This specific chapter is dedicated to my single and ready to mingle best friend, LouJacks. Yup, go date her people.
Chapter Nine : Her Biggest Regret
The next day, I had a terrible headache from hangover. Taking some pills, I got ready to go to uni. The session was boring and too tensed, and the worst is the fact that I got my mind to something else. I kept thinking about what Karen said, which haven't leave my mind for weeks now.
Maybe he is a player. And maybe I'm just one of his toy that he'll play around until he's bored. I'm perplexed on why did I need to have feelings with someone like him, why can't I have feelings with someone more safe, like my past dates. They are usually medicine majored student, gentlemen and most likely to be loyal yet I have no intentions on doing a relationship more than friends. Why did I need to fell for someone that is a total wild card in life ?
What Karen told me is the best option, since she was my bestfriend, of course she could be trusted. She's a lot wiser than I am and maybe I'm just too blinded with his charm. I knew what I picked is the best choice of all choices I had so I need to get away with it. Just straight, no turning back.
With that I made up my mind. I decided that I can't be with him. I need to move on from him, to get away from the possibilities of my heart getting broken. I ignore his calls, then I didn't answer his messages. When he asked me out for lunch I told him that I'm not hungry. When he asked me out on a date I told him I have tests tomorrow. If I actually went on a date with him, I ignore him, leaving us in an uncomfortable silence. He tried to speak to me while I answer him with one word. Just like that.
It's not easy to act like that when you actually had a feeling for the person you're ignoring. I feel bad everytime he smiled at me, because I didn't smile back. Everytime he called me, I'd never answer him like I used to. To hold myself to act like I was a bitch so he'll eventually leave me is hard when all I want is him to take care of me, to kiss me, to hug me, to take me on dates, to be my one and only.
I began to cry everynight after study. I locked myself in my room, acting like I was a hermit until reality hits me that I missed him, and I cried until I fell a sleep or I usually take some of the beers from the fridge. Guilty, pathetic, lonely and a bitch is what I am right now.
As with Karen, everything was surprisingly fine. We began to talk after four days but not as frequent as before because I avoid her most of the time. Call me self-centered but a piece of my heart blame her for knocking some sense into my brain about Aiden. I know I shouldn't but I did. She tried to talk to me but usually I answer her when I needed to only.
Al has been joining us at lunch lately, trying to take me out from my shell but it's useless. There are too many feelings I have right now, and talking about how handsome Cameron Dallas or how manipulating Mrs. McNally is or how great is the new Rachel Patten's song is not making them go away, it actually made it worst.
Locking myself makes me feel better. It's like I have no worries about getting someone else hurt by me, and it's easier for me to deal with this pretending bullshit I'm doing with Aiden. I didn't need to worry about breaking down in front of people, or tell people unnecessary things, or confide people with my pathetic story. Yep, locking myself out and leaving Aiden is my choice that I chose, and I hope I can stick with it.
***
"Just forgive her, J" I put my book down and narrowed my eyes at Al. We're in the library, since I need to study for upcoming test, whilst Al here trying to persuade me into something. Like usual.
"I've forgiven her," I said quickly before I read my book again. She ran her hand through her hair in stress before she sighed.
"Really ? You forgave her ?" she asked unsurely. I nodded at her without making any eye contact.
"Yes, kinda. I mean, in time we'll be like we used to be," I said flipping the book's page. This time I didn't even read the book, I just pretend like I did. The problems I had for the past week is now in my mind, not anything related to college.
"Well then, why are you avoiding-," I cut her off. "I did not avoid her, I just need my time," I said rolling my eyes. If she told Al that I avoid her or something, I completely changed my mind about forgiving her. Like really.
"As I was saying," she took my book away from me. I gave her an annoyed look, and I tried to grab my book again, but she hid it behind her back. I want to shout at her, but hey it's in the library.
"Give me back-,"
"Why are you avoiding him ?" we said in the same time. What she said leaving me dumbstruck. I put myself down on my seat again before I crossed my hands infront of my chest. I know who she's talking about, and to be honest I'm so done about this.
"What are you talking about," she snorted. "We all know who the hell am I talking about," I rolled my eyes, trying to look convincing.
"I'm not avoiding him, I'm trying to study. Relationship or whatever we had is not my priority," I replied flatly. She raised her eyebrow.
"Really ? Then why did you always dodge his offer on lunch ? Why did you say no everytime he asked you out ? Why did you only answer his question in one word ? Why did you act like you didn't have any interest on him ? Are you meeting someone new ?" she asked me, raising her tone. I rolled my eyes at her before I laughed humourlessly, fighting the urge to tell her that I never intended to do that to her brother.
"Did he tell you everything ? Like you know, confiding you with his struggles on life ? And no, I'm not meeting someone new. Like I said, I'm focusing myself in school stuff," I put my stuff inside my bag infuriated, leaving my phone ontop of the table so I could pocket it later. I almost stand up when Al took my phone away.
"What the fu-," I was cut off by the others, they're shushing at me and I gave them apologetic look.
"He texted you twenty times since morning, and you answered his message from yesterday this morning. You didn't bother to answer his calls even at Sunday, where we went to the store to buy some new clothes for us. Why are you doing this ?" she asked me irritatedly. I snatched my phone from her hand.
"Because I didn't believe him, anything he said and anything he did. Your step-brother is nothing but a player, just like what Karen says. I feel sorry for her for defending him on that fight, or on every single fight we had," I spoke out. She tried to say something but I cut her off, by saying something I'll definitely regret.
"Now, if you're excuse me, I need to study and I owe an apology to Karen. Tell your brother to stop bothering me, cause we're done" I pointed out heavily. I fight back the tears in my eyes from falling, turning my heels and walk towards the exit. I almost cry when I exited the library. God, what've I done ?
I feel somebody tap my shoulder. "You're a bitch, you know that ?" Alleta said before she pushed me on my shoulder. I looked at her in disbelief, but deep down I knew I would do the same if I were her.
"Why can't you just mind your own business ?" I said in defend. "I liked him, past tense. I don't like him anymore," I said menacingly but Al smiled weakly at me before retorted sarcastically.
"Oh, I'll mind my own business. I'll also tell him your pathetic little message from earlier," I felt like I was stung. "-but please, don't lie to yourself. Your tear speaks everything. And I won't include the tear part with my brother," she said looking at my cheek.
I just noticed that a tear fell from my eye unintentionally. I wiped it off without saying anything, watching her walk away pass me. Watching my chance to fell in love with who I really fell for go away with her. Watching Aiden's face with a hurt expression that maybe showed when she told me what I told her. Watching the light of my life, the basic of my existence go away with her.
God, what have I done?
*^*^*^*
I quickly put my books in my satchel, zipping it and stood up exiting the library. I heard my phone beeped, with Karen's name on the screen. I sighed.
"King," I said flatly as I hugged onto my coat tighter.
"Jade ! I need your help !" she shouted on the other line. I quickly put my phone in a two centimeters distance before I listens to her voice again.
"I need to make a pie for my mother ! You know I'm the worst at cooking !" she panickly shouted. I chuckled humourlessly.
"I'll help you, but you need to wait until I'm home. Gotta go, bye" I ended up the phone call quickly.
It's been seven months ish since my last encounter with him. It's been six months since I talked to Al properly. It's been seven months of me sulking over him, crying about him. And the worst thing is I still can't forget about him. His laughter, his smirk, his voice when he's singing, his company when I studied. God, I missed him.
Today is the first week of December, which means it's kind of chilly in San Fransisco. School has ended, my family visited me yesterday before they went back to their own lives and I was close once again with Karen, even though it's not as close as before.
It hurts seeing her sometimes. The selfish part of me is hating her for some reason, that is not even realistic. I can't blame her for saving me from Aiden. I mean he's a player, I think. But let's forget that, it's a few more weeks before New year, before a new page, a new chapter. New me.
"Jade !" I heard someone shout out my name. "Jade ! Jade !" I turned around to face someone I've been hiding from for six months. Someone I've been crying over. Someone I hurt unintentionally but I don't even know if he's hurting or not, but I do know that I am. Someone who's laughter I always adore. Someone who I always love, Aiden Reine.
He looked great as usual, but something a little bit off. It's like he didn't care about how he looks anymore, he just wore a wrinkled t-shirt, a black jeans and his black leather jacket. His hair was tousled everywhere, not in a sexy way but in a more depressed way. He had a black circle underneath his eyes that isn't that showing but I'm close enough to see. He doesn't looked like the boy I love, he looked like the other version of that boy. But I knew it was him, since I could smell his cologne and it smells the same even after seven months after my last encounter with his stepsister.
"Jade hear me out," he pleaded. I almost went away from him, but he held onto my hand. His touch makes me shiver, and it tingles. His hands were warm and not as soft but I like how it feels against my skin.
"I'm sorry if I did something wrong, I really am. I'm sorry if I hurt you or if I say something I shouldn't say but please talk to me," he begged. His expression seems genuine, and I couldn't help but try to fight my tears.
"I can't-I just can't do anything if you're ignoring me. I kept thinking about you for the past eight months and I was thinking about what I did. What did I do wrong ? I-I'll make it up for you, but please just talk to me. Forgive me Jade," he pleaded again. I could see he teared up underneath his dark blonde lashes, on his green eyes. The eyes that I used to admire, the eyes who stands out everytime he smiled, the eyes who always calms me down is now plain, sad and lost all of it's astonishing shine.
"Please, don't do this," I said fighting back my tears. "You-You didn't do anything wrong, it's just-just the fact that I think we're not meant to be together," I muttered heavily. I feel like I want to shout out the truth, that I didn't mean what I said, and the fact that I fell for him. I want to shout that I did this because I'm scared but I need to kept it in, yet his expression didn't help at all.
A tear fell from his eyes. "Why did you think like that about us ?" he asked me hoarsely. I looked away from his eyes, or else I would just break down infront of him in the middle of Mission St. which reminds me of our first date at New Year's Eve. How coincidental.
"J-Just please, leave me alone and we're going to be happy with someone new, okay ?" I released my hand from his grip. He didn't try to tighten his grip he just let me slip out from his hand, and I hope he didn't. I hope he grab my hand again, convince me to talk to him again, to be what we are eight months ago.
"Are you-are you meeting someone new ?" he said. I looked away from his eyes, trying to make his tears to not trigger mine. "No," I uttered lowly. We fell into a silent, which I almost get used to, but then he spoke out.
"I love you," he uttered lowly, but enough for me to hear. A tear that I've been fighting, that I've been holding to not fall, had just fell from my eyes.
"Don't say things you didn't mean," I stuttered, trying to act casual even though I'm literally crying. "Don't say sensitive things like that if you just want to play with me like you always did with other people," I added. His eyes widened.
"I mean it Jade, I really do love you," I shook my head wiping my tears. "We only met at New Year's Eve, how come you love me in that short period of time ? We only had a thing for four months, the rest is just blank. How come you can fall in love with me ?" I asked him. He's dumbstruck, like he tried to say something but he couldn't say anything.
"That's what I thought," I said stepping backwards, away from him. He didn't stop his tears that cascaded from his eyes at first, but then he wiped them away.
"Just leave me, Aiden" I stuttered, trying to keep my voice firm. He stepped forward and lifted my chin up. He stared into my eyes before he kissed me on the corner of my lips. I closed my eyes, enjoying his warmth that I've missed for eight months, his kiss that even though just for a few seconds bring me back to life, and his touch makes me shiver. He kissed the crown of my head again before he wiped my tears.
"Don't say things you didn't mean," he murmured, stepping backwards. I looked away from him, not wanting him to see me in a such vurnerable state. I can't face him while I cry for something I did with my will. He smiled at me, weakly while his tear stained cheeks are shining because of the sun.
"Look at me in the eye and say that you mean it," he said stepping closer, but I stepped back. "You know me well enough to know that I mean what I said," I said bitterly, holding back my tears. He chuckled humourlessly, before he sighed.
"I know you well enough to know that you didn't mean it," he said. "Do you really think it's best for us to just walk away from each other ?" he asked. My eyes are still around, not staring at his. But then I drew a breath, and looked at him in the eye. I can do this, I chanted.
"Yes," I said shortly, but enough for him to understand. He looked at me blankly, like he didn't know what to say, but then he stepped forward and surprisingly I didn't step back.
He caress my cheek softly and caring. I close my eyes at his touch on instinct, remembering how much I missed him. How much I wanted him to kiss me again, to smile at me, to hug me and to say he love me. His fingers stopped at my chin, lifting my head up a little.
"Remember the day we met ?" he said softly. "When the first time I look at you, I saw an ordinary girl. Even when I took you on a date, I was so sure you're nothing special. But the moment you laughed at the street, at my pathetic little story," he chuckled at the memory, "I knew you were definitely something," I felt a drop of tear fell onto my already stained cheek.
"The way you explained your painting, the way you told me each one of the details, the way you speak, is just unbelievable," he uttered. "It's true I've been with a lots of girls before, but none of them speaks the truth, or show what they truly are, but you ? You're everything a guy could wish for,"
"I didn't even choose you, I just took a closer look at you and bam, there was just no turning back. Even in a crowded subway, I still look at you," he muttered.
"If this is what you want then, okay. I love you and I'll do anything to make you happy," he smiled weakly. I couldn't hold the tears in my eyes. I can't do this, I know that this won't make me happy and I want to say that I love him. Why can't I say the words ?
"But remember, babe. I will always love you. And I know that even if I met someone after you in the future, you're always be that person who stay in my heart," he added.
"Remember, my queen. I will always love you, no matter what happen," he said for the last time before he turned around and walk away. I saw him stopping for a while before he continue walking, away from me, maybe forever. The only thing who can bring me alive is now walking away from me. I can't help but I fall on my knees, breaking down in the middle of the street.
I'm mad. I'm mad at myself for being a bitch to Aiden. I'm mad at myself for leaving him when I had the chance to be with him. I'm mad at myself for blaming Karen, even though all of this happened because of me. I'm mad at myself for pushing him away eight months ago. I'm mad at myself for not listening to Al. But the most hurting fact that almost tore me down in pieces is the fact that he didn't know. He didn't know because I didn't tell him.
I didn't tell him that I love him as much as he love me.
***
Oh my god, this is too emotional.
Conclusion : Always tell your loved ones you love them because you never know what you'll feel when they gone.
Recommended Song that PERFECTLY suits the chapter (kind of) is a famous song by Katy Perry called The One That Got Away. OR if you want something less mainstream, you can listen to Hurt by Christina Aguilera. That also suits this chapter perfectly.
Okay then, phew !
Don't be a silent reader, vote promote and tell me what you think !