Lord, I worry that my love is a violence.
I confused instinct for desire—isn't bite also touch?
Although Ethan had said he would see me at school the next day, he in fact did not. In fact, he didn't see me on Friday either and certainly not the weekend.
I spent most of my time in my room or Rosalie's, reading, writing or listening to my sisters debate which icon from our time was still going to be known on Alice's 150th birthday.
Alice had decided to withdraw her payment of me shopping with her, saying I needed time to think by myself. I didn't object.
Edward didn't try to speak about the subject again, though I did see Alice's name in his music book which he was quick to close after he realized I'd seen.
Carlisle and Esme were worried, it wasn't unusual for them to see their children getting drunk, but it was the first time I'd ever since being human.
Carlisle had theorised it was a silent cry for help on my behalf. I wanted to laugh in his face.
It wasn't a cry, I was just trying to impress someone. If I needed help I'd go to Alice or Rosalie, not resort to alcoholism.
Alice explained to me that she had seen Ethan at school, he was often looking over to our lunch table, expressing the hope to see me there and when I didn't, he would slump back in his chair.
He had asked Emmett about me, Emmett said I was sick, Ethan found that funny and asked if it was an extended hangover.
Only him.
I had decided I was never going to get drunk or even drink alcohol again. I didn't like being senseless.
But as I looked out the window of Rosalie's Convertible, I wished I had something to to ease the way I was feeling. Monday was a new day, a new day to see Ethan, a new day to sort things.
I came on too hard. I needed to withdrawal myself from him.
I was nervous sure, I didn't want to upset him, but an opposing thought that Rosalie had brought up is my vampirism.
If I got too close to Ethan. If, if he fell in love with me and I shared the same feelings, would he even want to turn into a vampire? I was risking a lot.
Telling him wasn't a massive deal in my eyes, he seemed like a man that could keep a secret hence why he was keeping one from me, but was I prepared for the rejection? Would I ever be?
I had to give him a chance to live. He had only just moved to Forks, he had to have the chance to make real friends and potentially get a girlfriend.
That's when my thoughts halted.
How did I know he even liked boys?
I couldn't feel his emotions and it wasn't like I could just ask. How would I know? How could I possibly see--
"Jasper, God, chill out,"
I looked to Rosalie, "What?"
"I can tell you're stressed out. You haven't moved for the past 10 minutes," She frowned at me for a second then her voice softened, "Today will be fine,"
"And if it isn't," Emmett butted in, leaning forward in the backseat, "You'll always have tomorrow,"
But I want it to be fine today...
"What do I say if he wants to hang out again?" I changed the subject, not wanting to think about the days I had to change the situation.
"No," The pair said simultaneously.
"But I say the wrong thing, the words just-- come out," Emmett laughed at the unfortunate pause in my words but I ignored him, "I panicked, I lied about the vodka and look where that ended me,"
"Jasper," Rosalie pulled on the clutch to ease the car to a stop in the same parking space she always used, "Just ask yourself if I'd do it then you'll have your answer,"
"Rosalie," Alice scolded, opening her car door for her, "Jasper don't listen to her,"
I wanted to groan. Alice and Rosalie were the closest people to me and they had different opinions on the matter. How could I do anything today if the two people I always got my advise from disagreed?
"Then what do I do?" I asked her, sliding out of the other door, leaving it open for Emmett to hop out too.
"I'm not sure, I can't see his future," She shrugged, no help at all.
"You can see mine," I deadpanned but was ignored.
"Just treat it like a normal day. Before Ethan, you didn't interact with humans unless you had to," Edward suggested, his hands in his jacket pockets.
Alice slid her arm and hooked it around his.
Interesting.
The bell rang, I looked towards the school building and clenched my jaw, looking back to the carpark to see if I could catch a glimpse of the boy with green eyes.
"And don't look for him either," Emmett put his hand on my shoulder.
"Exactly. It makes you look desperate," Rosalie agreed, making my eyes snap in her direction.
"Thanks Rose," I snarled under my breath.
"Anytime," She mused smugly, beginning her walk into the school building.
I followed behind her, knowing my family was behind me. The waft of human blood captured my senses and I had to clench my jaw and focus on something else. Alice had a great way of looking at it.
Imagining the teenagers as people and not food. I tried my best, but since I was the only one in the entire family who had been stuck on human blood for the longest, I had always been the one to struggle with it the most, even having been converted to animal blood.
I was a vampire social reject in a way.
Multiple slip ups, multiple slaughters of innocents. Blood on my clothes, blood on my hands, blood on my lips.
At least it tasted good though, that was the only plus to it. All the rest was tragic.
Depression, regret, self-hatred. All normal emotions, but not one that a vampire should feel after following his natural instincts.
Goddamn Carlisle for fixing my monster of a mind.
Walking into the canteen at lunch was something I was dreading. I decided to ignore my siblings advice. It was me who had to find the balance anyway, but knowing that my lunch table had a direct look to the one Ethan usually sat at... it made me want to hide in the car.
I'd never felt that before, another thing that stressed me out.
Not ever in my life have I felt the need to hide from a human. They weren't the ones capable to snap my neck, yet I was the one who wanted to cover my mouth and beg that I wouldn't scream.
I was the one that wanted to ask what are you? What do you want with me!?
I sat in my usual seat and didn't look up. Last Monday and my eyes were the reason I was in this mess anyway.
"And he was all over you and you just went CRAPOW and he went off crying to Principal Crowther! Ha!"
"I took multiple dashes to my face and it only took him one to run off!"
I clenched my jaw, still not looking up but I didn't have to, I knew who was speaking without needing to look.
"How did you even get into that mess?" The new girl, Bella, asked, chuckling past the annoying laughter of Joseph Austins.
"It was gym class and he said Ethan sucked at boxing right? Ethan said 'if you ain't noticed it's not a real person, I can box dude'--"
I ignored the rest Joseph's words but couldn't help but look up now.
If whatever he was saying was true, the part where Ethan spoke was not. I'd known him for 3 days and already knew he wouldn't say 'ain't' or 'dude'.
Ethan had gotten into a fight though, I could see that much, his cheekbone was bruised and I wanted nothing more then to brush my fingers over it, hoping the temperature would help the swelling.
"Joseph, stop talking about it now," Ethan mumbled.
I looked back at him, my entire body stuck in a silent shudder once I registered his green eyes were stuck on mine.
"And then Bells, Ethan punched him in his fuckin' face and blood went everywhere!" Joseph cackled loudly, most of the canteen was staring at this point.
What an annoying, obnoxious boy.
"Joe I said cut it out!" Ethan raised his voice, something I'd never heard in anger before.
Only in excitement or glee, anger wasn't nice to see on the boy who usually carried a happy expression.
Joseph seemed startled at the sudden anger but shrugged it off, turning to speak to Bella Swan.
Ethan gave me a small look, then his lips spread out into a smile.
I didn't return it and looked away.
-
Philosophy.
What was once my favourite class a week ago, was now a place of future torment and emotional issues that I never wanted to face.
When Ethan walked in, an onslaught of excitement hit the bottom of my stomach, but with much pain, I pushed it away.
Don't be excited. I was here to learn something that I already had a PhD in. It's ok, I'd be alright.
He took his seat next to me gracefully, I caught a look of his cheekbone again and the urge to kiss over the bruise infected my mind again. I clenched my hands under the table.
"Lightweight," He coughed under his breath, a slight curve on his lips.
"I was ill," I replied, no humor in my tone.
Ethan's eyes widened at that. Like he hadn't expected my choice of tone.
His heartbeat increased slightly.
"Yeah, Emmett said," He chuckled awkwardly.
"Then why did you accuse my absence of something else?" I deadpanned, giving him a look.
This is what Rosalie would do, right?
You agreed to pick your own path.
But I didn't even know what to pick anymore.
Ethan frowned and turned away from me.
"Have I upset you or something?" He wondered, his jade eyes burning with a hot intensity.
Or something, I wanted to admit, but I couldn't let those words scrape through the lie I was being forced to create.
"I--," I shut my eyes briefly then breathed out before speaking.
The scent of his blood hit my tongue and I let my mouth devour it, accepting the venom half-heartedly.
"I don't think we should talk,"
Without even realizing it, my clenched fists under the table spread out on my thighs and one hand reached out to squeeze the fingertips of the other.
I breathed in sink to each one one of the pressure, ignoring the way Ethan's breath hitched and his heartbeat increased.
"Why?" His voice was quiet, but it shattered me as much as a yell would.
Here's where I paused. I didn't exactly think this far as to provide an answer.
He deserved all the truths, all the answers, but I couldn't give him any.
Make something up, a dark voice insisted.
Usually, I hated following any dark voice in my mind, but I couldn't help but agree. That would be the best decision now.
"Because," I shrugged as if I was unbothered by the action, "I don't like you as my friend,"
I heard the grounding of his teeth and from the corner of my eye I saw his head fall to his lap.
Although my intent was to lie, I had actually told him the truth. I didn't want him as a friend.
A friend couldn't do the things I wanted to do with him.
"You don't like having this conversation, do you?" Ethan mumbled under his breath.
He didn't directly acknowledge my confession.
"What makes you say that?" I asked curiously, inclined to look at him but I denied the craving.
"Your hands," He looked at me again, his face showing his sadness and I acted like I couldn't see it.
I acted like it didn't make me want to eat my words and wrap him in my arms as an apology.
"This conversation is giving you anxiety,"
"You don't know me," I bit back harshly, too harsh.
He flinched and looked to the front of the class.
I let out a slow breath, guilt swallowing all of my thoughts.
If my goal today was to find a balance, one side was definitely weight down by a long shot.
------------------------------
Omg
I wish I could crawl into this book and help Jasper come to terms with his feelings man.
But also rosalie being a smartass makes me laugh.
:( poor Ethan.