" And I wanna kiss you, make you feel alright, I'm just so tired to share my nights.
I wanna cry and I wanna love, But all my tears have been used up "-Another Love, Tom Odell.
"I don't know where and I don't know when, But I know we'll be lovers again.
I'll see you some day before the end, I don't know where and I don't know when"-Heart's On Fire, Passenger.
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A Message from Aiden,
Written for My Love; Jade.
On a sad part of every romance book, they rarely told you on how the guy felt. Let me tell you, they usually delete the guy's part since it is way too pathetic.
You see that pale guy with the messy blonde hair with a really disgusting dark circles and wrinkled shirt ? Well, hello. That's me. Usually this is not who I am. I mean, I can't even tell who he is.
In my real life, I was a perfect guy, at least for me. I went to Academy of Arts University to get my art major, and I wasn't bad at it. Girls are all around me, thanks to my beautiful mother's gene. And frankly, I liked being around a bunch of girls.
Until I saw her.
I thought she just an ordinary girl, waiting for the train. I thought I could mess with her, since she's UCSF's student, and usually they're pretty uptight. But then I realized that she's different. She's not an uptight girl like I thought she would be, but she's definitely not a party animal like Allie.
I like her. I like her a lot. When the first time I heard her laughter, I thought I was going crazy. All this time I made her let out a cute groan in annoyance was nothing compared to her laughter. I was cursing myself for not making her laugh at the first time we met, cause that will be a hell lot easier.
When I told Allie about the girl, her jaw hit the floor. I asked her why did she acted like I've never talk to her about girls, but then it hits me : I've never had. She said that the girl was amazing, but she's a little quiet, and when I told her that I take her on a date at New Year's Eve, Allie's jaw hit the floor again. She never thought that that girl would actually let me in, and later she was hectic and screaming in happiness. She said that soon she had a beautiful sister-in-law. My sister's definitely something.
We went on dates, we hung out, we kissed and after two months I knew it. I knew that I love her. I never tell her though, since I was scared that she might left me. I mean, we're not even dating like officially, and we only met for two months.
We almost did it. I got a little bit carried away, and we almost did it. At the moment, I was planning on telling her that I love her, but then we got interrupted. God it's embarassing trying to remember what happen that day, since my sister and my cousin caught us red handed. My sister was beaming at me, mouthing 'nephews and nieces would be good' at me, but then when I saw Karen furiously staring at me mad and furious. She said something about me being a player, and how stupid can my love be for hanging out with me, and it hits me. People still think that I was a jerk, a player, a womanizer. If I told her that I love her, she'll definitely left me; because I knew she still had the mindset of me being a player, and to be honest I would think the same if I was her.
My sister came at me that night after I left Jade's apartment. She said that I made Karen pissed off since I visited their apartment. I told her that I won't come again, but she told me later on that something is off with Karen. Because it's a girl thing that I don't quiet understand, I just let it slip off. I call Jade that night, to make sure she's okay. I remembered perfectly that I call her girlfriend by mistake, and she laughed it off. Maybe you'd think I'll get offended by that, but her laughter is just like the center of my life.
I never knew things could go downhill after that. When we go to our date, she changed. She's not the cheery, happy, and careless girl that I knew. I thought she was just going on a phase since she got into a fight with her bestfriend, but it didn't get any better from there.
She ignore my calls. She didn't read my texts. She use every excuse just to make sure that we won't go to lunch together. Our dates is just awful because she went quiet and she built up her walls. The girl who always open up to me, who always had that amusing laughter, who always smile back at me, who kissed me like her life depending on it, the same girl who I fell in love with was gone. She's not there anymore.
I was sulking, depressed at the situation. I drink at night, I slept only for two hours, I cried everytime I saw her picture or remembered her. I sobbed at my lockscreen, which is the picture of her which I secretly took when she was asleep at my car. My hands trembles everytime I want to cook, because I remembered how much she loved my food even though I cook the simplest thing I could. I was a pathetic guy who cried over a girl-not just a girl, an amazing girl.
My twin, Kristen, is the first person to notice my mood changes. I think it's because of our twin thing that we had, she came first before anyone else. She currently live in Hong Kong, to get her Law Degree. I told her about everything and she said that it was okay. She told me that if I love someone, I need to let her go. She'd eventually comeback, and if she didn't then she was never mine to begin with. What she said was nice but also scary at the same time. Having a possibility of losing Jade is not okay with me. She said that she was sorry, and she offered to stay with me for a while but I declined. She needs to get her Law Degree, not taking care of her heart-broken older brother.
Then, Tom tried to contact me at any time, but I ignore him. He began to leave me messages but I threw my phone away when I heard him asking why am I acting like this. My step-sister was worried sick about me, when she saw me staring into the window pane blankly while drawing black horrid sketches at my sketch book. My professor said that I loose my touches, that my painting is way too gloomy or didn't fit the aspect he's trying to get. He said that he was amazed by my drawing of a girl, of Jade, but he wants more than a picture of a girl.
My mother called me when she got a phone call from Al, about my well being. She said that I should be more open to her, to tell her what's happening, and I did tell her. She said that maybe Jade is scared to take any other step forward, maybe she saw everypath on her life has their own trap, maybe she didn't know what to do. She told me that I need to tell her that I love her, maybe she can figure her way out easier.
She said that maybe I am the only hope for her to fix her problems. I remembered perfectly that I told her she's perfect the way she is, she needs nothing else, especially a wreck like me. My mother response makes my heartmelt. She said that even the most perfect and strongest building in the world, they still need maintenance and support, even if it's the tiniest form of them. I thanked her for being a great mother, but still my heart is still wounded, I'm still lost without her. I'm still lost without Jade.
My brother, River, told me that I should come up to her and tell her. Tell her that I love her, tell her that I need her and she'll understand. He said that he had experienced this before, he said that I was going to be fine. But he's wrong.
I met her on the same exact place we met, Mission Street. She's still beautiful even after eight months. The only thing that changed is her voice. It doesn't sound firm and strong as she was before. She sounded weak, like she can do nothing, like she loose hope. Her brown eyes are shining through her perfect curved lashes, but not as shiny as before. She looked at me like she saw a ghost, and to be honest I would do the same since my pasty face are quiet contrast with my dark circles.
She told me that she don't want to see me, that she think what we had is not possible. She said that I need to leave her alone, and she said that we both could live happily even if we're not with eachother. I tried to convince her that we can do this, that we were made for each other, but she cried. And her tears and her sob is the only thing that could trigger my own tears.
I cried to the fact that I made her cry that day on the same place I made her laugh for the first time. I cried to the fact that I actually need to let her go just to make her happy. I cried to the fact that I wasn't the guy who could make her happy, the guy who will always by herside the rest of her life, to be the lucky guy who could kiss her every night to tell her how much he love her, to vow to her that he'll never leave herside even if the time separate us apart.
Walking away from her is easier said that done. It's like you're walking away for the first time you went to school. The feeling of angst, worries, nervousness and fear is there. It's like I lost everything that I could live for. It's like I was just a crumpled paper that was being thrown to a bin of sadness.
I didn't dare to look back. I couldn't think about her expression. Maybe she would be mad, or maybe she's smiling, or maybe she cried. I don't know. But I know that I'm not okay with this, that I'm not happy, that I cried on my way home.
It's been two weeks of me crying about her, and me staying on my bed under the duvet. Al began to check on me on daily basis afterschool, Kristen called me everynight just to talk to me about random things to make sure I'm still there, Tom decided to moved in with me to take care of me since I was not in the mood for doing anything, not even in the mood to breath. I'm that depressed.
My mother was worried sick, she visited me twice now, but I ignore her everytime. I didn't need any lecture about me being reckless, since all I could think about is Jade.
My father was furious at me, saying that I wasted a lot of money on uni but I didn't even have my focus on uni. He said that I need to move on, but my mother defend me. She told him that I needed some time for myself, and I don't know what else she told him but he began to step away from me, but still sometimes he got that angry look on his face.
My score are all over the place. My paintings suck, my sketches are awful, even my classmates began to tap my shoulder everytime they saw me drawing something that completely out of place or completely dark.
I tried to say to myself that I have moved on from her, but I still think about her. About her soft wavy blonde hair, about her tawny light brown eyes who shines through her lashes, her pink lips, her laughter who always makes me smile, and everything about her. I still love her, I even love her more than I have ever before.
All I can say is I hope the best for her. I hope she got her degree, and I hope she's still drawing to express herself. I hope she can go to New York for an art degree later on, just like she wanted. I hope she'll meet a new person who's definitely better than me.
I hope she can found her someone, her soulmate who's going to take her on dates, to help her stay calm whenever she study, to draw something together with her, to sing along with her at a car ride, to cook her some popcorns for movie night, to help her pick her favourite sereal that somehow always on the highest top shelf, to kiss her like she's the one, to wipe her tears whenever she cry and to be there for her no matter what.
Jade, You may never know how important you are to me or how much I care for you, but you are and you will always be. Bear in mind that I couldn't afford to lose someone I've learned to care about so much.
I love you more today than yesterday, than weeks and months ago, but it's not more than how I'll love you tomorrow. You are my passion, my life, my love. Without you I would have no reason to live. All the stars in the universe could not replace what we have together. If I had to choose between breathing and loving you I would use my last breath to tell you I love you. I love you, Jade.
Jade, I didn't plan anything in my life, but you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Jade, I love you for all that you are, for all that you've been and all you're yet to be.
Jade, please don't forget me, cause I'll never forget about you. Your smile, your eyes, you laughter, anything. They're always in my mind, always.
Jade, I love you forever and ever.
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A/N:
God, now I feel bad making Aiden's life suck. Dammit.
:( is my expression when I'm rereading this chapter before I published it.
:'''( is my expression when I'm writing this chapter. I got too carried away,I know. But doyou think the chapter is sad? Lemme know.
Recommended song to accompany you sulking with Aiden : Heart's On Fire by Passenger (which I added the link of the video on External Link if you want to check it out). Or, you can listen to Tom Odell's Another Love which I put up there at the top. Both of them is just really deep and heart-wrenching. They makes me shiver and shudder. And yeah, I did put the lyrics at the top. I can't decide which one to choose, both of them are great songs.
p.s. sulking with a hot guy like Tim Borrmann is not a bad thing, don't you think? Okay I'm sorry, a little too soon.
Be patient for the next chapter, and don't forget to vote if you like this chapter and tell me what you think, what will happen next?