"Sasha, this is the worst birthday hangout, holy shiiiat," Connie groaned.
"What are we supposed to do?" Sasha asked. "It's literally only the two of us and Eren and Jean are banned from everywhere and Armin's, Christa's and Eren's family is on vacation, and Jean is grounded for the next week." Sasha slouched onto the couch as she groaned. She was regretting planning her birthday at the last minute.
"I've got it!" Connie stated triumphantly.
"What?" Sasha asked.
"We, are going to prank call EVERYONE." Connie said triumphantly.
At first Sasha stared at him, thinking it was a horrendous idea since they were friends with people like Mikasa and Annie, but she realized they were friends with nervous idiots like Bertolt and... Well, regular angry idiots like Eren.
"Oh hell yeah!" Sasha replied.
∾◦☼◦∾
Connie and Sasha decided to use Sasha's home phone since non of their friends would know who the caller was. Immediately, they dialed Eren's number and waited for him to pick up. When he did, they heard a "hello" on the other end.
Immediately, Sasha began to snicker so Connie took over and used a voice that made him sound like an old lady. "Hello? Is this my neighbor?"
"Um, I don't know, is it?" Eren asked, already sounding confused.
"Well, I was feeding my children in the backyard, and I think your tree ate them," Connie continued, making Sasha go into a laughing fit that she had to try so hard to hide.
"Um, my tree ate your- who is this and how did you get my number?" Eren asked.
"I'm the old lady down the street," Connie replied.
"Be more specific please," Eren said, sounding very irritated.
"So my cat was walking down the street when it got hit by a flying ice cream truck," Connie stated.
"Wha-"
"Is your refrigerator running? Because it ran over my only father," Connie stated.
"Who the hell is this? Is this a prank call?" Eren shouted into the phone before Connie hung up.
Connie and Sasha laughed as they rolled around on the floor, laughing thief asses off.
"Who should we call next?" Connie asked.
"Christa," Sasha stated.
"What? She's too nice!" Connie said.
"Too late." Sasha had already dialed the number.
"Hello?" Spoke Christa's voice.
"Hello," Sasha replied trying to imitate the grammar and accent an Asian immigrant would have. "This is hospital?"
"Um, sorry, no you have the wrong number-"
"My son have problems. He too much TV. I need him fix," Sasha continued trying not to laugh.
"Excuse me?" Christa asked.
"Yes. He too much TV. No much study. He got 92 on last report card. No good, no good," Sasha stated.
"I'm sorry, but I can't help you with that," Christa tried to explain. "You have the wrong-"
"He also no eat rice," Sasha added, trying not to burst into laughter.
"This is the wrong number-"
"He disappoint his father-" the line was cut off, leaving Sasha and Connie laughing on the floor.
"Wait, can I call Marco? I have an idea," Connie stated.
Sasha nodded. "Bring it."
The phone rang a couple times before Marco was able to pick up and respond. This time, Connie imitated a crying woman.
"Please help me, I can't find my child anywhere!"
"Um, mam, I think you want to call the police station," Marco responded.
"This... This isn't the police station?" Connie whimpered.
"I'm sorry, but no."
"Can I at least tell you what he looks like so if you see him you'll return him?" Connie added in a sniff.
"Um, yeah, sure," Marco replied.
"He is small," Connie started out. "He sounds like a boy when he talks, and-"
"Mam, I hate to interrupt, but you have to find more details," Marco said.
"Details. Oh, okay. He has purple skin-"
"Purple skin?" Marco asked.
"Yes," Connie responded. "He took a bath in toxic waste and came out purple. And he has three eyes."
"Are you really looking for a purple person with three eyes?" Marco asked.
"He's my son!" Connie pretended to cry harder. "He's everything to me!"
"I really can't help you, I'm sorry," Marco said.
"Then may the power of a thousand angry demons pull you right into the fiery depths of the underworld!" Connie cursed in a foreign sounding accent, then hung up.
"Wow, that last part was intense..." Sasha whistled.
"Yeah, whatever," Connie cracked his knuckles while displaying a proud look on his face.
"Hey, I just got an amazing idea," Sasha said while looking through her contact list on her phone. Once she found the person, she tapped the call button and put it on speaker.
"What are you-" Connie began, but he was shushed by Sasha.
Then, someone picked up. Bertolt's voice came through. "Hello?"
"Hey, um Bert. How are ya?" Sasha said, trying to sound a little more depressed than normal.
"Um, good. How are you?"
She sighed. "I need to tell you something."
There was a moment of hesitation. "What is it?" Bertolt replied.
"Are you sitting down?" Sasha asked.
"I am now," Bertolt said.
Sasha tried her best not to laugh right before she got to the best part. "Bertolt, I'm pregnant with your child."
Connie immediately ran to the couch and grabbed a pillow to muffle his laughter.
There was a silence at the other end of the line. Then, he began to stutter. "W-wait... What?"
Sasha sighed once again. "Please don't make me repeat it another time, I'm pregnant and you're the father."
"B-but. How? When... W-why?" Bertolt stuttered. He was definitely confused.
"I did a pregnancy test and everything, you're definitely the father," Sasha continued.
"I never even slept with you!" Bertolt shouted.
"You don't remember that one night?" Sasha asked. "It was at a party and things got wild," she winced.
"No, I don't remember," Bertolt stated.
"Stop denying it Bertolt! You're the father, the backbone of this household. You have to support the child! Get a job!"
"I'm not even going into my sophomore year yet!" Bertolt hesitated.
Suddenly, Connie grabbed the phone. "Hey Bert. You think you can go around doing the do like bunnies with Sasha? Huh?" Connie tried to sound aggressive, but to Sasha, it sounded plain stupid. "Well I won't stand for it!"
"But-"
"The next time I see you, you will be in a world of pain, got it, Bert?"
"But-"
And that was when Connie hung up. Immediately after, the two kids got into a fit of laughter. They held onto their stomachs since it hurt to laugh that hard.
"Poor Bert," Sasha choked through her laughter.
"Oh, he'll get over it," Connie waved it off. "He'll probably figure out it's a prank call."
∾◦☼◦∾
Bertolt sat in the corner of his room huddled into a little ball. He rocked back and forth while Reiner sat in his chair, spinning around. Reiner had already given up hope to console the boy.
Bertolt was muttering things like: "When did that ever happen? Why can't I remember? Connie is going to beat me up!" And "I'm just in high school! Why me?"
Reiner tried his best to tell the boy that Sasha and Connie were probably playing a prank on him, but poor Bert was too engrossed in his nightmares to listen. So, Reiner sighed and decided to leave the boy huddled up in the corner. Meanwhile, Reiner took that time to go through Bertolt's undeleted internet history.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AN:
It is technically Sasha's birthday where I live because it's 1:30 in the morning. Because I stayed up that late. Yeah. Happy birthday to the wonderful Sasha Braus and may your birthday be more alive than my soul.