his hand over his head, shaking his head. He takes my bag off my shoulder and walks toward the entrance. I follow behind him. Wait. Does this mean he wants me to stay with him. Inside, I'm jumping for joy. I was expecting the worse, because the last few days have been hell between us.
Jason opens the passenger's door for me and waits for me to get in the car, before closing it. He hurries to his side and tosses my bag in the backseat. He gets into the driver's seat and closes the door. We sit in complete silence for a couple minutes, before Jason turns the car on. I watch him as he turns the radio on and leans back in his seat. I let my eyes roam from his legs up to his eyes. He is looking back at me. I turn away from him and look out the window.
"We need to have a serious talk, Mel." Jason says in a quiet voice.
I nod my head in agreement.
Jason clears his throat, which makes me turn to look at him. He has tears in his eyes as he looks angrily at the steering wheel. "I'm tired, baby."
The look on his face is enough to bring tears to my eyes. I know what kind of talk this will be. He doesn't even have to finish his thoughts. I blink a few times to stop myself from crying. I want to remain strong, because I have cried entirely too much over this relationship.
"I remember the first day that we became more than friends." I turn to him to find him shaking his head. "Man, I was so fucking happy. You and I were like . . ." He pauses for a few seconds. "No words can describe what we were, but we were good. We were really good." Jason nods his head, still staring the steering wheel.
"I told you some time ago, when I proposed to you that I couldn't fake what I felt for you. Well, I can't fake being with you. I don't want this relationship, Mel. I know that you think that I've been ignoring you and purposely pissing you off, but I don't want it. I just want to be left alone."
His words are like a knife to my heart. I bite my bottom lip to keep from bursting out in tears. I want to scream at him, or yell at him, but I know that his reasons for feeling this way is justifiable.
"I fucked up." Jason continues. "Maybe it's my fault that we couldn't make it in a relationship. Maybe when we found out Leslie was pregnant, I should have let you go, but I was stubborn. Your love is the most important thing to me." He shakes his head as his tears stream down his cheeks. "I shouldn't have asked you to stay. When you told me you were unhappy, I should have gave you your space. I thought that I could make shit right, if you knew how much I love you." He gives a bitter laugh. "But I should have known I fucked up badly."
"I fucked up more." I whisper. I don't look at Jason. I can't look at him. This talk is one of the most difficult talks we've ever had. "I should have tried harder. I don't even know how Cameron had the chance to get so involved in my life." I admit.
I remember all the times that I kept Cameron at a distance. Then, the one time that he asked to take me out, I actually agree with him. From that day on . . . he's been in my life as a constant reminder that I don't deserve Jason.
"You felt you needed him." Jason says, quietly. "I pushed you into thinking that you needed him. I could have took all your pain away." He choke up a little. "What the fuck, Mel?"
I quickly turn to Jason to see that he is laying his head on the steering wheel. He looks back to me. "You really think that I want to walk away from you? Hell, I've been trying to keep us afloat this whole damn time! I married you, because I love the shit out of you! I got your name on me and made plans with you for the future. I stood up to my father for your ass!" he rests his forehead back on the steering wheel and cry, softly.
I don't know what to say to him, so I just let him cry. Kerri was right all the times that she said that I should let him go, until I got my shit together. Now we're sitting here in Atlanta's greyhound station, breaking up with one another. I press my lips together and wipe my tears from my face.
"I'm sorry." I say to him. I know these words probably don't mean anything to him right now. I mean, especially when he adds up all the shit that I had done to him. "You were perfect. It was never you. It was me." It sounds so cliché, but it's the truth.
Jason lifts his head up and wipes his tears from his cheeks. I'm the only one who could break this boy down the way that I do. This is not one of my proudest moments.
"I want a divorce, Mel."
I nod my head. I feel like I have no choice, but to agree to how he feels. By fighting it, I'm showing him that I don't love him enough to let him go.
"I don't think that we should talk once you leave." He keeps his eyes on the steering wheel. "We need to take a long break from one another. I'll take a DNA test once the baby is born."
I choke back my tears and nod once again. The thought of Jason not being in my life at all is like ripping my beating heart out of my chest. How does he expect me to live without him?
"If you need anything, tell Terrance. He'll let me know." Jason speaks calmly, but I hear the hurt all in his voice. He doesn't want to let us go either.
I won't need anything, but I'm just going to walk away from him. I try to reach into the back seat to grab my bag. Nothing else needs to be said. He said how he felt and we agreed that we're going to get a divorced from one another. Jason stops me, grabbing my arm.
"I don't feel comfortable with you taking the bus back home." He takes a deep breath. "You're pregnant and . . . I just don't think you should be on the bus by yourself." He glances at me, before starting the car. "I'll take you home. I can get you there in about nine or ten hours."
I don't say anything as I put my seat belt on. Jason licks his lips a little and continues to sneak looks my way. I can feel his eyes on me as I look out the window. I would prefer to take the long ass bus ride home, but I'm not about to argue with him. I just want to be left alone and cry, until I have no more tears left in my body.
My momma had always said that if you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours to keep. I love Jason with everything inside me, so the thought of letting him go is scary as hell. And I know that he already found a little company with the girl I saw him talking with in the hallway.